So you see the man/woman you fancy across the room at a party. You edge nervously towards him/her, wanting to make that crucial impression. You finally make the connection between you and you feel really happy. You punch the air with joy. A few weeks .. or even years .. later, everything stops in its tracks and you can't understand it. End of beautiful romance or marriage. And what killed it, you wonder? Aaahh, those expectations. They just did not match up between you.

Expectations are the biggest killers of all relationships, whether new or established, since unrealistic demands and the search for perfection invariably suck the lifeblood out of a connection. Every partnership that breaks down begins its downfall when expectations go unfulfilled, which then causes frustration, resentment, anger and even violence. High expectations and the desire for perfection in our soulmates gradually erode the love and good feelings we initially have. Disappointment creeps in, a re-evaluation takes place that pushes our feelings toward the negative, and respect is gradually lost.

There are two main kinds of expectations: those that seek to change our soulmates into some perfect ideal of the desired person, and those which are impossible to fulfil because they go against our basic values and purpose. They rob of us our freedom, free choice and unique perspectives. Worst of all, they make us feel inadequate and forever below par. Both kinds of expectations are so unrealistic they are hardly ever achieved, and yet people continue to strive in vain, every day, to realise them. Wherever such expectations are fulfilled, there is likely to be a significant element of controlling, browbeating and even bullying. There is also the anxious kind of expectation which fears commitment and assumes everyone is out to trap us into a long-term relationship, or that they should already have been partnering us!

Gender Conflict in Expectations

There is a saying that men marry women hoping they will stay the same forever while women marry men hoping to change them as soon as the ceremony is over! Expectations that involve seeking perfection are particularly soul destroying. The main trouble with wanting perfection in a relationship is that one partner..s idea of perfection will rarely coincide with that of the other, and so the desire to compete for this elusive state inevitably gets out of hand as the resulting expectations gradually damage the relationship. One can see this perfect ideal long before the two people have settled into the relationship .. at the dating stage, in fact.

It rears its ugly head whenever individuals express the desire not to connect with anyone with emotional or other baggage. They want a perfect being without negative feelings, perhaps without any feeling at all, so long as they are happy! But this so-called baggage contains our pain, hurt and essential issues to be resolved. It also contains our resources from which we can learn to rebuild our lives. It is an inevitable process that is crucial to our development and forms the core of who we are. The ideal situation is to carry this baggage in reducing amounts until we learn from it and let it go. But many people pretend they have no 'baggage' at all. They mask it with a lot of 'fun', humour or unforgiving seriousness while they die inside, becoming unfeeling and insensitive robots.

Every part of our experience becomes a kind of baggage that shapes our perception, alters our attitude and is then put aside in our ongoing development. As I said in my other book on relationships, .."To meet someone claiming to be without any baggage is to meet a bland, fearful idiot, unable to cope with his/her emotions or feelings; someone pretending about their life; who is constantly in denial that nothing affects them unduly while denying others the right to their own emotions and feelings. However, it is not the 'baggage' we carry which is the main problem. It is how we handle that 'baggage', what we have in it, and how long we carry it for!"..(Sihera - Money, Sex & Compromise)

Conforming to Expectations

A desire for perfection means we are never happy with ourselves or our partners; never satisfied with our lives or our looks. There is always someone, or something, better just around the corner. When we meet the desired one, they have to conform to our expectations by behaving in a prescribed manner in order to merit our attention and approval. We are not prepared to let that person unfold gradually before us, to just be themselves and surprise us with something different, en route to what might turn out to be the same end. Instead, we have high expectations about how the partner should look (like the age old clich of 'looking sexy in a little black number') and how they should act in public ('mustn't drink beer from pint glasses', or must have the right designer car and clothes) according to our identikits.

What many people don't realise is that, should their soulmate change into the perfect ideal required, they both will be seeking different partners! Think about it carefully. People come together because they are attracted to each other ... AS THEY ARE, not what they hope to be. Change one person to something else and s/he will then be looking for a new partner to match the new characteristics they have acquired. That is why people who are promoted and those who undertake self-development, or higher education courses during their relationships, tend to gravitate towards those in a similar situation, if their spouses haven't kept up with them. Their new status would create new expectations.

Moreover, expectations and the search for perfection tend to blind us the fact that we are far from perfect ourselves. There is a lot we too need to do to become 'perfect' in the eyes of others, like lose that 'beer belly', stop smoking, treat others more sensitively, become more caring etc.. The end result is that we continually circle each other with high expectations, but with no capacity to fulfil them. At the same time we miss many opportunities for greater happiness by just being ourselves and enjoying it.

It is no easy feat putting two strangers in the same space and asking them to become a single couple when they are both complete individuals with their own perceptions, beliefs, identity, aspirations and behaviour patterns. There are bound to be issues between them which will gradually arise as they get used to each other. Throw in the extra problem of a recession where money troubles loom large and relationships become pretty vulnerable.

