Other Articles on this page.
*The Story of a Smile
*The First Pillar of Confidence: ACHIEVEMENT
Q. How do I develop self-love? Sometimes I really hate myself and can't see any way to change my feelings. (Rose)
A. A very good question Rose. Not so glib to answer because it is difficult to do. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and being undervalued by parents or lovers. However, it starts with 3 things:
* Gratitude for all your blessings in life
* Self-appreciation and living in the present, and
* Self-forgiveness.
A lack of self-love comes from a feeling of being unappreciated and unwanted, usually from our childhood which is then reinforced in adulthood. It also tends to keep us in the past reliving those unloved moments. I have learnt that when we keep ourself in the past it is because we don't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded, unloved and unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself and live unhappy lives. We use our depression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienates us from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, our current unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourself of how terrible we are.
We tend to keep the negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead of facing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others and moving on. I could not forgive until I found love: self-love. To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first. No one can love you for you.
To begin the process of self-love, we have to ask ourself these questions: When did I last give deliberate thanks for waking up and seeing another day? When did I give thanks for the people in my life? For the things I have been blessed with? For the talents I have? For the faculties that still work? For my beauty, life and experiences? Do I just take everything and people around me for granted? When did I affirm and reinforce someone?
I cannot answer those questions for you, Rose, only you can. But people who live in the past tend to take their present for granted and are often mean with appreciation for their blessings, while many others have not been so privileged to even have a life. We have no present or future if we live in the past because we are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make a future or to appreciate what we really have.
The Power of Personal Habits
Someone once said, "If you want to know what your future will be like, look at your habits now".
Whatever habits you have today will dictate your tomorrow. So, if you have negative habits that keep you stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've always got. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the way you do things now, will guarantee that.
So, we have to stop beating ourself up over past actions, stop aiming for perfection and stop comparing ourself to others, otherwise we will always feel inadequate. We also have to appreciate our limitations, praise ourself DAILY for being a wonderful and unique human being. Stop seeking the approval of others when the only standard should be your own, and look outwards to others in love and appreciation than just focusing on yourself.
I have found all these to be most helpful in developing self love but, most of all, accepting myself as I am and giving thanks for every new day of my life, instead of taking it for granted, have been the biggest factors in nurturing my self love and moving from feeling awful to feeling fantastic. Do remember that no one can love what you reject, Rose, and if you really want to be appreciated, regardless of the opinion of others, you have to begin by loving yourself and being satisfied with who you are.
The Story of a Smile
We might not know it but a smile is the greatest asset we have. When we smile, it not only lights up our faces and spread good feeling, we also give permission for someone shy to smile too, to approach us, to feel good in their actions and to feel worthy. A smile does not just show our teeth or suggest how we feel. It is silently empowering and can make someone's day, big time! We affirm them and show we value them.
I was walking along the London underground in a hurry, late one night, and a busker was playing his music. I looked at him and smiled in an appreciative way while I deliberately walked on briskly. Encouraged by that, he smiled at me and offered to serenade me.
"I like to serenade beautiful women", he said chirpily.
I anxiously looked at my watch. I was in a hurry and in no mood to be serenaded. But I suddenly remembered that we are guaranteed no other time than that moment. We have to make the most of it. I stopped. What the heck, I thought. It was not an emergency. Let's just enjoy life.
And so, for a couple of minutes, while everyone passed by in their rush, I allowed myself to be serenaded and I felt special. But so did he, because he seemed very happy when he finished. Someone actually paid him some attention and affirmed his talents. He thanked me politely and profusely, as I continued on my journey. I don't think he cared about the £2 I dropped in his box. I would hazard a guess that, with everyone passing him all day, as though he were invisible, my smile and acknowledgement of his presence, to him, were priceless.
Without realising it, what I really did was to reinforce that human being in a positive way. Even though I felt a little embarrassed at people walking by and looking at us in some amusement, it didn't seem to matter, somehow. I reminded myself that leaders tend to stand out from the crowd! In that brief moment, I had fulfilled his two most urgent desires: to be accepted and not to be rejected.
Our Greatest Asset
We might not know it but a smile is the greatest asset we have. When we smile, it not only lights up our faces and spread good feeling, we also give permission for someone shy to smile too; to approach us; to feel good in their actions and to feel worthy. A smile does not just show our teeth or suggest how we feel. It is silently empowering and can make someone's day, big time! We affirm them and show we value them. Denying a smile or attention to someone increases their fear of being rejected, gives a negative message and does not add to our joy. Yet smiling is so easy to do and so priceless in its effects.
