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Don't lie about your age

 


I have always put two ages on my profiles: one to get into the headline searches (53), especially with too many men being fearful of older ages, and my real age inside my profile (63). Gradually, that move has also been useful in another major way: when someone approaches me it shows me who has NOT read my profile but only looked at my pictures! The one who have not bothered to read it, immediately assume I am 53, which helps me to weed them out.

However, a lot of men who are trying to attract younger women, or who dislike themselves, actually lie about their age without any correction elsewhere and most women do not like it. One woman complained to me recently that a guy was 12 years more than he claimed in his profile and did not reveal that until their second date. She was not impressed and ditched him immediately after that. The main problem with men, or women, who lie outrightly about their age is that it makes you wonder what else they might be lying about. But many men do this nonchalantly in their bid to attract younger women (who are no idiots) then accuse women who do the same.

If you want to get into the search engines to attract a specific age group, change your birthday in your profile details, but immediately correct it in the actual profile advert. It means you will feature in the searches you want, but when people read your profile you will show your true age. 
However, having a different age to your true one can be a risky move, unless you physically match the age you change to.

There are LOTS of men I have noticed who are clearly lying about their age, forgetting that there is something called a GALLERY. When we look at pictures in the gallery, to have a grey haired man- or a very old looking one- suddenly appearing among the dark haired 40 somethings claiming that he too is 47, makes him appear silly to say the least, as he will look more unattractive than the genuine people in that group. Better to be your own age and be regarded as looking very good for it, than to claim another age and look worse than you should be when compared to others.

The Internet is like our routine lives, except that it gives greater opportunities to be anonymous. Treat it naturally and transparently for the best results. If you intend to meet anyone, don't lie about anything. Otherwise, it has a way of catching up with you when you least expect it.




Do not run yourself down

 


A guy wrote this as a headline "Sad lonely old git needs cheering up".



Not only is that a pretty negative headline, but what has it got to recommend him to anyone?


Let's look at its implied message:

I am old and decrepit, not at all attractive.

I am very lonely and unhappy as I have no friends.

I am going to be hard work because I need cheering up.

I have nothing to offer you, I just want to take your cheerfulness from you.

Poor me, how sad my life is!

If a woman had that headline, would you rush towards her? Of course not!



On the information medium of the Internet, your words define you. Make sure they also give a warm, approachable air about you which will bring people towards you. The fact that the guy calls himself 'an old git' shows that he lacks self love and is full of self-loathing because he is very unhappy with growing older. But the big question is: If he already rejects himself, why should anyone love what he rejects? Who wants undesirable things or people? No one!



We have to begin the whole love process by loving ourselves first, thinking highly of who we are, valuing ourselves and being happy in our own skin, before anyone else can appreciate us, value us or treat us how we expect. Furthermore, we attract who we are so, if we are miserable old gits, we will repel the cheerful people and attract other miserable gits too!



That is why I tend to steer clear of anyone who is seeking "someone to make me happy" or "someone to make me laugh". After all, I am not a comedian or court jester!! That person would be hard work because he clearly isn't happy in his own skin and wants someone to compensate for that. He will simply be taking what he can get while ignoring his partner's needs. He is not seeking a partner but an entertainer or carer, because a relationship is about SHARING, not just taking or giving. Thus we have to be happy and cheerful first, if we wish to attract happy and cheerful partners; people to enhance what we already have while we enhance what they bring.


My favourite headline? "Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (A fun take on the famous Latin saying). Translated: I came, I saw, I stuck around!). Cute, eh? :o)



Makes you wonder about that person and heightens the curiosity. It is also simple, positive and attractive. He looked scrumptious too! Pity he smoked.


We are all made up of two sides: strong and weak. Stop focusing on your perceived weaknesses and identify your strengths as your selling points. By just focusing on what we do not like about us, we belittle ourselves and undervalue the wonderful beings we are. We hide our strengths while we display our weaknesses. Focus on what you can SHARE with that person, not what you expect to get. Otherwise it makes it sound as if it is all about you, and no one else. And if it is already just about you, there is no place for a relationship of two!


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READ Dating Profiles!

 


Many men have a really bad habit of just looking at pictures and rushing to contact the woman. For them, as long as the visuals are fine they mistakenly believe that all will be well, and rapidly come unstuck soon after. Looks are very important but so are personality, values, emotionality and intellect to a successful relationship. Other men CHOOSE to either ignore what they read in a profile, or to interpret it to suit themselves, believing that they can make a square peg fit a round hole in due course, and with a little bit of effort. But how wrong they can be!



