We are all nervous of speaking to strangers, especially those whom we might like or fancy. There is usually some apprehension of how the other person might react, whether they might be wondering about our real motives for contact, whether we are doing the right thing in seeking a friendship with that particular person and, deep down, a fear of being ignored or rejected by them. No one likes to expose himself to the embarrassment of not having a positive response, so many people focus on the negative aspect of what might happen instead of just going for it and hoping for the best. Another important point to remember is that every time we talk to someone we are improving our communication and interactive skills. Quite simply, we learn what works for us and what doesn't. By making no effort to connect with others, we rob ourselves of that crucial experience.

All friendships start with a contact of some kind. That's the only way strangers turn into friends. If you see a girl that you like and you're not sure how to approach her, there are five key things to remember:

a. She is likely to be nervous too.

b. She might even like you too.

c. Be yourself and be honest! Don't try too hard to impress. If she doesn't like you exactly as you are it's not going to work.

d. The worst that can happen is that she ignores you or tells you 'no'. Your world won't collapse and you'll still be the same great person you are. Better still, there are tons of other girls waiting to be asked!

e. Don't forget that mutual attraction is what drives any kind of connection. If the attraction isn't there on her part, no matter what you say, it won't make a difference.

However, as an opener, the following simple steps should be helpful:

STEP 1 - It is all about confidence in the introduction. Your main aim at this stage is simply to establish a rapport between you. To feel comfortable together. Ask yourself why you wish to talk to this girl. What results do you want? What exactly are you hoping she will do in return? By visualising what you wish to happen it should give you greater confidence in making the approach. You can see the result in your head, see her smiling and talking to you already, and the power of thought is phenomenal for delivering the reality because you will begin to act in the way you wish. Before you say anything, find something about her to comment on, for example, her chain, watch, bracelet, etc.

STEP 2 - Then say something like this, with a broad smile:

"Hello, I was admiring your chain. I think it is rather lovely (or unusual). Was it a gift or did you treat yourself? Was it made in this country?"

Always end that first comment on a question. It means she has to come back at you with a reply, if she wishes too. That observation can be applied to anything: her handbag, jeans, anything you can find about which to make an interesting comment and that is not too personal.

Another question could be, "Hello, sorry to trouble you, but do you know any good coffee shops nearby? I'm parched for a drink but am new to these parts." The lost-boy look can often work wonders as you obviously need some guidance and she won't feel too vulnerable helping you. The great thing about the coffee shop question is that, if she gives you directions or volunteers to show you where it is, that's the time you can casually ask if she would like one too - the least you can do in return for her help!!

The first reply is the most crucial because the tone of her voice, whether she smiles back in return and what she actually says, will tell you if it is worth carrying on. If she is a little abrupt, impatient or doesn't smile, but is polite and answers your question, be careful in going further. But if she is keen to answer, gives added information or asks something about you, that's your cue to go with gusto.

STEP 3: Always remember that people love to talk about themselves so try to listen more than you talk and ask questions wherever possible. The more you listen and ask questions (about her hobbies, interests, leisure, studies etc.) is the more she is likely to feel relaxed and comfortable with you, to trust you more and to see the possibilities for herself too. Moreover, you will also be learning whether she is really the right type for you and how comfortable you are in her presence. Humour is always welcomed too so keep it light at this stage.

STEP 4: At some point casually mention that you have an online presence (like Facebook, MySpace or Twitter) and ask if she has too and can you link up there? By offering online information first it appears more detached, matter-of-fact and not too pushy or desperate. If she seems receptive then you could add that you you have enjoyed the chat so much, would she mind exchanging emails to continue it? If she does not react as you expect, then emphasise being friends online and leave it to her to make contact again. If she does give you her email you could immediately move to the next stage, getting her number with this line of humour, and with another big smile.

"Thank you for the email address but, I have just won the lottery (pause for effect!) and was hoping that we could both splash out the $10 winnings on some coffee! Does that interest you at all? No hurry, if course. When you feel like it. But having won it, I need to celebrate it with someone interesting like you. Shall we exchange numbers before or after the coffee?"

If she isn't amenable by then and reacting with some major laughter at the lottery part, she really isn't for you and you should just wave her on!

Q. Why does a guy say he will call but only text ? Met this guy and then we try to organise our dates- he often said he would call but didn't. Then while I had almost given up- he would send a text very late that day to organise things- but always on the day he said he would call. Am I expecting too much or is something wrong? Sometimes when I called he seemed to be happy... How can I let him know if he says he would call it should mean he will call!

