My advert was quite clear: I wanted "a slim, non-smoker and single man, preferably under 200 lbs in weight". I weigh 138 lbs so allowing up to an extra 62 lbs in a partner (over 4 stones) was pretty generous, I thought. How many men would look at a 200 lbs woman? Not many, I'm sure! A quick scan of the male personal adverts confirmed this - hardly anyone wanted women who weighed more than 150 lbs! Most desired their soulmates to be under 135 lbs! So there goes at least 90% of women.

I felt sure my clear requirements would weed out the unsuitable ones to avoid time wasting and allow greater choice from those who matched up. Fine hope, as it turned out to be. Men weighing over 210 lbs, fully married and smoking, for good measure, thought they fitted the bill! The general attitude was that I didn't mean what I stated, so they felt they could stop smoking, slim down or even leave their wives for me, as I seemed to be 'worth it'. Glib words masking an air of desperation and a lack of personal standards for something so important as a future partner. Some appeared to expect a woman to accept anyone just because she is single and older. Others thought they'd try their hand at something 'different' and 'exotic'! I was not impressed. 


Knowing myself as I do now, I do not stray from my requirements, no matter how appealing the guy might be, simply because I am not prescriptive in my desires. Apart from those three non-negotiables, anyone else is eligible, depending on chemistry. Above all, people are not products so they will not come strictly to order. Sadly, many people seek perfection in partners conveniently ignoring the imperfection that they are. When seeking my own soulmate, I also bear in mind that our personality and perceptions are formed mainly by our background, culture and beliefs. If a person seems wanting in certain key respects, they will remain that way, no matter how much they try to please us. Any change would merely be temporary to get what they want, unless they truly believe the change is beneficial to them. So I have no desire to change anyone to suit me.

I have gradually discovered that the best partners are those who love and appreciate themselves as they are and who are proud of their personality and identity. If they are appealing to us, true love accepts that person, warts and all. People who are happy inside their own skins are more likely to appreciate others too and make allowances in expectation and behaviour. Better to be who you are: flawed, exciting and happy - than to try to be perfect and unhappy for someone else who might soon get tired of the new, fawning you!

General lack of respect and courtesy
Since I have been seeking a new soulmate, I have noticed a few hidden trends in the mating game, which many people are not even aware of, and which prevent both men and women from finding their ideal partners. There are lots of reasons why people do not hook up together easily, despite the zillions of pubs, dance clubs, dating agencies, mingle parties, speed dating and website opportunities available; reasons which keep people chasing their ideal without ever catching him/her. The main ones seem to be a basic lack of courtesy and social skills. People seeming not quite sure, in our Internet age, of how to approach each other. Common courtesy seems to be escaping many people, women in particular, in responding to approaches. Many professional and articulate women are registered on websites, or they deliberately go to pubs and clubs, to SEEK partners. But despite current emphasis on equality, we still expect men to make the first move.

However, when they overcome their fear and shyness to do so, we tend to give them short shrift, especially if they do not look like the ideal or do not say what we want to hear! Amazing what a simple 'No, thank you, but I am flattered by your interest' can do to let someone down gently and reinforce their value and dignity. More difficult suitors can be kept at bay with the exciting news that you have 'just met someone else and would like to follow that through before pursuing any other interest' ... a favourite for unwanted and persistent attention! They never know if it is true or not but it is a powerful lever to have.

The top need for people of Britain in a Channel 4 TV nationwide poll of 'new commandments' was: 'Treating people the way I wish to be treated'. If we do not expect people to ignore us, to be rude and boorish, we shouldn't act that way ourselves. One insecure 40 year old woman used to criticise all men who made a pass at her, or even said hello. She immediately judged them in all sorts of aspects without ever taking the trouble to simply get to know them first. She was very attractive and got a lot of attention, initially, until the men became discouraged trying to match her impossible standards and general disrespect. 'Courtesy costs nothing, give generously', as they say. Being a positive force, it is guaranteed to make that person's day in some way and reinforce the kind of desirable behaviour we all seek.

However, even worse than courtesy is weak conversational and interactive skills! Men and women, having got more equality down the years, have become more unequal in knowing the rudiments of social protocol and how to treat one another with confidence, courtesy and respect, especially when making the first contact through simple conversation. This is usually stilted and one-sided, with one person talking too much, or hardly any questions being asked. Yet only questions supply answers, not just making statements. A good conversation will not only demonstrate genuine interest but is also an important source for getting to know that person and providing clues to personal preferences which can progress the friendship further.

Overall, though we have more tools for interaction, we seem to have less skills in doing so. Yet knowing ourselves, the courtesy to interact and the skills to connect with another human being are the only elements that will deliver that elusive soulmate.

You might believe that a relationship consists mainly of meeting someone, courting them and possibly setting up home together, formally or informally. Not quite so. Dr Linda Cooper Miles informs us that, in order to grow, a long-term relationship gradually moves through the phases of:

A. Romance (You're Perfect.')

B. Fault Finding (You're flawed.')

C. Blaming (You do it to me.')

D. Acceptance (You just keep doing it.') and

E. Transformation (We grow together.').

These are crude representations of very complex and emotional behaviour, but they give the general development adequately. At the first flush of love, the world is alive, wondrous and meaningful. We are swept up into a state beyond our control or reasoning. Romantic, passionate love propels us toward bonding. Yet, many unions then become stuck in blame, repression and rigidity.