Language is the most important thing in human life. Language defines us: who we are, what we want, what we hope for and how we perceive our world. Through language you can tell whether a person is happy or sad, articulate or semi-illiterate, verbally fluent or restrained. Without language, no one would know how we think, what makes us tick, or what really matters to us. Language is extremely important to our life and development, especially as we know ourselves best. So we ignore the language of others at our peril.



Take a look at the words in these two profiles. Would the two people have anything in common? Would they get on together?



1. begining to fall to pieces, need to do more exercise, favourite pass time sitting in my armchair watching TV, hate adds on freeview,not interested in soaps or so called personalities,dont go out for meals, cant beat the old tim opener and microwave,like MS frozen dumpling meals, havent been abroad much, tend to go to holiday parks and rlax, dont have many friends just a few aquantences, hate winter just want to stay indoors and try to keep warm, if legs were ok would like to learn to ballroom dance before short term memory goes.



2. Being a former education manager and now semi-retired writer, I love literature, history, self-help books and current affairs. They teach us so much and provide lots to talk about too! I tend to be very active, especially with the gym (three times weekly), walking every other day, dancing (every week), reading (daily), travelling when I can, and other artsy activities like concerts, theatre, galleries and cinema. I have an impish sense of humour, and great positivity which keep me smiling. :o)



The first one depicts a guy who is just barely existing, fossilised in time doing nothing and 'falling to pieces'. The second one is mine (I dislike TV!). Do you see myself and this person really getting it together? If he hadn't written that, and had approached me, I might have wasted time emailing and phoning when he is clearly unsuitable.



Profiles are not there just for the fun of it, so those who are too arrogant, or lazy, to complete or read them will settle for anything, while getting nothing in the end. For example, if a woman says she desires 'friendship', no amount of wooing will turn it into something else, unless you desire friendship too. People put how they FEEL at the time of writing, and if they are not ready for a relationship, and you are, don't go there! Better to find someone who is seeking what you're seeking too. At least you both start off from the same expectations. After all, mismatched expectations are the biggest killers of relationships.

Try to avoid profiles with no details or personal adverts on them. They tend to be either scammers, attached or married people; people lacking confidence in themselves and prefer to stay 'hidden', and those with very little to say about themselves i:e they're boring and won't be interested in you either! The nearer you can align yourself with people of your kind of articulation and approach, the greater the prospect of a good fit between you.

Resist the temptation to write nothing except, "Ask anything you like!". Bad move. No one can ask the hundreds of people on the site anything they wish to know. That would be silly and time consuming. Hence why the profile is important because it gives an initial indication of whether a person MIGHT be suitable, which then narrows the field dramatically to enable more personal contact to take place.



Next time you see a beautiful face, don't rush towards her just because of her pictures. Study her profile too and see whether it is empty, or it is similar to yours. You could be saving yourself some expenses, or even heartache, later down the line.






Put up a Photo!

 


If you wish to know a scammer, someone attached already, someone overweight and feeling unhappy (or unattractive) with themselves, or someone being economical with the truth, just go to the profiles with no pictures. The tell tale signs of people without pictures are clear to see, for both men and women. Why come unto the site, at all, if one feels so self-conscious or secretive?



There are some people who will also quote 'business' reasons for not putting a picture up. That's nonsense too. We all have to live our lives, and finding a partner or soulmate is a key part of that. If a person does not have any faith in Internet dating, which is just a vehicle for finding someone, then find heshe should find their partner another way. Unless we are happy with whatever we do in life, we will never get the result we want because we would be doing it in FEAR! The major point I am trying to make is that THOUGHTS dictate our actions, the decisions we make and the results we get. If you think bad things about a dating site, if you fear it, and if you don't think you should put your picture there, keep away from it. Otherwise whatever you think, you will surely get. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.



I can never understand why anyone would wish to go on a dating site, where a picture is THE most important thing to attract another person, and to reassure them that the profile is genuine and the person real, and not put up a picture him:herself. We cannot see each other, so a picture is very important as a basic starter. Men are meticulous in buying their cars, checking everything about it, before they part with their money. Yet the number of guys who are looking for a partner - the most important decision in their lives - then treat it like a joke, a game or trivia - is rather sad. No wonder many of them get hurt. They give no respect to the people they are hoping to find, and, of course, get none in return.


