The First Pillar of Confidence: Belonging
Other Articles on this page.
*Why Confidence Cannot be Faked
*The Definition of Confidence
*How Can I Stop Worrying?
*What is Happiness?
*Confidence Killer 2: The Search for PERFECTION
A sense of belonging is the most crucial element in the confidence triangle. Try as we might, we cannot function without others as we are social beings. From the moment we are born and bonded with our parents, we begin the social cycle of inclusion: in family, relatives, schools, friends, relationships, associations and work. There is no escaping others because they validate our existence and reinforce our culture and identity. Others act as mirrors which reflect our existence. When this reflection is confusing, or does not match with our own self perception, it leads to isolation or an identity crisis.
Other people's attention, recognition, praise, affection and love are lifelines to our endeavours, reinforcing who we are and giving us the purpose to continue with our lives. When others we care about reject us, we are likely to reject ourselves too, internalise the hate and spew it back on the family and community in the form of deviant, selfish behaviour. Most juvenile and adult problems are caused by a deep sense of not belonging to anyone or anything. Such people are most likely to have experienced rejection of some sort in childhood or in a relationship which leaves them with a sense of isolation, probably a desire to be destructive and a feeling of not having anyone on their side who really cares about them or their future.
For example, this bright, but sensitive, young 14-year-old girl was always being called nasty, hurtful names because of her surname. She had a terribly low opinion of herself and didn't see herself advancing far, despite her abilities. Having being picked on constantly, she felt 'unloved' and 'lonely' and wanted to leave school as soon as she could. She saw the greatest event in her life as 'getting married to a nice guy who loves me as I am'.
Lack of Affirmation
Her peers' cruel behaviour did not affirm who she was so she had begun to reject herself too, rating herself very low in esteem and refusing to acknowledge that her surname had little to do with her looks or talent, or that she could still be anything she wanted. As the social mirror did not reflect her self-perception, she was very hurt and began to reject her schoolwork, precipitating her steady decline. This girl's negative feelings came as no surprise but they are disturbing. At this age, the friendship of her peers and being considered 'one of the gang' are very important in her development. If she is continually teased and rejected it makes it difficult for her to appreciate herself and her potential or to recognise herself as someone worthy of respect and love.
In fact, one of our worst emotions come from a sense of total rejection by those whom we care about most, hence the traumatic effect of any broken relationship which is not mutual. The sense of not belonging is very obvious when a relationship breaks. The loss of a partner is an immediate loss of self-esteem. We suddenly cease to be attractive in our own eyes and we do not care about anything for a while. We become non-persons whose value has dramatically fallen. Yet we would still be very desirable to an awful lot of other people. At these times, it is pointless telling someone to 'snap out of it' or that 'things will get better'. Their sense of exclusion and lack of belonging mean that they cannot see what well meaning advisers can!. They have to go through a painful period of denial, acknowledgement, acquiescence and finally full acceptance of their situation before they can begin to come to terms with the loss and rebuild their self-esteem.
Some people never reach this third stage of acceptance and remain bitter and vengeful for years. They cling to the past because the memories are so painful they are difficult to relinquish. The present means little to them because the past remains unresolved. By hanging on to the pain, as hurtful as it might be, they still have a 'cause', a status and a 'good reason' to do nothing to change their situation. However, along the way they lose their sense of purpose in relentless negativity and create an emotional void which gradually affects their capacity to develop truly positive relationships or to trust others.
Anxious and Isolated
So, a sense of not belonging, especially with those who matter to us, destroys our confidence utterly because it is the reactions of others which moulds, confirms and maintains our self-image. Who we are and where we belong are dictated by our cultural history, individual background and significant others around us and when they cease to care, so do we, which has the biggest effect on our personal value. If our loved ones do not share our perspectives, hopes or aspirations, we become more anxious, isolated and unproductive. We cannot achieve our potential because our ambition disappears too.