The top 10 relationship concerns for therapy are the following, in order of their effects:

1. Deprivation and Neglect

Relations are fine at the early days of loving and trying to impress each other but, soon after people marry or settle together, when they feel comfortable, they begin to take each other for granted. It's almost as if once the partner is 'in the bag' the couple doesn't have to try anymore. It's not too long before the relationship loses its attention, affection, love and support.

2. Cheating

These factors are the most common causes of relationships hitting the buffers. Well before any actual cheating takes place, certain things would have already been happening: like jealousy, fear, dishonesty, perhaps from one partner, lack of trust, lack of intimacy between the couple, and feelings of neglect and inadequacy. Any form of cheating strikes at the heart of trust and respect which then has consequences for any future harmony in the relationship.

3. Friends and Family

Where the couple have separate friends or controlling relatives, trouble looms. A fine balance is needed to accommodate the requirements of both sets of families. Additionally, there is the problem with past relationships and persistent 'exes' who refuse to go away. That is always a source of conflict in a relationship, especially where children are involved.

4. Communication

Good communication prevents resentment, anger and frustration gradually building up. When communication goes badly wrong, as in one partner being verbally abusive, engaged in name calling and refusing to listen, or the other party is secretive, introspective or generally uncommunicative, there is often no resolution of routine problems.

5. Scapegoating

Partners tend to blame and criticise instead of being loving and caring. They constantly seek scapegoats for their frustrations or unfulfilled expectations. This often leads to an air of persistent negativity as the positive elements are ignored while the focus is placed on weaknesses and wrongdoings between the couple.

6. Annoying Habits

Interestingly, most annoying habits were not annoying when the couple first met. They might have been seen as 'cute' then, accepted as part of the person and hence the package. However, when these little habits surface in a confined pace and also have new unexpected ones added to them, they often lose their 'cuteness' and become downright irritating, if persistent.

7. Living in the Past

Some people find it hard to get out of the past. They hark back to it at every opportunity, they compare their relationships and their lovers, they continue to bring stuff that happened ages ago, even though they might not be applicable at that time. The past has probably been so painful, it becomes the ongoing focus instead of a learning experience and often kills the joy and potential of the present relationship.

8. Controlling Partner

Some partners are very insecure in themselves. They probably had a past issue with cheating and they use their fear to stifle the other party's actions. Being controlled is not good in a relationship because it stops partners developing their potential, it robs them of personal space and enjoyment, it tempts them to be dishonest and ultimately limits the possibilities between the couple.

9. Different Directions/Goals

Having one's own interests is very important for a healthy relationship. However, once the couple begins to go separate and individual directions, with very different goals most of the time, that's no longer a relationship. It's two people sharing space for convenience and expediency.

10. Dependence/Independence

To be dependent on a partner is often stifling, limiting and can be claustrophobic. Yet to be totally independent can lead to a feeling of being unwanted, loneliness and neglect. Getting the balance right between being still single and being a couple is most important.

No couple has to suffer these issues in silence. By seeking help and support in the form of counselling, or having regular discussion and communication, they can be gradually lessened or overcome.

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Each of us can name key issues in a relationship that are likely to damage it, but all those issues do not suddenly appear from nowhere. They actually dictated by one subtle personal element, in particular. One we are often unaware of: perception.

As human beings, we do more than merely experience our world – we also perceive it, forming opinions about it, then using that perception to define situations and events and also to judge others. To cope with the varying stimuli which bombard us every day, we have to make sense of our world; make inferences and then draw conclusions which are often biased in our favour. They reflect how we have been raised, where we came in our family structure (whether first child or last), what we value in our lives, and what we want to be.

Perception, stereotyping and self-fulfilling prophecies are all powerful forces that affect communication and human relationships in different, often negative, ways. Our interpretation could be wrong but what we perceive is our reality, one that is dictated primarily by our gender, colour and age, regardless of what others may think about it. Most importantly, our feelings and actions grow out of these perceptions to confirm, sustain and reinforce that reality.

That is why it is very difficult to understand the world of someone else if you do not share it. You cannot empathise with their views, which might be meaningless to you. In fact, if you do not appreciate the values and beliefs of others, they have no relevance, they become difficult to deal with and are likely to be perceived as threatening. Only familiarity and knowledge provide meaning, but you would have to share another’s gender, experience or culture to fully appreciate their perspective. Until that time, you will always see life only through your own lens and make judgements from that perspective which might seem illogical, or even irrational, to others who are different.

Different realities
That accounts for the degree of personal conflict we feel relating to difference. We never know how to treat difference and will either try to ignore it (like being ‘colour blind’), level it to being ‘the same’ as our culture or experience, or adopt a superior attitude and treat it negatively. We do not share the same reality with anyone else on earth, even when we are in the same room, the same house and the same relationship. Yet parents, for example, go to lengths to treat their children the same, to dress them the same way and deny their individuality, especially twins. Some twins might look and behave the same in 95 per cent of instances but there is still that five per cent which makes each individual unique and marks them out as special. That unique five per cent needs to be respected.