Good dating experiences

The irony of having no picture is that these people are the most likely to head straight for the pictures of others, but have nothing to view in return. The number of faceless people who have looked at me over the past few weeks is quite amazing and even disquieting. Some just keep coming back day after day, to look at my pictures and video, yet see nothing wrong in not having any pictures themselves!



I have been on dating sites on and off for the past 5 years, and ALWAYS have photos up so that people can see who I am before they get in touch. I have not had any bad experiences nor have I met any monsters or people who would do anything negative to me. In fact, I have met some lovely men, as sincere as I am, who simply want to meet a partner. I am transparent, truthful, and I respect others. Surprise, surprise, I am treated the same. It has been a wonderful, and very educative, part of my journey.

I do not speak to men who have no pictures, as they can clearly see me already. If they do not have a picture up, then they really wouldn't be the kind of person I would wish to associate with anyway because it suggests they are takers rather than givers. People who expect you to provide the photos to look at while they hide their own. I cannot think of anything more off-putting.



If you are seriously seeking someone, put up a picture. Dating is not a game, except for scammers, superficial and attached people. Start from a position of transparency, honesty and integrity, and you will attract someone similar too. Otherwise, why be on the site at all if you fear it so much? Treat the site as you expect it to deliver, and you will have the results you expect






The reasons why some men can't get it together

 


Daily one reads in the men's diaries of their frustrations in finding dates, in having women respond to them, in having undeveloped communication, in being constantly blocked and not finding someone to match them. The complaints are legion.

I know I am a woman, and women perhaps have it easier, but I have the reverse problem to theirs: too much attention and offers of dates! And I really don't think it is just because I am a woman. I know I am good looking too (and I'm also 62, for crying out loud, which should stop a lot of ageist men, and it doesn't!). I also know who I am. But, I think my secret is that I KNOW what I want, and so don't go there if it isn't there. If I have any doubts at all, I don't let a round peg fit a square hole! I swiftly move on to someone else.

It means I mainly have pleasurable contacts, I am ALWAYS courteous with a reply, I try not to whinge about anything and, if one approach isn't working, I quickly try something else to widen my search pool and number of potential contacts. As they say, only an insane person keeps doing things exactly the same way and expects different results! In fact, I must be the only woman who loves being blocked because it keeps the nerds and guys with low self esteem and low confidence well away from me, and keep their negativity from contaminating me. 



The main thing many guys are forgetting is this: If you are walking down the street and 500 people are heading towards you, chances are that you will fancy probably ONE of that whole group, or perhaps none. This is no different with the Internet. Just because a lot of people gather in one place doesn't mean one will instantly find a partner. It takes an awful lot of patient searching and talking to others to finally reach someone who might fit the bill. In bygone days, when travel was not so common, people were limited to their towns and villages and had to take what they got, hence the many failed and unhappy marriages of yesteryear because people were mismatched. Today, everyone has to do their own work in finding that partner as all the usual community avenues are closed.


Not knowing what they want
However, forgetting that aspect, the main reason why many men are not getting anything back is because THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT! So they wouldn't recognise it if it got up and whacked them across the face. Many men approach dating sites with what I call the 'candy shop' syndrome. "There are LOTS of sweets, so which one shall I choose?" Being so excited, they forget that some sweets can make them ill, but they still choose willy nilly without a thought. Why? because they have this IDEAL inside their heads which does not match the reality of who they are and what they want, and so are foiled every time because the women they seek cannot align with the persona they see and so the ideal cannot become reality.



For example, the number of men who say they are 'slightly overweight' while looking like barrels is just amazing. Yet the first law of getting to know someone else is to know who we are. When we live in denial about our bodies, what we like or what makes us tick; when we are willing to compromise what we value for expediency, how can we attract someone who is honest too? We will simply keep attracting others in denial as well. Not surprisingly, things do not get off the ground or they soon go pear-shaped soon afterwards. The number of men who don't bother to read my profile, but just go by my pictures and then race towards me is pretty sad. Then they are annoyed if I don't respond favourably. I guess that is what is happening to many other women: unsuitable men believing that just because they fancy a woman, she MUST fancy them in return!



Dating sites work by the law of attraction. You will attract who you are, whether honest or lying, well meaning or superficial. If you are attracting a certain type, YOUR persona and actions are drawing them to you, perhaps because you are not being transparent, you have not made your expectations clear, perhaps settling for anything, you are in denial about who you are, or you behave like they do.

