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Other Articles on this page.
*Myths About Internet Dating
*Why You Should Date Soon After Being Dumped
Q. Can you date someone regardless of how their facial or body appearance is? Does beauty have to be on the outside as well as the inside? (Marina)
A. Anyone who says that beauty doesn't matter is likely to be lying. If they are not, the statement has an association with how they view themself and their own experience. It suggests they do not consider themselves to be any great 'beauty' so they are hoping people will ignore their physicality to concentrate on the inner person. But there are some things in conflict with this approach.
First, until we open our mouths and speak, nature has only one way of bringing people together: through their looks. Thus the whole process starts with whether someone's physical appearance appeals to us in any way for us to take it further and discover more about them. Then it moves to voice, then personality and finally the whole person. Yes, we have to have that inner beauty of warmth, compassion and care. But we cannot know anything about someone's inner beauty until we make physical contact and it is the outer beauty that decides the fate of the connection before anything else. So, when someone says that looks doesn't matter and it is only the inner being that should count, they might as well date a horse or a dog, because for them, only what's inside that matters!
Secondly, when we speak of looks, we are not talking about some inflexible version of beauty, or certain socially engineeered perceptions of beauty, like the Brad Pitts and Denzel Washingtons of this world. Looks are individual to the person they appeal to. That is why I adore Richard Gere and Robert de Niro, but see nothing so handsome in Brad Pitt. Yet millions of panting women would disagree with me. I am judging Gere and de Niro by my own personal interpretation of what constitutes 'beauty' which might not match that of many other women.
So, could we date someone who isn't good looking?
Yes, we could. Looks are not defined by the rest of the world, but by our own individual perception and yardstick of what we find appealing in another human being, which might then appear 'ugly' and unattractive to others. Looks are also racially, culturally and gender referenced. So what might be regarded externally as 'ugly' to one culture might be simply beautiful within it. Thus our soulmate's looks has to appeal to us personally for us to appreciate it, not a universal appeal which is vague and undefining. That's why we always wonder at the pairing of some couples because we cannot see what they can see in each other. Yet, to that couple, the mutual beauty is clear and unmistakeable. We are not able to see the attraction because we are judging that couple from our yardstick of beauty, not theirs.
Looks do matter, in all forms, particularly one's face - and boobs!! It's just that some people like to pretend that it doesn't, if their own feelings about themselves tend to be negative. The only sure thing about looks is that they are individual in appeal to whomever is attracted, while they can be repelling to someone else, but they are essential in bringing us together for pairing. Everything else is secondary!
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Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DIVERSITY, CAREERS, DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.
Myths About Internet Dating
There is a myth that Internet dating is primarily for weirdos, losers or frustrated housewives. But the Internet is likely to be the the ultimate dating vehicle of the future. Currently, it merely reflects the diversity of life in sharper relief. You will find the losers and sexists, the shy ones and the brash ones, mingling easily with the high flyers, hedonists and the social butterflies.
The trick is to spot your required type as early as possible. Lots of successful people who don’t have time for trusting to ‘luck’ use Internet services (8 million in the UK, and counting, with Direct Dating leading the pack and Match.com for the international market). It is immediate, personal, intimate, and can be used in the privacy of your home without even moving an inch or anyone knowing at all what you are doing. Above all, because people have to give their credit card detals etc, it is ultra safe for adults.
When I first registered to use it five years ago, though I was rather apprehensive and a real novice, I was able to speak to some great professionals like me who shared my aims. I found nothing sinister or strange about it. Though it was rather odd, at first, telling friends that my first lover and I met through an Internet dating site, I reminded myself that the site is like any other dating agency. You pay your money, advertise what you seek, and wait for the hoped-for results which might take a long while to bear fruit. As a woman said, she thought that with the thousands of people to choose from on the Internet, she would have her kind of man ‘in no time’. Months later, she was still bemoaning the fact that he had not yet materialised. So, as anywhere else, contact really depends on the quality, not the quantity, of the potential suitors available and the confidence to get what you want.
