People & Dating

Other Articles on this page.
*3 Deadly Sins That Prevent Us Finding Soulmates (Part 2)
*Why falling in Love is Not so Easy
*The Love of My Life
*The Essential Art of Good Conversation
*Why Friendship and Dating do Not go Together

3 Deadly Sins That Prevent Us Finding Soulmates (Part 1)

My advert was quite clear: I wanted "a slim, non-smoker and single man, preferably under 200 lbs in weight". I weigh 138 lbs so allowing up to an extra 62 lbs in a partner (over 4 stones) was pretty generous, I thought. How many men would look at a 200 lbs woman? Not many, I'm sure! A quick scan of the male personal adverts confirmed this - hardly anyone wanted women who weighed more than 150 lbs. Most desired their soulmates to be under 135 lbs! So there goes at least 90% of women.

I felt sure my clear requirements would weed out the unsuitable ones to avoid time wasting and allow greater choice from those who matched up. Fine hope, as it turned out to be. Men weighing over 210 lbs, fully married and smoking, for good measure, thought they fitted the bill! The general attitude was that I didn't mean what I stated, so they felt they could stop smoking, slim down or even leave their wives for me, as I seemed to be 'worth it'. Glib words masking an air of desperation and a lack of personal standards for something so important as a future partner. Some appeared to expect a woman to accept anyone just because she is single and older. Others thought they'd try their hand at something 'different' and 'exotic'! I was not impressed.

Flawed, Exciting and Happy
Our personality and perceptions are formed mainly by our background, culture and beliefs. If a person seems wanting in certain key respects, they will remain that way, no matter how much they try to please, because any change would merely be temporary to get what they want, unless they truly believe the change to be beneficial. So I have no desire to change anyone to suit me. I have gradually discovered that the best partners are those who love and appreciate themselves as they are and who are proud of their personality and identity.

If they are appealing to us, true love accepts that person, warts and all. People who are happy inside their own skins are more likely to appreciate others too and make allowances in expectation and behaviour. So, what you see is what you truly get and, for the person who likes that, it is sheer WOW! Better to be who you are: flawed, exciting and happy - than to try to be perfect and unhappy for someone else who might soon get tired of the new, fawning you!

Since I have been seeking a new soulmate, I have noticed a few hidden trends in the mating game, which many people are not even aware of, and which prevent both men and women from finding their ideal partners. There are lots of reasons why people do not hook up together easily, despite the zillions of pubs, dance clubs, dating agencies, mingle parties, speed dating and website opportunities available; reasons which keep people chasing their ideal without ever catching him/her. I have listed here 3 of the most popular gaffes and turn-offs in the search for ideal mates.

Which ones are you guilty of? They could be getting in the way of your love life and personal happiness.

No.3. Irrelevant Search Criteria
It seems that men's three essential requirements of women relate to height (they mustn't be taller!), hair colour (very sad when most hair colours come out of a bottle these days) and the right looks. Other stereotypes and fetishes abound. Some men want women to dress mainly in 'leather', to look good in 'a little black number' or to be mad about shoes. For women it seems to relate to height (men must be taller!), age (usually younger than 45) and weight. Most people go on looks, primarily, but pretend looks do not matter. Yet it does! It is the most important thing in the attraction process because until a person opens his/her mouth, we won't find the 'inner' facets we seek.

Anyone saying looks don't matter is either in denial because they do not feel attractive, or deep in some other world! We cannot appreciate the inner strengths, beauty and spirituality of a person unless we are drawn to them physically. But it is not just a question of being 'handsome' or 'beautiful' in the predictable sense, because that is culturally referenced. It is essentially whether the person carries features we actually find appealing .. that unknown 'chemistry' .. no matter how 'attractive' or wonderful she/he might appear to someone else.

I remember excitedly reading the requirements of a guy who matched me on at least 26 out of 30 criteria. And was getting ready to contact him when I saw his final exclusion: he didn't want anyone 'Black'. I thought 'your loss, mate'. We appeared to have a mutual basis for kicking off a solid relationship .. superficially we both sought similar things and shared the same values. But his prejudice and insecurity got in the way. Better to not put anything potentially offensive like a colour preference which lessens the responses and reduces the available pool.

