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How Do I Get My Girlfriend To Respect Me?

 


Q. My girlfriend doesn't think she "disses" me but I can't get her to understand what respect is. She thinks of it as courtesy. When we are together, we do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this. I wonder often why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone. I feel very close to her when she does cry about something in my presence. I get so frustrated when we just have sex and there is no "pillow talk"--and then she will want to play Scrabble or watch a movie. Have you any ideas how I can get her to recognize what respect is?


A. I don't promise to have all the answers, because it is difficult forming opinions when one has info for only one side of a situation to go on, mainly your perspective. However, I'll simply raise some scenarios, purely from a woman's perspective, and see if they help in any way. A few things leapt out of your query and I'll use them as examples.

1. "We do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this."

You shouldn't be just TELLING partners what to do, but negotiating a compromise. Only controllers dictate and expect people to follow. If you merely tell her what to do and leave her to act, or constantly complain about her efforts, she will keep doing what she has always done just to defy or punish you, especially if she puts her needs first. What you also don't realise, is that when you do what she wants, and then tell her you don't like it, you are reinforcing the very thing you dislike. Of course, it is harder to change it then. The time to express your feelings is BEFORE you both do it, then either join in on mutually agreeable terms or not at all.

You have two choices here. Either to sit down together and have some genuine, calm dialogues about what makes both you and her happy, mentioning how you feel excluded and undervalued at such moments when she merely pleases herself. Then negotiate some sort of compromise so that you BOTH get what you want as often as possible. OR you simply stop playing ball for a while, don't try to please her or join in, and then see what she does.

2. "I wonder often why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone."

Often when people stop talking, or appear angry, it is because they feel they are not being heard and are festering with resentment, but lack the courage to say how they feel. Your girlfriend seems to be keeping talking to a minimum because she probably does not find the process enjoyable or endearing. So she deliberately engages in activities which give few opportunities for talking and is also silent in bed (perhaps as a form of punishment for the way she feels). I am not sure how long you have been together, but something seems to have gone in the communication and would need some genuine LISTENING on both your parts to get it back.

They say we cannot truly love another until we love ourself. The same with respect. We cannot expect it if we don't give it, neither can respect be demanded. It has to be earned too. So the first path towards getting your girlfriend to recognise respect and to treat you accordingly is to do some self-examination of your way of giving respect because the ability to say NO is as important as saying YES.

3. How much do you really treat her with respect? How much does she feel valued and respected for her contributions and opinions? How equal is the partnership? Do you just notice her weaknesses and flaws with little praise for other things?

4. You say that when she cries you feel very close to her. Is it because she is more vulnerable then and more easy to control? You then feel more in charge and less threatened, more protective as the 'man'? What about closeness at other times? Do you feel as close when she is not crying? If not, why not? Do you feel 'useless' at other times? Those questions need answering because, if you perceive your girlfriend to have a strong personality or independence, some men can find that difficult to deal with as it threatens their feeling of value, status and even their identity. However, apart from getting her to read my blog, you cannot teach someone about respect. They have to FEEL they want to give it because it usually comes naturally when we truly care about someone and feel at one with them.

As I said, it is difficult for me to advise when I do not know your situation from both sides. Nevertheless, it is surprising what a little bit of listening rather than just telling can achieve. You might not hear what you want to hear, but at least it will provide some clues as to the root causes and also how you can both begin to remedy the situation. Or, more ominously, it could be that either one or both of you has lost your appeal and, when that goes, sadly, it never comes back which then keeps respect at rock bottom. Sounds as though there is physical appeal between you but no emotional bond, hence the lack of 'pillow talk'. If that is the case, or if all else fails, you might have to let that one go and seek someone more affirming and reciprocal.

Perhaps this article on the nature of RESPECT could also be of value.




How Do I Handle Rejection?

 


Q. Lately I've just been depressed and the thought of suicide is something that comforts me instead of scaring me. All these thoughts have happened cos me and my girlfriend split up (she dumped me). We had such a good thing (even though we were together for only a month) and I just can't seem to pull myself out of my depressed state. She's now got someone else and it drives me insane with jealousy, it really hurts. Another thing that hurts is I've been dumped twice this year. This has destroyed my confidence as both girls have gone on about how 'nice' I am but still dumped me. If you have any words or advice for me it would be much appreciated thank you.

A. First of all, I am really sorry to hear how you feel because life is such a precious thing. It is all we have, no rehearsal. But many of us find it difficult to deal with rejection. We think so low of ourselves, we put our whole life in the hands of one person to get 'happiness' and then when it is withdrawn, the pain of losing it is too much to bear.

Let's start with some brutal truths. You got dumped because you expect other people to love you for you. You don't really love yourself and that emotional state is very clear to the women you seek. They sense your constant need for approval - your neediness - and they don't like people who depend on them too much for love. They value some detachment. So they walk over you like a doormat. Your desire for external love allows you to accept that bad behaviour towards you (hence being labelled 'nice'). You gradually cease to become attractive in your passivity. And then you're dumped.

First thing to remember is that any kind of love we seek from another starts with self-love and the acknowledgement that you are the most gorgeous man on the planet! If you do not accept that fact this minute, who is going to value you? You are a wonderful, unique, loveable person. BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST TO SEE IT or to get that love from another!


Lacking Personal value
A desire for suicide is about lacking value in yourself. Rejection only confirms what you already believe about yourself and suicide seems appropriate for such a 'useless', unlovable person. But just because someone is not keen on you does not mean your value is any less in everyone else's eyes. In fact, that is the time to bid that person a firm goodbye and loudly say "NEXT!".

If you kill yourself today, she will still be shagging her new fellow, and you will be gone, depriving yourself of a life and some deserving woman waiting elsewhere of your love and company. Is that the best you can do with the life you have been granted when many others are dead? There are millions of women out there. Our life is a journey, not based on one event. Do you value yourself so little that you can take just one or two people's opinion and put yourself down? So what if some woman said no? There is ALWAYS a good reason behind why someone isn't right for us. It's just that we cannot see it at the time. Use rejection as a lesson in finding the right people for you and move on to a more fulfilling experience. You are only 23 and you are learning every day of your life. That's how we have so much knowledge, resilience and courage by the time we reach 40 or 50. Life is also about PLEASURE and PAIN. You cannot have one without the other. Something has to die first before something else begins. So accept that pain as part of your growth and increasing wisdom.