We think we all see life in a uniform way, and are often impatient or intolerant of those who do not share our personal view of the world. But this approach is very limited and has far-reaching effects, especially in intimate relationships. The differences in outlook make the individual’s perception the most important element between two people. Being governed by confidence and self-esteem, perception can be either positive or negative, pessimistic or optimistic, gloomy or bright. Bearing in mind the two different genders involved in the majority of relationships (which seldom see eye to eye because of their individual make-up), perception is most dangerous to partnership longevity. It not only breeds fear, which shrouds the relationship in negativity, it also controls an invisible element, expectation, which tends to be the silent killer of even the best union

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Once a couple settles into a relationship it is easy to believe that they will both be seeing eye to eye on routine matters, or they hold similar perceptions on life. But this is what damages relationships in the end, the failure to acknowledge the key role perception plays for individuals, especially two strangers, of different genders, who are trying to appreciate one another in a new friendship in a confined space.

Perception emerges as a result of our experiences and learning, a sort of fictional movie of our life, which is more commonly referred to as our ‘reality’,’beliefs’ or ‘values’. These are influenced by the customs or culture of our particular environment so that someone from a Christian community who chooses to live with a Muslim, for example, would find that the perception of individual behaviour, and resulting expectations of each other, would differ until each learns about the other. Initially, while the two parties try to come to terms with each other, it would be almost automatic for each to expect complete conformity to one another’s perception until a shared experience proves otherwise. Because our individual needs greatly determine the view we have of ourselves and the world, our views will always differ from one another.

Thus, if a person is hungry and poor, she is going to regard money in quite a different light from someone else who already has lots of it and uses it mainly for luxuries. The perception in each case regarding the value, usefulness and urgency of money would markedly differ. As the singer, Mick Jagger, once said, “A person who is hungry is not going to worry about the morality of war. They would be too busy trying to get food.”

The capacity to define situations, to communicate, solve problems, make decisions and manage stress is thus affected by our perception. The power of such perception in any relationship, particularly where the partners know very little about each other, often make or break relationships. For example, men who have been wronged, especially those who caught their spouses in an act of betrayal, provide excellent examples of what personal perception is all about.

Men being betrayed
Men who have been betrayed in this way tend to have a singular ‘victim’ viewpoint of what happened. They continually blame the spouse (and later all women) without wanting to really find out why the partner might have behaved like that. They would never admit that they might be boring whingers, who are also lousy with sex or emotion, especially when people tend to seek what they lack elsewhere. They are likely to cite what a wonderful husband they were, who worked all hours in the day to keep their home intact while the hussy of a wife was disloyal.

But to many women, homemaking, no matter how good and luxurious, is just one aspect of a relationship. The physical, emotional and intellectual sides are all important to keep that union intact. Often it is sheer boredom, neglect and a lack of love, attention and affection why any partner strays. As psychologist, Carl Jung, says, “To be appreciated is one of the strongest basic human needs.”When a person is not valued, or perceives herself to be unappreciated, no matter how worthy the partner is, trouble is not far behind.

Men tend to see themselves in terms of career and material success, while women tend to judge their value on emotional, nurturing and physical attributes. So long as men believe that to be a good husband is to provide for material needs – to look after hearth, home and family – while women expect emotional and physical bonding, there will be a conflict of perception between the sexes, there will be hurt through differing perceptions and they will always be at loggerheads about valuing each other.

Some of the saddest relationships are those of couples who have been together a while and most of the chemistry has gone. They are living quiet lives of desperation with one another, perhaps can't even bear to communicate with each other many times, yet having to live in the same house and keep up the pretence because they fear change, fear the consequences and fear starting over.

There is nothing fulfilling about a relationship devoid of attraction. That's simply going through the motions when life is so short. What's 'really important' is up to the couple, and if they have gone off each other and are perhaps looking outside for some 'fun', because the chemistry is gone, then that will inevitably become really important too!

If you are religious, you might think that thinking on God will remedy the problem. But I have known devout people who focus on their God or higher power in their relationships, yet still fall apart from one another. When attraction/chemistry goes, it simply fades and can never be manufactured.

Attraction is not just about physical looks. It also is governed by intellectual and communicative elements and, particularly, emotional alignment. Physicality, though important, is just one part. Most of the people I see and had to advise with are far from contented. They have merely put up with whatever resulted, living very unhappy lives, because they have all kinds of fears around changing their lives.

I would not wish to be with anyone I was not attracted to because the way we come together in the first place is based on attraction. We don't just go with any old person. We select our mates according to their appeal when we first meet them, whatever yardstick we are using. Why should that be any different later down the line?