Like a guy who wrote to me once wanting to meet. I read his profile and diaries and noticed that every one of his 18 diary entries since January was about being blocked and complaining about it. Nothing positive at all. I wrote back a polite 'No, thanks.' And he promptly blocked me without appreciating the irony that he was behaving exactly like the blockers he was complaining about! That law of attraction again. No wonder I felt his negative vibes from minute one. We could never be even acquaintances let alone lovers!



So, are your profile and actions clear? Will you settle for anything or do you know who you are, or what you want? If you don't, sadly, someone else will always set your agenda for you and leave you feeling unhappy and frustrated!






6 key reasons why women often do NOT reply to men on dating sites

 


Even in our age of equality, many women expect men to make the first move. Yet, when they do, they frequently have no responses for their efforts. Daily I read pleas from men who, quite rightly, bemoan the fact that women do not answer them when they send a message or try to attract their attention. They feel they should at least be told 'no thanks', if the woman isn't interested, not just left with silence. And simple courtesy would confirm that. But things are not as simple on dating sites and, speaking as a woman, I have detected six major reasons why women do nothing (and some of these apply to the men too).



The FIRST and most important one is that many women have few interaction skills. They treat the Internet as an alien place, and the men like caricatures instead of real people, perhaps believing that their behaviour won't matter because they are anonymous. Not having the interaction or communication skills to POLITELY decline an approach, they do nothing instead, or they block the person, treating the approach as something negative. Yet, if a guy has taken the trouble to contact a woman, he obviously VALUES her as a person, and that is the key thing some women don't acknowledge or even understand: that they are being valued and should react with some appreciation, not negativity.



SECOND, is the lack of appeal or spark. Often women do not react because they feel no empathy with the person and do not really like him. They believe, wrongly, that it is better to do nothing and hope he goes away! There is no remedy for that, because we can't like everyone we see (a fact many men forget but are quick to reject the women they don't like!). Nonetheless, at least telling the person 'no thanks' leaves everyone knowing where they stand and prevents any false hopes later on. Otherwise, many men are apt to keep trying if they really like a woman, not knowing that the feeling isn't mutual and they should desist!



THIRD, is inappropriate contact. Most men who get no replies would be contacting the WRONG person for them but often don't know it. As many men go mainly by LOOKS they are bound to come a cropper at some stage, because what they forget is that, if they think someone is beautiful etc, it is very likely that other men think so too and will be swarming like bees to honey. Another thing is that men just look at pictures but are not noticing what the woman is SAYING, so their approach would not fit the bill if there is a clear mismatch.

For example, there was once a really nice guy who kept sending me winks and finally made contact. However, his profile clearly stated he was seeking FRIENDS, I wasn’t. I was seeking a lover and long term partner. The main things for me: being intimate, communicative and dancing would have been sorely missing with him. Yet just by liking my pictures, he thought we would get on together! Of course I declined any advances from him because I know what I want and he didn’t have it.

Many men also tend to contact the same type of woman, likely to be younger than they are, despite her unsuitability. So they would get regular knock backs because there are not enough younger women to go round. Currently there are 19 million people OVER 50 - the majority of adults - and 9 million over 60. If a man wants a woman under 50, he is fishing in a very narrow pool with all the other younger men! What we have, especially with men, are old mindsets around ageing trying to cope with the new technology of dating. Yet, if one does not want children, it really doesn't matter about age. It matters about attitude, in particular. As long as the person looks good and has a similar attitude, age should not be a barrier.




FOURTH, some men don't take no for an answer and can be very persistent, rude, arrogant or even derogatory when they are refused. So many women take the easy way out to avoid the hassle of disappointed men and do nothing at all. It is really a shame, but when guys lack confidence in themselves, expect too much of certain women and are then rejected, they can often be abusive when they are refused. I am extremely polite with replies (and I reply to every single guy who writes me). Yet, no matter what I say to some men, they react as if I have no right to say 'No', just because they fancy me, which then makes we wonder why I bothered.



FIFTH, some women are likely to be players, who feed off the attention they get from their visitors, but have no intention of reciprocating. They prefer to bask in the attention of being desired and wanted, and can't be bothered to respond, giving nothing back in return to the poor guys who keep writing. In this group are also women who are not who they say they are, probably being married or in a relationship already. When faced with attention from sincere men they are not quite sure how to deal with it and just ignore them instead.