A sense of belonging to someone or something is therefore our greatest need. We identify a niche for ourselves, according to the roles of those around us, and take on that persona. That is why two people cannot occupy exactly the same position in any family, friendship or work unit because a sense of belonging depends on individual uniqueness. There would be problems of social and personal identity. Our own confidence is controlled by this feeling of belonging because most of our actions are geared to align with, or to disrupt, our environment, depending on our sense of security. If it is strong because we feel wanted, there are fewer hang ups, as we feel less threatened by others. If it is weak, we are plagued by insecurity and find it really hard to be positive. When we feel isolated, insecure or rejected, our self-esteem takes a nosedive.
Why Confidence Cannot be Faked
Confidence is one of those things we know greatly influence the extent of our happiness and success, but which seldom seems to come our way, no matter how hard we seek it, especially in interacting with others. Once cannot see confidence or touch it, but without this essential life ingredient, we can feel very miserable and isolated. Without it we think we're failures – life's rejects. Even more galling, everyone else seems to have this precious self-assurance, while we are left to wonder where, and how, we missed out.
For too many of us, confidence is a scarce commodity. It comes and goes in fleeting gusts and, just when we think we have it covered, it flutters away mockingly, deserting us at our most needy moments. We are left feeling either helpless, nervous, vulnerable, impotent, angry or disgusted with ourselves – in a state of depression brought on by what we think we should have done but didn't. Confidence dictates the quality, timing and effectiveness of our actions. It also affects the tone of our voice, what we actually say and the impression we ultimately give.
Real confidence cannot be faked. It affects us from the time we are very young and has to be nurtured and maintained by others around us. False assurance is what we give to ourselves when we are unable to get any reinforcement or positive feedback from the people who matter. It bolsters our ego and self-esteem temporarily but it can be easily knocked away at the slightest negative reaction, leaving us feeling bare and weak.
Real confidence comes through recognition and encouragement of our actions by ourselves and our peers in a kind of 50/50 split. The acknowledgment and reinforcement of our peers is an important tonic to our identity and self-esteem. If we know we are good at something because of our self-belief and the way we are regarded and reinforced by others, it will take a great deal to change that opinion. If our self-perception is never confirmed by others, especially the ones who matter who matter, we will be always insecure, never sure of ourselves. That is why it can be difficult to get over a relationship when it breaks. It doesn't matter how many other people fancy us at that moment. All that matters to us then is the one we have parted from and, unless they are responding positively, we simply feel like crap!
Deviance and Anger
A child who is told repeatedly he is good for nothing turns into a man who believes he is worthless, useless and has no talent. He may try harder to carve his own future in a competitive arena by utilising any encouragement given to him in later life. But he is likely to be either apathetic, lacking the necessary confidence to make the right decisions for a successful existence or just happy to settle for what he can get.
Worse still, he could decide that, if he is already worthless, he cannot change, so he might as well be deviant or 'bad', an attitude which does not depend on the approval of others and which actively creates conflicting situations he can easily control. If he chooses this way, he will carry that anger against others with him and his new false assurance will encourage negative actions which will be channeled towards his environment and community, or even himself. It is not so difficult to see the important role confidence has in our growth and development.
But what exactly is this confidence? Where does it come from and does it really exist?
Confidence is hard to quantify, and equally hard to describe in detail, but it is real enough. It is determined by three basic elements: our level of achievement, our sense of belonging and our level of self-esteem. These aspects, which form a highly personal triangle, are closely interwoven and each one affects the other two. Most important, our achievement and sense of belonging absolutely control the level of our esteem. Without both aspects being fulfilled we will always believe there is something missing from our lives and suffer a sense of inadequacy.
The Definition of Confidence
Self-confidence is essentially an attitude which allows us to have a positive and realistic perception of ourselves and our abilities. It is characterised by personal attributes such as assertiveness, optimism, enthusiasm, affection, pride, independence, trust, the ability to handle criticism and emotional maturity.
Confidence is learned, it is not inherited. If you lack confidence, it probably means that, as a child, you were criticised, undermined, or suffered an inexplicable tragic loss, for which you either blamed yourself or were blamed by others. A lack of confidence isn’t necessarily permanent but it can be if it isn’t addressed. Our religion, the influence of the culture which formed our perspectives, our gender, social class and our parents, in particular, are all factors which influence and contribute to our level of confidence and esteem.