If you find yourself attracting undesirable or materialistic people, it could be down to your thoughts. Perhaps those who are attracting certain kinds of people are focusing too much themselves on the material aspects of this world, because we usually get what we constantly fear or dwell on! Our thoughts dictate the quality of our lives so if we are constantly dwelling on negativity or the more superficial elements, that is all we are ever going to attract.

Sometime when we meet someone new and we do fancy him, it is very easy to ignore the warning signals and miss the fact that they really don't like us in return. We want the happy ending so much we often miss the alarm bells until it is too late. But it is not difficult to spot when a guy is not into you, if you keep your wits about you, with eyes firmly focused on his actions and the things he's NOT saying or doing. In fact, there are 10 clear signs that he's not into you and they are listed from the most obvious to the least.

1. NO ACTIVE CONNECTION

When a guy has no interest there is hardly any reaction on his part: few phone calls, few dates, no fun time together and no desire to spend too much time with you, except just for sex. If you spend a lot of time wondering why he doesn't call or keep his promises, this is the biggest giveaway as to his real feelings. When a guy likes you, he will want to keep that connection going. If it is not there, neither are you.

2. NO RECIPROCITY

In this case, you will find that you are the one doing most things: making suggestions or asking for the dates and calls. You will be doing the pushing because he won't return it. He will be contented to wait for you to make the move first and will react or reciprocate only if it suits him.

3. HE PREFERS TO BE YOUR 'FRIEND'

He will stress this aspect soon after you meet. "Why can't we be friends?", he might ask. The minute that comes out it means he sees you more like a close buddy or relative than a potential lover or partner. Friendship is more detached than a relationship, easier to control and does not carry too much commitment for anything on either side. That would suit him nicely because he can then keep you at a controllable distance.

4. NO SEX, OR SEX ONLY

A relationship that isn't really going anywhere will have no sex, on one hand, or just sex and little else, on the other, especially when he's drunk or he has no one else to bed. In effect, you are being used when it is handy to do so, but you will be ruthlessly cast aside when someone better comes up and you would be expected to know that the relationship was only a sexual one! In fact, one sure way of know his real feelings is the way he behaves AFTER sex. If he always rushes off elsewhere, or promptly falls asleep, that is giving you a clear answer.

5. HE IS ALWAYS TOO BUSY

This is a dead giveaway because no one is ever too busy to see the person they care about. Once someone is too busy most of the time to see you or call you, he is giving a powerful message of not wishing to make the time to enjoy your company. What he is actually saying is that other things are far more important, and engaging, than trying to find time to interact with you.

6. NO PERSONAL INITIATIVE

They will be reluctant to use their initiative because that will only encourage you more when they are actually trying to keep their distance! Hence everything will be left up to you. As they have little interest in pleasing you or your desires, they prefer to leave it to you to act. In that way, they won't feel any obligation to reciprocate.

7. MISMATCH IN WORDS AND ACTIONS 

When someone is really not into you they are likely to say one thing but do another. That is the time when the signal is clear because interested people will match their words with their actions because their words become their bond. They will be keen to fulfil their promises because they would want to please you. That's how they would get their satisfaction: through your obvious happiness.

8. FREQUENT ABSENCES

When a guy doesn't really want you he will vote with his feet. There will be frequent unexplained absences which he will resent discussing with you as he will believe he is still a free agent and not subject to your scrutiny. If he is spending more time away from you than he spends with you, the writing is already on the wall!

9. MAINLY GIRLFRIENDS

If a guy seems keen to cultivate mainly girls as his 'friends', he is either a player, he has something to prove or he feels more comfortable with girls. You are then likely to be just one of his crowd and nothing special. If he goes to lengths to mention all the other girls he knows, and stresses how he treats you all the same, that's the warning sign for you because he won't be treating you any different.

10. NO COMMITMENT

This is the litmus test but often you have to get to a certain stage to find this out as it does not reveal itself at the beginning, hence why it is last on the list. When we really like someone we are prepared to commit ourselves to that love, whether for a week, a month or a lifetime. When someone resists any form of commitment and seems keen to just let things 'flow' rather than directing them in any meaningful way, that is a sign that he is not into you, he does not value you as you might value him and does not want a long term relationship with you.

Oprah Winfrey once said, "If a guy wants you, nothing will keep him away, and if he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay." It's excellent advice to be borne in mind with any new relationship because you will be able to spot all the signs that might be keeping him away at the outset rather than discovering them the hard, painful way further down the line.

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One of the biggest causes of breakdowns in relationships is simple neglect of a partner once children appear on the scene. No attention, no affection and, worst of all, no sex, as spouses become lost in the routine and minutiae of child rearing, forgetting how those children came about in the first place! This unwitting form of rejection, especially in the early years of marriage, is perpetuated in many homes and often sets the seal for trouble ahead.