I know that this is very difficult for you, but you need to stop focusing on that girl now and start putting the spotlight on yourself. Begin to tell yourself DAILY that she wasn't right for you and you accept that, because you deserve BETTER. That her opinion is only one of millions. Rejoice that you had an enjoyable month with her and move on, wiser but more loving towards yourself. When you love yourself you will appreciate how special you are. You won't fear being hurt because YOU are the important one, not them. Women are likely to find you more appealing because you won't need to cling to them. You'll love yourself first and seem even more attractive.

Most important, relationships come and go, but you have to be with yourself 24/7. If you matter the most, you won't give a damn about another person's actions. You will chalk it up to experience, look ahead and move on without living in regrets or the past - and much better for it too. I hope you have a better day tomorrow because you are a wonderful human being given a precious gift of life. Don't let someone else dictate its course, or devalue your worth.

By the way, If your suicidal feelings continue, then you may need to see a professional or counsellor. However, my guess is that you just need some time to allow yourself to accept your new situation and to heal. But you'll be fine. It's denial and self-pity that keep you in pain.

Perhaps you might find this article of interest: Have you ever been dumped?


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Why are some men so intimidated by ex-boyfriends?

 


Many men are intimidated by ex-boyfriends because of a variety of reasons, especially the following:

1. Possessiveness: Men like to feel that they 'own' their woman and dislike the thought that another man was in the picture. They don't like to share. In his view, the new woman belongs to no one else but him. However, she has a past and that has to be dealt with, whether the new man likes it or not, and this often makes the new man feel intimidated. The ex-boyfriend having 'owned' her first has robbed him of the exclusivity he desires. That is why many men are apt to query what has happened before, how much better they are than the ex and might then label women who have had numerous sexual partners as 'slags' or 'tarts' etc.. In their perception, their ideal relationship should always to be the first, or the only one, for the woman they desire.

2. Competition: A man's world is a very competitive one. There is frequent effort to outdo rivals and any ex-boyfriend is a key rival. There are always anxious questions in a new relationship like: "Is he better than me?" (Meaning did he satisfy you more and has he got a bigger penis than I have!) or "Does he know something about her that I don't?" or "Did he make her feel happier than I did?" or "What does she really think of him?" They cannot resist comparing themselves to the exes and are often found wanting because the very act of comparison makes them feel inadequate. Men often forget that anxieties like those are groundless because, if the first relationship was still good, they would not be on the scene now!

3. Territorial Rights: Ex-boyfriends have been there first, almost marking their territory. No matter who comes next, they are the ones who have set either the tone, the standards or the pressure. especially if there are children involved. Ex-boyfriends seem to enjoy an unassailable position of favour which is envied by the new men and, being such a competitive arena, they will always loom large over any new relationship until the couple have moved on to create a new aura in their own unique way.

4. Nagging doubts: For men in a new relationship, there is often the doubt that their new woman might not be quite over her ex-boyfriend, especially where children are involved and both parents have to keep seeing each other for any reason. It is easy to believe that they are still emotionally attached, particularly at the beginning when the new man is feeling insecure and needs to anchor himself in his new place in the face of what was there before. At these times, ex-boyfriends always loom larger than life to new men, even when their old influence might have been minimal.

Ex-boyfriends are particularly intimidating because they leave a visible past and a history which will always be there in some form or other, especially if there are children between the couple. A new man is not likely to be judged on his merit in such cases. Often, he is subconsciously judged according to the ex-boyfriend. In time, he had better be seen as a great improvement, otherwise it will not be long before he is openly compared to the ex in the most unfavourable terms!




My fiancee has more male friends than female. Should I to talk to her about it?

 


Q. I am a little insecure about the fact that my fiance has many male friends. She hangs around with friends but there are no girl friends ion her list. Do I need to speak to her and ask her to lessen her number of male friends.? I am a bit upset about this, though i trust her a lot, but I don't trust those guys. I love her a lot. I just don't wanna loose her.

A. If your fiancee has more male friends than female, it is likely she has a problem with her self-esteem. She believes deep down that she is not really worthy to men unless she has as many male friends as possible paying attention to her. That comes out of a lack of self-love and a need to be affirmed. There is also the possibility that she could have been brought up in a family of boys and feels far more comfortable with them as friends, hence their appeal. That would not be too much of a problem in the long run. That is just behaving to type.

The one which is more relevant is likely to be the self esteem issue and you need to tread carefully with that one. Until she truly loves and appreciates herself, there is nothing you can do about her male friends.

However, you can help in the meantime by doing three things:
1. Stop feeling so insecure. Your insecurity may drive her towards someone else when she really doesn't want another boyfriend. She simply wants the ATTENTION she can get. She wants to feel like the most wanted and valued person and your being insecure because of that will only judge her more harshly than she deserves. It naturally makes you feel uncomfortable, but trying to help her rather than laying down rules or feeling offended is the best way forward in order to secure your friendship with her.

2. No, you DON'T speak to her about it, except to ask her why she finds it more comfortable to be with boys than girls. Don't make it sound like a criticism either. Remember, she has chosen YOU, no one else, so the only person who is querying the situation with doubts is you. Listen to her reasons, discuss the reasons, but say nothing else about it that would make the situation worse. You may also ask her how she would feel if you had a lot of girlfriends to help her see the parallel but the minute you start criticisng her actions she will become self-conscious and defensive.



3. Instead of chiding her, increase your attention to her. For example, pay her REGULAR compliments, praise her, tell her how wonderful she is, thank her for being in your life, give her surprise gifts, be more romantic, show her how much you value her and treat her like a princess. Soon she will not need the company of other men to show her that appreciation because she will be getting it from you. Whenever someone seeks others outside of a relationship, no matter how good it is, it is basically because something is missing; perhaps because one party feels neglected, unloved or unwanted.