Confident people have deep faith in their future and can accurately assess their capabilities. They also have a general sense of control in their lives and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they desire, plan and expect, no matter what the foreseeable obstacle. But this faith is guided by more realistic expectations so that, even when some of their goals are not met, those with confidence continue to be positive, to believe in themselves and to accept their current limitations with renewed energy. However, having high self-confidence does not mean they will be able to do everything they want. That view is unrealistic, one for the perfectionists. A desire to be good at everything we do in order to impress others stems from a competitive instinct and lack of personal reinforcement. Any truly successful life has both rewards and the ability to learn from any setbacks, which increase our resilience, self- belief and determination. Real confidence requires that we face the possibility of failure constantly and deal with it. However, if we consistently lose out on both achievement and validation, even our identity is called into question.
Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself. It is based upon how you perceive your value as a person, particularly with regard to the work you do, your status, achievements, purpose in life, your perceived place in the social order, potential for success, strengths and weaknesses; how you relate to others and your ability to stand on your own feet. Because esteem is a perception of your worth, your own value of yourself dictates how others perceive you too. Buddhists classify low self-esteem as “a negative emotion or delusion, which exaggerates one's limitations in capacity, quality and potential for growth”. It results from having a poor self-image according to personal experience in all the elements of life mentioned above. People with poor esteem never feel in charge of their lives. They often feel like victims, or outsiders - ignored, excluded, unimportant, insignificant and unloved. As they spend their lives internalising the criticism of others, taking it to heart while searching constantly for that elusive acknowledgment, their personal assessment will reflect itself in the appraisal of others – no more, no less. But if we allow others to take control of decisions we should make, we gradually become dependent upon them too, abdicating responsibility for our lives, which tends to lead to us being doormats for other people’s benefit.
Low self-esteem usually has three sides. The first is exhibited by the individual who always seems to be the underdog, the under-achiever, the negative one who says “I couldn’t”, “I shouldn’t”, “I can’t”, “I have no choice” and “I have to”. The opposite side to that, and the second type, is the person who seems very confident superficially, a take-charge type of person, appearing to be much in control, very opinionated and often found in leadership positions. But this is usually a mask for low self-esteem because he/she is likely to be tense, serious, anxious and finicky. When things go wrong that’s when the low esteem comes to the fore. Often perfectionists, they find crises difficult to handle and tend to blame others for everything. They are usually demanding, self-centred, very independent, markedly self-sufficient in their distrust of others and slow to take criticism, instruction or direction. Locked in their own narrow world, they dread new experiences, always going by the book and resenting innovation. In effect, occupying leadership positions without being true leaders. This type of low self-esteem will often deny that anything is wrong, because their belief in being totally in charge and more competent than their bosses or subordinates, is their main protection. Yet being fully in charge of your life actually eliminates the need for anger, insecurity and the desire to judge, control or denigrate others.
Fun Seekers
The third type of personality is the one who is always seeking fun and happiness from others, especially partners and love interests. Laughter becomes a mask for the low opinion these people have of themselves, so everything is done with an emphasis on ‘fun’ to make them feel worthy - either finding it or giving it. Sensitive and thin-skinned, fun people have very low self-esteem, hiding their anxieties behind a bland mask of cheerful superficiality that tends to grate on others after a time because they don’t know when to stop being happy and playing the fool. Like the office clown who tries terribly hard to show how ‘happy’ she is, yet is anything but that; the practical joker who likes to laugh at the expense of others, particularly through racist, sexist or offensive quips – anything to feel superior; the lad who is always hanging out with friends because he cannot stand his own face or company for any length of time; the type who loves a dare, particularly in doing outrageous things, to show his bravado, talent and machismo, and the ones who boast to potential dates about being able to make them laugh and keep them happy.