Why is that?

It could be because all these stages are dominated by the expectations of both parties regarding what should be happening at any given time; expectations which rarely converge, which create resistance and disillusionment and eventually engineer break-ups in a welter of resentment and unfulfilled hopes. Most couples get stuck in fault-finding, causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each other for decades.

Angel L. Gaines, a relationship counsellor, throws light on this problem. "My philosophy is that people usually have conflict because of the way they process pain, they will use band aids as opposed to seeking the root cause of the pain. The mentality is that: If I can convince myself that I don't want what I really want, then it doesn't hurt as much when I don't get it."

For example, in my own troubled relationship with my ex, I thought the abusive slanging matches were never going to end, dragging on as they did for at least ten years. We both refused to address the root causes while we stuck plaintively to the superficial issues. Of course, very little was ever resolved while we skirted round each other daily in ever-increasing circles of pain.

A Destructive Manipulative Game
In most marriages each person changes from day to day, sometimes being very loving but irritated at other times and sometimes being the leader but the follower on other occasions. However, some couples become frozen into one role which gradually stunts the development of their relationships. When we get stuck on one emotion (and deny the other feelings we have), our relationship often becomes a destructive, manipulative game. Many of us marry to meet pressing needs often childhood ones. But, a marriage can't meet all our needs and when problems occur, we then get stuck in negativity and blame the partner. More well-adjusted couples remain able to express all their feelings, using the full range of love, anger, strength and weakness with a balance among these emotions.

Although many relationships are based on anger and conflict, continuous negativity in a relationship does not necessarily mean doom. It indicates that the connection with our partner is very much alive; that the person still has a strong impact on us. The more passion and caring in evidence, the harder it is to move through this stage of bickering, exactly what happened in our relationship because we were still very attracted to one another. We want to change that person so badly, all we do is dwell on their faults, but the key lies within ourselves. Until we change our own actions and reactions, the situation will remain the same. We cannot be treated in the same way if we ourselves have changed.

If we learn to communicate and negotiate constructively, our relationship will deepen and reach acceptance. As Dr Cooper Miles sees it, "Having a good relationship is like learning to manage a fire. When we take care of the fire properly - add logs when needed, and manage the potential destructiveness, it generates warmth, sensuality and great beauty in our lives."

Neglected and left to its own devices, there could be a nasty conflagration!

Yes, it certainly has worked for me.

I set eyes on my ex husband at a civil event and knew that the attraction was mutual immediately I saw him with his friend and spoke to him. We lasted 33 years and were still in love by the finish, except that we had diverged so much in our values and expectations, we could not sustain the relationship on love alone because too much resentment and anger had crept in.

On another occasion, I knew I had fallen in love instantly with someone when our eyes met across a room, seeing him for the first time. It was amazing because it was so unexpected because he was not the type I would have expected to even be friendly with. That was before my marriage but circumstances just weren't right at the time to follow through. Thirty five years later he proposed but I was a different person by then and wanted something different with my life.

Falling in love is really down to our beliefs. If we believe that anyone can engage us in an instant, because we are expressive enough to allow it to happen, then it will always happen for us. If we are the cynical type who questions every potential relationship and are worried about its outcome, it won't get a chance to flourish because we will kill it with our negative expectations.

People who don't believe in falling in love at first sight are seldom likely to experience it for that very reason: they cannot have something positive materialising out of their negative beliefs, and fear of its consequences will keep such an experience from happening. But love at first sight is magical when it works because it carries with it the potential for something truly exciting and enjoyable.

So, do YOU believe in love at first sight? :o)

In trying to find that elusive ideal soulmate, the first step is to work out what you want. What are you looking for, in general? You cannot be too prescriptive, otherwise good people will be ruled out, so it is probably best to begin with what you definitely do not want. What would turn you off and make you run a mile?

For me it is discourtesy, meanness and a beer belly! Any sniff of those three things and I'm gone like the wind. Most men prefer women to be good-looking, slim and pleasing to the eye, but they seem to leave their own appearance behind when they make those demands, while others think their own imperfect figures are invisible to women!

Make a shortlist of the essentials you are looking for in a mate, the ones you regard as very important on a long-term basis. In addition to that, make another list of up to six important things you can offer to that person or the relationship. If you are not sure about yourself, ask a friend to describe your best attributes. For example, if you were not educated beyond school level, it could be that all you feel you have to offer is being a good housekeeper (cooking, ironing, cleaning and rearing your children) because you were well taught by your parents. For your information, that’s a lot to go on for someone not interested in being a career spouse!