It is much better to select once you have seen or spoken to that person. You are then likely to be surprised. If he hadn't put that unnecessary exclusion, we might even have liked one another. Equally offensive is the person who believes they are doing you a favour by proclaiming proudly how they like ONLY a certain colour man or woman, like you! There is nothing more patronising or limiting, especially when everyone is unique and should not be judged purely by their race/culture.

The last time I was told by a White male that he 'adored' Black women and prefer to date only such women, he was surprised when I replied: "Good thing I don't prefer Black men then, otherwise we would not even be talking!" and promptly left him to someone else. He could not understand why I would feel offended, as he expected me to regard it as a compliment! Try to steer clear of narrow-minded and short-sighted people who judge on colour lines. They tend to be low in self-esteem, are terribly insecure and likely to be perfectionists who are difficult to please; people who truly believe that what they seek can only be provided by a certain rigid type. No one should compromise or devalue their colour to please anyone else, as it would not make them happy. They will always feel inferior and spend their lives apologising for who they are!

3 Deadly Sins Which Prevent Us Finding Soulmates (Part 2)

No.3. Irrelevant Search Criteria Please see Part 1

No.2. A Lack of Courtesy, Effort and Social Skills
Common courtesy seems to be escaping many people, women in particular, in responding to approaches. Many professional and articulate women are registered on websites, or they deliberately go to pubs and clubs, to SEEK partners. Despite current emphasis on equality, we still expect men to make the first move. However, when they overcome their fear and shyness to do so, we tend to give them short shrift, especially if they do not look like the ideal or do not say what we want to hear! Amazing what a simple 'No, thank you, but I am flattered by your interest' can do to let someone down gently and reinforce their value and dignity. More difficult suitors can be kept at bay with the exciting news that you have 'just met someone else and would like to follow that through before pursuing any other interest' .. a favourite for unwanted and persistent attention! They never know if it is true or not but it is a powerful lever to have.

The top need for people of Britain in a Channel 4 TV nationwide poll of 'new commandments' was: 'Treating people the way I wish to be treated'. If we do not expect people to ignore us, to be rude and to be boorish, then we shouldn't act that way ourselves. One insecure 40 year old woman used to criticise all men who made a pass at her, or even said hello. She immediately judged them in all sorts of aspects without ever taking the trouble to simply get to know them first. She was very attractive and got a lot of attention, initially, until the men became discouraged trying to match her impossible standards and general disrespect. 'Courtesy costs nothing, give generously', as they say. Being a positive force, it is guaranteed to make that person's day in some way and reinforce the kind of desirable behaviour we all seek.

However, even worse than courtesy is weak conversational and interactive skills! Men and women, having got more equality down the years, have become more unequal in knowing the rudiments of social protocol and how to treat one another with confidence, courtesy and respect, especially when making the first contact through simple conversation. This is usuallly stilted and one-sided, with one person talking too much, or hardly any questions being asked. Yet only questions supply answers, not just making statements. A good conversation will not only demonstrate genuine interest but is also an important source for getting to know that person and providing clues to personal preferences which can progress the friendship further.

No.1. Unrealistic Expectations:
The biggests obstacle to successful relationships. How often have you heard that someone is only seeking 'fun' or 'friendship first' before a relationship? These are both highly unreal expectations. First of all, 'fun' is natural and automatic when you are IN a relationship and clearly enjoying yourself with that special person. It is the greatest joy and excitement there is and cannot be sought at will or fabricated to suit. Real fun is part and parcel of a great match and entirely automatic. Usually a desire for 'fun' by itself means either just a sexual friendship or a liaison with no commitment.

Few women are ever happy with just fun/sex or no strings, unless they too are full of fear. As highly emotional beings, allowing sex with someone else is, to them, an indicator of their desirability, worth and value. With no follow-up in terms of commitment, they begin to doubt that value and eventually feel resentful and used, even if they were happy to go along with 'just fun' initially. Unlike many men, very few women simply desire sex. The hope is always that a sexual or 'fun' relationship will turn into something else more lasting. And the older the age group the more likely this will be. But such 'fun' situations seldom last because fear usually gets in the way. As to 'friendship', when we are seeking partners, attraction comes first and foremost. When we get to know the person better, or we are no longer physically attracted to them, another kind of understanding and friendship develops. It is not possible for pure friendship to exist, at first, between two individuals who are drawn together as potential mates. It is pie-in-the-sky to expect just 'friendship' when a sexual attraction exists. Any talk of a platonic 'friendship' in this case usually suits only one person, never both, and one who wishes to have their cake and eat it!