A. There are a number of reasons why he texts you. It could be because:

1. Phoning is more expensive for him than texting. He probably doesn't want to admit this to you.

2. He feels shy to talk to you so he leaves it until the last minute as well so that he can get it over with, especially if you say that he doesn't seem to mind when you call him.

3. He can only call at certain times because he may be in a relationship. That's probably why he leaves it until the last minute as well. He sounds pre-occupied with other things.

4. He probably doesn't realise how much the calls mean to you, especially if he is the casual sort who texts his mates regularly and prefers simple texts to long phone calls.

5. He is not as interested in you as you hope, so he is deliberately texting you to keep contact to a minimum because he probably lacks the courage to tell you so. Only you know your situation to be able to choose which ones might apply.

It is frustrating when someone promises to do something and doesn't, especially a phone call. But usually when there is hesitation, or unfulfilled promises, it is because the feeling isn't reciprocal or the person is genuinely shy. He's probably not sure of how to deal with the conversation and uses the texts instead to keep the distance between you. As to telling him how that affects you, if you are open with your feelings, gently but firmly, letting him know that he shouldn't promise to call without doing it might help the situation. If he really doesn't like you as much as you like him, it won't make any difference.

It was Oprah Winfrey who said, "If a guy wants you, nothing will keep him away. And if he doesn;t want you, nothing will make him stay."

It's a truism well worth remembering when dealing with relationships!

A man at a club once said that he didn’t ask me to dance because he feared rejection. But he lost the possibility of acceptance too by doing nothing! Another day, I was in the local car park in my town and saw a shy-looking man gazing at me intently. He went on his business, returned to the car park at the same time as I did, and continued to look at me, hoping I would probably indicate some form of acceptance. He was quite appealing and I exchanged eye contact but said nothing. He drove off soon afterwards, again lacking the courage to make a move towards me. I often wondered about him, who he was and where he was going, and I am sure he wondered about me too. But when we make no effort in such situations, nothing ever happens.

For this reason, for fear of our actions being misinterpreted and because of the perfection we seek, men now dance by themselves, or talk among themselves, and women do the same, each gender lacking the courage to make a move while they drift further apart in the selection process and remain on their own for much longer. In fact, at another club, a man walked in and took up a position leaning against a wall. He never left that position for the rest of the night, not even to get some drinks. He looked sad, lonely and dejected and everyone ignored him. I wondered why he bothered to come out of his house if he wanted to just exchange one wall for another! But that's what fear and low self-esteem do for us. They rob us of opportunities to join the human race.

The Art of Conversation

Wishing, hoping and dreaming about finding our ideal partner, without any form of strategy will lead nowhere. Serious people do not leave everything to chance. They try their utmost to increase the possibilities of meeting that ideal person by doing something about it, even if it is to strike up a simple conversation. A lack of interest in others, exaggerated fears, a need for approval, a focus on ourselves and social protocol (especially for women) make it hard for us to communicate or use our initiative. But any interaction or conversation is like a game of tennis.

If the ball is held by one person and never passed back and forth, there would be no game and it would be very boring. The ball, in our quest for a partner, refers to all the questions we ask others to reflect our curiosity. With many people being rather self-centred, they cannot see that connection and the one-way attempt at interaction makes it difficult to sustain a dialogue, let alone any kind of relationship. I was not afraid to speak to that man in the car park. I was single and available. In fact, I never engage prolonged eye-contact with anyone unless I really want to talk to them. However, even though I responded to his gaze, the social brainwashing of a man being expected to make the first move took hold of me as I looked at him and did nothing. He did nothing too. Result: Opportunity lost.

Another limiting factor is that too many people believe there is only one partner in this world who is ideal for them. But that has no basis in fact. If that were the case, we would not meet and fall in love on multiple occasions with very successful results. Our love life would be finished, once our first partner leaves the scene! It is our narrow vision of acceptability, the low expectations we carry, the lack of skills in wooing others and the preoccupation with being hurt rather than being loved, which keep us without any partners or stuck in negative relationships.

Next time you see a potential soulmate, don't be afraid to say hello and try asking questions about them, and see the difference. Taking the first step, along with those questions, are guaranteed to give you some reactions, even if it isn't exactly what you expected!

Most men with whom I get into any kind of conversation around dating and relationships appear keen to boast about one thing: that men are very 'visual' in looking for a partner. Looks matter a lot to them, they stress. They wouldn't date an ugly woman, no sirree! She has to be 'slim' and 'good looking'. Those on dating sites usually add how they have to see a picture of the woman first and, if none is there, they don't even reply to any approaches.