What Do You Have to Offer?
My list for what I desire would have to include: non-smoker, social or non-drinker, generosity, sense of humour, intelligence, slim to medium build, love of music and being romantic. That last one is important because I like the hearts and flowers stuff! So perhaps breaking up your desires into non-negotiable, desirable and just fine might show you what you must have in a soulmate against what you could accept. My non-negotiables would be in the smoking, drinking and communication region. I would loathe a stick-in-the-mud character who feels that his love is implied and he doesn’t have to say it or show it. I want to hear it, loudly, and see it in his actions, as I will be giving lots of it in return. In that way, our feelings will seldom be taken for granted.

What I have to offer would be intelligence, romance, being tactile and loving, slim and good looking, independence, my own successful career and no money! What I lack in money, I make up for in love. It means that all the men looking to supplement their income, or build up their fortunes would give me a wide berth, but the successful, confident ones, who wanted me for my loving, my looks, personality, intellect, creativity, energy and drive, would be first at the door. Relationships are negotiable. Don't assume that what you think that peerson wants from you is only what you have to offer. It coud be something you are not even aware of!

That could explain the deep attraction between a former lover and myself. This was the first relationship I had which resulted from specified requirements on both sides on a website. He wanted someone ‘intelligent, attractive/beautiful, educated, articulate, romantic, professional, independent, with a sense of humour’. He hardly drinks, doesn’t smoke and has a dry sardonic wit. I realised just how much he earned a couple of months later when he gave me a present. It was nice to be pampered as well, which was a very pleasant surprise!!

Some people might wonder why, no matter what they do, their relationships do not work, and they seem to be at odds with partners or dates. It could have a lot to do with the perception of love between the couple and the expectations of it.

Some people are simply in love with the 'idea' of love, the heart stopping, bell ringing, excited, physical part, but shy away from the 'responsibility' of love - the mundane, routine, demonstrations required. The two aspects are not the same. The love ideal is just that - a perfect ideal which has lust at its core. Nothing else seems to matter except being with that person, shagging them silly and being physically close. That will feel fantastic for a short while but, if the responsibility of love isn't there (what many men shy away from), that relationship or dating experience is doomed from the start.

The responsibility of love contains four elements: Affection, Caring, Sharing and Commitment, which can come in any order for an individual, depending on their personal needs and priority. This order is very important for matching couples. For example, for me, Caring comes first, every time, then Affection, Sharing and then Commitment. I used to think that ideal love (Affection) mattered to me the most, until a boyfriend showed me otherwise. He showered me with physical love, non-stop daily, which felt fabulous at first, especially when one is wanted and loved in such an intense manner. His commitment was also very high because he wanted me to be his wife to fulfil HIS needs. But the genuine caring and sharing were markedly absent.

He really didn't care about me, as a person, and was too self-absorbed to really share anything with me, so the differences began to irritate a few weeks later. One could say that his love satisfaction level depended on having this order in his life: Affection, Commitment, Sharing and Caring (ACoCS) whereas mine was Caring, Affection, Sharing and Commitment (CASCo). Not much of a priority match there. In fact, we were almost diametrically opposed, which was masked by the high priority we both placed on Affection. Small wonder problems developed within the second month of the relationship.

The Responsibility of Love
AFFECTION: This contains all the physical love element, being tactile, sexual, endearing, passionate and close, and very few relationships can survive without it. However, what breaks many relationships is a mismatch of this element. Some people might wish for Commitment first and do not care too much about the physicality because they value companionship more. Setting up home with someone who puts Affection first would thus be near torture for them, which is partly why there are a lot of unhappy older people currently in dry, loveless relationships!

CARING: This element contains valuing the partner highly, automatic respect, genuine concern for their welfare and health and wanting the best for them. It also includes looking after that person's interest, valuing what they do and encouraging them in their endeavours. This part represents the emotional connection between the couple, a necessary element if the physical part is to work. People low in esteem and confidence tend to lack this element as the main focus is always on them, what they lack and what they need.

SHARING: This includes a desire to share everything in the relationship as much as possible: leisure, household tasks, money, care of children and other important aspects of the home or union. A desire to be completely unselfish and inclusive with your partner. For example, where is the sharing element if your partner leaves you to do ALL the household chores, even though you both work? A lack of sharing comes through insensitivity and fear, especially from those who lack self love and find it hard to give.

COMMITMENT: At the heart of love is Commitment, even for a day. When we love, we commit immediately to progressing the relationship and building on it. If we fear Commitment there is no genuine love, merely using that person for our own ends. Real love suggests "I value you enough to see the potential of this relationship in whatever way required". If it doesn't work, so be it, but if it has no Commitment in the first place, through fear or negativity, that's a short relationship for both parties. Do notice that, ideally, Commitment comes last in the love quartet. If you have genuine affection, caring and sharing, the commitment will certainly follow, instead of expecting commitment first when the other elements are not fully in place.

Checking Your Own Relationship
So what is your relationship like and what could be the mismatch? There is an easy numerical way to find out. In a perfect relationship, each of the four love elements will carry 20 points out of 100 (80 in total), with a further 20 points attached to the element which matters most to that person (making 100 points). For example, my perception of what happened in that relationship is as follows. His Caring of me I would rate at about 10, but as Caring is also my number one priority, it's actually 10 out of 40, not out of 20! Affection between us was awesome, so that would have the full 20, Sharing was only 5, and Commitment was 15 (though the score he would give me for commitment, I guess, would be quite low as I wasn't ready to share his life just yet).

