A relationship in trouble is often not addressed by the two people involved perhaps because they prefer to be in denial about it, or they might feel something is wrong but are not quite sure what it is. They might also fear the consequences of what could happen if they actually face those problems early on and so choose to do nothing, and things merely get worse. But the signs that a relationship is in trouble are always there, revealing themselves in the shape of five main factors.

1. The couple has long since taken each other for granted. Acts of loving and giving are likely to have faded leaving very little in their place except needy companionship. Both parties might feel resentful of the situation, but they probably only complain, or are silent about it, or take it out on each other in mean little acts of disrespect. But the emphasis here is on a loss of mutual respect as they lose the capacity to appreciate each other. They gradually become two strangers living in the same house through expediency and familiarity and because of the neglectful way they come to treat each other.

2. Communication lessens. People tend not to communicate when a relationship is hitting the buffers because communication is often used as criticism instead of reinforcement. They find it hard to express what is really affecting them and so certain subject areas become taboo and they often seek friends or others outside the relationship to confide in instead. Conversation soon becomes mechanical, predictable and functional, because the joy of communicating has gone and real communication, which would reveal true feelings, or expose resentment and anger, is avoided as often as possible.

3. Shared activities begin to decrease. In troubled relationships, people often retreat into their own world because there is little joy in doing things together. The attraction would have gone entirely, or dramatically lessened, and with it would go the desire to do anything with that person because of the negative feelings which are developing between them. This is a time when a spouse might take up going to the pub/club a lot and leaving the wife on her own, or she might wish to be with friends at every opportunity, having lost the desire to even share a holiday with her spouse. They gradually prefer to do things by themselves. Altogether, they begin to become single people in their actions without even realising it.

4. Sex gradually becomes non-existent or perfunctory. Often sex might be the only thing connecting the couple still, as the genuine love, care and attention, would be on the slide. But soon the sex will disappear too, with one or both parties beginning to feel lonely, rejected and unwanted, regardless of what the other might do or say. Often it is the physical side of the relationship which reveals the problems first. People who are feeling resentful of each other seldom wish to even embrace or affirm each other, because the increasing resentment would be too much, and so there is a lot of loneliness where people should be feeling appreciated and loved.

5. Emotional connection is eroded. Attraction, affection, affirmation and reinforcement all drive the emotional connections in couples. When a relationships starts to go downhill, emotions are usually high but in a negative way, because the couple begins the switching-off process from each other in a resentful manner. Their emotions are disturbed, having turned from positive to negative. It is difficult to affirm or reinforce partners who have little attraction for us, or who do not validate us in turn. Gradually the affection between couples goes too because of the low emotional connection between them.

Relationships have to be worked at from the first day in order to be successful, but many people mistakenly believe that once they set up home with someone, that's it. They've got them in the bag, their work is done; no more need to impress and nothing more to do to keep their partner. That is sad because the less we put into any relationship, like everything else in life, the less we will actually receive in return and we ultimately lose what we value through neglect.

Q. I have just found out that my boyfriend (now ex!) has been cheating on me with a friend. This bastard, who wasted a year of my life, has agreed to finish it. I am so upset I have asked all my friends to diss him. (CH)

A. Can I ask you a special favour, CH? Don't go there! Please.

Blubbering, accusing, stalking and condemning will only vindicate why you were dumped. The only way to take revenge in such situations is to rise above it quickly and show the real love and respect he seems to be lacking. You were very happy in those 12 months and that's what you should focus on. People come into our lives for one of 4 reasons, only one of them permanent. But we burden every meeting with expectations of permanence and when that doesn't happen, we get angry and disappointed. We feel undervalued and used.

But that person has done their job and left. We should learn from it and move on, knowing someone even better is likely to be in the wings; not wallow in its negativity. You should not vilify others just because it has not worked out. That's immature. It only says more about you and your need to control than the other person. Often when we are hurt, we immediately forget what that person gave us or what they contributed to our lives. We focus just on the awful bits and seek revenge.

But what you should keep your eye on is this:

Just because he likes someone else doesn't make you any less appealing or wonderful. There will ALWAYS be someone else who appreciates you. He came into your life at a point when you needed him. He was there for you for 12 months of joy until you found out about him. You both decided to let it lie. Don't put him down now, otherwise, you also put yourself down in the process and that is not very attractive. Be generous and better than he was by thanking him for being there for you, while adding that you feel sad that he was not more honest. Tell him that you accept that, obviously, his standards are lower than you thought, which would make him incompatible with you, but that's life. He has only betrayed himself and his values, not yours. He merely disappointed your expectations. In this way, you also keep your dignity and respect.

Any relationship is an agreed acceptance that two strangers are TRYING to make it work between them, especially when they are likely to be very different personality and aspirations. By acknowledging the TRYING aspect, both parties also accept that the partnership might carry on forever, or it might break down tomorrow, but the element of a conclusion is ever present. It isn't removed just because one party wishes for something else to happen. So, best to just to enjoy every moment with few expectations and then be surprised, rather than expect permanence and be severely disappointed. Despite how rejected you might be feeling, you must try to be positive and resist the temptation to be vindictive because EVERYTHING we give out in life comes back to us in the future, as night follows day. If you carry on railing against him because of his actions, someone will come into your life later who will treat you even worse. It is called the Law of Attraction. You cannot attract positive people if you spend your time being negative. Your negative vibes will continue to keep good people away.