Quite simply, such 'friendship' really means they would like you around them as much as possible, but on their terms. Yet nothing is more painful and soul-destroying than to see a potential lover giving their love to someone else – the love you might crave – while they talk of being 'friends' with you! It is guaranteed to lower your sense of worth and esteem and keep you in a constant state of yearning. Another extension of the 'friendship' ideal relates to Internet dating where there is much promise of 'being friends' afterwards if a meeting does not lead to loving. That seldom works either because of the acute disappointment that ensues which follows high expectations when the parties do not click. (See my other article Why Friendship and Dating Do Not Go Together)

Yet another unrealistic expectation is for finding 'happiness'. But no other person can make us happy. True happiness comes from within which we then share with someone else once we meet them. If we are miserable old goats, we stay just like that after the honeymoon is over, and if we are bright extroverts, that's how we'll remain too. As I have said in my book, Money, Sex & Compromise, others can only enhance what we have within us, they cannot provide it! In fact, it is when we are truly happy with, and also love, ourselves that we begin to attract the type of person we seek - through the natural Law of Attraction - and are able to love another in every sense of the word.

Why falling in Love is Not so Easy

What are the ingredients that make the ultimate romantic experience possible? What are some folks missing which prevent them from actually reaching that highly-desired goal at any time in their lives?

Well, it could be four crucial things, actually:
1. Self-Love
2. Expressiveness
3. Emotional Openness
4. Faith in the Future

Self-Love
The most important factor when we are hoping to fall in love is self-love. If we need someone to 'complete' our life instead of to enhance it, someone to 'make' us happy, instead of sharing our happiness or someone to make us feel good instead of sharing our joy, we have a problem with self-love. In fact, a lack of self-love is the biggest cause of personal problems in our life because too many people readily carry that burden. They do not like themself and dislike certain key aspects of their bodies, but then, paradoxically, expect others to like what they reject!! That is not possible. We can only truly love when we ourselves have love because the greatest love is not waiting outside to find us. It actually lies dormant inside of us, yearning to be discovered and nurtured. Everything else is just the icing on the cake, but YOU are that cake! And a delicious one too. When that fact is fully realised, acknowledged and accepted, you are well on the road to giving love and loving another unconditionally. Above all, you will find it really easy to fall in love with all the fanfare and starlight you dream of.

But loving the self is not so easy to do when we have had little reinforcement of our worth since childhood, or we get little affirmation from work, home or loved ones, and if we are always taken for granted or ignored. We then tend to feel unwanted, unappreciated and invisible. If we have also been hurt a number of times, it reinforces all those unsavoury experiences. Difficult to love that little self when no one else seems to love it! But self-love is the most important thing we have to work for in our lives, especially if we wish to get rid of unnecessary anxieties, to grow with confidence in who we are, to lead independent lives without clinging to another and to feel worthy of the life we have.

Self-love comes from two things, above all: knowing who you are and knowing what you want, and making sure they stand out clearly to everyone you meet. Those who are seeking what you have to give will be joyful while making you even happier. It also means that you will only attract people who love those traits about you. The others will stay away, which dramatically cuts down the time-wasting in trying to select suitable partners. It makes the chance of you falling in love much higher and you won't ever have to apologise for who you are and wish to be. Moreover, if you do not know what you want in your life, you won't be able to recognise it when you see it. You have to be sure of it to know it!

So, the first lesson in both confidence and setting the scene for falling in love is to BE who you are, LOVE who you are and don't worry about who might not respond positively because those who like what they see will flock to you. Moreover, when we merely try to please others, we give mixed messages, we go against what we value and end up pleasing no one, least of all ourselves!

Expressiveness
Many of us find it difficult to be expressive, to communicate easily, to say how we really feel, to express what might be hurting us or to give life to those cherished dreams. But being expressive is a key part of falling in love. Through communication, your partner knows what you desire, what makes you happy, what you are enjoying about the contact, how you are feeling and what you really like about them too. It cannot be taken for granted or merely implied. Falling in love means you want to shout your feelings from the roof tops and do just that!