Altogether, I would rate my love satisfaction level at 50%. Some great elements there, but not enough to sustain a long term relationship with him. From his enjoyment, and its obvious benefits for him, I believe his overall score for himself would be be at least 80, markedly different from my score of 50. Yet, any successful relationship would need at least 75 points from the perception of BOTH parties.

Sadly, finding out love satisfaction levels is not something that can be done on the first date. It takes some time to emerge. But being aware of why there could be a mismatch could be useful. It is well worth establishing which party is likely to have his/her head in the clouds about any potential relationship and which one is ready for the actual responsibility of true love.

People like to demarcate between love and lust but they are actually two sides of the same coin. I like to say that my ex husband and I fell into lust. We could not keep our hands off each other and, even three months before I left the relationship (which lasted nearly 35 years), we would just look at each other and want to hit the sack - and that's in our 50s!

It was a very powerful feeling of attraction and desire, but I felt that too much resentment had crept in, as well as other unacceptable behaviour, and I decided, with much heartache, to leave it. However, I noticed that those strong physical feelings weren't a fluke. They were also present , in varying degrees, with the next two men in my life.

That experience, along with some hot gossip from various friends, has forced me to conclude that lust is the pre-requisite to love. There really is no difference between the two except that, in cases where there is only lust and no development, someone in the partnership is resisting commitment, or doesn't feel as strong. Wherever the feeling is reciprocal, there is real love on the horizon. It is a lack of commitment and a fear of the future that stop lust from developing further, because there is no greater feeling than desiring a person deeply and having that reciprocated.

Many people who are unsure of themselves, insecure in their expectations, narrow in their definition of love and very controlling, prefer to make a distinction between love and lust. They often use value judgements to imply that somehow lust is less worthy of our reaction than love, and one cannot put great faith in it. But any relationship which begins without that spark of lust will not have much to sustain it when the initial attraction wears off. When we lust after someone, we want to share their company in every possible way, and for as often as possible too. Lust precedes love and when they are both allowed to take their course, as I found out on three occasions in my life, it is a simply awesome and overwhelming experience.

When two people meet, if there really isn't that lust there, the physical part soon goes, which eventually takes the relationship with it. Lust prepares us for the long haul in commitment, while love takes over further down the line when we know our partners better. It then strengthens that attraction and settles us down to enjoying mutual trust, great sex and an even more satisfying relationship.

The tell-tale signs of love, whether for male or female, are not easily missed because they take over one's life for as long as the feeling lasts. They permeate every activity, they define one's actions and appear to take on a vibrant life of their own. There is no greater feeling than being in love because that is strongly connected to one's feeling of self worth and acceptance, which makes it one of the happiest moment's of a person's life.

The tell-tale signs of love in the air are most evident in six major areas of behaviour, listed in order of occurrence:

1. Constant Loving Thoughts
When we are in love, we cannot stop thinking about that person. We spend a lot of time imagining what we did with them (like that first kiss, or the way we met) and that is relived over and over; fantasising about spending time with them, and constantly wondering what they are doing while smiling to ourselves like Cheshire cats who got the cream! It is really difficult not to think about the loved one mainly because they make us feel happy; they make us want to shout out loudly from the rooftops, to tell the world how we feel, and they give us a quiet sense of satisfaction and self reinforcement in being loved, desired and wanted.

2. Increased Communication and Interest

This is a time when the desire to communicate with the loved one is strongest. We tend to become more expressive and open. There will be lots of phone calls, visits and/or texts/emails between the parties. There will be dialogue around the most insignificant things. There will also be playfulness, teasing, expressions of endearment, tons of questions, and plans about the future, especially regarding sharing activities. In fact, it will be non-stop communication around the things that matter, coupled with an insatiable mutual interest in the lives of both parties. Everything, no matter how trivial, will assume importance and significance to maintain that connection and dialogue. This is because the very act of communicating is both enjoyable and self-reinforcing so both parties try to get even more of it.

3. Increased Affection
Nature brings people together through attraction and touch. One of the most significant signs of being in love is the desire to touch the other person. Hugging, holding hands, embracing, kissing and being close together become routine, especially in the early stages of any relationship. When we are attracted to someone we really have the strongest desire to be very intimate with them, especially to make love and to spend as much time with them as possible. This is called mutual 'chemistry', when the attraction is so powerful that the parties constantly want to touch each other and share their space.

4. Desire to Please
Love gives us a strong desire to please. At such times we would go to the ends of the earth for a loved one. Nothing seems too difficult or challenging because we are trying to impress, to be given the seal of approval. In fact, we would even take up hobbies we do not like, if the other person is doing them, just to show how much we care about them and to gain their approval! When we love someone we want to make them notice us and to keep that loving feeling going as long as possible. This is where we are at our most compliant and amenable. It also explains why many people can be taken advantage of during these heady, vulnerable times.