By the way, you cannot say you trust her but you don't trust the guys. That's contradictory. It actually suggests that she is not adult enough to resist the guys in her group. In effect, you really don't trust her either! Insecurity and jealousy won't make her do what you want, neither will seeking to change her. You have only two options: to leave her alone and find someone more in line with what you seek or to change your own actions and that should eventually change her too.

So, instead of focusing on what your fiancee is doing, focus on YOU and how you treat her. When did you last go out together? Done something exciting? etc. Soon there will be no need to notice what she is doing because, with the increased attention between you, she will be focusing on you too! If that doesn't work, then you're with the wrong person!




How do you cope with a truly demanding woman?

 


Both men and women can be demanding, but it is mainly men who complain of women being demanding. Most cases where one person is supposed to be 'demanding', there is actually a mismatch of expectations which can be resolved with some regular communication. In the more entrenched cases, where the women are actually very demanding, a different approach is necessary. But we have to understand the root of why women are demanding, or begin to make demands.

First of all, a man or woman shouldn't demand anything in a relationship. A relationship should be equal and should enhance the life of the couple, not please one person while putting undue pressure or discomfort on another. All requirements should be negotiable. A truly demanding woman has a problem with self esteem which shows itself in feelings of insecurity, jealousy, not liking herself and not wanting to spend too much time on her own.

All those aspects manifest themselves in how she expects her man to treat her, or act towards her. Gradually she becomes very controlling and inflexible, especially if the guy tends to be passive and give in to her demands Some women are also demanding because that gives them a feeling of confidence in situations where they might feel inadequate against their man, or fear being controlled themselves. Their response is to set the parameters of behaviour first, and regularly, which often carry a lot of mistrust and suspicion with them.

So how does a guy cope with specific instances in a demanding relationship? The following examples should give some idea.


1. When the woman demands he spends more time with her
If a woman feels the need to demand more time from her partner (and this often happens where the man seems to be caught up in his work, sport or pastime) it is because she feels neglected, mistrustful, lonely or insecure, which makes her focus on herself. She is not considering his needs because she does not feel valued enough to think of him. Apart from the fact that it is unhealthy for one person's development to spend all their free time with another, that would be a very tense relationship.

On the other hand, the man should never ignore any demands from a wife/girlfriend, neither should he comply meekly with them. His needs should also come into the frame. The only thing possible when demands are being made about time issues is for the couple to discuss what BOTH of them would like to happen, then work out a compromise so that they are both getting what they seek as much and as often as possible.


2) When the wife/girlfriend asks him to change his habits
This is a mistake many women make when they begin a relationship. They believe they can change a guy once they become an item. But no one can change another human being. People change only when they feel the need to change themselves. Change has to come from within us, not because of someone else. Once again, if a woman is making demands for a guy to change, there are two ways around it. He should either demand that she also changes something in her behaviour, and promises to change when she does, or he gently tells her that she first liked him as he is and, if he did change, he would be someone different and might just fancy someone else more suitable to his new persona! The first option would show the woman that change wasn't easy and the second reminds her that there is no perfect person, and she would be in danger of losing him if she changed him too much into someone else!

Often when we ask people to change fundamental things about themselves it is because we are unhappy with who we are and believe, erroneously, that by changing others, we would feel better about ourselves or feel happier with them. But focusing on the perceived 'faults' of others seldom works. For example, do NOT date a smoker if you don't like smoking, then expect him to give up smoking for you. That shows him no respect for what he wants to do. Furthermore, only he can give it up because he feels it is the right thing to do, not because you say so.

Far better to simply date a non-smoker and accept him entirely as he is. It is foolhardy to subscribe to the notion that, 'If he loves me, he will do this or that'. That's love with conditions i:e, if he is a 'good boy', doing what I want, then he is worthy of my love! Conditional love never works in the long run because it gradually becomes manipulative. People make the best partners when they are themselves, not caricatures of the perfect images we have of them.


3) When the woman nags and gets emotional when she doesn't get her way
One who gets emotional or nags is a woman who is not being heard. Constant expression of her situation becomes her only way of getting attention. Relationships where there is nagging and pain are unhappy relationships where communication is either absent or faulty. Many men can also be controlling and selfish, often doing things only in their way without taking the needs of the women into account. This can often drive a saint to distraction. The only thing that can be done, if the relationship is to survive, is for the couple to talk much more, to actually LISTEN to each other, and not just talk at one another, and to be sensitive to each other's needs. In relationships where those three key things happen, the interaction and feelings are far more positive and engaging. Most of all, making that woman feel VALUED at all times, not taking her for granted, is the best way to stop the nagging and emotional outbursts.






Should a man call it quits if the relationship gets too demanding?

 


Before I answer the question, a guy recently told me that the last date he had was too demanding of him so he decided that he wouldn't have a second date with her! It turned out that he was perennially 'busy' and she simply wanted to share some of his time. As he was not keen on meeting up more than he desired, he viewed her requests as 'demanding'. They conflicted with what he thought was 'reasonable' and that was the end of that.

Both men and women can be demanding, but it is mainly men who complain of women being demanding. Most cases where one person is supposed to be 'demanding', there is actually a mismatch of expectations which can be resolved with some regular communication and a little extra effort. In the more entrenched cases, where the women are actually very demanding, a different approach is necessary. 

It is important to know that a truly demanding woman has a problem with self esteem which shows itself in feelings of insecurity, jealousy, not liking herself and not wanting to spend too much time on her own. All those aspects manifest themselves in how she expects her man to treat her, or act towards her. Gradually she becomes very controlling and inflexible, especially if the guy tends to be passive and give in to her demands. Some women are also demanding because that gives them a feeling of confidence in situations where they might feel inadequate against their man, or fear being controlled themselves. Their response is to set the parameters of behaviour first, and regularly, which often carry a lot of mistrust and suspicion with them.