A lack of expressiveness comes through low confidence and a desire to please - mainly for approval. We tend to feel we do not merit being heard or that what we have to say is not that important enough for others so we keep it repressed while we miss opportunities for enjoyable activities. If we have been hurt, expression then becomes a form of repressed anger and resentment instead of love. This attitude also tends to carry over into our loving. We become mean with praise and appreciation, and seldom affirm our partners, yet yearn for that reinforcement ourselves, even feeling peeved when we don't get it. For example, how often, as women, do we want to hear that we look great when we are dressed or on a date, yet how regularly do we reciprocate in kind? We are likely to believe that any praise of our partners is not deserved. And why not? Is a relationship for punishment and negativity?

Most people who lack confidence depend on others to validate them, to affirm that they are worthy. They are unlikely to believe it themselves, so they deny expression and key communication in order to either avoid 'saying the wrong thing', or 'upsetting anyone'. They hope that by not saying anything they will win people over and make a better impression, but it often has the opposite effect of robbing that person of credibility and impact. In fact, not expressing our honest thoughts merely confirms perceptions, gives the wrong impressions and creates misunderstandings.

Emotional Openness
Having passionate and wonderful love affairs in a heart-stopping way contains deep affection which comes through unconditional expressiveness and emotional openness. Yet, when we are hurt (which is a fact of life, nothing unusual!) we tend to retreat inwards, becoming wary of any future liaison. We lock down the emotional hatches while we grow cold and detached, more vulnerable, victim-like and introspective. We find excuses not to be involved or to fall for someone, yet that is the time to put the experience squarely behind you, learn to from it and move on as quickly as possible. Not to dwell on it in a powerless state of resentment. Otherwise, you will become more angry and develop a scapegoat mentality, one which denies everyone else you meet their individuality as you gradually blame them by proxy.

If you feel vulnerable and powerless after any hurt, resist it. Vulnerability comes through fear - a fear of the future, the inability to accept the uniqueness of others and letting them prove themselves to us. And wherever there is undue fear there is enforced coldness, detachment and a lack of enjoyment. Yet, falling in love has warmth and love at its core. We cannot fall in love without emotions, and open ones too. We have to be prepared to GIVE unconditionally in order to feel those wonderful vibes. Anything else will be luke-warm.

If we are grudging in our emotions, the communication will falter or be superficial, and we really won't get what we seek. Any fear means we cannot be expressive, we are not able to trust, we cannot let go and we cannot enjoy because we are concentrating so much upon avoiding the possible hurt, we completely miss the pleasure that comes BEFORE any hurt, while turning our fears into self-fulfilling prophecies! In the end, you might not get hurt, as you jealously guard that vulnerability, but you will not have much pleasure either and remain fossilised in the same spot, going nowhere, doing nothing new while becoming increasingly unattractive in the process.

Faith in the Future
Faith in the future is crucial for new relationships. We have to resist controlling every movement in order to be surprised by what life might have in store for us. People who feel 'vulnerable', who feel powerless, who are always worrying about what they might 'lose' and how they might be viewed and treated, find it hard to be expressive, trusting and passionate because they have to control everything to feel good. They tend to resist the future, immediate and long-term, in case they are hurt again. Having little faith in their future, they tend to take more than they give, to be cynical of the motives of others. They are also likely to fear commitment and so will seldom experience the joy of falling in love through their inability to let go and live their life spontaneously. Being so busy trying to control its direction, they simply rob their life of its emotion, joy and spontaneity.

The best way to approach any relationship is to be prepared for both pleasure and pain. The two are crucial sides of the same coin and you cannot have one without the other. People who fear pain live in an unrealistic world of feckless emptiness and fear, seeking only pleasure without the costs or consequences. But there is ALWAYS a price to pay in life for whatever we have, whether good or bad, that's Nature's way of establishing balance, and the more we accept that death is as much an integral part of life as rebirth, the more happiness we will find. There is always great enjoyment when you simply accept the moment AS IT IS, no matter how long it lasts. There is ALWAYS a better moment round the corner, believe me, so it is useless fretting over this one. For many women (and a lot of men too) it is insecurity and a lack of self-love which prevent them from really enjoying their lives, so they burden every new partner and date with their unrealistic anxieties and expectations in their search for perfection. They carry around their baggage of hurt expecting to be hurt again and, surprise, surprise, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Simply love yourself and be warm, kind and compassionate to the next person you meet. It really pays dividends. Express yourself freely and affirm others at every opportunity. Be open with your emotions and less controlling of yourself and others. That allows for some great surprises. Be easier on yourself by reducing your fears and welcoming love into your life. Falling in love will not only be easy, it will also be a real cinch because you would have already laid the crucial groundwork for attracting that ideal partner!

