AGEISM: The BIG Confidence Killer
Other Articles on this page.
*The KEY to Ageing Disgracefully
*Five Hidden Sexual Problems Between Older Couples
Thanks to Nancy Pelosi, I now understand much more about the American political system than I ever did before. I used to wonder about all the strange sounding titles given to politicians on Capitol Hill, erroneously thinking that the Speaker of the House there is like the Speaker of our parliament here in the UK, yet nothing could be more wrong. Our Speaker has responsibility for the routine mayhem that goes on in the House of Commons when MPs are in the House, not quite part of the Executive power, but very powerful nonetheless, and he/she is appointed to the post in strict party rotation. But they wouldn't become king or prime minister if anything happened to the Queen or Tony Blair.
Mrs Pelosi, on the other hand, is like our prime minister in stature. She appoints her 'cabinet' too with their various roles and is a very powerful woman altogether. Most important, she is also third in the American political hierarchy. Should anything really bad happen to the president and vice president she will be set and ready to become the next appointed interim president. That is awesome for a lady of 66. Let me repeat that again for those who missed it first time: Nancy Pelosi is 66 and looks fabulous, like being in her early 50s. She is ready at that age to take on the world.
If she were in the UK, she would never have attained such a high office because she would have been excluded purely because of her age and derided by the pundits. The media would have had a field day about her. Everyone would be moaning that she is too old for the job and bypass her. Fortunately, in America, ability counts a lot. Age is not such an issue there because American society still venerates older people, especially older men who are very powerful. That's what endears me to some aspects of that country. It does not matter how old you are (one of the candidates for her deputy was 73!), the opportunity is still there to prove your worth. So long as you have the talent and can hack it, you are in. That is why America is so well developed and successful. It does not cut off its population at 50, isolate them from their work and passions, then talk lamely about human value and equality for all. It speaks with action.
Different Rates of Maturity
Unfair biases appear in the form of ageism, sexism and racial discrimination. The kind of things which cannot easily be changed and leave people at a disadvantage. Yet such biases merely rob a community of its talent and glory. In our technological age, every person should be allowed to do their own thing. It will make them feel more included and keep them living longer and healthier. An undue emphasis on a person's age kills confidence and self esteem. Many people feel older than their actual years and some feel younger. It is important to recognise what a person could do, regardless of age, if they feel up to it, and reward it fully. To stereotype an individual simply because of their age is to increase personal frustration through a lack of achievement.
Not everyone is ready to retire at 60 or 65 and it has always puzzled me to see world leaders going on long past their rule-by date, some barely able to use their faculties properly, while ordinary mortals are not allowed to carry on until they feel they are ready. Maturity affects us at different rates and some people continue to develop mentally and physically for a long time while others slow down from an earlier age. We really shouldn't judge and exclude people on ageist grounds because it only deprives our community of good, able and willing contributors.
Thank you Nancy for motivating and educating a Brit across the Pond; for giving hope and encouragement to millions of women across America today. Here's wishing you the greatest success in your new post. Go for it Girl!
The KEY to Ageing Disgracefully
You cannot grow older disgracefully if you have no confidence to do so, and confidence comes from self-love and high self-esteem. Nothing else. How many of us cannot bear to see ourselves in a mirror, cannot stand to hear our voices coming back at us, or cannot bear to see ourselves in a photo or on a video? Too few people like what they see or hear of themselves. In fact, one famous actress said she never watches her films at all as she cannot bear to see how she acts. Luckily for her, the paying public takes a different view, otherwise no one would bother to watch her performances.
We are all beautiful and unique beings, made in the image of our god, universe, nature or whatever we believe in. But some higher power is at the back of us somewhere because our body is nothing short of amazing. Everyone has some beauty which is uniquely theirs. We tend to seek the approval of others for our existence, especially when we are younger and need help in making our way into the world. That personal need follows us into old age where we continue to wait for people to approve of us before we like ourselves. But self-love and self-respect are the key items which keep us as young as possible They not only bring out the best in us, they also give us a deep feeling of oneness and happiness in ourselves which gradually affects our well-being and our interaction with others.
When we love ourself, we give permission for others to love us too, to appreciate our strengths and weaknesses, and to enhance that sense of worth and significance we all seek. Many people undervalue themselves and use either their parents or their lovers to set the standard of acceptability for them. They deliberately ignore their strengths, preferring to focus on their perceived weaknesses, to the extent that if their relationship is failing', they are likely to blame themselves for it.
If they were not loved and affirmed as children, they are also likely to see themselves as unworthy and inferior to siblings or friends, always lagging behind while clinging to the judgements of significant others in a constant comparison with them. As they become older, that negative reaction would have cemented itself inside their heads and, as they age slowly, their self-esteem takes a battering. By the time they are in their 50s or 60s, the weight of the world is likely to be upon their shoulders, helped by their loneliness, anxieties, endless problems and low opinion of themselves. In fact, the biggest tell-tale sign of this unhappiness is likely to be extra weight gain. As the weight piles on, they feel even more unattractive to themselves and to others. Gradually, their feelings begin to affect their health when the negative reaction of others unwittingly makes their fears come true in an unrelenting cycle of self-loathing.