FINALLY, there are the women who are full of fear of anything developing, don't know that they are supposed to respond, or don't know how to say 'NO'. They don't want to 'hurt' anyone by saying no, yet they miss the irony that they are acting even worse by silence. They perhaps believe that doing nothing is the norm, if everyone else does it. There is no rule book as yet on proper Internet dating, and many men also have unrealistic EXPECTATIONS of what should happen, going by their own daily lives, forgetting that everyone on a dating site has her own agenda.

Nothing can be expected on a dating site, not even courtesy, because it's a new phenomenon. The individual will always act in the best way for her or him in this new and daunting field. The best thing for men to do is to remember that there are decent women out there. They just take a while to find, and to keep looking, not judge all women by a few.

So how does a guy lessen the stream of non-replies? These simple tips might help:

1. READ a profile carefully, not just look at pictures. Do you match in objectives, interests and expectations?



2. Write only ONCE - and make sure it's a compliment, a positive observation or a question, not a request. Engaging that person in a dialogue which might lead to something is more important than just asking for what you want. Don't just focus on what you think she has to offer, but what you could give her back too.

3. Allow 1-2 days maximum for a response. And email has a very short life.



4. If there is no reply, move briskly on after that to someone else. While you are using negative energy worrying about what has happened, you could have found someone more amenable.



5. REVIEW the kind of ladies you are going for. Just making simple changes in age, location, interests etc, could yield surprising new people who are more in alignment with you!



6. Avoid women who appear to be popular, or too good to be true, because everyone else will be hitting on them.



7. Finally, if you enjoy boasting about being 'shy', and the woman is shy as well, what exactly do you expect to happen?



Always remember that, if you contact someone who clearly looks too good to be true, who has little in common with you, is being economical with the truth, or is seeking something different from you, you are not likely to get a response.







Have men got it wrong about online dating manners?

 


Daily I read comments, from one guy or another, lamenting the lack of 'manners', or lack of responses from the ladies on dating sites. As a woman, who always replies to anyone who values me enough to contact me, let me explain something about this whole issue of 'manners'.

To judge someone as lacking manners is to assume that we all share the same upbringing in the first place, and that some women even know what the word 'manners' means! We all like to think that everyone else is just like us; that they share our experiences and values, or that they will behave to OUR expectations. But, in a diverse world, where we are in transition from one social protocol (of everyone being brought up with shared standards) to a kind of current free for all, we cannot expect anything of anyone anymore, until new universal ethics and standards are decided - that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon!

The Internet is a vast novelty and there is no written protocol on how people should act. Couple that with the fear that goes with it, as a new and not-quite-understood entity, and people will behave in all sorts of ways to suit themselves and to which they are comfortable. So, as I said before in a recent diary, if a woman doesn't respond, there are various reasons which have little to do with 'manners'.

It is more likely due to the following:

1. Plain ignorance of appropriate action, especially on an anonymous platform like the Internet.

2. Fear of what an actual reply could lead to.
3. Weak interaction skills in dealing with others.

4. A sense of power in rejecting those who seem 'unworthy'.

5. A desire for attention without the wish to give anything back - i:e a 'taker' rather than a 'giver'.
6. Some men refusing to take 'No' for an answer, which makes it easier and less hassle not to respond at all.


Simple commonsense dictates that if someone contacts us the least we can do is to say, "thanks, but, no thanks". But common sense is often not so common when it comes to obvious behaviour!!

The important thing to remember is not to judge others by our own yardsticks, initially, but to accept them as they are. let them prove themselves to us without our assuming about their lives. If someone does not reply, even though you would be courteous in replying because you value them enough to do so, that's a huge signal you shouldn't ignore. Often we know we should desist at such times, but the ego gets in the way of accepting that negative action, and so we prefer to judge that person, being annoyed with them, instead of leaving well alone.

An essential part of that elusive 'chemistry' is personal value. If a woman doesn't value you enough at the start to simply respond to an approach, she is giving you a HUGE message about her character and personality, which has very little to do with 'manners'. Manners can always be learnt, but a hostile negative character is already set by adulthood and defines our core values.

The key question to ask yourself at such times of no response is this: Is that kind of person suitable for me? A very important question, because, even if they had responded, their lack of courtesy, empathy and care won't get any better further down the line!




Icebreakers: A case of the doughnut and the hole?

 


There are websites that offer members to send an ‘Icebreaker’ as a way of introduction to as many people as they like in one go. Very good for when a newcomer hasn’t got the time to search members individually. But because they are impersonal, a lot of daters don’t like them.