Personally, I am sad at the number of times men have just looked at my pictures and want to date me without taking any time to read what I wrote or to engage me in conversation. So, after countless reminders that looks in a woman are paramount to a man, which would also explain many of the 'trophy' relationships in vogue, it got me thinking about the whole business of dating and how this limited way of selection is particularly fraught with danger for men. Though looks count for most women too, their top priority is emotionality. They care about how the guy will relate to them in a caring and valued way.

The bottom line is, if a man puts looks as his top priority in selecting a woman, he is really paying attention to only 25% of that person. He would be basing an assessment of her value on just 25% of the package and projecting a possible partnership on 25% of the potential. Not surprisingly, as the other 75% is not engaged at the beginning, but tends to be gradually revealed, often giving some nasty surprises in the process, there would be much heartache later on. Though beauty is the top priority for most men, a beautiful or good looking woman presents only 25% of a possible relationship with those looks, the purely physical element. The other three elements are: PERSONALITY, INTELLECT and EMOTIONALITY.

PERSONALITY: The kind of personality we have is essential in a relationship: whether we are moody, happy, zippy, able to laugh easily, morose, repressed, expressive, friendly, approachable, detached, remote, cold, warm or distant. All those are very important to the other partner. What is the point of having a beautiful woman if she is going to be moody morning, noon and night? What is the point of having someone who is cold and distant when the other party is very loving? One guy said that a 'stunning' woman he had dated for a while suddenly stood up while they were having dinner in a hotel, and shouted very loudly that she didn't know what she was doing there with him, then promptly left him on his own with other guests looking on curiously. Perhaps his money had something to do with why she was there? He said though he felt humiliated he still wanted to see her again because she looked good on his arm! Cripes, and what about self-respect?

INTELLECT: This is not about being a rocket scientist or a genius. On the most basic level it is about being able to hold a conversation, to share hobbies and discuss them, to make choices in life and to recognise options and opportunities. Some people can barely string two words together so trying to converse about anything in particular would be a hard slog. Yet a lack of intellect is one of the key reasons for relationships to break when the couple cannot communicate with each other any more, can hardly pass the time of day, and are virtually on two different planets. If that person hasn't got much to say at the beginning, and is not really interested in what matters to you, they won't have anything more to say later on either when familiarity creeps in and people begin to take each other for granted, neither will they be in the least interested in what you might wish to share with them.

EMOTIONALITY: Is that person a GIVER or a TAKER? Is she warm, kind, generous's emotional capacity to connect with another, is also a killer of relationships. People without warmth and love cannot give any to others. They are likely to be self-focused, highly critical of their partners and wanting things done mainly their way. Some people who are natural givers are likely to be stuck with takers who have perhaps had people fawning over them because of their looks and are not sure how give something back, to actually reciprocate in a relationship. Soon the novelty wears off as one person finds himself giving all the time yet with little appreciation or value coming his way and the end is usually in sight. Emotionality and Intellect are the keys to all relationships. Take them away and the love/affection/empathy would be negligent while the communication goes to the wall.

Putting looks above everything might net someone a beautiful person in a superficially fulfilling way, but one will be getting a virtual pig in a poke because the rest of the unknown, attractive package, all 75% of it, is likely be their undoing.

Well....er...you don't! You tell him to 'bugger off' instead, and wave him on briskly.

If you give your number to someone, or you call them at least once and they are not quick to return that call, they are simply not interested or their ego requires you to do the running to make them feel good. Either way, it is not in your interest.

The point I am trying to make here is that no self-respecting woman should aim to 'get' a guy to return her call. He either WANTS to return that call or he can take a hike. That's the attitude one should develop when one is seeking a genuine relationship with another. It MUST be entirely mutual, otherwise it is doomed from the beginning.

There are five main reasons why a guy would not return a woman's calls.
1. Lack of self love and esteem (on her part). People who don't love themselves depend on others to treat them in a better way than they would. They expect the new person to compensate for their own lack of self love by loving them instead. That feeling often leads to dependency, which is not attractive, and new guys can sniff that a mile off and shy away. The initial novelty soon wears off, if the woman appears too needy. In those circumstances, men tend to play it their way and in their own time. People with low esteem also allow themselves to be taken for granted because they often believe they do not deserve better and that the other person really cares. They lack the confidence to get what they truly desire and often settle for second best, which makes them even more vulnerable and exposed to the negative treatment of potential partners.