In relationships, fun people find it hard to commit to others because of their acute social fears. The main desirable attribute they offer to potential partners is ‘fun’, always seeking laughter, sex and good times to hide their insecurity and pain. However, as 'fun' people always try too hard, they are in fact the most boring, mirthless people around, the type who have little humour themselves. It then becomes heavy work for their partners. This is because laughter has to be found within us. No one can make us happy, only enhance that happiness. Fun people’s method of feeling significant is to be the centre of attention in a more positive way. But, as their activity is often not genuine, more to hide their low confidence than to enhance it, their effort isn’t really effective. They never openly address their personal pain or hurt. They are reluctant to trust others and are even more reluctant to commit themselves to anyone, which makes them feel insignificant if they are not being perennially happy lads or laddettes. To behave otherwise would deny them the attention they crave.
Many people with low self-esteem gravitate towards the uniformed and public services where they can use the power invested in them, while being validated by the uniform and authority, to boost their self- confidence and ego. The strict hierarchy affords the security of a given status, reinforces the ‘traditions’ to be maintained, and the consistent feedback they require. However, that is also what makes change so difficult to introduce in these occupational fields. The fear of innovation and the lack of self-belief to carry it out foil them every time. Very confident people tend to become scientists, engineers, entrepreneurs, writers or creative, artistic types, preferring to control their own environment and destiny. The commercial, media and technology spheres also appear to provide the freedom of expression and the font of opportunity they actively seek.
How Can I Stop Worrying?
Q. "Elaine, how can I stop worrying? I wish I could put fears I have about my boyfriend cheating out of my mind. I feel I'm not good enough for him and I know there are a few women who like him. He treats me wonderfully. There is no cause for me to doubt him. But I feel sick with worry sometimes." (Khodia)
A. Let me put some questions to you, Khodia. Think about your replies carefully.
What effect has worrying had on what you might worry about? Be honest here. Has worrying made them any better? Has worrying given you the result you wanted? Has worrying made you FEEL any better?
The TWO main reasons why we worry are:
1. A lack of faith in our abilities, competence and ourselves as individuals. We were probably not reinforced as children, and constantly scolded for our mistakes, so we seek perfection in everything we do, instead of relaxing and letting life take its course. In the process, we worry constantly about the consequences when things do not conform to expectations. This doesn't help because worry only keeps us from taking action.
2. We wish to control everything on our path. But when we just let go we are then in for some BIG surprises. We do not have all the answers to our lives. So the more we worry, the more we stop things from happening, while we become fearful and negative in the process.
Let's look at the facts.
He fell in love with YOU, no one else.
He acts as if he loves you.
You love him too and want him in your life.
Though you 'feel' inadequate, you seem to be enough for him.
It means that if he wanted someone else, he would not be with you, so you can't blame him for anything yet. He CHOSE you, Khodia. Why should he go after someone else? The main problem lies with your self-esteem. You don't think you are worthy and that will cause you a lot of pain if any of your relationships break, because you are depending on someone else for your happiness and affirmation instead of yourself.
Worry indicates a lack of confidence coupled with a desire for perfection and a fear of making mistakes. FEAR is at the root of it all. Once you let go of that fear and begin to appreciate people, to value love and GRATITUDE, life opens up for you. It means doing your best and damn the consequences; to feel proud of who you are and go for it. But that takes a while to develop when your resources are low and your desire for approval is high. Worrying is not good, as it is likely to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy which you would have brought into effect all by yourself! Your worrying will soon irritate him and drive him away to someone more confident and appealing.
Learn to love yourself, Khodia; to accept yourself as you are. Learn to know yourself too and where you're heading and you will stop worrying about your boyfriend. You will slowly realise that if, or when, he leaves you, there is likely to be someone better waiting, because you deserve it. You are acting as if he is the only man on earth because you don't love yourself enough. You feel he is the best you can get. But that's all in your head, caused by low self-esteem.
He might be the icing on your cake for now, but YOU are the cake, Khodia. Start giving yourself some slack and appreciating the unique person you are. Begin to show appreciation for all your blessings by looking outward to others instead of merely focusing negatively on yourself and you won't feel so helpless. You will find that things will come into perspective and your fear will ease. You'll be grateful for what you have and make the most of it instead of reducing its value and taking it for granted.