Sure Signs of a Demanding Relationship
* The first tell-tale sign is a lack of TRUST: where the guy is watched constantly, where there is jealousy and where there is too much insecurity, anxiety and frustration. Lots of unreasonable demands come out in such relationships. 

* The second is a lack of RESPECT. One person mainly cares about their needs and wants, without much sensitivity to the other person. That is usually a very controlling atmosphere which would lack real communication and value. 

* The third is a genuine feeling of DISCOMFORT that something isn't right, a feeling of being PRESSURED, perhaps under constant scrutiny ad feeling misunderstood, yet uncertainty about what should be done about it. 

* Finally, it seems to be all about the other partner's NEEDS and little else. There would appear to be a lack of appreciation for one's own viewpoint and actions. Those are all key signs that the relationship is becoming more demanding on one person, and they should not be ignored.

A man should call it quits when it doesn't feel right for him, and when the relationship is low on emotional benefits but high on emotional/physical costs. Chemistry in a relationship consists of four key elements between the couple: attraction, comfort, value and excitement. When those four attributes are gone, nothing will bring them back. It is then time to call it quits, for sure, because that's a relationship heading nowhere!




Do you feel intimidated by intelligent women?

 


I am usually getting two questions from some men framed in an indirect way. The first is more blunt: "What's an intelligent woman like you doing on here?", supposed to be a compliment!

The second is "You must make some men feel intimidated by your wisdom and intelligence?" Translated to mean: not some men, but him, personally. It masks an old-fashioned thinking about the place of women in our highly developed technological world. Yet fear that is not connected to our survival is not an attractive quality.

In answer to the first question, anyone who treats Internet dating sites like some pits, where 'decent' people wouldn't go, is basically showing their ignorance of the trends and their low opinion of themselves. Internet dating sites are simply the latest amazing OPTION, no better and no worse, than all the other options for meeting people. The £20+ per month is well spent, as that's likely o be the only outlay in the search.

I don't drink alcohol so I don't like pubs, though I don't mind sharing company in them. As a woman, being in the comfort of my home, and having the option to accept or refuse the approach of someone at the touch of a button, is extremely convenient and has nothing to do with last chance saloons. I believe I am fab and, ipso facto, I meet fab men. It's interesting that I am never attracted to men with low self esteem who decry dating sites because my esteem is high enough, thank you. It is technological ignorance, fear and personal discomfort why some people treat dating sites as something negative, yet STILL use it. I cannot work that one out, because if I think something is beneath me, you would not see me within a mile of it!


The Power of Intelligence
The second question, about making men feel intimidated by my intelligence, is a very interesting one because we cannot make another person feel anything they don't want to feel! We are all responsible for our emotions. People CHOOSE how they wish to react to anything in their lives, hence why we get different reactions to the same situation. If a man feels intimated by my knowledge and confidence, what he is actually saying is that feels inadequate against me, he doesn't have a high opinion of himself, he cannot hope to match me and thus it is my fault.

Hmmmmmm.... As Eleanor Roosevelt said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," and that sums it up in a nutshell. I have to be me, and so I take great pleasure, joy, pride - and have much gratitude - for being blessed with talents other people might not have. But being intelligent certainly has its advantages.

A major report some time ago by Danish scientists found the top five things that keep us alive longest to be:


5. Nutrition (how good and useful it is for our bodies)

4. Health (the strength of our constitution)

3. Wealth (the quality of life we have, not necessarily money or riches)

2. Social Network (how many relatives, friends or other support we enjoy)

1. Education (from simply being able to read and write to advanced skills)



Yes, being educated to a great degree actually enhances your life by extra years. The researchers found that for people who simply finish secondary school, an extra three years were added, on average, to their lives. Another example relates to the middle ages, where the average mortality rate was just 36 years. Yet the most active and educated people, like the bishops, poets, writers, nobles, politicians and artisans, lived well into their 50s and 60s! So feeding the brain is actually the best remedy for getting more years.



In fact, there is no great kudos in being low in intelligence because one of the biggest causes of people NOT finding partners is their inability to communicate, to express clearly what they want, and to hold simple conversations. Furthermore, the basis of any conversation is a question, yet most people don't know how to ask questions of others. They merely make statements about themselves and wait for the other person to react. But it's questions that get reactions, and most people who are underdeveloped intellectually seldom ask questions, so they do not get the answers they seek. This tends to leave them feeling more frustrated and anxious.



If you are the type who feels intimidated by an intelligent woman, ask yourself why. What is it you believe you lack that makes you feel inferior, competitive or resentful, instead of appreciating what this person might actually bring to enrich your life?



As to me, I really couldn't care less who is intimidated by me and my intelligence because I love me and my talents. Hence I am usually pleased when men tell me they are intimidated by me because they immediately rule themselves out and save me from their negativity. Most important, I am not here for every man either. I am seeking just ONE very special man who recognises my value and the exciting possibilities of making a great team together. I found him once, and it lasted 34 wonderful years.

The search continues for the next Mr Right! :o)






Fear of commitment in men: Reasons behind the phobia

 


We are living in different times where both men and women can play the game of life by their own rules. With social independence for both genders, there is no compulsion to team up as couples, unless they really want to. That need to preserve their independence has made some men near phobic in their reaction to commitment.  

On the other hand, many guys also have an ideal of relationships with women. They believe that being committed to a good woman will realise their dream of a happy home with someone loving to care for them. However, once they have been hurt and suffered financially in any way, that's something they carry around as emotional baggage often until the fear of further commitment takes them over.

The key reasons behind a fear of commitment for men can be summed up in three main phrases which fill them with dread: loss of personal freedom, a fear of being hurt and fear of financial ruin. 


1. Guys fear commitment firstly because of the fear of being hurt.
Many complain a lot about not wanting to be hurt and go to lengths to avoid it, forgetting that pleasure comes before any hurt and that, if they don't expose themselves to the possibility of being hurt, they won't get the pleasure either! But hurt is not an automatic state for anyone. We are prone to get hurt when we don't love ourselves and depend on someone else to love us instead. We put all our faith and feelings on a potential partner and when they do not behave to expectations it is a really painful realisation.