Consequences of Lacking Self-Love
Self-love is crucial because it leads to a love of our bodies and talents. It also frees us to stop focusing upon what we lack, while we accept ourselves as the beautiful and wondrous beings we are. When we love ourselves we are likely to nurture our bodies, to be proud of who we are and to nurture others too for who they are. If we have little self-love we are hardly likely to have much love to give either. In fact, people without self-love tend to be more self-centred and uncomfortable with their surroundings, finding constant fault with their environment, nit-picking at others and whingeing eternally about the good old days' and what should be happening now. The present is never quite adequate, despite our phenomenal inventions and benefits.
People without self-love are usually reluctant to learn new things because their identity is attached to a past life which would unravel if they strayed too far from their anchor, or were challenged to change their outlook. They tend to live in fear of new innovations while feeling confused and bewildered by rapid change. The extreme ones are likely to make people around them feel inadequate because they are still striving for what they wanted in their earlier life and haven't yet achieved. Believing they have lost their opportunities forever, they tend to be full of regret and will continually expect their children to chase those lost dreams. More likely, they will expect anyone they value to live up to the impossible standards they have set themselves in order to feel better and to fuel their sense of significance.
This kind of behaviour is not so surprising. Loving the self is not an easy thing to do. It is very difficult to change years of negative treatment and a lack of reinforcement into something positive and wholesome. Someone once said that we are prisoners of our own experiences. If we were brought up on persistent abuse, we will assume that behaviour to be not only morally right, but we would also regard it as the accepted practice everywhere else too. That perception would hold until our life experience widens sufficiently to show us otherwise. When we have been through a lifetime of neglect, put-downs, non-reinforcement, striving to please, or even having abuse of any kind, it is really difficult to change those habits and begin to value ourselves enough. There is no quick-fix remedy, but making a start at least promises some action.
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Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DIVERSITY, CAREERS, DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.
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Five Hidden Sexual Problems Between Older Couples
A. Communication. The most common problem between couples is a lack of communication about sexual needs, desires and feelings. Men tend to be very thin-skinned about any perceived criticism of their approach or performance, while women tend to be embarrassed talking about it or revealing their true feelings. Thus, open communication about what matters to couples on a sexual level tends to be hampered by emotional hang-ups, cultural and religious conventions, ignorance and self-consciousness, all of which they have to learn to overcome.
Again, couples often find it difficult to take their time making love, the climax seeming to be the main priority. But the best sex can't be rushed. Like a competition, it is the taking part that matters the most, not just who wins! We have to find out what is enjoyable to our partner, what would excite and delight them most, because there is so much to learn, especially how partners like to be stimulated. Communication is vital in this regard.
One of my first sexual encounters involved someone who kept telling me to lie still when we were having sex. Aroused and excited by it, I did not wish to be a passive recipient, but an active giver in return for his efforts, and tried to react in tandem with him. However, with his earlier girlfriend perhaps being passive and unmoving, he found my movements unnerving at first and wanted me to be still. Then he got used to my reactions and wanted me to be even more active, which had a dramatic effect on our mutual enjoyment!
B. Embarrassment. During sex, we may be embarrassed about our bodies, or other aspects like moving, thrusting, oral sex or expressing pleasure, but an active, uninhibited and really excited partner showing appreciation for what we are doing with them is actually the sexiest experience we can possibly have. It may be very difficult to openly communicate about our bodies and what makes us feel good, but it is something we must do if we are going to get maximum pleasure from this unique experience. Your partner cannot read your mind, so he/she has to be told or explicitly shown. It is important to be realistic and honest, because no one is ever privileged enough to be taught the best sex techniques before they meet their partner! It is all trial and error, with some people learning at a faster rate than others. We tend to be ambivalent about sex because we are in acute expectation of it, yet quietly dreading the outcome if it doesn't go to expectations.
Unnatural fears
C. Quality. The quality of sex usually depends on how positive two people feel about each other. There is plenty of scientific evidence to show that good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, it also improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity. But many people don't even have any sex regularly, let alone good sex! In his book, Sexual Healing, Dr Paul Pearsall claims that the joys and pleasures of life and loving may provide something called an intimacy inoculation' which actually protects us from disease. Dr Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognise that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet and exercise, but also to a large extent on the social and emotional health of the individual."
D. Unnatural Fears. We are tempted to believe that making love is just doing what comes naturally', but, shrouded in secrecy, embarrassment and social conventions, sex is sometimes anything but natural'. It can be a very awkward process for the uninitiated and the naive. Feeling insecure or inexperienced, we often carry the myths and rumours (due to ignorance), or the characteristics and expectations of the previous sexual experience, to the next encounter. This sometimes has disastrous results, especially when every partner is different in his/her preferences.
E. Ignorance. There are also many things about sex we do not know. Many people think that having sex is merely penetrative and conducted at a set time of the day or in a set room, but one author suggests, which I agree with, that when people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are actually having sex too, in a different form. When they show care for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having a satisfying sexual connection. When two people in a crowded room gaze lovingly at each other in their own secret way, they are engaging in sex play, and all these simple forms of tactile sex can be most arousing and emotionally fulfilling.
This constant anxiety, particularly about our sexual expertise, haunts us because, if done well, the act of sex generates the most positive feelings towards our partners. In effect, it makes love' and making love is usually a natural, emotional experience and a crucial part of any relationship. Rarely is it just a physically pleasurable act, regardless of some people's attempt to reduce its significance by putting it on a par with, perhaps, eating food! Without it, our species would come to an end and so nature finds the most ingenious ways of linking up men and women to ensure our survival.
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