The Love of My Life

I have fallen deeply in love three times during my life so far and they were all intense affairs that ended with unresolved feelings. The first time was with my ex-husband. It lasted 33 years and was a rollercoaster of incredible proportions, marked by some great loving, caring and appreciation at the beginning, with resentment, anger and frustration at the end. When we finally parted there was still a lot of attraction but much sadness between us.

Halfway through my marriage, during a particularly rocky time of womanising by my partner, especially with my best friend, I took refuge with my sister abroad and fell instantly in love with someone I didn't even want to meet. George was incredible in his adoration of me and, though I too was deeply attracted, I was not yet mature enough to deal with this sudden onslaught of new emotions. My Catholic upbringing also ensured that a stamp of disapproval would have been placed on anything that might have developed and I retreated in some confusion. I had no intention of leaving my marriage and the U.K., and thus ignored my feelings – with some difficulty, despite George being steadfast in his pursuit of me. He even flew unexpectedly all the way from Canada to prise me away with a proposal in the classroom where I was teaching! Having seen his perceived ideal, he was not going to relinquish her easily.

Though he was very resourceful and caring, I don't think I was looking for another partner at that time. I didn't know it then, but I was suffering from the classic form of rejection. I welcomed affirmation and attention, but got much more than I bargained for! From Canada he pursued me for a few years until he realised I was not going to budge. Twenty-five years later, when I was single again, this fascinating man would, once more, unexpectedly declare his love for me. But I do not believe in going backwards in time and, as flattered as I was, I had already learnt the lesson he taught me. As a result, I left well alone.

And then there was David.

Unfinished Business
I knew him for only two years of my life, after leaving my marriage, and fought off his attentions for three months before agreeing to meet him, but he has had the most profound effect on me since, much more than I can ever comprehend. I suppose we have some unfinished business because when we 'parted' it was in the most loving way possible. The moment was not an ideal one for us to fall in love because of our circumstances, but one can never dictate what will happen next in one's life. So I accept it with grace and gratitude because he came into my life at precisely the right moment.

For me, David is the love of my life. He inspired my first book on relationships (Money, Sex and Compromise) but, even more so, he inspired this important one too. If I were to score him using the 10 Steps in this book, he would get at least eight, as well as scoring 90 per cent as regards satisfying my top five values! No one else I have met has come even close to that. In fact, we liked doing quizzes and always scored very highly with regard to one another, even when we completed them separately. I recall writing in my diary one day that, 'David is 10 per cent short of heaven'! I was incredibly happy during our friendship, just wanting to smile all the time, feeling alive and fulfilled. In short, he came close to being what I regard as MY ideal soulmate, and might well, unconsciously, act as a litmus test for any others to come.

Tall, slim, distinguished and good-looking, resilient, brainy and very successful, David was in a class of his own because he knew who he was and revelled in being himself (Step One). Professionally, he knew what he wanted (Step Two) and was working steadfastly towards attaining it. He also knew what he stood for, and could defend it with passion (Step Three), but was happy enough in hs own skin to allow me to be what I wanted too without feeling threatened.

I remember the discussions we had regarding the Iraq War (he was for, I was against). I had a counterpoint for every point he made and he often found it frustrating when he failed to affect my views on the possible outcomes. However, at the end of each 'debate', after agreeing to differ, he would hug me, look deeply into my eyes, tell me how 'beautiful and intelligent' I was, and that he just wanted to love me. It was an amazing relationship of reciprocity, mutual reinforcement and mutual affirmation.

Intense Bonding
Best of all, David fulfilled the three main areas of attraction almost 100 per cent (Step Four). The physical chemistry between us was often so overpowering, we just wanted to touch and hold each other all the time. As he said, we were like 'two magnets' unable to keep themselves apart from one another, feelings that generated great passion and excitement between us. The emotional bonding being unusually deep, it fuelled an intense desire to communicate (Step Five) and connect with each other at every possible moment. We spent hours on the telephone each day. Even when I went to visit my sisters in Jamaica for four weeks, the calls continued almost daily. By the last week of my holiday, he was missing me so much the length if the calls had stretched to over an hour each day!

The intellectual fit between us was also outstanding too – an engineer with his logical and analytical approach, firmly rooted in inanimate form and structure, matched easily with the social fixer, her love of people and adept skills in social interaction. We complemented each other superbly in many other ways.