CH, it takes two for a relationship and each person has to be who they are. People cannot be who you want them to be. Just because he has violated your expectations does not make him any less of a person in deserving of some dignity. When we take up animosity against another it simply drags us down too, reduces our credibility and makes us no better than that person. He also did not waste any time in your life. You had the choice to move away from him at any point. You didn't, because you liked him too and what you were getting, so his love would have changed you in some way for the better.

What many people fail to realise with relationships is that life is a journey and every person we meet is designed to propel us forward on that journey to the next station, to fulfil our potential and aspirations in various ways. Very few are there to accompany us all the way. We LEARN through those relationships and there is ALWAYS a good reason why they don't last. We simply have to move on quickly to get what's waiting for us. If we learn from our mistakes, the new relationship is usually better because we are more experienced to know how to deal with it. It is always difficult to recover from betrayal. But if we keep an eye on the positive things we have, we move on much quicker instead of allowing our lives to be eaten up and destroyed by anger.

There are always two sides to a story, CH, and your friends are only hearing your side. It is very important that this side is seen to be fair. You seem a really intelligent woman, who lacks self-esteem and confidence just now. Please use that talent positively and you will rise above insecure guys like that. Give thanks for his attention, wallow in the negativity for just ONE day or one week, no more, wish him well and move on. You will be all the better for it. Better still, you will attract the kind of person you seek as you won't be tempted to bore them silly about your last bad experience.

True love is unconditional. It accepts that person as is, not as we wish them to be. Give thanks for someone coming into your life to love you. Many people will never have that opportunity. However, if he is clearly not the right type for you because of his behaviour, then you are better off without him. Try to focus on the future now and leave him firmly in your past. You have done your bit for his journey and now deserve much better.

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Only once. If you keep forgiving that person, respect for you will gradually go as they repeat the betrayal for good measure. You then become a 'soft touch' or doormat while the person pleases him/herself.

The reason why cheating spouses deserve forgiveness at least once is because no one leaves a fulfilling and satisfactory relationship to seek happiness elsewhere. Something is missing from that home, more likely communication, sex, attention, appreciation, affection or simply being heard. Often wives do not want to address the issue, pretending there isn't a problem and the man is simply being unreasonable. Instead, they are likely to put all the blame, hurt or pain squarely on the the cheating partners while continuing in the same vein. Of course, nothing gets any better while the resentment and mistrust get worse.

The problem with many relationships is that women tend to cope differently with problems than men. Most women would prefer to discuss it or sulk etc., until it is sorted or addressed. Many men genuinely believe that if they are unhappy, they should bear it quietly or seek solace outside. In that way 'no one gets hurt', especially as they believe they won't be found out. Except, of course, that they are found out in many instances and then things get even worse. The simple reason is that any kind of remedial action we take makes us feel better and act differently, which then makes it easier to detect!

Everyone is entitled to one mistake or negative action. However, repeated behaviour by one party which clearly hurts the other, means there is a basic lack of respect for the spouse. Forgiving an act which is hurtful only to have it repeated clearly demonstrates that the situation will never get any better, that the person prefers to apologise than to change behaviour. Most important, we never get change by trying to change others. Change comes only from changing ourselves!

That's why once is clearly enough. If a person is truly penitent, and their needs are also addressed, instead of the situation being glossed over or ignored, they won't repeat their actions again. As to forgiveness itself, one should forgive every time simply because we free ourselves too with the act of forgiving. But NOT continually in the same situation, otherwise forgiveness gradually takes the place of addressing the misdemeanor which will merely be repeated. The best thing to do is to leave him/her because constant betrayal also makes the wronged spouse feel rejected, inadequate, low in self-esteem, neglected and unloved...and that's not a very nice or uplifting feeling to live with on a daily basis.

Q. My hubby works crazy hours and I'm really understanding as he pays all my bills, but Im tired of this crap, let me tell you. Today he's got a meeting every Wednesday at 3.30pm. He texts me at like 5pm to say he's almost done and his cell is dying but he will be home soon........well you guessed it: 9.30pm and still no sign of him. Well I worry, so I call his work. They say 'oh he's just left'. Well why didn't he pick up a dang phone and call me? He calls like 9.35 and says 'I'm well on my way', and guess what? His cell phone's not so dead after all. We have a baby on the way and its gonna need his father, so how do I talk to him without it sounding as mad as I feel?

A. You might really hate me for saying this, but I do think he's having an affair. The statistics, sadly, also speak for themselves: most affairs occur when the partner is pregnant. The pattern you describe is too regular and distinct. 



How do you know that he has not told someone to tell you that he has just left?

How do you know that the time is not actually being spent with someone at the office? How do you know that he is actually in the building when he calls you at 5pm? As you rightly say, if his cell phone is dying, what happens to all the other office phones? Why can't he call you on any of them and reassure you in some way? It sounds like someone told him you called, and so he left immediately. It seems as though he has primed someone at the office to reassure you.