Trust your common sense
The Internet is proving to be one of the safest places for adults to meet because so much time is spent on the introductions, it is not too difficult to spot someone who is telling porkies! The fact that people have to give their credit card and address details to Internet Service Providers also means that most people can be traced in case of any misdemeanour. As long as you are careful and trust your common sense about meeting any stranger, it should be fine. Always email or text first, asking as many questions as you can to gauge history, experience and aspirations, then speak on the phone before agreeing to meet, taking their number first, if you have any apprehension. Seeing a photo first is also a must, but do remember that pictures are one-dimensional and depend onthe person’s mood when they're taken!
If you are not sure about a meeting, just say you'd like to think about it a bit longer and leave it at that. If the person seems too needy or they pressure you to meet against your instincts, then don't. You have to want to meet that person too for it to work. The great thing about Internet dating is that, by the time you meet, all the preliminaries will have been put in place leaving only the physical side to match, which gives a distinct edge over meeting someone in person from scratch.
Additionally, and the bit I like best, if you are not too impressed at the outset, they can be dismissed at the touch of a button!
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Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DIVERSITY, CAREERS, DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.
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Why You Should Date Soon After Being Dumped
People have to date after being dumped because that is a natural part of life: dealing with both pain and pleasure. Our life does not consist of single events or just the nice, enjoyable moments. We are on a journey of self-development, self growth, self-knowledge and self-realisation from the day we are born until the day we die. Pleasure and pain are thus two sides of the same coin of life which help us towards that ultimate development. We cannot have one without the other.
Not having another relationship might keep you from getting hurt, but it won't give you a life. You will then be stuck in negativity, with the past trashing inside your head forever, while you cower cowardly in a corner, shying away from the setbacks in life which actually make you more resilient, more experienced, more confident in yourself and far more attractive as a person. Worst of all, it makes you unloving too. You cannot deny love then claim to love others. The two are incompatible. That's like trying to give away what you haven't got. The only way through life is to face everything it throws at us which helps us to develop survival and coping skills.
Every relationship teaches us something. Often, when we don't want to learn, we go inside ourselves and ignore the message. But relationships break and cause hurt mainly because of the expectations we burden them with. People come into our lives for any of four main reasons, of which only one is permanent. However, as we expect every person we like to be permanently with us, our expectations are soon dashed when it does not work out that way. Yet, when we allow a relationship to unfold without trying to control it, or having too many expectations of it, we make room for the unexpected and are likely to be surprised.
Most important, break-ups really hurt when we don't love ourselves and expect others to love us instead. Once we love ourselves first, it doesn't; matter who doesn't love us, because we are already of value - to our relatives, parents, family, friends, to name a few. When we merely expect love from others to compensate, once they reject us, the pain is harder to bear because that rejection merely confirms what we already believe - how unlovable and unwanted we are. Furthermore, relationships do not just consist of hurt alone, though that is all we focus on when we get hurt. Relationships consist of PLEASURE first. To get to that hurt, we have to experience pleasure and when we deny ourself the opportunity to be hurt, we also deny access to that pleasure too which keeps us stuck, unloved and unloving.
Our character is built on dealing with setbacks in life, no matter what they are. If we deny ourselves the opportunity to deal with those setbacks, to pick ourselves up and carry on in life along our journey, we become stunted in our growth, and also boring, one-dimensional people who simply want to control everything without adding to the store of rich knowledge and experience that makes us appealing and empathetic to others. The only way we learn in our life is through mistakes and pain. We cannot deny that aspect of our evolution.
Finally, the main reason for dating as soon as possible after being dumped is because you cannot afford to use the judgement and actions of ONE person to dictate your life forever. Are you so low in value that just one person out of the millions in this world can dictate how you feel about yourself and who you are? You would actually allow one single person in this world to affect your esteem and progress? What happens to all the other men or women out there waiting to meet you, admire you and love you? Don't their opinion count for anything?
When we stop dating because of being dumped we allow ourselves to be judged by a single human being, placing them as chief arbiter in our lives and reducing our value to nothing. That is no way to live the precious life we are given or to appreciate the fine people we are.
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It was Maya Angelou, the writer, who said,
"We were given two hands, one to throw and one to catch."
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