New additions to families have the knack of grabbing all the attention. Daily, many mums strive to accommodate this sudden, pervasive and persistent demand on their time, often in an unnecessarily guarded and protective manner, that gradually excludes their spouses. Invariably, it is men who lose out at this time. Some do not take such exclusion lightly, often feeling jealous of the new rival, but not quite sure how to react in these sensitive and uncharted waters. When the demands of the child constantly interfere with the normal togetherness and intimacy the couple enjoys, it is difficult to maintain a positive, romantic or even sympathetic perspective. Inexperienced, anxious mothers are primarily concerned about their new and vulnerable charges, while excluded fathers are reduced to the role of helpless bystanders, often withdrawing emotionally from the situation while constantly fretting on the quiet. It won't be long before they look elsewhere for comfort and affirmation, judging by the disproportionate number of divorces in the UK which involve young children under 11 years old (65% of all UK divorces in 2007 – 25% with children under 5!).

Two individuals trying to live harmoniously together is no easy feat and sometimes we unwittingly set a train of action into motion, blissfully unaware of the consequences until it flattens us to a pulp. Like this routine-looking scene in my local park one Sunday that masked many anxieties. Running noisily around a park bench was an animated group of children, with a male and female guardian in their thirties. Three very lively youngsters buzzed around the woman, competing with one another for her attention. Seemingly concerned, she sat very still, holding on tightly to the youngest child, cradling his head against her warm body as if she could not bear to let him go. With her head bowed in a sort of reverie, she seemed oblivious to the merrymaking and intermittent noise around her, and was equally oblivious to someone else standing in front of her.

Signs of Frustration 

A man of similar age, rather windswept and miserable, looked down at her longingly. Sporadically, he looked away at the people around him and back to his companion in a cycle of futile expectation. Her lack of response unnerved him. He seemed trapped by the situation, in which he was expected to give attention to children wrapped up in their own game while feeling decidedly excluded himself. Perhaps he was her lover, or her husband. Either way, these simple signs of frustration pointed to a relationship heading for trouble.

The haunting look in his eyes as he tried to appear nonchalant, when he clearly wanted her attention, and perhaps a cuddle too, was not difficult to see. He scoured the park for similar situations; for the reassurance that as a man he was in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. But the reassurance was not forthcoming and the look of bewilderment on his face betrayed not only a desperate kind of wonder at what he could do next, but also his increasingly obvious feeling of being unwanted and on the periphery. The young toddler might have required attention at that precise moment, but the woman was so focused entirely on his needs, everything else appeared to be in suspended animation. That scene has been indelibly etched on my mind.

With children in tow, this couple is likely to be married. And, with this type of relationship providing the most up-to-date statistics on living together, it is easy to see the downward trends in the length of marriages once children are on the scene. Love is universal in its effects and emotions are always predictable be they personal, individual, peculiar or particular. Any two committed people sharing the same space can expect a repeat of what happens to many other couples, especially with new additions to the family. The advent of children, even as a welcome third party, could spell doom for most couple's relationships unless they are strong, knowledgeable and mature enough to deal with the new situation sensibly. Often this is not the case, as no one has prior training for such sensitive times. The results can then, sadly, be seen in the courts.

Very few unions recover when they have reached a destructive stage. They simply worsen because people have long elephant memories and find it hard to forgive, or to pretend about their feelings. Instead, they become more entrenched, fearful and accusatory. People whose confidence has been damaged never fully recover because they lack validation from others who matter, particularly the reinforcement of their abilities, looks, sexual prowess and, above all, personal worth – a validation that is often not forthcoming because of their negative state. It is a fact that the lower the confidence and esteem of the persons involved, whether male or female, the more bitter and resentful they remain for years after the break, especially if one partner is already getting on with his/her life and seems happy. Those rejected tend to believe no one else will want them as their self-esteem takes a dive.

As to well meaning suggestions of trying to rekindle love, or to get it back when it has gone, that’s a fool’s paradise. True passion depends on the chemistry and appeal of the individuals involved. Once attraction has waned, it cannot be manufactured. A deeper love might replace passion, but that is the time a partner unknowingly becomes more like a relative than a lover. Additionally, at traumatic times, many negative factors interfere with our emotions which prevent us from being satisfied with what we have always had. Individual evolution also ensures we are always seeking to try something new, something befitting our current state. The number of people who left their partners, then returned with every intention of making up and ‘rekindling’ that old love, then left again for good, is enough to fill a huge stadium. There is an interesting reason for this dilemma.

Having affairs or external liaisons does not preclude forgiving and forgetting, or rekindling the home relationship. Starting afresh is always possible, especially if it was a brief fling outside, mainly for diversion or to boost one’s esteem. However, for most affairs that last longer, something entirely unexpected happens. The feelings experienced in that new relationship demonstrate significantly what is missing from the home. It then becomes difficult for partners to return to what they had without their expectations being changed in the process. Partners left behind feeling hurt are also unlikely to change their behaviour to accommodate their partners' positive feelings or to be any more loving. In fact, they are likely to be more resentful, mistrustful and unforgiving. This will invariably affect the behaviour of the offending party.