His actions point to a particular activity between those hours which he does not wish to be interrupted in, hence his cell phone going out of use on those occasions, regularly. And it is the regularity that is troubling. I think there are loads of questions that need answering here and sometimes, when we are afraid of the answers, we are also afraid to ask the questions, or to see that other things we dread could be the cause. Pregnancy is never an easy time for anyone so, I believe that for your own peace of mind, there is something you need to do, and soon. 



The next time he calls you and tells you the same story about his phone etc., accept it. Then about two hours afterwards, invent a reason and go to his workplace. Say something like you being in a tight spot and just wanted his reassurance and couldn't wait until he got home. Then you will see if he is really there or not. If he is there, you might be able to discover where he is exactly in the building or why it seems to follow such a pattern all the time. Working overtime seldom follows such rigid patterns like 5-9.30pm, unless it is regular agreed work times. So that would bother me greatly. 



Something doesn't seem right here. No doubt you do trust him very much. The real question is now: Is he still deserving of that 

How often do we see requests for friendship, or for lovers, in various advertisements, with the added desire that 'no one should get hurt'. This mainly applies to men seeking temporary solace from their negative home situations who either lack the courage to address their problems and face the issues squarely, or wish to have their cake and eat it. In their eyes, they are free to do what they can to remedy their situation ‘as long as no one gets hurt’.

Often, people seek eternal liaisons with the misplaced belief that breaking up the union would harm everyone, except themselves, it seems, and they have to protect that by pleasing themselves instead. After all, they are the only ones who benefit from such a situation. But ignoring problems at home, which is the most important part of our lives, only makes the quality of our existence much worse. The answer to our problems is never outside. We merely take our needs elsewhere instead of seeing how it could be addressed internally through discussion, compromise and change.

The main problem with this approach is that, the minute the affair begins, the hurt is already there through the absence of trust and the deliberate betrayal of the other party. The lovers might not ever be found out, but the feelings we have for another do affect what is going on at home for that particular time. We either become more detached from our partners, less appreciative and less caring, or we become more affectionate to compensate for the guilt associated with our outside activities. As soon as this new attention stops, there are also likely to be changes inside the home, and often for the worse, so that we continue to seek outside gratification to compensate, or the relationship deteriorates altogether.

Worse still, relationships seldom recover from external affairs which are discovered because trust is essentially destroyed. This leads to insecurity, resentment and continuous feelings of being unappealing and rejected by the offended party, along with a lot of guilt and negative feelings by the offender. The couple will limp along with the open secret between them, especially where one party is passive and accepts the situation, with or without conditions. But the offender will seldom change, unless he/she stands to lose a lot. This guarantees a repetition along with a gradual decline in the quality of the interaction and the feelings between them.

Once someone embarks on an affair, everyone gets hurt, even if it is not found out, because the quality of both the relationship and the feelings of the parties involved is affected, usually negatively. It keeps the party at home feeling neglected and unwanted, the one in the affair feeling guilty and the external party either feeling used in the end or with raised expectations of something more. Worse still, it never resolves the real issues and, if anything, is most likely to lead to the relationship disintegrating altogether.

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Q. Early this morning my neighbor, who is almost a sister to me, came to me devastated and crying. Last night, she caught her husband on the phone to his mistress. My neighbor was unaware of all this so she has been deeply hurt and inconsolable. They have a business and it is not going so well. The wife is a very industrious woman who takes care of almost everything to the point of having no more time for herself. She now wants to separate from her husband. I told her to relax and give time for herself to think things over before making a decision. I also am not sure of what advice to give and I believe your thoughts will be of great help. Thanks!

A. It must have been pretty devastating for your neighbour, especially when it is unexpected, as all the trust goes out the window immediately. However, you did the right thing asking her to think a little bit before she does anything dramatic. There are several reasons for this.

First, when someone strays it is likely that there is something wrong in the home or relationship; perhaps issues that are not being addressed; things people feel afraid to talk about; a sex life that is unsatisfactory or non existent, or just a simple but crucial need for attention, affection and love. It is very easy for one partner to get wrapped up in the home, the business or themself and ignore the other person, a kind of unintentional neglect. So blame for any straying can never be placed just at the door of a cheater unless he/she is a serial player. There would be a definite trigger why the person behaves like that.

Second, communicating with one's partner is the most important thing, no matter how bad things are. Seeing the other person's point of view, while having your own views heard and acknowledged, are very important. By just having knee-jerk reactions, the communication is lost and nothing much is achieved except hurt, pain, blame and a lost partnership. For example, if the business isn't going so well, that can spell doom for a relationship because money worries are constantly associated with the household. It then makes someone else more attractive who is sympathetic and can relieve the stress!

Third, if the parties do care about each other they will care about sorting out the issues and restoring that trust. Sometimes people have extra-marital affairs just to get attention because they feel neglected. Issues need sorting in order to have greater understanding of mutual needs, not just blaming between the couple.