We are also likely to be hurt when we really don't know what we want and put up with anything for convenience and expediency. Finally, being hurt becomes more probable when we are guided purely by superficial attributes like looks, without taking other aspects (such as personal values and communication) into account. So being hurt in any relationship is often self inflicted through the unwillingness to learn from our connections, to establish what we require to make us happy and then to actually seek it instead of settling for second best. 


2. Next is a fear of losing their freedom.

Guys tend to be very sensitive about their space and independence. Many of them are just not ready for such a responsible commitment. To them it is nice to have someone beside them in a long term relationship but in a more detached way, not too close. They do not want someone infringing their space for too long and the idea of not being able to do anything and go where they want at any time does not exactly thrill them. Worst still, they like the idea of having a variety of sexual experiences open to them with different women, even if they don't act upon it. The fact that they can date any woman they desire without having to account for it to someone is appealing to them and losing such independence scares some of them a great deal.


Another main aspect of valuing their space is the real problem they have in compromising.
Most guys dislike the idea of having to compromise in a relationship and prefer to do what feels natural to them without having to ask for permission or to explain themselves. Many believe that having any compromise makes them appear weak and 'unmanly' and that, even more important, they would be the one having to do the compromise.


3. Finally, a fear of losing everything they have worked for financially.
Some guys have been through very painful and costly divorces while others have seen friends and colleagues who have suffered from them. In their eyes, the women always seem to come off better, leaving them in ruins. The number of men who actually put on their dating profiles how their wives have 'cleaned' them out is legion! They feel hard done by, resentful and angry when they have gone through a divorce where they have to share their possessions unfairly, and they dread a repeat of it. Anyway, the whole cost of marriage or settling down puts them off the idea altogether. 

By keeping things fluid and noncommittal guys get the best of all worlds: regular friendship, regular sex and someone to support them emotionally while they keep their freedom, their space and independence without any long term responsibility, or the anxiety, of losing anything too valuable in the process.







Are you the jealous type?

 


No, I don't do jealousy at all. Jealousy eats at our confidence and self-esteem and hands our power over to someone else who might not even care about us! Jealousy comes out of an acute fear of rejection and also suggests three things about us:

First, we do not love ourselves enough so we fear that person's loss of attention and love. We fear being on our own and cannot bear the thought that the partner could leave us. We love ourselves so little, we believe we are not really loved enough by anyone and so have to be constantly on the look-out, and be intrusive, in case our partner fancies someone else.

Second, is a deep seated insecurity in dealing with others, again stemming from a lack of self love. We don't believe we deserve the love and care we are given and so are continuously suspicious of that person's motives for loving us. We are inclined to believe that they don't really mean it, as we are not worthy enough, and so watch them all the time expecting them to prove it. Insecurity is very corrosive and often kills a lot of relationships through destroying any trust that might be in the relationship.

Third, is a desire to control the other person's movements and actions by being jealous of everything they do. The relationship then becomes claustrophobic as there is no real freedom or space within it. Controllers tend to be very jealous because that is one of the main ways to impose themselves on others and to keep the other person in line. By controlling their partner's/friend's behaviour, they feel more secure.

We all have a little bit of jealousy inside us. That's how we know that we really care about someone, when we care about what they're doing. But when that jealousy takes centre stage, it becomes self-destructive and counter-productive in the end. Trust is the essence of any relationship. If that trust is not there, that partnership is doomed, and where there is jealousy there is no trust, only suspicion and repression. The worse thing anyone can do in any relationship is to go after another person and, if they wish to do that, no powers on earth will make them want us. So pointless being jealous of their actions. That just keeps us being the losers by increasing our sense of rejection. The best thing to do is to look on it as valuable experience and promptly find someone else who appreciates us more.




How to prevent your wife from cheating

 


Most women cheat through neglect, boredom and being taken for granted. Many people forget a vital factor when they get into a relationship: that human beings are constantly evolving and developing different aspirations, needs and expectations. Cheating with someone else is an attempt to come to terms with those changing needs, especially if the relationship no longer fulfils them.

To prevent one's partner from cheating, especially one's wife, one has to address those needs on four different levels:


First through daily attention that will stave off neglect.
Women like to feel they are valued, wanted and loved. Once they are taken for granted and ignored, that spells trouble. Yet, often some men use the security they feel when they have a partner to actually ignore their spouses until it is too late. Many women cheat not because they don't love their husbands, or they want to break up the home, but simply because they lack attention. Just a compliment or an appreciative look from another guy for a woman starved of attention and appreciation at home can make her feel totally different. Hence the best spouses will give some attention each day: whether through a simple phone call, compliments, having a night out or a love-in and paying due attention to their spouses whenever possible.


Second, through personal appreciation.
Regular reinforcement and appreciation stops wives from feeling taken for granted. Many women who do not work spend their time looking after children and the home only to have that relegated way behind the man's job in importance. Their efforts are likely to be taken for granted, as given, without the proper respect paid by the men in their lives. Long relationships tend to be a casualty of this. People grow comfortable in their partnerships and begin to take more than they give. Soon the rot sets in as resentment takes over. A little gift now and then, praise as often as possible and, most important, noticing when things are done or helping where possible, and as often as you can, are very important to emphasise that appreciation and value and keep the loyalty and respect intact.


Third, through maintaining affection, love and sex.
Often men unwittingly neglect their spouses through a denial of sex or not being too affectionate when they are tired after work. They stop courting their wives and making them feel special just because they are married and feel burdened with responsibility. But it is when couples are living together that the courting needs to continue; that the affection needs to grow and the sex become regular. Mutual loving and displays of affection help the couple to be in constant communication with one another and is like the glue that holds the relationship together. When the love aspect erodes, especially with affection, women are likely to look outside the home for it because that's the main way they feel valued, wanted and desired, and a primary way they show their feelings.


Fourth, through acknowledging simple evolution and avoiding being static.