There are tons of men out there for you and that's what you should begin to tell yourself daily. The more confident and self loving you are, the more attractive you will seem to them. If all you do is worry, you will become increasingly unhappy and unattractive. You will also begin to mistrust your boyfriend, and where there is mistrust, that's a shaky relationship in the making. Mistrust and fear are not the basis for any relationship. They only breed jealousy, insecurity and accusations.
There is nothing attractive about fear, Khodia. It's love which makes us shine. The day you can say to yourself, "So what if he fancies someone else? He can bugger off," is the day you realise who you are, and the day you truly start to love both yourself and your boyfriend. Fear isn't love, it's control and soon becomes claustrophobic. When we truly love it is unconditional upon whatever the other person does. True love means that you don't spend time worrying about his actions. You just enjoy every moment of his company and give thanks that someone who loves you is actually in your life cherishing you and caring for you. Gradually, nothing else should matter except reciprocating that love.
Khodia, your boyfriend is already reinforcing your value to him. When will you stop knocking yourself and reinforce his judgement of you?
What is Happiness?
I once told a fellow whom I loved that his love for me was the icing on the cake, but the love for myself was the cake itself! I was supremely happy with me as I was, and any other attention, though most welcomed, I regarded mainly as a bonus, not the main course. He was rather surprised by my statement, interpreting it that I didn't really love him, but it was actually the opposite. I was able to love him lots through loving me first.
I didn't always feel like this. My self-love has been a gradual and painful process. Loving myself as I do, I could appreciate him as a whole being with all his faults and facets and allow space for us both to develop as individuals and as a couple. If I were expecting his love to make me happy, we wouldn't really last too long because one or both of us would gradually become dependent upon the other, clinging like limpets for our happiness until the relationship becomes claustrophobic or the victim of resentment and jealousy.
Someone to complete us
I have noticed that too many people seeking partners tend to say that they are seeking someone to 'make' them 'laugh' or to make them 'happy'. Yet every relationship should have two 100% whole people, not two halves seeking someone else to complete them! We are all seeking happiness of one kind or another. That is essential to our well being. But that vague, yet important, state of existence - happiness - which we often associate with people and material things, appears to be the bane of our lives. We never seem to have enough happiness at all. It seems to be always elusive, even when we actually possess everything we desire. But no one, or any external thing, can ever make us truly happy because happiness is not a destination which we work towards. We cannot postpone happiness until we get that new job, that new house or that new man or woman.
Happiness is a state of mind based on our sense of worth; a feeling which we generate whenever we wish according to the level of self-love we possess and the positivity in our lives. If we feel great, we are unstoppable. It takes little to make us happy because happiness becomes integral to our lives. We feel good about ourselves so we feel good about others and our world. If we feel little love for ourselves, especially when we have not been treated appreciatively, or with any value in our lives, happiness will continue to elude us. We will always feel cheated in some way - unwanted, insignificant and excluded.
Happiness is the greatest indicator that we are happy with our bodies, identities and progress. We tend to see the world as a 'challenge' as opposed to it being a 'problem'. Others can share that happiness, perhaps enhance it in some way, or even reduce it temporarily, but they cannot create or maintain it for us. Only we can do that. We have to feel happy in the first place; we have to be able to possess that happiness before someone else can share it.
Misery forever
That is why people who tend to be the miserable type remain like that forever, even if they feel momentarily 'happy' through an external source. Such a state is not permanent because it is not based on self-love. It is generated by someone else. So when that person withdraws, the pain of rejection becomes doubly hard to bear and even confirms their 'unwanted' state. As soon as there is a problem, or the honeymoon stage is over, they slip back into the old ways of sadness or complaining because unhappy people are usually unhappy with themselves and their world. They will remain in that state forever if they do not make a serious effort to change from within and recognize the magnificent unique individuals they are.
How do you feel inside you today? Is your happiness dependent upon someone else's attention or behaviour? Does it depend on the next event or the next exciting possession? Or is that actually masking what would really make you happy?
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How HAPPY are YOU? Try our simple HAPPINESS QUIZ to test how you feel about yourself just now. Being unhappy robs you of opportunities and success. How do you REALLY feel now?
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Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DIVERSITY, CAREERS, DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.