Finally, taking some time out first to think after the initial shock also allows the other party to reflect on the seriousness of what he has done, the pain and the hurt caused and also creates a better atmosphere for discussion or taking any appropriate decisions. For example, moving into a spare room for a couple of weeks to get a perspective is far more advisable than just throwing out the spouse. It also allows for a period of calm and reflection by both sides. She appears independent and would be able to cope on her own if they split, but she has to be sure that is what she wants.

This won't be an easy time, especially as partners tend to focus on the third party instead of themselves, but if they are truly honest and look into their lives, what might be missing in the relationship, and are prepared to forgive without too much blame they could work it out and come away much richer for it. But it won't be an easy time just now when scapegoats are much easier to find than finding solutions.

I posted an article recently on whether cheating spouses should be forgiven and the avalanche of outpouring emotions on it set my mind exploring the subject further. It is clear that a lot of people have been affected by cheating in one way or another. Cheating has left much heartbreak in its wake, lots of bewilderment and incomprehension and, of course, an awful lot of resentment and bitterness. But if we stop focusing on the actual act of cheating and look to the main reasons behind it, it would make better sense to us and make us more aware of how we could stem it.

Forget everything else in a relationship: the vows, the commitment, the love, etc.. There are two stark reasons why people cheat on every single occasion and one of them is like the invisible time bomb waiting to happen.

1. Human beings do not stand still, otherwise we would not develop emotionally or physically. We all evolve from one position in our lives to another. Evolution is inevitable, but also invisible, so it is seldom noticed.

2. Humans desire ATTENTION, SIGNIFICANCE and VALUE; someone to make them feel like a king or queen, which they are NOT getting at home, for whatever reason.

First, very few couples take human evolution into account when they take vows or settle down together. They believe that the person making the vows will be able to keep them forever because they will be the SAME person 10 or 20 years down the line. But nothing could be further from the truth. If we did not change, we would be the same person at 45 as we are at 25 with the same looks, aspirations and behaviour. If we were also meant to behave at 50 the way we were at 30, we would remain stuck in our tracks in a time warp. Natural evolution ensures that we are always growing, always thinking new thoughts to aid our development and realise our potential and ALWAYS experimenting to feed a need within us for continuous change and growth. It means that if our partner has not evolved in the same way, if he/she has not kept up with us so that we can relate to them comfortably and lovingly, we will look elsewhere for that affirmation of our new status and new meeting of minds, no natter what vows were made on the big day!

Scientists have proven that our bodies change physically in their cells every 11 months. It means that we are a new person almost every year! Five or 10 years of change would result in almost two strangers living together, especially if the mindsets no longer align with each other. The real wonder is that far more people don't cheat, but many couples choose to live lives of quiet desperation, sexless and loveless, resigned to their increasingly emotionally arid state, rather than to rock the boat or start again. In this way which is dominated by fear they are tied to age-old vows which have long lost their meaning and relevance. The people who took them then would be behaving very differently from when the vows were taken, yet still expect solid adherence to them. Hence when the cheating happens it normally comes as a shock because one partner is likely to be more in the past than in the present.

The need for Attention

Second, people rarely cheat because they want sex. That's what victims of cheating prefer to believe of their spouses to make themselves feel better. Cheating can begin with one simple sentence: "What a lovely dress you're wearing today!" or "You like football too? So do I but my partner hates it." What those statements reveal is the underlying ATTENTION people crave and have stopped getting and the SHARING they need but are deprived of. Many spouses are mean with praise, mean with appreciation, don't give gifts, don't take their partners out at all, don't share much together, don't play games, don't bring flowers, don't tell the man how gorgeous and appreciated he is, for example, because making money soon becomes more important than making love. Many are hardly ever romantic and simply take their partner for granted. They get into a rut of living soon after they settle down, which emphasises security and companionship more than affirmation and love, until someone else comes on the scene.

In these days of breaking relationships, perhaps we need a new approach to commitment to take account of our evolving process. Vows that only last three years and are renewed frequently might be a good idea. That would concentrate the mind wonderfully, because both parties would probably make a bigger effort to appreciate and value each other, especially if one fears that the other might not renew at the end of the three years!

We can call cheaters cowards, lacking in integrity, spineless, or whatever we like. It won't remove the underlying REASONS why people cheat, neither will it stop the cheating either until people take a good, hard look at their relationships regularly, stop the blaming and treat each other with the attention, appreciation and value they both secretly desire.

By the way, 78 people took the poll on the last article so far and, at either extreme, 32% of voters (22 people) said they would never forgive while 22% (15) said they would forgive over and over: "as many times as I feel they deserve". Both extremes are inappropriate in a relationship. One stance is too inflexible, given our evolution, and the other is too accepting, which denotes low self esteem and a desire to please at any emotional cost. Life is full of grey areas and twists and turns, therefore being firm but flexible in one's actions and intentions is always the best way to be.

Q. My husband brings a woman to the house and introduces her to me as his friend. Now they are together. What can I do? Should I ask the friend about it? When we are at church she goes and gets him tea and if she is going to the shop he sits and waits for her. He even allows her to sit in the front of the car while me as is wife have to drive in the back. Should I confront her about it?