I am rather puzzled every time I read yet another guy's indignant whingeing about Icebreakers. Puzzled because Icebreakers are a main feature of some dating sites. They do not suddenly appear after members have joined, they are an integral part of the service provided. Ipso facto, if one doesn't like Icebreakers, one goes to another dating site, because whingeing about anything is so terribly unattractive. You see the negative words before you can appreciate the person!

I used an Icebreaker once when I first tried out a site a couple years ago and would not use it again. However, it brought me into contact with three wonderful men - one a movie producer, in fact, who wanted to take me with him to Cannes and Hollywood for his next meetings! He was terribly disappointed when I didn't fancy him. Men I doubt I would have reached otherwise, because they are not the type to come on the site regularly, though they do check their mail. Neither would they have turned up in the searches for me to see, being very busy, responsible people with their own businesses. They might have seen me eventually, but that was a long shot, as I might even have left the site by then, having only signed on for a month. I also asked a literature question in mine which elicited some delightful and humorous replies.

The negative part of the exercise is that I got over 200 undesirables writing back. But again, I see my life as a continuing learning experience and it gave me tons of insight into the male approach, because everyone was diverse and fascinating. I consoled myself with the fact that the three men, two of whom turned out to be firm friends, were worth the ones that didn't cut the mustard.

Thus, the whole argument around Icebreakers reminds me of the doughnut. Some people, in their rush to criticise it, can only see the gaping hole, while the others who are more positive and ready for anything can see the doughnut itself and even make a tasty meal of it.

Icebreakers are useful especially for people who are new, not really tech savvy, and perhaps lack the discernment of knowing how to reach the kind of people they like. Such ready messages might not be ideal, but they offer a simple service members can use to improve their experience. For those who know better, they can happily ignore the Icebreakers, not turn dictatorial controllers and condemn others for using it, especially as it is a service that comes with the site.

The people who complain about Icebreakers miss the supreme irony that while most of the replies, or the messages, might not be what they desire, just once there might be a gem within them, if they take the time to look. But I have noticed that most of the complainers are just that, whingers for the sake of it because that is their true nature. Lacking attention and feeling undervalued, they are quick to pronounce on anything at all in a negative way, just because it might not be benefiting them. It really says much more about their personality than the messages themselves. Yet, one of the greatest human attribute is to live and let live. To accept that we are all unique and do things differently, and celebrate that uniqueness.






How to spot bullying cowards on the dating site

 


Bullying cowards are not easy to spot on a normal basis, except when they don't like you or dislike what you say. On this particular dating site, where blocking is an easy tool for daters to use, the bully (who is usually a coward too) can be spotted through the following actions:



1. They will look at your profile but immediately block you from looking at theirs (many men seem to complain a lot about this). Yet this is a dating site where people are supposed to be looking for dates and have to view profiles to make up their minds which ones they would wish to progress.



2. They will block you, but still send you messages of one kind or another, because they really want your attention at all cost. By blocking you first, you become a captive audience to whatever they wish to tell you, which you might not have accepted otherwise. They know that they can only reach you in this manner and so it gives them a feeling of oppressive superiority to interact in this way, knowing that you can do little about it. But you can do something about such negative action. Just alert the administrators, and send the details of the person who does this. They are likely to block them on your behalf.



3. They will verbally abuse you first, then block you so that you cannot respond. These are the worst kind of bullies. They feel very inferior and low in esteem and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to put other people down with something derogatory - and run. Yet all they are showing in the process is how low they think of themselves too, because people who really value themselves do not abuse other people. Their confidence would be high enough to agree to disagree.



Bullies also have to block the people they abuse because, feeling as badly as they do, they cannot stand any rebuttal, which would make them feel worse. So, in a typical cowardly manner, they attack others but hide themselves behind the blocks to prevent anything similar coming back at them. These miserable types, who abuse others to feel good, are to be pitied rather than maligned, because they are really seeking your attention. They know they won't get it, so the next best thing for them is to act in a superior mode, as if they don't care. Pretty sad, actually.



Don't pay any attention to bullying cowards because that's what they want. Just be thankful when a coward blocks you before you get into their orbit. It means one less of their negative type to contend or associate with. At least they are revealing their true selves before anything happens. After all, if they abuse and block enough people, they'll be even more isolated in the long run, which would be true poetic justice.




Is there such a person as a 'time waster' in dating?

 


Nope. There are two reasons for attracting 'time wasters: a desire for perfection and a mismatch in expectations and values.

First of all, people who warn off 'time wasters' in their profiles tend to be perfectionists who expect everything to go right from minute one. They are not prepared for deviations and, worse still, there is no room for learning in their world.