He liked to challenge my views on fate, destiny and spirituality, in order to gain a greater understanding of them and to convince himself of their worth, while I also challenged his seemingly cold, mechanical and pragmatic view of the world. Considering that we were both in our mid-50s, and virtually 'chalk and cheese', this was some incredible, unexpected love affair across cultures, across race and across perspectives.

We behaved like teenagers, enveloped in the sheer joy and passion of such a satisfying relationship – a kind only dreamt of at this late stage of our lives.

Fantastic Warmth
We had few expectations of each other (Step Four), allowing for individual growth and the unfolding of our characters without seeking to change anything in one another. We accepted our faults and foibles as part of the overall attraction, They were key parts of our personalities, which made us the unique people we were. We also liked the flexibility to appreciate the imperfect within us.

David was the most skilled listener I had ever come across (Step Five), and seemed to truly revel in his curiosity. He never forgot anything he heard and was always back with a follow-up question. He took great pride, and a keen interest, in my work and my aspirations, always wanting to know the details of my day, or the state of my latest project. Nothing was too good to do for me or to give me. He also liked to suggest an alternative solution to any dilemma, especially if he felt I needed one.

We respected and trusted each other greatly (Step Nine), and often discussed former partners and what they had taught us. There was also his wonderful, dead-pan sense of humour (Step Four), his devilish chuckle and mesmerising green eyes – but that’s another story! I felt truly wanted, appreciated and loved.....

Excerpt from 10 Easy Steps to...Finding Your Ideal Soulmate! (Taken from the Introduction)

A man at a club once said that he didn’t ask me to dance because he feared rejection. But he lost the possibility of acceptance too by doing nothing!

Another day, I was in the local car park in my town and saw a shy-looking man standing by his car gazing at me intently. He went on his business, returned to the car park at the same time as I did, and continued to look at me, hoping I would probably indicate some form of acceptance. He was quite appealing and I exchanged eye contact but said nothing. He drove off soon afterwards, again lacking the courage to make a move towards me. I often wondered about him, who he was and where he was going, and I am sure he wondered about me too. But when we make no effort in such situations, nothing ever happens.

For this reason, for fear of our actions being misinterpreted and because of the perfection we seek, men now dance by themselves, or talk among themselves, and women do the same, each gender lacking the courage to make a move while they drift further apart in the selection process and remain on their own for much longer. In fact, at another club, a man walked in and took up a position leaning against a wall. He never left that position for the rest of the night, not even to get some drinks. He looked sad, lonely and dejected and everyone ignored him. I wondered why he bothered to come out of his house if he wanted to just exchange one wall for another! But that's what fear and low self-esteem do for us. They rob us of opportunities to join the human race.

The role of questions
Wishing, hoping and dreaming about finding our ideal partner, without any form of strategy will lead nowhere. Serious people do not leave everything to chance. They try their utmost to increase the possibilities of meeting that ideal person by doing something about it, even if it is to strike up a simple conversation. A lack of interest in others, exaggerated fears, a need for approval, a focus on ourselves and social protocol (especially for women) make it hard for us to communicate or use our initiative. But any interaction or conversation is like a game of tennis.

If the ball is held by one person and never passed back and forth, there would be no game and it would be very boring. The ball, in our quest for a partner, refers to all the questions we ask others to reflect our curiosity. With many people being rather self-centred, they cannot see that connection and so the one-way attempt at interaction makes it difficult to sustain a dialogue, let alone any kind of relationship. I was not afraid to speak to that man in the car park. I was single and available. In fact, I never engage prolonged eye-contact with anyone unless I really want to talk to them. However, even though I responded to his gaze, the social brainwashing of a man being expected to make the first move took hold of me as I looked at him and did nothing. He did nothing too. Result: Opportunity lost.

Another limiting factor is that too many people genuinely believe there is only one partner in this world who is ideal for them. But that has no basis in fact. If that were the case, we would not meet and fall in love on multiple occasions with very successful results. Our love life would be finished, once our first partner leaves the scene! It is our narrow vision of acceptability, the low expectations we carry, the lack of skills in wooing others and the preoccupation with being hurt rather than being loved, which keep us without any partners or stuck in negative relationships.