A. It must be a very painful time for you, having a woman in your life who is clearly being treated as a greater priority than you are. But do not confront her at all. That would not be wise. Instead, you should do two things immediately:

1. You tell her not to return to your house until you have talked with your husband.

2. Then you ask him for an explanation: of exactly where this woman fits into your lives. She did not take vows of loyalty and commitment, you both did, and that must be worth something still. You can also add that it will be either you or her if he hasn't got an answer.

You must be feeling really bad and excluded just now. Your husband is taking advantage of you and is treating you with a gross lack of respect. Yet at the heart of love is respect and when that goes, there is no love. However, this is not just his fault, it is yours too. You are probably putting up with unacceptable behaviour already because you believe you cannot do without him, or you fear the consequences of any action you might take. So he will keep pushing the boundaries of your patience and tolerance until you are completely edged out of that marriage.

Time for you to stop being a doormat and being passive and stand up for yourself, otherwise fear will leave you with nothing. Do not ask him to do anything. Make up three or four ultimatums and TELL him you need them to be done, otherwise you will have to leave him because he has no respect for your feelings. Even if it doesn't come to that, you would have asserted your rights as a wife. Remember that no one can treat you better than you treat yourself, and if you are taking anything he hands down, you have no respect for yourself either. If you do not react, the situation will simply get worse. By pretending she is your friend too, he validates his relationship with her and has no guilt. Worse still, he will use your 'friendship' with her to overstep the boundaries. Time to do something before you are completely replaced by someone else.

However, from another angle, it seems this lady has something to offer him which you are not giving him just now and you probably need to listen to his explanation of why he is behaving that way and find out what it is. He probably feels neglected, unloved or unwanted in attention - or simply feeling bored with the relationship - and is making up for it elsewhere. Are you the type that may be set in your ways and don't do certain things? Or is he the controlling type who feels the need to dominate women in some way?

Time for some self examination and radical action from both of you. If you do nothing, you will have a very painful and insecure time ahead of you watching this woman taking his attention and goodness knows what else. Good luck with that courage as it cannot be easy being the insensitive pastor's wife at this time.

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Emotional infidelity begins with neglect which itself stems from a lack of appreciation and valueE. In short, it arises from a deep emotional need within us when our feelings are unfulilled and when one's emotional health is low, especially through lack of ATTENTION.

People fall in love, become starry eyed at the prospect, ignore the warning signs of incompatibility at the beginning of the friendship then slowly repent their choice when things begin to go pear-shaped later on. Emotional infidelity often becomes a substitute for what is missing in a partnership but, given the right opportunity and circumstances, it can be physically realised.

In any relationship, everyone wants to be treated with love and respect, to be valued and desired. When that does not happen, a feeling of isolation and rejection takes its place. For some reason, perhaps because of the need for security, once people become settled with each other, they tend to take each other for granted. The little things they used to do for one another, the loving acts they delighted in during courtship, the obvious value they placed on each other, tend to take a back seat while partners become weighed down with domestic and career responsibilities. It is not too long before one or both parties begin to feel lonely, left out or unappreciated. In such a case, affection and sex are usually the main things which gradually disappear. If not addressed, it eventually turns into neglect and acute loneliness - and the worst form of loneliness is one which is shared with a partner.

Unappreciation and Neglect

When someone feels neglected it leads to unfulfilled yearnings, particularly around what is absent from their lives. It isn't long before the person, male or female, begins to yearn for what is possible. It might start from admiring a celebrity in an appreciative way, then switches to more realistic targets like a neighbour, a work colleague, someone online, a friend or a complete stranger. For people closer to home, it might begin with just talking, bantering, making jokes or sharing life circumstance. It is not long before they will also be sharing the problems in their lives and offering emotional support to each other.

Sooner or later, there is likely to be either quiet or expressed desires around that person, wishing to be with them, to be loved by them and to be close to them. The main difference with emotional infidelity and physical infidelity is that most times the party doesn't want to leave their spouse, to cause any hurt to them or to break up their family for the object of their affections. They just love the warm feelings, the attention, in particular, and the feeling of appreciation and value they get from that friend or stranger.

One might never physically meet the object of that desire, but the mere thought of dreaming about what is possible with them, affectionately and sexually, and imagining warm thoughts of value around them begin the emotional infidelity process. This can often lead to the real thing if what is lacking in that person's life is not admitted, discussed or addressed at all.

There is a mistaken belief that emotional infidelity is 'harmless' and doesn't really matter in the life of a couple; that it is mainly fantasy and only occurs in one's head. It's nothing like the real thing. However, that is not true. Emotional infidelity is usually the beginning of the physical thing, the precursor to it. It simply needs the feelings to get worse, the object of desire to be accessible and the opportunity to bring it to life. The rest is often inevitable.

Q. If you are either married or in a serious relationship, would you consider it to be cheating if your spouse or significant other was engaging in an online relationship with someone else? This would include chatting, online sex, etc. Would you feel as if you had been betrayed? I mean let's face it, nowadays this stuff is everywhere on the Internet.

A. Personally, I believe any kind of online relationship, no matter how platonic, should be regarded as cheating, especially if the other party is not aware of it. Many people are tempted to believe that because they might never meet the online date, or they are not being intimate, that does not count as cheating, but the intent to deceive has three distinct parts.