2. Mismatch in expectations. Where two people are not expecting the same pace of activity or outcome, one is usually reluctant to conform to the other's desires. The guy tends to control the situation by doing things mainly at his pace and when he feels ready. This always happens when one person is keen to move on the relationship quicker than the other. The parties would not be aligned in what they are both seeking and would not mirror each other's behaviour. The result is that one person is very eager to progress the friendship and expects the other person to feel the same by keeping in touch while the other person expects to take his time until he feels it's right.

3. A change of heart. A date can go extremely well yet not yield the expected results for either party because it depends on one's mood on the days that follow. Often people have a change of heart after a date, though one person might have seemed pretty eager to develop the friendship. In the cold light of the next day, perhaps remembering what was said or done, suddenly the other party does not seem as attractive. However, many men are often cowards in admitting their true feelings and cope with this by not returning calls. They hope that their silence will relay the message they are too timid to give. But if the woman is really keen, that kind of non-reaction can create more problems than it's worth.

4. Misperception of the friendship. Sometimes guys do give mixed signals about what they are seeking, or girls interpret certain behaviour to mean something else, especially where sex is involved. The guy might simply wish for a casual sexual relationship while the girl might believe she means more to him than that. Once again, that would be a mismatch in expectations, especially when men and women tend to view the reasons for having sex differently. In such cases, the girl would perhaps be a lower priority in the guy's life than she would like to think, hence why he would be reluctant to return the call.

5. Doubts about your feelings. If a guy is shy or not too confident in interacting with girls he might hang back until he has firm evidence that he is liked and should progress it. Some guys will set the pace while others expect to be led, or to have more evidence before returning calls. If you want a guy to call you back, try not to be too ambiguous in your actions and also indicate, clearly, that you would like to hear from him. Be clear about your desires, even if you are detached in the beginning.

Don't ever accept any excuse that suggests the guy was 'too busy' to ring! That is giving an even more powerful message of disinterest. When we really like someone we seek opportunities to interact with them. We don't leave it to chance. Furthermore, in this technological age, it takes only a few seconds to text an apology and to promise a later call, if one really wants to ring. If someone is too busy to call, especially at the beginning of a friendship, unless it is an emergency, that does not augur well. When people are interested and really care, they MAKE the time to communicate because it is pleasurable for both parties.

There is no great secret to getting a guy to call you back. If he really likes your company, values you, wishes to spend more time with you or can't bear the thought of losing your friendship, he will return your call without you even asking, so long as he knows how you feel about him. In the end, it depends on how much a guy really values that woman enough to want to hear her voice, to call her and to affirm her as a possible soulmate. Otherwise, he just won't bother.

Share |

Q. I think I've found Mr. Right. He treats me well and calls me princess (well everyone knows I am)..lol...we think alike, we complete each others sentences and say exactly the same thing at the same time. I sometimes answer him before he asks. He is very romantic and very protective of me. He is my knight. The one I was searching for. He has already asked me to marry him and I said "YES". I feel we were meant to be. What do you think?

A. It must be a great feeling to be in love, especially when it makes you feel really excited at the thought of seeing that person and sharing things together. Well done. But you have to be aware of signs of incompatibility, no matter how in-love you feel because they are always there at the beginning. It is just that love blinds us to them until it is too late.

People tend to be most incompatible on six areas of a relationship. Listed in order of their propensity to damage the relationship, these are their:

1. VALUES (what they cherish and care about - traditions, customs, habits);

2. PERSONALITY (the manner in which they perceive and act, whether introvert or extrovert, confident or fearful);

3. COMMUNICATION (whether they can talk to each other in a free and fearless way);

4. PERSPECTIVES on life (like their political and social leanings);

5. SEXUAL needs and approach (one might have a higher libido than the other, or one might even have had sexual abuse and fear it).

6. ASPIRATIONS (whether they want children or not, for example, to work abroad or stay at home);

In effect, these factors relate to what the couple wants for the relationship and the future. But these crucial points of potential incompatibility are not so obvious at the beginning in the heady days of romance and being starry-eyed with optimistic expectations, especially when couples are reluctant to ask uncomfortable questions of each other. But they really need to be addressed to lessen the disappointment later.

I met my soulmate seven years ago and we went for over 2 years in an awesome relationship. We had different issues at the time and decided to go our separate ways in the end, still very much in love, but the moments spent together were simply magical. He taught me what real love, especially self-love, was about. It was a relationship marked by great love, lots of giving and taking, mutual affirmation and reinforcement and amazing sex. We just wanted to hug each other all the time, to be as close as possible, with endless chats on the phone, lots of discussions about our pet subjects and tons of sheer affection and appreciation. Considering that we were both in our mid 50s, that was some relationship.