If the spouse is gradually changing, especially through self education, forming new associates, joining new clubs and doing new things, that is the time the husband should be taking notice!! New activities and self education leads to new thoughts, new experiences, new colleagues, new desires and new aspirations. It is inevitable. The more one evolves is the more one needs different things for that stage of life.

For example, someone who is married at 30 would have changed quite significantly by the time they are 40. If their partner has kept up with them and is still on the same wavelength, enjoying the same topics, leisure and values, that would ensure a stronger relationship. But if the partner is still back there saying the same old things, doing the same actions and being rather boring, the attraction is bound to go between the couple. They wouldn't be sharing as much as they used to, neither would they singing from the same hymn sheet. Sooner or later someone outside will seem far more appealing. It will be a matter of time before one partner looks outside the home for someone else who fits the new state and outlook.

In fact, boredom can be the biggest cause of cheating in a relationship so husbands should make sure that they do not settle into a routine where they feel secure and cosy but which kills the interaction for good. The best way to combat this is not to be too predictable in actions, to be more spontaneous towards their wives, to try to address the partners' needs as often as possible and to have a variety of activities within the relationship than just the same thing every Friday, for example. Doing repeated activities constantly might give a sense of comfort and reliability but that tends to kill enthusiasm and motivation over time.

As long as husbands are liberal with attention, sensitive to their wives' needs, affectionate and loving, spontaneous and appreciative in actions and mindful of natural changes, they are likely to feel more confident in keeping their attraction, keeping wives faithful and loyal while, at the same time, keeping the relationship fresh, exciting and enjoyable. If the wives are doing that too, that would be a magical match!




What might cause a soldier's wife to cheat?

 


There are many reasons why spouses might cheat in their marriages. The most common causes are feelings of neglect, a lack of affection, affirmation and love, lack of reinforcement, an absence of trust, unfulfilled expectations, being hurt by a partner's actions, loneliness or simply boredom with the union. So it is difficult to pinpont any one thing that might be laid at the door of a soldier's wife. Her reasons would be like anyone else, except in one major respect: coping daily with the possibility of her husband's death and the long periods alone.

Having been an Airforce wife, and having to cope with my ex-husband's frequent absences, I would think that the main contributing factor for any cheating in this situation, would be the long periods spent away from her spouse. Soldiers' wives do not have a great time of it when their husbands are engaged in battle. Unlike every other wife, they have to live with the constant fact that their husband could be killed on duty and there could be the dreaded knock on the door early morning or late at night.

They also have to do without the physical help, emotional support and the loving attention of their loved ones for intermittently long periods. They have to be both mother and father to their children and be strong support for themselves and their kids, without getting such support themselves. Not only does that offer ample opportunities to welcome the attention of others, or to accept light relief from their unrelenting anxiety, but it takes very strong people to carry on normally without such companionship and support, especially where there are children involved.

On top of that, if the marriage is already weak or shaky in any way, being separated from each other would not really help the couple to mend the fences, though time apart might make the hearts grow fonder. It means that someone is more likely to cheat in this scenario because the love and affection aren't strong enough already to encourage the wife to remain faithful or to hold the union together.

People who have their partners snugly beside them every day might be the first to condemn a soldier's wife for cheating. But, unlike that spouse, they are not risking anything, neither do they have to live with the constant worry, and so cannot afford to judge someone in her position. When all is taken into account, a soldier's wife is likely to cheat through sheer loneliness, anxiety and a lack of emotional support and personal reinforcement.






Why do girls think a guy 'should' take care of her?

 


Q. Why do girls have this mentality? I think it's really rude that girls automatically think guys have unlimited financial resources and can just throw all the burden on them. Why do girls think guys have all the riches? Why can't girls work hard? We're no different from you, we work, we try, we fail, we breath, we live.


A. This attitude is not just restricted to girls, some guys have it too! However, as the people you are associating with appear to be like that I will address your question particularly.

Some girls might think like that for four main reasons:

1. They lack self-belief and the confidence to make their own way in life and perhaps believe that they have to depend on someone else to get by. They do not feel they can make it on their own financially.

2. They lack self-esteem and believe they won't be able to achieve what they want without the help of a guy. They are probably the insecure type who also need approval and believe they can only get that by being subservient or dependent.

3. They do not have their own resources or lack a job/career.

4. Everyone else around them have the same expectations and culture. They soon come to believe that they have to behave that way too to be taken seriously, especially if men like yourself have the prior expectation that women will behave accordingly.

However, many girls work and look after themselves too, so they would not expect a guy to foot the bill for everything.

Could it be that if you believe girls expect to be cared for, you expect it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because you then attract mainly those dependent types?

We get what we focus on in life so, unfortunately, if you do focus on money, that's all you're going to get in a girlfriend - one who focuses on it too!!




If I look at porn while I am in a relationship, is that cheating?

 


Not at all, assuming we are talking about adult porn which does not involve children. Cheating, in my book, is when one is having some kind of active intimate connection or relationship with someone else that one is in touch with, either sporadically or regularly. The operative phrase is active connection.

Looking at pornography is a passive activity. It is not a connection between two specific people. It is more a form of detached personal stimulation, for whatever reason, and is thus not in the same category. Many couples watch porn together for that stimulation, or watch it individually too, and what a couple does in the privacy of their home by mutual consent is their own business.

I can only see a problem if the porn becomes a substitute for a regular sex life, if it is used by one party to judge the other party's intimate performance or it becomes central to that person's life. Then there would be need for some serious discussion between the couple, as to what is missing from their own sex life, or some outside counselling to target any underlying problems. As long as there is regular communication, any dependency on porn would be lessened.

Sex has always been a fascination for mankind and exploitation of it in the form of porn will always be there. Like anything else, as long as it does not become an individual crutch (no pun intended!) and regarded like every other sex aid, I do not see an issue.

But you might have other ideas!






How to break up with a girlfriend

 


Breaking up with a girlfriend is never easy especially when some men are not very good communicators and tend to shy away from the emotional hassle of having to bare their feelings to others. But one reason why breaking up is so difficult is because most people expect the person they meet to be a permanent partner, yet there are other reasons why people come into our lives, not just to be with us long term.