First, there is INTENTION. The minute we have the intention to seek out someone else behind our partner's back and talk to them on our own, we have an intention which is not in the other party's interest or for the wellbeing of the relationship. It doesn't matter if we haven't acted on it yet, we still intend to deceive, for whatever reason, one that will benefit only us and no one else. Otherwise we would involve our partners in it.

Second, is the DECISION. From simple intention follows the decision to either leave it as a thought or carry it out. In most cases it soon becomes a fact because of the ease of finding willing parties to engage in illicit liaisons, the total anonymity of such connections and the discreet way they can be maintained without partners finding out. Once a decision is taken to proceed, that is the most dangerous time because of the potential for damage to the current relationship. The die is cast and the next stage has to follow.

Third, is ACTION. Once that decision has been made, action follows swiftly. It really doesn't matter the nature of the action, whether sex is involved or not, it is likely to lead to intimacy, especially where the parties have that as an objective. Whether the two people ever meet is beside the point, there is some cheating taking place.

Often many people believe that so long as there is no physicality in it, then they are having 'harmless fun'. But there is nothing harmless about dallying with a potential date because either party can progress that liaison depending on their objective. A person would be kidding themself if they say they are happy yet are still seeking diversions without their partner's knowledge. The key point here is that if someone is really happy at home with what they have they won't care about hooking up with someone else for anything, unless it is a mutual friend they can share with their partner. If that is not the case, they are simply pleasing themselves without any thought for how it might affect their partners, and that has no other name than cheating.

For me, once I have a partner, he comes first. I might have professional friends and colleagues but they would not be hidden from him. The minute I seek someone else for attention and otherwise, no matter how innocent it might seem, I would be crossing a different line which would put the relationship at risk. The bottom line is that any attention given to someone else online is transferring my emotions away from the one I love, not towards them!

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Q. My husband and I had a very serious problem that almost ruined our family. He cheated on me many times and this time I gave up. I returned everything including our wedding ring, packed his clothes and all his belongings. For the first time i said everything I wanted to say. Now for the very first time he asks for my forgiveness.. begs me not to leave him.. What do you think? Do I have to give him another chance? Right this moment I'm having mixed feelings. I still love him but I have had enough pain.

A. In a simple word: NO! Do not doubt your instincts and stand by your decision. The key words here are that he cheated on you 'many times'. If he had done it once or twice, we are all entitled to second chances, even third ones because no one is infallible, or without faults. But this gentleman has cheated several times and you still put up with it, even though it must have been a very painful, lonely and anxious time for you. That reinforced his actions and encouraged him to keep doing it.

Your husband has not treated you with any RESPECT at all, and that is the key part of any relationship. We cannot say that we love someone and don't respect them. That would be shallow and insincere. Once respect goes, it never returns because one party begins to take advantage of the other, which your husband has been doing up to now. If you are not sure you are doing the right thing, always trust your instincts. It is a very powerful silent protector and you are acting according to it now. You have had enough and you are doing what you should have done a long time ago, actually doing something about your life instead of waiting for him to change. Do not let self doubt take you back into the abyss. He is feeling insecure and rejected now, but as soon as he feels comfortable again, and someone else catches his eye, he will be back to square one. Only this time he will probably be even more secretive about it.

It is not the cheating that should really be cause for concern between you both. That is just a major symptom, a sad consequence of the state of your relationship. What needs looking into urgently is what is wrong with your connection that he feels the constant need to cheat. It could be that he has fallen out of love with you, the attraction is no longer there, he is incapable of true commitment or he is simply a user who doesn't care about your feelings. Whatever the reason, it needs to be addressed, not just the cheating, and you need to let go.

You have acted as your head and heart have dictated. Don't go back on it now. Hold your head high and move on with your life. That is the only way you will make yourself available to find someone who truly loves and cares for you. But you won't get that sitting in the same marriage. You will simply get more of the same because he will continue to please himself when the dust has settled. Your pain will simply continue and you will feel even more resentful then when he has broken his promise yet again. I will almost guarantee that!

Nothing changes unless we change ourselves. By sticking with him, you are hoping he will change, but he won't. Change will only come with you. Forgive him by all means, but get a new life for you. It's time you had some real loving too and, above all, regain your self respect, even he has none for you.

Good luck, but you'll be fine if you follow your instincts.

Not at all, assuming we are talking about adult porn which does not involve children. Cheating, in my book, is when one is having some kind of active intimate connection or relationship with someone else that one is in touch with, either sporadically or regularly. The operative phrase is active connection. Looking at pornography is a passive activity. It is not a connection between two specific people. It is more a form of detached personal stimulation, for whatever reason, and is thus not in the same category. Many couples watch porn together for that stimulation, or watch it individually too, and what a couple does in the privacy of their home by mutual consent is their own business.

I can only see a problem if the porn becomes a substitute for a regular sex life, if it is used by one party to judge the other party's intimate performance or it becomes central to that person's life. Then there would be need for some serious discussion between the couple, as to what is missing from their own sex life, or some outside counselling to target any underlying problems. As long as there is regular communication, any dependency on porn would be lessened.