5. Desire to Share
One of the surest tell-tale signs of love is the strong desire to share whatever we have with the loved one: whether it be our encouragement, time, money, knowledge or space. We become unduly generous with what we have when we love someone else because that becomes a key part of proving our love to them. The act of sharing in a relationship brings out the protective and caring instincts. Sharing brings people even closer together because it also leads to a gradual understanding of each other while emphasising the values they both have, which is an important pointer to their future together.

6. Feeling Happy
This is such an obvious sign of love, it can be safely assumed that where there is no feeling of heady happiness there really is no love. If one is feeling unhappy in a relationship that is a sure sign that the love is going because love gives a unique feeling all of its own. We feel almost invincible when we are in love: joyous, contented and reinforced with a new positive perspective on the world. A genuine feeling of happiness goes hand in hand with love which is why relationships that end without mutual agreement is often so painful because the happiness is replaced by pain and loss.

These six signs are pervasive in all feelings of love because at the act of sharing, touching, communicating, pleasing and thinking is simply demonstrating mutual respect for each other. When these elements are reduced, or they disappear, one can safely say that the love has gone and the relationship is over too.

Some people have genuine difficulty getting others to like them while others find it almost effortless. Yet, we all have the potential to be well liked right there within ourselves. It is just a matter of finding it and acting upon it, which is not that easy to do. However, there are four sure ways of getting others to like and appreciate us more, and they start with the key one, self-love.

1. SELF-LOVE: We cannot expect others to like what we dislike or reject, so we have to start liking ourselves FIRST before anyone can like us. If we think we are terrible, ugly, bad, sad, or whatever, why should anyone else think differently? We are the ones who set the standard, the value and the baseline for who we are and wish to be. If we value ourselves very little, or dislike ourselves a lot, that just makes us unattractive. There is no way anyone else is going to place us at a higher value, or like us any more, than we do. Our thoughts, attitude and actions will match the negative way we feel and will encourage others to avoid us too.

So if you are wondering why you might not be attracting as many friends as you should, or you lose friends equally quickly, it could be related to to how you feel about yourself which affect the way others react to you in turn. So start loving yourself today, appreciating and valuing who you are, and giving thanks for being you because, if you don't give the lead no one else will follow! Love yourself, accept yourself and value yourself and others reciprocate too.

2. BEING YOURSELF: One of the biggest myths about friendship is that you have to please others to get them to like you. But that is only a small part of the picture. The best way to get others to like you is to be yourself. No one else. There is no need to try to impress anyone, to be like anyone else, to go overboard to seek approval, or to be constantly wondering how you should behave in the company of others. Those are signs of insecurity in yourself. When you worry about what others think and their feelings about you, and constantly seek their approval in order to like you, that points to low self-esteem and a lack of pride and self-belief in who you are.

Furthermore, when you are too fawning or too pleasing, others will find it hard to respect you because they will not be quite sure of the real you. It makes you appear weak and makes them uncomfortable in your presence. Being yourself, especially through positivity, being confident and independent are the most attractive ways to draw people to you. What will happen is that those who like you exactly as you are will want to get closer to you and share your company and those who don't will continue on their way, which will give you less hassle all round. If you are a positive, caring, cheerful, fun person, don't worry about those who don't like you because there will be many, many more who do.

3. ATTITUDE: People respond most to a positive attitude and this comes from positive thoughts. Pointless thinking negative thoughts all day, or constantly whining, whingeing, judging and criticising, then expecting others to find your company uplifting and enjoyable.People tend to gravitate towards others who make them feel good, who inspire them to greater things, who are role models or just fun to be with. If your attitude is a constantly negative one which doesn't really do much for others, you won't be liked. You might attract a few people out of fear, but real friends will avoid you because you are not doing anything for them emotionally.

A great attitude is revealed through positive actions (like giving compliments), your facial expression (a smile works wonders!), your sense of humour (how quickly you are to laugh than to frown), your personal contentment and happiness (are you always complaining?) and your empathy for others (are you quick to help or to judge them?). Your attitude to life, whether positive or negative, will either draw people to you or repel them for good.

4. PUT OTHERS FIRST: At the heart of any kind of friendship is reciprocity, give and take. If you are just a taker, you will not have many friends because no one likes a selfish person. People tend to like those who are considerate of them, who are helpful, who don't seek to take advantage and who will protect their interests. Otherwise they will feel vulnerable to you and when that happens, they tend to retreat into themselves. People who think only of themselves tend to be avoided because the essence of friendship is sharing and benefits. Both people must benefit from a friendship, and reap some reward from it, for it to be maintained. Otherwise it won't be long before one person becomes resentful, loses interest and vote with their feet. Benefits can either be physical (material things), emotional (mutual affirmation and support) and/or intellectual (stimulating conversations). It all depends on what the other person is seeking for their personal fulfilment in liking you.

So, if you strive to be yourself, to like yourself first before expecting others to like you, to nurture a very pleasant and positive attitude, one with a ready smile, and to put others first before yourself, you have the key ingredients for not only being very popular in your circle, but to be liked for the right reasons too!

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Did you meet someone recently, thought things might happen and everything fell flat? If we ignore the power of expectations to affect what we do in life, there is an unknown culprit lurking most times when a potential relationship fails to bear fruit.