Yet, from the moment we are born until we die we are learning about three things, in particular: ourselves, the people around us and our environment. We NEVER stop learning. That's how we become, confident, experienced, resilient and knowledgeable. 'Time wasters', like everything unexpected, also have a role to play in that learning process. They teach us what we DON'T want in life. It means when we next meet someone similar we can recognise them and move away from them.



Second, 'time wasters' also shine a light on the kind of person we are too, because we often attract such people for four main reasons:



1. When we have not really taken note of what that person is about because we are dazzled by superficial things like looks.



2. When we deliberately ignore what that person is saying, by interpreting it to please ourselves.



3. When we KNOW and instinctively feel that person isn't right, but believe we can change them and make a round hole fit a square peg! When that doesn't happen, we naturally become disillusioned and disappointed and then blame the other party instead.



4. When we don't know what we want, then go after anything that looks good but is incompatible with our values, and then get disappointed down the line.

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Mismatch in Expectations

For example, take two random profiles. One says clearly that she is seeking 'friends', the other says that he is seeking a 'long term' relationship. They make contact and after a few days they fall out, and he accuses her of being a 'time waster' because she didn't match what he wanted and wouldn't play his game. But she wasn't a 'time waster', no matter what happened. She clearly put that she was seeking 'friends'. Translated simply it means that she is not ready for any commitment, she is basically seeking attention and adoration. She wants to take it easy and just enjoy the moment. She might even be seeking friends with 'benefits', a bit of sex on the side, but she wants to hang loose.

On the other hand, he clearly desires a long term relationship with someone. He is ready for the committed long haul; for the security of a close relationship with someone. Of course their perspectives, expectations and aspirations are NOT going to match. To ignore personal requirements at the beginning - or no requirements at all! - and then accuse the other person of being a 'time waster' when it goes true to form, merely panders to the scapegoat mentality. The best way to get the dates we seek is to make sure they align with our expectations, our values and our desires BEFORE we take it further. Take the time to TALK to that person, to get to know them instead of rushing to meet. A phone call can tell so much, before anything else.

I had hundreds of men coming at me each week and I've never experienced a 'time waster'. Perhaps because, if our needs were not in mutual alignment, they did not get past hello! So, if you are getting more than your share of 'time wasters', are you a 'time waster' too, in what you say and do? Sometimes our desire for attention will make us accept anything, even when we feel it isn't right for us.



If we are continually attracting 'time wasters', it really is saying a lot about our individual attitude to dating and people, than the 'time wasters' themselves. We always attract who we are. Ipso facto, if we tend to be cheerful and bright, we will attract cheerful people with a similar view of the world, and if we are gloomy and aimless, that's what we will attract in others too, because positivity is not usually drawn to negativity, or vice versa. In short, we get the people we seek.



Only by examining our own attitude to life and relationships can we discover who we are, what we really want and what is preventing us from getting it. Calling people 'time wasters', while we carry on blindly with our own reactive patterns, will simply get us more of the same and keep us well away from our goal.







When 'mistakes' in our relationships become a pattern

 


The word 'mistake' was coined in order to use hindsight to judge our past from a position of greater confidence, maturity, experience and wishful thinking. When we are older we can spot the 'mistakes' we made in the past quite easily because, by that time, we would have learnt differently. But such 'mistakes' tend to be repeated when people refuse to learn the message from them because, there really is no such thing as a 'mistake'.

We never really make a 'mistake' in our life because every action we carry out, at any point in time, reflects the level we have reached in our development. We CANNOT act any other way, no matter how much we might try. This is because six key elements dominate our life and their levels reflect where we are too in our growth. The elements are: the confidence we have at that moment, the maturity we have reached, the informationknowledge we have about the situation we are in, our own personal needs at the time, the mood we were in when we acted and our desired objectives.

It stands to reason that we can never behave at 18 how we would behave at 38, no matter how we might try! For example, we would not have the same level of maturity at 18 as we would have to know better at 38. So we would act exactly as an 18 year old should. Just because things might not have worked out doesn't make it a 'mistake'. Good or bad, that was a part of our emotional and physical development which has helped us to where we are now.