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Confidence Killer 2: The Search for PERFECTION
If we knew that today would be the very last day for us, we would pull out all the stops to do the things we have longed for and hadn't done, or to remedy a personal wrong. Yet we treat each day with impunity every time we use the past to negatively dictate present actions.
You should be saying to yourself every morning: Today is a new day and I am fortunate to see it. Yesterday is gone. I can do nothing about it and tomorrow might never come. I will live today to the fullest because it could be my last. It might surprise you how much could be achieved in your life with such a positive perspective because you will take nothing for granted. However, some people are still reluctant to make the most of their day because they want a perfect time to do it.
One of the biggest confidence killers is our desire to be perfect beings. But the real question is: When we have reached perfection, what happens next? Where else do we go? Do we stop dead? Do we say: that's enough? Do we cease to grow and develop, fossilising where we are? There is nothing beyond perfection but a vast chasm of inactivity and stagnation. Perfection allows us to put off decisions we should make immediately so that we don't have to do anything at all. Behind the interminable wait for the 'right' time is an unconscious desire to do nothing, because some good fortune (or someone) will come along to put it right and everything will be exactly as we hoped without us having to lift a finger!
Ruled by Fear
However, every time we put off a decision till the time is 'right', or until conditions are 'perfect', we mentally store it away and do nothing because we are being ruled by fear. We may pretend we are doing all we can to bring about a result, but the very act of procrastination, of needless delay, is an admission of our reluctance to see it through; a powerful pointer to our inner fears of both failure and its consequences, of our discomfort with the thought and our unpreparedness for it. On these occasions, 'good' reasons are mere excuses and they are never in short supply.
Anything to be done must be done TODAY, not tomorrow or next year, but today, even if it is only the first step in the process. By taking the necessary steps toward our desires, other things will fall into place. Even if it is to talk it over with someone, that is one step taken. At least we can have another opinion from someone encouraging. It is foolhardy to put off something until next week when, realistically, we may not be around then. We could have gone to meet our Maker! Our circumstances could change dramatically in so many ways: a lot being possible in an hour, let alone a week. Unless we are planning a particular campaign, where other elements have to be included over a specific time, there is no reason to delay.
When we knowingly put off actions we believe we have to take, we are really admitting that we haven't got the necessary confidence or courage to carry them out. By convincing ourself there is a perfect time for action, we fail to achieve what we want tomorrow because we never make a start today! As our achievements diminish through inaction, we become more and more demoralised, devalued and detached from reality.
Perfectionism prevents us from coping with setbacks too. We find it difficult to deal with negative results because we expect to get it right first time. We do not allow for mistakes either. Yet it is through mistakes that we advance to present positions. Without mistakes we would not be sure we were doing the right thing, but many get hung up on personal mistakes and extend this intolerance to colleagues and subordinates, becoming harshly critical when they make mistakes too.
The Need for Excellence
We do avoid more mistakes as we become experienced, but our fallibility ensures that we are forever growing, developing and always aiming for new heights of attainment, I:e excellence, which is achieved mainly through much experiment and repetition. We all can excel at what we do because there is no perfect position. No matter what we have achieved, it is guaranteed that, over time, someone else will improve on it or replace it totally with something more exciting and wondrous.
The desire to be perfect keeps us in a rigid straitjacket giving us a tunnel vision which excludes everything to the left and right of us while we concentrate intently on what is directly ahead. Because this vision is so limited, we cannot see all round. We miss other available opportunities, while others - not being so cursed - take the very chances we fail to see. The capacity for human endeavour and achievement is limitless. The minute we wait for a perfect time to play our hand, or tell ourselves we cannot do a simple action, we have limited our ability and handed over our opportunity to someone else. Being ruled by our thoughts, we would have already set in motion a cycle of underachievement and failure, restricting our aspirations and mobility in one fell swoop.
If we are not perfect, we will accept that there will be detours (setbacks) in our lives and, every one of them are for very good reasons not immediately apparent to us. We should regard those detours as temporary disappointments and use them to our advantage because they will certainly become instrumental in strengthening our resolve, clarifying the issues and deciding our next move.
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How Do I Develop Self Love?