There are five main tips for breaking up with one's girlfriend, especially if you are the instigator, that will leave the person feeling better than expected.


1. Treat her with respect and honesty
This means being open in all actions and communication. You have to accept that, if the feeling is not mutual, she will be hurt no matter what you say. So expressing exactly what's on your mind instead of covering anything up to sweeten the bitter pill is far more preferable to her being deceived. It also means telling the person as quickly as you have made the decision, not dragging it out to suit yourself. Sometimes a guy might think he doesn't want to hurt the person too much by taking his time and being economical with the truth. But we are not responsible for people's reactions to us. We cannot stop their hurt or pain because they have to react how they feel, not according to our expectations. We can only be true to ourselves on such occasions.


2. Be prepared to listen
Often, when a guy is breaking up with a girlfriend, he is so eager to get the job done and over with, he is not interested in what the girl has to say. But if the decision is not mutual, she is entitled to know why he would wish to terminate the relationship and to have her feelings heard in return. By all means be firm in your decision, but accept that any short term pain is part and parcel of breaking up for the long term gain. It is most devastating to break from someone we care for, so being heard softens that pain to some degree. At least you would know how she feels.


3. If she still likes you, do NOT offer to stay friends
When breaking up with a girlfriend, often a guy makes himself feel better by offering to be 'friends'. Not only is that patronising, if the girl did not suggest it, but it merely drags out the pain because only one person is benefiting from that. If she still likes you, refuse any offer of friendship too because that is just one way of delaying the inevitable and it really does not help the situation. Very few people can keep friends in a detached way with someone they still love, or value, while they watch that person taking his affections elsewhere. That is terribly painful and demoralising.

You can renew a platonic friendship, if you both desire, when you have both clearly moved on with your lives and there are no intimate residual feelings getting in the way. But both of you need a cooling off period away from each other to allow the break to take effect without any idea of a seond-best 'friendship' coming into the equation to confuse the issue.


4. Stress all the things you liked about the relationship

You are breaking up with someone, try not to look at the negatives. It really doesn't matter why you are breaking up because attraction comes and goes in human beings. All that matters is an acknowledgement that you enriched each others lives for the period you were together, you enjoyed each other's company and you both benefited from the time spent together. Resist the temptation to become negative to justify the break-up. This is the time to be the real gentleman and leave her feeling good about herself by pointing out some things you loved and appreciated. If she insists on reasons for the break then emphasise the new direction you wish to take with your life rather than her inadequacies in matching it.


5. Thank her for being in your life

This is the simplest but greatest form of affirmation when you are breaking up with a girlfriend: reinforcing how much you appreciated her presence, even though you are saying goodbye. Apart from saying it face to face, a great place to do this would be on any social networks you share, like Facebook.

Thank her for what she brought to the relationship and show her how much you valued it. Just because you are breaking up does not change the basic personalities you are. Some people focus on what was lacking but this is the time for gratitude too, an important point which is usually lost in the pain of these stressful times.

If you follow these five simple tips when you wish to leave a relationship, you might not see the benefits at the time you are breaking up. But the self esteem they will engender, and the memories they leave with your girlfriend, will ensure that you not only get the desired result but that you are also thought of in a far more positive way than might otherwise have occurred.






Help! Should I go back to my ex?

 


Q. So confused and need advice. The last few months me and my fiance have been fighting like cats and dogs and I figured it was time for us to go our separate ways. Well I moved out with my 2 children and got my own place. At that time I knew it was the right decision. Now that I'm all settled in I spend every night crying I miss him. We spent four years together and now I feel I made an irrational decision. I think I may have thrown my soul mate away...


A. First of all, please accept that you made the right decision. It was very brave of you to do what you did, and it could not have been easy moving to somewhere new and wanting that new life. But take it from me, if your instinct said it was time to go, then that was the right move.

DON'T go back there in the past and make yourself feel worse with regret. You are naturally unhappy because you are out of the situation, feeling isolated and perhaps lonely, looking at it from a detached viewpoint, and having a far rosier picture of what it used to be. If it was so good, you would never have left. Just keep reminding yourself of that and you won't then do anything which is against your best interest.

Remember too that it is natural to miss him, especially when the first few weeks alone are confusing, anxious and uncertain. We don't just stop loving someone just because we move away from them. But you are in a grieving process and all you need to do is to allow yourself that time to grieve, cry as much as you want, and feel badly - but only for a time. Don't drag it on and undo our good work otherwise he will think you cannot do without him.

Better still, get to know your new community, start making friends, joining clubs, dating sites or anything that will get you out of the past, and out of the house, and fully enjoying the new future you have chosen for yourself. No one forced you to leave so do not allow regret and wallowing in the past to make you doubt your decision because one thing is guaranteed: Should you go back to what you had, you will simply get more of the same. It won't be any better. If it will help keeping a connection going and talking on the phone, why not try that? But that could lure you back in the same old situation.

Your action has ensured a new, positive existence for you and your children, and also stocktaking for your boyfriend because he can't act that way anymore towards you and your family. It means a brighter future for all concerned. Please give it a chance to take root by trusting your judgement and remembering that today is the exciting beginning of the rest of your life. Time certainly heals if you have the patience and self-belief.




Are some men scared of successful women?

 


Yes they are, for four main reasons. That's why many of them are losing at the dating game.

First, men no longer have the special position they enjoyed in the family as a protector, or in relationships as the main ones who work. With the equality of women and their development, women are taking charge of their own lives and competing with men on their territory. This competition for scarce resources, especially in the workplace, which was almost automatically the preserve of men a few years ago, engenders fear in men as they worry about their own positions and future in a contracting marketplace.