Sex has always been a fascination for mankind and exploitation of it in the form of porn will always be there. Like anything else, as long as it does not become an individual crutch (no pun intended!) and regarded like every other sex aid, I do not see an issue.

But you might have other ideas!

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Q. I watched "Dr. Phil" tv show and they had a very interesting topic about having an affair with an older partner. The most interesting story was of a 38 year old woman and an 18 year old boy who happened to be her son's best friend. They fall in love with each other but, according to Dr. Phil, it is not appropriate. He questioned why the woman allowed that affair to happen which she knew it is wrong. Why is it that the society accepts when an older man fall in love with a young woman who is twice his age while others questioned an older woman when she falls in love with a younger guy. Isn't it unfair?


A. You have hit the nail on the head: the double standards enjoyed by men that appear to be quite proper when they do it but improper when women do the same. Such censure of women is borne out of envy and jealousy at the changing behaviour between the sexes and the growing independence women are now enjoying.

First of all, in this case, both parties are adults. One might be more experienced than the other, but they are both consenting adults in the eyes of the law and that's the key thing which matters: that no law is being broken or any person being taken advantage of. What they do between them is their own business, so long as no one is being harmed. Furthermore, people are aging emotionally at a slower rate such that a 38 year old nowadays is still considered very young in thought and actions compared to someone similar, say, 40 years ago or more. The fact that older people are now sharing the activities and lifestyles of the young is also helping to throw them closer together in routine interactions. It is thus inevitable that there will be far more friendships between the generations than there were before, thanks to social networking sites and new technology.

If the young person is mature enough to deal with such an affair, he/she has to be allowed their free choice in the matter. The world is changing rapidly, the old values are disappearing while new ones take their place, especially regarding personal choices and freedoms. These two adults are free to do what they feel is right for them. Though many people might not regard their relationship as ideal, it is quite likely to be an exploratory phase for the young man, a key stage in his life which helps his own development, especially if it is a very enjoyable encounter. For the woman, it is probably an ego thing, needing to boost her feeling of worth at the thought of being appealing to a teenager, the same as how many men feel with 'trophy' partners on their arm. It boosts their confidence and self-esteem while making them feel more desirable to others.

My thoughts are that this is an 18 year old MAN and a 38 year old woman and they are entitled to make their own choices regarding each other, as they see fit without interference from others. The only inappropriate thing with this case relates to the fact that it is her son's best friend. This will then throw up other issues and spoil the relationship among the three of them. It will certainly become awkward between them, especially for her son. Such an affair should be with a stranger, not someone so close to home, as it will only bring disrespect, resentment and grief in the end.

There are many reasons why spouses might cheat in their marriages. The most common causes are feelings of neglect, a lack of affection, affirmation and love, lack of reinforcement, an absence of trust, unfulfilled expectations, being hurt by a partner's actions, loneliness or simply boredom with the union. So it is difficult to pinpont any one thing that might be laid at the door of a soldier's wife. Her reasons would be like anyone else, except in one major respect: coping daily with the possibility of her husband's death and the long periods alone.

Having been an Airforce wife, and having to cope with my ex-husband's frequent absences, I would think that the main contributing factor for any cheating in this situation, would be the long periods spent away from her spouse. Soldiers' wives do not have a great time of it when their husbands are engaged in battle. Unlike every other wife, they have to live with the constant fact that their husband could be killed on duty and there could be the dreaded knock on the door early morning or late at night. They also have to do without the physical help, emotional support and the loving attention of their loved ones for intermittently long periods. They have to be both mother and father to their children and be strong support for themselves and their kids, without getting such support themselves. Not only does that offer ample opportunities to welcome the attention of others, or to accept light relief from their unrelenting anxiety, but it takes very strong people to carry on normally without such companionship and support, especially where there are children involved.

On top of that, if the marriage is already weak or shaky in any way, being separated from each other would not really help the couple to mend the fences, though time apart might make the hearts grow fonder. It means that someone is more likely to cheat in this scenario because the love and affection aren't strong enough already to encourage the wife to remain faithful or to hold the union together.

People who have their partners snugly beside them every day might be the first to condemn a soldier's wife for cheating. But, unlike that spouse, they are not risking anything, neither do they have to live with the constant worry, and so cannot afford to judge someone in her position. When all is taken into account, a soldier's wife is likely to cheat through sheer loneliness, anxiety and a lack of emotional support and personal reinforcement.

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Often one hears men, particularly celebrities or those in the public eye (British Prime Minister John Major and his mistress Edwina Currie come to mind), when their affairs are outed, bemoaning what a mistake it was (always the men, for this one!) and how mad they must have been to have that affair. But that is such nonsense, when taken with hindsight, as well as being most derogatory and insulting to the women involved. It is a futile exercise comparing feelings across time. No one ever makes a mistake in their choice of partners.Our choices are dictated by that essential moment in time, the way we felt then, even if they are not appropriate now. Regardless of the options we had before us, that final choice was the only one we felt capable of accepting at that single moment, for whatever reason.