Lessons to Learn
For example, the last ten years of my marriage were pretty traumatic, yet I just carried on from year to year in that debilitating situation. Looking back now, from a position of being more confident, more knowledgeable about life, and far happier, it is tempting to say that I made a 'mistake' not ending the marriage sooner. But that so called 'mistake' of staying an extra 10 years reflected my own needs back then, my lack of confidence in myself, the lack of knowledge and belief regarding how I could survive on my own at 54 years old, after 35 years living with someone, and my mood of unhappiness and gloom at the time. I did not have the self-belief I needed to propel myself out to something better, so how can my lack of action during that time be regarded as a 'mistake'? I simply wasn't ready to act.



If I had actually left the marriage to avoid those 10 years I might not have made a success of my life as I am doing now, because those years toughened me up (maturity) for what was to come. They brought me to a point where I had to realise for myself that my situation was untenable and prepared me for taking that final step. They suited the person I was then and, if I could have acted differently, I certainly would have done so. I now cannot use my present feeling of confidence to judge those years when I am not the vulnerable, fearful woman who existed then.



Had I stayed in the marriage after I realised the alternatives, I would not have learned anything from that situation to benefit me. One could then say that I refused to learn the lesson because I still got some kind of payoff which kept me there, despite my unhappiness. People only repeat 'mistakes' because they want to. They feel comfortable doing what they have always done, no matter how painful it is. Their fear of the unknown, or their desire to keep getting the same results in their life, keep them stuck in the same situations, or even in new situations, repeating their old habits while being increasingly unhappy.



At such times, often it is because they blame others for what is happening to them and so refuse to act differently because they are hoping that someone else will act for them and make everything better. But that just perpetuates the situation and keep them in the same mould, getting what they have always got, on and on and on.






The Top 10 reasons why some men might not be attracting women online

 


There are some men who complain often of either getting no responses, being ignored, or not getting the attention they expect. There are various reasons for this, depending on the type of women they are pursuing, and what the women require.

However, there are some common, and recurring, reasons which prevent many men getting what they seek. In fact, one can easily see 10 of them to be avoided, where necessary.

Here they are, listed with the worst ones at the top:



* Having no picture (or having nothing in their profile to give an idea of who they are), when they wouldn't walk down a High Street or into a pub without a head!!



* Being overweight, failing to see their extra weight - or doing anything about it - yet expecting to date slim women! If they are not taking care of their own bodies, how can they expect such women, who obviously look after themselves, to be impressed?


For example, despite the fact that I am only 138 lbs, and that I clearly request a slim or medium man in my profile, the number of obese men who make contact is puzzling. They obviously haven't got a mirror or are in denial about themselves!



* Writing negative stuff about women on their profile, yet expecting to attract the very women they are slagging off. A profile should be a positive, welcoming thing, describing who you are and giving an idea of what you are seeking, not using one painful experience to apply to ALL women who might read it! That is judging every woman with the same yardstick, without waiting to find out what a new woman might be like, and is really part of a scapegoat mentality. Treat every person as an individual and you will be treated like that too.



* Displaying the 'candy shop' syndrome: Clearly seeking attention from as many women as possible, at the same time, like irresponsible players, instead of one special person. There is no harm in talking to however many women it takes to find a partner or soulmate, but it is a sign of value and respect to deal with one person at a time before talking to someone else.



* Big Tattoos - might look great on your arm or body, but are really off-putting for many women. Best to seek women who have tattoos too. In that way, you know they won't mind yours.



* Facial hair - This can look great on a guy but it often ages men and is not really nice against women's skin. Moreover, for older men, few women would wish to date anyone looking like Santa Claus!

* Men with earring(s) - a no-no for most women.



* Unreasonable expectations: Desiring women to be 'eye candies' and trophies on their arm, but not caring about how they look, when attraction works both ways. Or being a smoker and expecting the non-smoking woman to accept them.



* Being inarticulate. If one cannot express one's self adequately to get what one wants, how can one communicate with a woman to mutual benefit?

Worst of all:

* Liking some women and automatically expecting them to like him back! Or not taking 'No' for an answer. Chemistry is an unpredictable thing. Just because we might like someone doesn't mean they will like us in return, because they could have different emotional needs from us. Accepting that fact before an approach is made, and especially after contact, will make the connection far less painful.

After all that, there is a very important point to remember about the law of attraction: There is someone for everyone out there. No matter who we are and what we look like, there will be someone who finds us attractive. So there is no need to ever change to suit others. These are just tips to smooth the path to true love.



However, one thing that men are not taking into account is that many women now lead equally independent lives and can pick and choose to their heart's content, just as the men do. It means that, to be appealing to as many women as possible, which gives greater choice, it is helpful for men to bear the list in mind when deciding how they wish to be perceived when they're looking for soulmates