Secondly, in relationships, independent, successful women no longer depend on men to decide on actual commitment. They take the initiative themselves and are dictating the pace, and actual viability, of their friendships. This often leaves men on the periphery, feeling insecure and vulnerable to being hurt as they can no longer decide on outcomes. Many find themselves as low priority in preference to work, and, robbed of the ability to dictate the course of their friendships, a growing number of them are often reluctant to be involved in the first place. Men are not quite sure what women are seeking from them in this modern era, yet are also scared of not matching up to the ideal expected.

Thirdly, what scares men the most about successful women is that they can no longer impress those women. What makes a man are his trappings of success, the possessions he believes he has worked hard for and acquired, like his house, his car and his status. Of course, successful women now have their own houses, cars and work titles. They do not need anything a man can offer except his presence. Men feel at sea without being able to woo women in their own ways, to be the protector/provider, and impress them. Most of all they feel truly scared by the thought of not being wanted, valued and appreciated for who they are and wish to be.

Finally, many men dislike being upstaged by a woman. They want to earn more than women, be thought of as more intelligent and more appealing. To have to compete with a very successful woman, especially as a potential partner, is very difficult for some men to accept, especially those of low confidence and esteem, and who might have sexist notions of where a woman's place should be. It's fascinating how many men on dating sites put that they would like an intelligent woman as a partner but 'not too intelligent'! It seems as long as the successful woman takes a secondary role to those men, that should make them feel in control.

Many men now feel a sense of frustration, especially if their main desire is to please a woman. Just how do you please a successful woman, when there is nothing you have that she might want, when she is independent, responsible and perhaps knows even more than you do? A big question for men which is bound to lead to fear, bewilderment and a feeling of impotence - in every sense!






Why Modern Man is Getting Scared of Modern Woman

 


Society has favoured men because it was, and still is to a commercial extent, a man's world where everyone knew his/her place. The majority of women stayed home, they did not work outside, they had to be looked after financially by their partners and the roles were clearly defined.

Man was the boss, the head, the lynchpin of the home, the protector and master of all he surveyed. He went to work and brought home the bacon, while woman simply cooked the bacon for all to eat. Nothing could be simpler and more precise. Woman played a supporting role, no matter how much she was mistress of the home itself. A man was eligible if he had a home, job, money, and all the material things he could provide a family. If he lacked them, then he had to at least demonstrate the 'potential' to get them.

Men did the proposing and, even at the disco, men decided their dancing partners. If you were not pretty enough to attract the right attention, you ended up being the proverbial wallflower. In many ways, men could pick and choose because, should they not fancy someone to date, she was likely to be 'left on the shelf' and regarded as an 'old maid' or 'spinster' later on. Worse still, virgins were the order of the day. So you were considered a slag if you were not a virgin before marriage, while men had the right to sow their wild oats where they pleased. Once women left home they went straight to another man's house or remained with their parents, or single forever. There was hardly an in-between status.

Up to the middle of the 20th century, very few women were educated to intellectually high levels, even though many would have been much brighter than their partners. They remained passively in the background, encouraging their menfolk to shine. Men also had an unwritten right to beat their women, even to death many times, and used as much violence as they liked because that was expected of him. Police would 'not interfere' in domestic conflicts. This left vulnerable, weak women at the mercy of their partners. Many women had to ask permission to do the simplest things, like even visiting their relatives or friends and many controlling men took charge of their family's lives in very harsh and repressive ways.


New Freedoms for Women
Gradually women have been gaining parity with men over the the last 40 years and have taken charge of their own lives. They no longer depend on men to dictate their direction and are enjoying the new freedoms such parity brings. In the process, men have begun to feel very insecure and wary of women. With their own jobs, their own money, their own house and the desire to remain single until they choose, or forever, women have moved the goal posts, changed the relationship culture and relegated men to a different level of uncertainty.

Men have lost the protocol of how to woo modern women because they feel inadequate to compete to get them. What exactly do they use? Many women might say that character, love, values etc are tops for them now, but a lot of men are not schooled in the art of 'loving' or being 'compassionate' and 'warm'. Men know how to be protective, to be a macho MAN, in particular, but such attributes are rapidly going out of fashion. Furthermore, they cannot get too close to women anymore to get to know them because of the danger of their motives being misinterpreted or they are accused of harassment. Worst still, even their sperm for reproduction is now expendable.

In every way, men are slowly losing out in the wooing stakes. After all, if you already have your own material desires, nothing a man has in that respect would then be appealing. Second, if you are not interested in money because you have your own, then a man's cash would offer very little appeal either. Third, today's woman has little desire to be protected or to become someone else's 'possession' and are resisting that strongly. Many women take pride in doing everything for themselves so have little need for 'gentlemen' to pamper or looking after their them.


More Qualifications
Finally, lots of men would like someone 'intelligent' but many also add that they should not be 'too intellectual'. They feel inadequate squaring up to an intellectual female because women used to be seen and not heard. They really cannot handle the woman who thinks too much. Yet, tons of women are moving into higher education and getting professional qualifications in order to choose their own career direction, so they would want to use the intellectual clout this would give them. Women have even been accused of playing men at their own game with one night stands, so even sex is being controlled to a greater extent by women.

Older men, in particular those over 50, are finding this new world very difficult to deal with. Having been brought up to be 'gentlemen' in a world which is gradually rejecting such gentlemen, they feel useless and undervalued. Their definition of a 'lady' shares very little with that of current ladies and many men find themselves at sea without a paddle when looking for a new mate. In fact, many of them complain of the 'brashness' of modern ladies who are not afraid to ask for what they want and don't even wait to be given it. Many of these men cannot deal with the women's approach to sex, especially when as the dominant gender, men used to lead on things sexual.

The result of the changing approaches to each other is a mismatch of expectations and ideals in a world in transition. It means that mindsets have to change on all fronts to appreciate what the different genders seek. Women have to learn to allow men to be men, in their own way, which does not conflict too much with what women desire, and men have to learn new ways of dealing with women, to learn what is now attractive to women and how they can meet in the middle. The old approach just won't work anymore with most women and an increasing number of men.

So, not really a good time to be a man, I guess. Many must be asking themselves, just how do you impress someone with your car, your house, your money and your job, if they are already well impressed with their own??