We are constantly seeking happiness through personal reinforcement, affirmation, significance and value because our overriding need in life is to be accepted and wanted. Our parents and partners usually provide that for us. When it is missing through a lack of attraction, being taken for granted, being ignored or simply falling out of love, we seek it elsewhere. Our actions are always dictated by one primary factor the way we FEEL at that moment in time. Feelings and emotions control us, even when we are being detached, and that is why, no matter how upright and conservative we are in actions, alcohol releases our inhibitions and the feelings we try to suppress. If we are feeling down, isolated, unloved and excluded we are likely to behave in an entirely different manner, more negative and selfish, than if we feel wanted, uplifted, loved and appreciated. Therefore apologising for behaving badly is pointless because that represents the negative side of our character. We cannot apologise for who we are. The best thing is to learn from it and move on. Otherwise apologies and regrets become substitutes for the continuing bad behaviour. In effect, we can always apologise, which then makes it right!

No affair is ever a mistake because it was the choice of that moment to improve our feelings, whatever they were at the time. What happened then might not be the right thing for now, three or five years on, when times and feelings have progressed, but the decision we make at any point regarding the involvement of others is always the appropriate one for that precise moment because of our evolution. If we could have behaved differently then, we most certainly would have done so, and that is a point worth stressing. Very few people act without reason or need. Regret comes only when our mood and situation have changed, or we lost something valuable in the process, then we use hindsight, and the mood and experience of today, to judge the inadequacy, immaturity or momentary madness of yesterday.

Learning from the Situation
Most importantly, the consequences of the choices we make, whether positive or negative, help to shape our individual development and experience. It is thus pointless living in a land of regret, beating ourselves over the head because of unplanned detours we made in our lives. We cannot make excuses for past action we cannot change, because the very act of behaving in that manner will have actually influenced and shaped the person we have become.

Furthermore, that relationship was probably necessary to get the two parties involved through a difficult period of their life; to reinforce them as valued people and to clarify the issues around them. Having benefited from it and moved on, the relationship cannot then be viewed as a mistake! It was a crucial part of defining the people involved, the situation they were in, the pressing needs they had and where they both wanted to go. If they are not too happy with the outcome, the best they can do is to learn from it and avoid a repetition, but it will still have added to, or even changed, their perspectives on life for the better. The least they would have learned is that an affair is never the answer to resolving a problematic relationship.

No experience in our life is ever wasted and every direction we take is part of our natural development. If you steal as a child because of a dare with friends, or it was easy to do, it is pointless berating yourself for that act 20 years later when you are more mature and knowledgeable about life and when those acts of deviance with your peers helped to reinforce you then and make you into the character you are now. Regrets do nothing but diminsh our esteem and induce self-doubt. However, acknowledging those actions as stages in our evolution and development, and using them as learning tools to improve the quality of our life and interaction with others, will make the biggest difference to our journey.

For most men, sustaining a dream of being rich, successful and untouchable is a natural part of their life, especially from their teenage years. They spend many years trying to climb the greasy pole of success, to make it right to the top, to be the ultimate powerhouse in charge. During that time, everything takes second place to that career. Wives/girlfriends, in particular, become attractive trophies to aid that ambitious journey, or they are the power behind the throne, encouraging their men to great heights while keeping well out of the way. The men often don't mind if the affection is reduced, or the sex is non-existent because work becomes its own substitute, a kind of aphrodisiac that leads them to to the ultimate pinnacle of achievement. Nothing is too good to sacrifice on the altar of ambition, especially in their mid-30s and 40s.

Then they reach where they want to go (late-40s or early 50s), they taste power in all its untrammelled glory, but their youth is no longer there, certain things are sagging and greying, and a huge kind of disillusion takes place. They also realise just how lonely a position it is being at the top, on all fronts. What next? Is this all there is to life, they might wonder. Of course, by this time, many of them have lost their marriages in all but name. The neglect and the ambition would have taken their toll on the partners and relationships are now largely empty and superficial. Loneliness, on both sides is the order of the day, but the material rewards are great and so the couple now stay together to enjoy it while slowly dying inside of them. Except, of course, that the man is now powerful enough to do something about it, to have his cake and eat it, without rocking the boat at home.

In essence, powerful men like Bill Clinton, John Ensign, Mark Sanford and Elliot Spitzer (John Major and John Prescott in Britain) cheat because they come to see it almost as a right. Having the power to do almost everything else, they extend it to affairs. They also have the means and the opportunity to have those liaisons.

Moreover that power is like an aphrodisiac to women too, usually younger women who want that help up the ladder. They need the association to feel like 'somebody', to be desired and wanted and to get their own kind of success. Hence why so many powerful men get involved. They are lonely, they are needy but they are not like ordinary guys out there. The feeling of being able to have virtually any woman, because of who they are, is often too difficult to resist, while the women crave the kudos, significance and benefits that can be had from such a friendship.

The plain fact of men caught in this situation is that the very power and control they gradually acquire soon reveal how unfulfilling their home relationship is, how little they have if they don't have love, especially if the couple has been together a long time and work has been a substitute for affection. Gradually that power person realises that they do need something else in their life and not just work as wives appear boring and sexless. Come the day when desire meets opportunity, the rest is inevitable. That's why there will always be men like this because they hardly ever learn from life!

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