Tense and Accusatory
If the couple manages to stay together, especially if there is no real effort to put the past behind them, one of four situations will ensue. First, one party will continue with illicit affairs to find the kind of love still missing from the home, or, second, both parties will have new lovers. Third, the atmosphere will be so tense and accusatory that the weaker party will grudgingly, and resentfully, accept the status quo or, fourth, the couple will eventually part. So, any rekindling or reconciliation is often a pipe dream because it is human nature to react when we feel wronged. There is also natural emotional evolution, and the ‘possession’ factor, which are responsible for most break-ups in relationships.

We have to remember that people in troubled relationships gradually lose their anchor, their sense of security, their self-belief, familiar routine, close friends and, in many cases, their home and environment. It is at this time when support from people who are independent, and who genuinely have their interest at heart, is most needed – if only because the underfunded advisory services are stretched to their limits. For example, it took us eight weeks to get an appointment with Relate, the marriage guidance counselors, and we slagged-off each other silly while we anxiously waited. Not surprisingly, the situation worsened. By the time our turn came, he didn’t want to know.

Friends or relatives are also the worst ones to consult at this time. They tend to take sides and exacerbate the issues. A different kind of individual with positive energy is thus needed to lift the affected person out of their negative mire because a sense of being rejected and devalued simply drags them down and keeps them feeling bad about themselves. That can have a disastrous effect on future relationships.

The stereotype of a happy marriage is one of two people who like each other, understand each other well, and settle disputes easily without much rancour. Yet the law of diversity dictates that many stable marriages will not fit such a stereotype at all. Some are volatile (for example, fighting openly but making up passionately at the first opportunity), some won't argue at all but fume inside, making their body language speak louder than words, while others carefully avoid conflicts by sticking to their corner without budging. They don’t even try to work things out. Instead, they agree to disagree (Gottman 1994).

Taking into account all the perceptions, expectations and stages in a relationship, the personal evolution and sexual compatibility, there is obviously a lot of adjustment to do with our partners from the very first day and for every day afterwards. Come to think of it, we are talking about two complete strangers, with their own history and anxieties, who suddenly like each other, move in together and share an intimate and exclusive environment. It stands to reason that, to make a success of that fledgling partnership, they have to learn to live harmoniously - which is no easy feat at all.

Any relationship is a tug of war between two different people for power and control. The more confident or controlling one partner is, the more he/she seeks to make the decisions or dictate behaviour and many people become passive in controlling relationships because of their need to belong and feel secure. Often a sense of duty and a desire to seek approval from other parties keep them some partners rooted in their tracks, even when it is harmful to their existence. When one member of the relationship is more dominant, or doesn’t permit self-expression for the other, the emotional growth of both individuals is likely to be stunted. At least one person will begin to experience frustration, disappointment, fear and anxiety. Eventually, anger becomes the predominant emotion, which could overwhelm the relationship, often leaving the couple with a sense of despair and confusion.

At this point, many partners tend to think about leaving the union because they cannot understand, or work with, these negative dynamics, neither can they tolerate their own ambivalent feelings. The impulse to run away from it all becomes paramount, but the reality is that no one can run away from himself. It is thus essential that each person is aware of exactly what works for them in a relationship. When each participant can face her inner feelings and behaviour patterns, when he can take responsibility for his actions and leave blame behind, the couple has the best opportunity to repair their relationship.

Criticism of Partner's Behaviour

Perhaps the difference between happy and unhappy couples lies more in the coping mechanism they employ to deal with difficult issues than in the content of the relationship. It seems that, as a basic rule of thumb, truly happy couples have developed various ways of handling the inevitable conflicts, while unhappy couples have been unable to do that and tend to remain stuck in a quicksand of blame.

The hallmark of unhappy couples is criticism of their partner's behaviour, which evolves into attacking his or her personality. This eventually degenerates into expressing abusive contempt. Naturally the attacked partner becomes defensive. He/she might deny all blame, feel indignant, counter-attack or completely withdraw emotionally from the situation. Both the attacks (more often made by women) and the defensive refusal to deal with the issues (usually by men) are major parts of the problem. Men, particularly those in unhappy relationships, do not listen to the verbal messages of their partners for fear of what they might hear, or because of arrogance towards them, neither do they pick up on the various non-verbal cues. The argument itself becomes the focus instead of the resolution. On the other hand, happy couples may argue, even shout at each other, but their main aim is to resolve the difficulty. To them, a resolution is more important than any argument. Unhappy couples merely exchange hostile accusations of blame incessantly, using their arguments to replace the resolution.

David Olson (University of Minnesota), who has studied over 15,000 married couples, said that 50 per cent of married people will never be happy, unless they get unusually good therapy. Only 25 per cent of couples are likely to have "really good marriages", though the remaining 25 per cent could achieve a good relationship through counselling or self-help. Other researchers agree that about 30 per cent of marriages are 'empty shells' - having little love, little talk and little joy. Olson believes the most important skills and attributes required in any relationship are: communication skills, conflict resolution skills, compatible personalities, agreement on values and beliefs and, of course, skills which enable enjoyable sex.