In an age, especially in Western societies, when people have greater control over their lives, fall in love, and expect to live happily ever after, there is a lot that can happen between expectation and realisation, not least because of the clear stages that are involved in the fulfilment of any relationship.

There are five clear stages to developing a relationship: non-existent, potential, exploratory, short-term and long-term. The main obstacle to the formation of new relationships lies in how these stages are handled, especially trying to bypass the middle stages to get to the last one.

The five key stages are:

1. Non-Existent: The is the easy bit. The two people are still strangers to each other. They could be just seeing each other for the first time, exchanging glances or smiles across a crowded room, reading each other's profiles on a dating site and liking what they see, and feeling drawn towards each other in some way without really knowing why. The hallmark of this first stage is interest and curiosity. A desire to know more, though it may never move further than that if the situation, mutual feelings or aspirations do not allow it.

2. Potential: Strangers have turned into acquaintances because of the definite attraction that is felt by both parties. The main aspect of this stage is communication and conversation. There might be exchanges of emails, if the parties meet on a dating site, or just a friendly chat if they meet otherwise. There is a feeling of mutual comfort, the precursor of chemistry, but that would not be enough on its own to lead to the next stage. However, when there is potential for something positive, especially if the physical attraction is strong, the next stage is inevitable.

3. Exploratory: There is a definite friendship, warmth, interest, curiosity and accommodation between the couple. There is also likely to be physical contact too. This is where there would be lots of phone contact, for example, some dating, a desire to do activities together, to know more about each other, to seek out mutual alignment with one another and to establish how each other feels. There might be full chemistry (comfort, mutual value and excitement) on both parts, or only one person might feel it. Most relationships will flounder at this stage if the information, attitudes and activities revealed in the exploration do not align together. In that case, some people might continue to be friends while others will finish it there. However, successful exploration leads to a short-term liaison which many people often mistakenly believe to be long-term.

4. Short-Term: By this stage there is a definite relationship growing, though neither party knows how long it will last for. Due to this uncertainty, there is likely to be misinterpretations of its possibilities, or one person forcing the pace or even hanging back, if both parties are not feeling the same way. A short-term relationship is an unspoken trial one, provisional to what might be possible, where the signs are very good for the two people becoming a couple but there is one crucial item missing: commitment. One person might expect this commitment (a key part of the final stage) to follow quickly before the other is ready, which is a recipe for disaster. A short term relationship is simply a different kind of exploration to test the possibilities of being closer together. However, this is where personal expectations, especially those which are not aligned between the two parties, would get in the way of further development. It is also where the most incompatibilities will reveal themselves and is accountable for the majority of failed relationships, mainly through dashed expectations and disillusionment.

5. Long-Term: These relationships have weathered the first four tricky stages and have established themselves on a more permanent footing. Their hallmark is commitment of the couple to each other. By this time, they would also have a greater understanding and appreciation of one another and are more likely to enjoy each other's company on a regular basis. This is a more expressive and trusting stage where the comfort levels would be pretty advanced.

Main Problem With the Stages

Often relationships falter because people are trying to short-circuit the different stages to get to the final one as quickly as possible. They are afraid to explore the possibilities sufficiently, afraid of 'getting hurt', and expect everything to go smoothly, especially if they like the person. They often try to get from No.2 to No.5 without going through 3 or 4, being afraid to explore too much or being too secretive with information. But if one ignores these critical stages, it means that all the learning process, the appreciation period and the mutual understanding gained in these moments would all have to be done in the long-term phase, which makes it a pretty painful process and which kills many marriages, in particular, after a relatively short time!

People tend to seek commitment in the friendship far too early, by wishing to proceed to Stage 5 quickly, and when it is not forthcoming they become disillusioned. Yet, if each took the time to know and appreciate the other person, to give that exploratory or short-term stage due attention, they would have a firmer foundation for the final stage. However, most people seeking new partners tend to bring a lot of emotional baggage from their last relationship to the new one. They either expect the same hurt to repeat itself; they are fearful of what the other person might do, instead of allowing him/her to prove themselves, or they expect things to fall apart quickly and the relationship to fail. Not surprisingly, it does, because our attitudes and actions will always match what we expect.

I met someone a few years ago who proposed within two weeks of meeting and was pretty serious about it. However, I had some doubts and couldn't really say why, because the exploratory stage was rather exciting. I felt a sense of unease as his personality unfolded. We started the short-term phase by spending every weekend together while he continued with his proposals, getting more impatient with my reluctance. After nearly three months of weekends together, the penny finally dropped. He was a pretty selfish individual who was physically very loving, tactile and affectionate, but emotionally arid, detached and introspective. It was all about him. He had found the perfect woman he wanted but I certainly hadn't found my perfect man. I would not have discovered it if I hadn't spent some close time with him because he was on excellent behaviour in the early stages. The minute he thought I might be in the bag, the real person emerged; something which isn't possible to appreciate without close interaction.