How is your smile today? Will you be withholding it or will you be giving it freely?
Whose life will you be enhancing today? You could affect someone much more than you think by your decision!
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How HAPPY are YOU? Try our simple HAPPINESS QUIZ to test how you feel about yourself just now. Being unhappy robs you of opportunities and success. How do you REALLY feel now?
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Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DIVERSITY, CAREERS, DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.
The First Pillar of Confidence: ACHIEVEMENT
Personal growth comes through a willingness to accept change, to take risks and to create opportunities. On many occasions it is sheer confidence and bravado which bring in the goodies. Often an experienced person is rejected or overlooked in favour of one who is more inclined to take chances and to walk into the unknown. That is what achieving is all about. Having your desires fulfilled which reinforces your value and boosts your self-esteem.
Achievement takes many forms. It can be the simplest act of getting through a load of ironing which has been hanging around for some time; doing that first set of exercises for a fitter body; losing the first crucial pound of weight; getting through the first day of a new job; running that extra half mile; getting nearer the personal sales target; successfully hosting a special event; creating a website and seeing it work; getting that important degree or finally making it to the board in your career.
All these activities demonstrate that achievement is unpredictable and means many different things to each of us. What might be a major achievement for one person could be pretty minor in the scheme of things for another. However, achievement is anything which gives us a sense of pride in any personal act, or acquired knowledge, no matter how simple. It is anything which makes us feel good and confirm our capabilities to ourself. And every bit gained adds to our store of confidence and pushes us farther along the road to complete self-development.
The desire to achieve is so strong that, too often, having little confidence leaves us with a long lasting feeling of regret at opportunities we missed or the 'wrong' things we said at those times when it mattered most. We wish we could have used 'better' words, or acted otherwise, and we feel even more inadequate as we are haunted by thoughts of our 'failures'. Persistent failure to achieve what we want, or the things we set our hearts on, erodes our confidence and instils a feeling of impotence. It devalues our efforts and causes us to question some of our basic beliefs. Thus we need regular positive reinforcements to convince ourselves we are still up to it, still clever, still the best or still in command.
The Need to Prove Ourself
Even one act, which we may consider important to our progress, can undo all the positive groundwork we have already laid, if it does not go according to expectations, especially when we believe we have to 'prove' ourself in any new situation. When we are the only person of our type in a particular environment, like the only female, the only person with a disability or the only 'Black 'token' employee, we feel, mistakenly, that we have to prove ourselves, otherwise we won't be accepted as equally competent. But this is often a fallacy.
It is actually a lack of confidence which makes us believe we always have to negatively compete with our peers and be twice as good as they are in order to advance. Getting any position in an organisation, or being nominated for any leadership activity, is ample proof that we are already 'good' enough. What remains in doubt is our degree of suitability. Some people display a high degree at the outset because of their expertise, confidence in their performance and the achievements they bring with them. Others may need more encouragement, praise, skills update, specific training, regular feedback or personal monitoring to reach the same level.
Though we are firmly on our own in the early days, real confidence in past achievements, a positive attitude, a willingness to learn and to cooperate, a desire to take the initiative, plus the quality of our actions will amply demonstrate our true potential. When this honeymoon period is over, it is up to each individual to create his own opportunities and take her place alongside others. It is never easy adjusting to a new job, but confident people can make their mark no matter how limited the environment, or how envious the colleagues, mainly because of their self-belief and positive approach. We can't pretend that jealousy and prejudice do not exist, but we can overcome them by being positive and determined.
Regardless of qualifications, a sense of lacking in achievement can destroy our confidence and kill our potential at the roots because it stops us aiming for what we really want and forces us to settle for what others hand out – i:e second best. We merely live out another's dream if we cannot decide how to make their ambitions parallel with ours. Fulfilling other people's desires might please them, or make them rich and happy, but it does precious little for us when we fail to achieve what we personally desire. Feeling a 'failure', our low confidence prevents us contributing as much as we should to our jobs and relationships. It hampers our talents and capabilities, shrouding them in feelings of inadequacy, persecution and envy.
That is what makes Achievement such a powerful part of the confidence triangle because of it's immediate effect in dramatically boosting or lowering our self-esteem. But what really hampers us in our quest for fulfilment is an acute lack of BELONGING.
*Further information on the key steps for building confidence is available in the book Money, Sex and Compromise, from diversityleaders.org.uk.
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