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We tend to have a rosy vision of love coupled with unrealistic expectations of the relationship which it creates. 

a. Some of us believe that love is enough to see us through the bad times and that, if people love us, they’ll do anything to make us happy. 

b. Others subscribe to the notion that as long as they do their ‘little bit’ in the partnership, everything will be fine. 

c. Finally, everyone likes to believe that their partners will change to suit them. But, boy, are we all in for a surprise?

Taking each of these beliefs in turn, love is certainly not enough on any level. It isn’t enough to hold two people together, because they need to be able to communicate with, and understand, each other and also solve problems together. The very next day after their honeymoon, they will have to find out how to share the same house, the same room, the same bed, the same money and the same ideals. In addition, they now have new friends and relatives to contend with. It’s no longer the carefree dating scene the two parties enjoyed before their wedding. They don’t go to their respective homes at the end of the day, or at the weekends. They are at home together, for keeps. There is no escaping that fact if they are truly committed to the relationship. Those charming characteristics they like about their partners, and the irritating ones they loathe, are now with them all the time. There will even be times when they forget that they love their partner! But, that’s the situation any new relationship creates and its success depends on how it is dealt with.

The Need to Adapt and Change

Closeness with someone else might bring intimacy, but it also brings the need to adapt and change. However, we can tolerate only so much change without being affected or feeling resentful, especially when we are happy with ourselves and enjoy doing our own thing. Getting married or going into a relationship is thus a major change in our life. The rules of behaviour are different and, unlike being at home with parents, we can no longer insulate ourselves from any ensuing problems. However, we can prevent their damage by creating safer, more uplifting environments because we are now in charge of our life.

The next fallacy is that if someone loves you they should fulfil everything you desire. Such a statement not only makes your love conditional upon the other person doing what you ask as proof of their love, but it is always a warning sign for the dynamics of the partnership as it does say a lot about the person making it. What you are actually saying is, ‘I don’t trust your love, so you need to prove it to me in tangible ways’, or ‘Your feelings, wants and needs do not count. Mine have priority.’ It reflects an unreasonable expectation usually motivated by a lack of care for the partner or, more likely, a lack of self-esteem. It is not unreasonable to have expectations of your partner, but what they are and how you voice them are very important. Unfulfilled expectations are the biggest killers in relationships. Inclusive statements which refer to both parties are the best.

For example, something like ‘If our love is to remain strong, we have to learn to respect each other’s viewpoint.’ This statement shows that you are actually owning your share of the relationship. You are not just focusing on the other person’s behaviour. The ‘we’ word is used far more than ‘me’, ‘myself’ and ‘I’. In this way couples create the opportunity to learn and grow. Mutual expectations and boundaries, which are consistent with shared values and beliefs, are essential to a healthy relationship.

Two strangers setting up home together is not an easy thing and many people should be congratulated for getting past the first five years unscathed! At some point, about two to four years into a partnership (but it could be earlier, if a child is on the scene) disillusion creeps in. This is the beginning of the end for most relationships as they begin the downward slide to a break-up. That is why, if we allow the development of this stage to its ultimate conclusion, the average marriage in the UK lasts seven to nine years while in the USA it’s only three to five years. This stage usually has two parts: fierce tension at the beginning, to cope with constantly being around a new person and fulfilling their expectations, followed by a gradual accommodation as each partner learns to cope with the other. This getting to know you, or 'familiarisation', stage is perfectly normal, representing a sort of ‘buyer’s remorse’. Suddenly one morning, instead of just sparring with your partner, you’ll really want to hurt them emotionally without understanding why!

This stage has a lot of emotional barriers relating to the ‘baggage’ each person brings to the partnership, so the key invisible destructive forces each brings to the union will remain just that – invisible – for a little while longer. But both people will be more relaxed because there won’t be such a need to be on their guard or to be striving to please each other all the time. Boundaries will be tested as true feelings and personal habits are gradually revealed. While this bonding stage is more secure, expectations are higher and become more defined.

The familiarisation stage is the second most important one in the development of relationships. It brings the couple down to earth with a bang from the heady emotional days of romance. There is now a need for commitment, stability, individuality and, of course, power. Being together is based upon choice, not just need, which gives the couple unlimited time to get to know each other intimately. Familiarity brings its own rewards, as well as its problems, because this is the time when you learn that the superhuman, perfect person you’ve been with is just a human being after all. You almost have to fall out of romance to fall into real love – a case of ditching Superman and his warm protective cape for the more solid Clark Kent with his nerdy specs!

Regret at Being in a Relationship

The first part of this familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of all, you are reminded daily of your folly by its continued presence.