The best way to ensure development of a new relationship is to come to it with a fresh and open mind. Leave the past behind, be positive in your expectations, allow the person to be who they are, and the stages to work themselves through in their own way. By being yourself and allowing the relationship to unfold, instead of trying to control or direct it, you will both gradually know whether you will be happy with each other or it is best to move on. However, if anything is artificially controlled, or the stages are omitted, there are likely to be unpleasant surprises waiting further down the line when you are fully committed to each other and least expect them!

Anyone can cope with life when it's calm and rosy, but the real character and worth of an individual shine through when there is stress and chaos. The main reason for this dual entity relates to our desire to be ourselves on one hand, yet to constantly impress others on the other, particularly potential partners. So, we are never likely to reveal our true selves while we are comfortable and well settled. For this reason, the longer the comfort time enjoyed in the relationship the less likely we are to truly know our partner. This is because, early in the relationship, we prefer to mirror the needs and expectations of others who matter to us until we are forced to reveal our true selves.

Thus any new relationship is based on a kind of lie involving two strangers, who are rarely what they seem, for the primary purpose of eliciting maximum satisfaction from the new bonding. That is why partners appear to be markedly different after marriage, or after years of living together. As the saying goes, men marry women hoping they will stay the same forever, while women hope to change their men immediately after wedlock! The agenda is apparently set by both parties from the wedding day, except that each is careful not to reveal it until later. It only becomes noticeable over time as their individual personalities take over, especially if they are frustrated in their personal aims. So long as life is chugging along happily, and each half feels comfortable with the partnership, only a few easily observable characteristics will be exposed. The important ones will remain dormant and deadly for a long time until they are required.

Come a day that is stressful and problematic then new elements of the spouse's character, particularly negative ones, will be pushed to the fore. It is only a matter of time before those invisible forces take effect. Years later, when the couple seem almost like two strangers again, they are likely to marvel how little they really knew their partners when they honestly thought they did. Hence the proverbial, "My wife/husband doesn't understand me", a statement which might appear rather odd, considering the near-perfect understanding during courtship!

Many people go into relationships with all the best intentions in the world then wonder why they still fail. This is because the dynamics of two people getting together follow certain patterns or trends, despite each person being unique. If those trends are not spotted and understood, we tend to keep repeating them over and over again.

The following reasons are the biggest culprits of short-lived relationships and should deter anyone from rushing in without thinking:

1. "Because I feel lonely."
That's the worst time to hitch up with someone else. We came into this world on our own and we leave it alone too. It means that for 24/7 we are going to have to get used to the person inside our heads and our bodies. If we cannot stand our own company for any length of time, no one else will find it attractive either. The first law of any successful relationship is for both parties to happy with themselves, feel happy with their bodies, to enjoy that solitude of being alone at times. It helps you to work out what makes you tick as a person so that you can spot what suits you a mile off. When you don't know who you are, don't know what makes you happy or unhappy and dread spending time on your own, that won't be endearing to anyone else. In fact, you are likely to miss what really makes you happy when you focus on others instead of yourself.

It is quite fine to feel lonely on odd occasions when we desire the company of someone else around us. Nothing wrong with that. But if we love company than we love ourselves, or feel lonely all the time that we are alone, there is an inadequacy within us which no one else can fill, no matter how they might try. It means that whenever that person is not there we will always feel lonely within ourselves and miss them even more. We should go into a relationship because we genuinely love that person and desire their company in our lives, not because we feel lonely.

2. "Because he/she loves me."
That's important but the big question is: If you are going into a relationship mainly because someone else loves you and it makes you feel good, but you really don't love yourself, that will be a short relationship in the making. A key part of the first law of relationships is that each person LOVES themself. When you both bring 100% self love to the equation, you are more likely to bring 100% respect, affirmation and appreciation too.

There are many couples who primarily depend on each another for love and affection. That's fine in the honeymoon days. But wherever you have one person loving more than another in a friendship, there is the recipe for disaster in the making because you essentially have one giver and one taker instead of two givers. Both parties need to love themselves and each other equally. It means that should there be problems, and one person leaves the relationship, the other party won't feel too bereft and alone because their good feelings would not have been totally dependent upon the other person.

Broken relationships hurt primarily because one person is too dependent on the other party's love and affection. When that is taken away, the other person feels terribly rejected and unwanted. They are likely to judge themselves just by the yardstick of that partner and when he/she goes, it is a very painful and awful time for the one left behind. Once we love ourselves and feel good with us, when someone leaves us we will appreciate immediately that they came into our lives to share our journey, not to make it. When they leave, they would have taught us the lesson we were meant to learn and have moved on to continue their own journey. We would then thank them, grieve briefly and move on too, feeling better than before, not worse. By feeling really baldly and rejected, we actually reject ourselves and the amazing people we are. Most important, we close off other opportunities to meet even better people later on while we hang back in the past in misery and victimhood. Any relationship should be based on mutual love and appreciation, not because one person is doing all the loving for both.