Next time you see a potential soulmate, try asking questions about them, instead of just going on about yourself, and see the huge difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLICK HERE ASK ELAINE A QUESTION NOW!

Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DIVERSITY, CAREERS, DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Maya Angelou, the writer, who said,
"We were given two hands, one to throw and one to catch."
If you find this page, or the site, useful, DO THROW SOMETHING BACK.

Please give whatever you like to keep this informative site in place. It helps to provide more answers to many more people around the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Friendship and Dating do Not go Together

How often do we hear the statement from single people looking for new dates: "I'm seeking friendship first" because they like to get to 'know' the person before delving into anything more intimate. Men in particular, who fear commitment, love to hide behind this condition, while never really achieving their aim. But is such 'friendship' possible? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Let's look at the evidence.

Once I got talking online to a seemingly kindly man who fancied me. I explained clearly on the phone that I liked his personality but not enough to take it any further and I didn't think it was a good idea to meet. He felt I was judging him from afar and that I should give him some chance to prove himself, especially when he was merely inviting me to lunch. He was sure that, if I was proved right, we could at least 'be friends'. I was not sure about that but felt I ought to give him the benefit of the doubt to meet up and allow the situation to unfold.

In the end he was old-fashioned in his views, stuck in the past wishing for the 'good old days' and rather mean in affirming people, while being quick with criticism. I didn't warm to him at all and the great personality didn't seem so great in close-up! He also kept grabbing my hand to hold it and I wasn't impressed as I dislike physical contact when I don't feel comfortable. I reminded him of what I had said on the phone and he left the date promising to be 'friends' but was noticeably peeved that I wasn't more amenable to his overtures. I never heard from him again, which did not really surprise me, because his desire for friendship was not genuine in the first place. It was a way to get nearer to me to help me change my mind about him. His ego was hurt and, as 'friendship' was not what he really sought, he didn't care to keep the connection, even though we had shared a very good rapport. And that's what happens in most instances like these. It is difficult to be friends when you fancy the person and wish to get closer to them but they are holding you at arms' length, or vice versa. It is a clear mismatch, and in any mismatch one person is losing out, so friendship isn't possible because it has an unequal and superficial foundation.

The Basis of Genuine Friendship
Genuine friendship originates from understanding another's needs and aspirations and appreciating their pain and joy. It comes out of being able to empathise with them, in both good and bad times. Such knowledge and response are not possible until one knows another for a while and feels comfortable with their presence. Thus true friendship is highly unlikely with anyone we do not know well. When it comes to members of the opposite sex, or instances where there is clear attraction, friendship is the last thing on the cards because the feelings of attraction will overwhelm all other platonic ones and get in the way of real friendship developing.

When we fancy someone we can always fool ourselves that should the fancying not prove mutual, it can then turn into friendship and everyone will be happy. But this seldom happens between two strangers seeking to be affirmed and valued by one another. In any failure to have mutual attraction, one person is bound to feel rejected and so friendship is unlikely in such a scenario because he/she will not feel motivated to get to know the other any better. Their sense of rejection will propel them elsewhere to get the affirmation they seek.

Controlling Factors
Another reason for seeking 'friendship' in the first instance is the desire for control. To prevent being 'hurt', some people believe that seeking friendship first keeps pain at bay. But if there is going to be hurt, no amount of having friendship at the beginning is going to stave off the pain. Such hurt usually comes when we are at the familiar stage in relationships; when we take each other for granted or when one or both parties begin to lose their appeal. Not at the start of the relationship. So seeking friendship first is really delaying the inevitable in a superficial way, especially where one fears commitment, and has little to do with the desire for real friendship. We cannot replace sexual feelings with friendship because friendship is enduring while fancying someone is likely to be fleeting. Putting the two together is a contradiction in itself, especially when true friendship is only possible when the heady feelings of romance have taken their course and we appreciate the person as someone truly valuable in our journey because we have grown to like/love them more.

Next time you are seeking friendship first, ask yourself why you need tons of 'friends' instead of lovers. You might be surprised by the answers you get. Not only that, look back at all the dates that have failed to live up to expectations and count up all the real friendships that emerged from them. You are likely to find that once there was any kind of rejection involved, friendship would be the last thing anyone wanted at the time!

If you like this, why not BUY A BOOK or ASK a question?

Every book or service sold helps Elaine to continue writing FREE articles and giving advice to as many people as possible at a low cost.

Could You date Someone Ugly?