But regret at being married, or in a relationship, is a perfectly normal feeling because you miss the days of being single; of not having to think of anyone else; of having no dependent children or any demanding partner. You crave a time when you could be spontaneous in your actions and desires without being judged negatively for it. Above all, you miss the carefree, happy, bygone days without relentless responsibilities. If you have been married before, and were instrumental in breaking up that relationship, this is also the time for some guilt and angst regarding a kind of perceived personal retribution. Altogether, this period is really a very tough time.

Having been on a fantasy trip which excluded everyone else in the ‘besottment’ stage, you do not yet know what reality means for you both. You have rapidly moved from being two single people to a closed item – as well as having all the relatives to contend with, which is an entirely new and somewhat scary situation. But this is the stage when you are likely to discover much more about each other. This is also the ‘possessive’ time, when each party asserts his/her personality in a bid to demarcate territory, to secure personal space and to feel comfortable with any new arrangement; the time when responsibilities are allocated and individual tasks emerge on gender lines.

Competition and conflict are likely to develop as expectations assume importance again but vie with one another for fulfilment. However, they are likely to be thwarted in the face of subtle resistance as both the reality and limitations of the situation combine with other invisible forces to gradually dictate outcomes. In this heated phase, couples learn how to accommodate their differences and to deal with the honesty and openness which are now an integral part of the union, but it will not be easy. Yet no long-term relationship can survive until that accommodation takes place, and many couples never reach that stage because this familiarisation phase will either make or break the new relationship.

Marriages are failing in a big way because of a basic lack of trust in them, the increased choices that are available to everyone and the costs associated with divorce. However, it seems that three other common reasons are helping to reduce the desire to marry in a big way.

1. Basic Boredom

The demographic nail in the coffin of marriage stems from the state of society itself. The majority population is ageing rapidly and, within the next few years, the average life expectancy for a man in the UK will be 87 years old and 93 years for a woman. We cannot write ourselves off at 50 years anymore, otherwise, what on earth are we going to do with the next 30 to 40 years? Of course, this increasing longevity means that people in long relationships get tired of one another and a lot of unhappiness ensues because of one main paradox: We get used to our partners over the years together and want to stay married for that feeling of security and the strong, developing emotional bond, but are as bored as hell when the relationship is not fulfilling. This is because our natural physical, intellectual and emotional evolution keeps the desire to experiment at a significant level in our quest to develop individual potential.

Very few people are bold or honest enough to acknowledge the fact that they're bored, and even fewer are courageous enough to do something about it. Instead, they find all sorts of reasons for the problems (while they studiously avoid the obvious) and many seek solace elsewhere. This desire for new challenges is then satisfied externally while they blame themselves or their partners for their growing unhappiness, workaholism or infidelity, and surreptitiously live a lie. The trouble with lies, those handy fig leaves to the vulnerability of relationships, is that they can only be maintained by even more lies which inevitably, and painfully, become exposed.

2. Workplace Gender Competition

The increasing competition in the workplace has brought its own pressures too. The bid for job parity and opportunity in a technological world has caused a re-definition of women's roles, one which has devalued the homemaker in the process. But modern woman no longer needs male protection. The burgeoning market of part-time work, home work, short-term contracts and consultancy positions are proving ideal for women, but a threat to men, who feel increasingly devalued in an uncertain market as their skills become obsolete. The financial and physical freedom women now enjoy has created higher expectations and aspirations leading to greater self-development and individual rights. Being a single woman no longer spells lonely spinsterhood or life in an isolated nunnery. It is more likely to mean wider choice and autonomy, greater eligibility and a much more affluent, independent lifestyle.

3. Fear of Being Hurt


Both men and women now strive for far more flexibility in their life and less commitment in this ideal single state, one which is supposed to minimise potential hurt, while some of the most miserable people boast the most about avoiding future hurt. But they also avoid a life, without realising their loss. To get to any kind of hurt, one would have experienced the pleasure. Many people miss out on the essence and enjoyment of life in their bid to avoid the pain which is a necessary part of human development. Every kind of hurt teaches us how to deal with the next one we encounter, gradually developing our coping and interactive skills. Thus, the people who avoid hurt the most are the ones least likely to address the causes of that pain because it is always easier to blame someone else than to look to themselves. They might not get hurt by remaining steadfastly 'single and in control', but they won't have much fulfilment either. By not taking any risks with other people they are likely to remain unappealing, frigid fossils in the rut of perfection while their emotional lives atrophy and wither.

Satisfying our emotional needs is as essential as sating the physical and intellectual ones. A well-rounded, personal development is not possible without all three elements being addressed. No matter how much we try to avoid others, human beings are social animals with an intrinsic need for others, hence why we are connected physically. Having or giving no love and affection may be fine for a while but, like any machine that needs maintenance, if such a situation continues indefinitely, it is likely to make you unhappy, and unhappiness ages you fast, makes you vulnerable to illnesses and shortens your life, but such digression is for another time.

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(Photo images used on this page (ID:1166626 & ID: 727092) courtesy of stock.xchng).

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