3. "Because she/he has money etc."
Never get into a relationship simply because of what a person has. Possessions should be a bonus that eases the path of the friendship on a material basis, but it shouldn't be the essential foundation for that partnership. A good test of why you are settling with someone is to ask yourself this: If there was a flood, earthquake or any other natural disaster tomorrow that robbed us of everything we have, would I still be interested in this person? Would I still love and care for them? Worse still, a relationship where money is the key factor makes it unequal from day one, giving power to the owner on an unhealthy scale: mainly the power of one person over another brought through wealth. The person on the receiving end might feel great at the beginning, being showered with things or pampered daily, but the mere fact that the money belongs to someone else brings it's own power pressures of one person always being beholden to another. Many people can exercise that power in a very insensitive way, using it as a very strong form of control. In those kind of unequal relationships, respect and genuine love are the last things that are likely to be found in them.

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, for example? The minute she married him, her motives would have been suspect, no matter how much she 'loved' him. Now that the relationships was so short, and she has fought so hard to get a share of his wealth to which she did not contribute, many people's worst fears as to her reasons for the relationship would have been confirmed. Yet, I guess that the real power in that relationship would have been Paul, as he was the one with the main resources.

The best relationships begin with self-love, self appreciation and respect in both parties. It means neither party is dependent on the other to provide all the love and affection needed. There will be 100% contribution from both parties which is likely to nurture and encourage a much longer and more fulfilling partnership based on mutual value and appreciation.

Sex can be very different when we are young than when we are older because our perspectives are likely to be different, we are far more experienced and mature and our expectations around sex have been mellowed by age.

Young men, in general, tend to talk about their sexual conquests but not their sexual concerns. They like to keep up the strong male image, including the impression that they are fantastic in bed and have no problems (except that they “can’t get enough”). Males usually feel responsible for the whole sexual process – for approaching the woman, arranging the place, skillfully handling foreplay and producing both orgasms! However, one sexologist believes that too many macho males think sex is all that really matters in a relationship.

Sharing feelings and problems, being tender and caring, doing things together that the woman likes to do, getting to know each other deeply, etc. are seen too often as silly women’s stuff. “These men just don’t get it,” he says. “Good loving is not in the penis, it is in the heart and the mind. If sex was just about coming to a climax, then we’d simply masturbate. Sex is a mental-interpersonal process, not just a brief physical act. With males having all these responsibilities, misconceptions and sexist attitudes, the truth is that men actually have a lot of sexual problems.” However, many of them never seek professional advice. They are likely to blame women instead for ‘making them feel inadequate’!

Younger women today seem to have the least inhibition about initiating sexual activities or having random sex. Being generally more mature than younger men, they seem to know what they want and they also ‘dump’ boyfriends more easily than older women. The most common female concerns are finding that faithful man and reaching a sexual climax. Sexual experience for many women may also mean many different things like never having an orgasm of any kind, seldom having a climax during intercourse or being able to climax only after "continuous extensive stimulation". It is difficult to say how many women are affected like this, but such experiences are often taken for granted and only become a ‘problem’ if someone is really dissatisfied through increased experience.

According to various research, about ten per cent of sexually experienced women have never had an orgasm during intercourse and another ten per cent are inconsistent. Actually, only 40 per cent of women claim to have an orgasm through intercourse alone, a figure that our male dominated culture would consider ‘normal’, and almost 60 per cent of women privately say they are dissatisfied with their husband’s sexual performance. However, bearing in mind that a great number of women are inhibited by the sexual process, especially older women, we have to wonder to what extent men are being held responsible for the women's low sexual responses.

Reasons for failing to combine love and sex
One main reason most young couples find it difficult to combine love and sex to really feel good about their life is that the feeling of great sex – which is initially so exhilarating – becomes frightening to them. Young people starting out want the opportunity to just enjoy themselves without too much responsibility or restrictions. As individuals they often fear losing themselves to the other person; of giving too much and then being dependent on someone else. The key is letting go, yet knowing that we can regain control whenever we wish to do so.

For example, many women have a lot of anxieties about reaching an orgasm. But having any orgasm requires emotional release and being completely relaxed. If we are stressed in any way, that’s difficult to achieve. Worrying about being ‘normal’, about conflicts in the relationship, about your job and career, and listening to the cautioning and restrictive voices of parents in our heads about how a ‘proper’ lady should behave, inevitably cause women to tighten up emotionally and physically; to appear cold and frigid to caring spouses and to miss out on the natural enjoyment of their relationship.

We need to give ourselves full permission to think about sex, to fantasise about sex, to talk about it and to accept that it is natural and right to have personal likes and dislikes. Sadly, many people grew up being taught that it was wrong to have sexual feelings or desires or that the act itself was 'dirty'. This means that there are lots of ambiguities and fears around sex before they even begin to seek a soulmate. Personal embarrassment and religious brainwashing pronounced judgment on a natural act and dictated its effect on us ever since. However, most people will find that their sexuality is actually enhanced when they stop making rules about what they ought to like, or do, with sex and begin to focus on what they actually enjoy.

Telling partners what feels good, experimenting with different positions and focusing only on the moment should increase the couple's enjoyment. Getting rid of certain insecurities relating to jealousy and control should also help sexual enjoyment. One man, who clearly enjoys his sex life puts it cogently, “Sex is about giving 70 per cent and expecting 30 per cent back. If each person aims for that ratio in their relationship, it should be a fantastic experience.”

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