I remember him fondly because there were hardly any points of mismatch between us. He seems to go off the scale on most of the major factors. We clearly matched in values, perspectives, sex and approach, but not on aspirations, an important point, and so had to leave it there. I used to think we would be back together sometime but perhaps not. I believe in destiny and that people are sent into our lives for a reason. Not necessarily to stay forever, but to assist our journey for that moment and move on. I wish him well, with all my love, and continue my search for, hopefully, someone even better.

In your case, especially as you are getting married, it might be a good idea to take a hard look at the six factors above to see where there might be areas of disagreement or contention in the future, especially with SEX and ASPIRATIONS. What plans has he got for HIS future and the relationship which might conflict with yours? Is he likely to be controlling? What kind of sexual practices would he be interested in? Would you want the same too? Only direct and regular communication will reveal the true person and finding out before the marriage is far less painful and costly than further down the line.

Right, ladies! How do you normally cope with a first date? Do you usually feel uptight, unsure of how to act, a little insecure and highly self-conscious? There is no need to be. The only thing you should ensure is that you ARE yourself. Nothing less. If that person doesn't like you as you are, there would be no chance of a long term relationship anyway otherwise you would just be pretending to please him, and that never works. So simply relax and ask some questions instead at different points during the date.

First dates can be nightmares for some people, especially those who are shy and wish to impress. Thus asking fun questions of a guy on a first date not only livens things up but also has a serious purpose. They help to break the ice, to reduce the nervousness between a couple, they are fun to answer and they reveal any disparities between you both. Many guys dread anything they regard as 'too heavy', especially when they are just getting to know the person. Most are seeking someone who 'chills' easily and can appreciate humour. Going armed with some fun questions will not only keep the conversation running smoothly but they will stop you from feeling tongue-tied, they will elicit some tangible information about him, and they will also make you appear even more attractive and desirable, especially if he likes you too.

There are many fun questions one can ask a guy, but the following are very effective:

1. Who are your top singers/bands?

Guys love to chat about their music. While he is talking you will also be getting the measure of whether his music tastes will align easily with yours.

2. What special song lifts your mood and makes you feel really happy?

This question gives a flavour of the type of songs which really appeal to him, allowing you to compare your choices with his. You might even find that you both love the same songs!

3. If you were offered one superpower to change the world, which one would you choose?

This will be a fascinating question because it will reveal his heroes, what he would do with the power and the values he has.

4. Imagine you were a crayon, what colour would you prefer to be?

A really good fun question that will have you comparing notes on colours that represent you and why. You might even match up in your choices!

5. Tell me one thing in your life you couldn't possibly do without.

That will be a very hard choice for him because we all tend to have at least three items that we wouldn't part with. Having to choose just one will give you insight into his personality as well as indicate the priories in his life.

6. What kind of posters do you have on your walls?

That will reveal whether he is more for sports heroes, celebrities, or other types of heroes. If he has no posters, that is also give a strong message about his personality and style of living.

7. Is there anyone you would like to trade your life with, and why?

This answer, in particular, will reveal his ambitions, aspirations and what he would like for his own life, or simply the person who has most inspired him.

8. Would you know exactly what is in the glove compartment of your car?

This is another good one that will draw a smile from him as you put his memory to the test. It will also show how cool he is under pressure and how confident he is in dealing with the question.

9. Do you have a pet and what is it?

Another good chance to compare notes here, especially if you have a pet as well, or if you don't want pets.

10. If you could be invisible, where would you go and why?

Expect a sexy guy kind of answer with this one! But it should be very interesting what he would do in that state.

11. Do tell me, what makes you unique, unlike other guys?

Again, you will get a good insight into how he sees himself, his level of confidence and his perception of his value.

12. Are you doing anything special tomorrow?

Ask this one only if you like him and you think he likes you because it is a trick question! Whatever he answers you can adopt a kind of disappointment and say how you thought he was seeing you! However, he might even surprise you and say it before you do!

The answers themselves are not really important, it's the indication of his personality that will come through loud and clear. If he is too serious without humour, and you are after a fun person who doesn't take himself too seriously, his answers will soon let you know. By the time he is finished answering them all, especially the way he does it, you should know whether you would really want another date with him.

How often do we hear the statement from single people looking for new dates: "I'm seeking friendship first" because they like to get to 'know' the person before delving into anything more intimate. Men in particular, who fear commitment, love to hide behind this condition, while never really achieving their aim. But is such 'friendship' possible? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Let's look at the evidence.

Once I got talking online to a seemingly kindly man who fancied me. I explained clearly on the phone that I liked his personality but not enough to take it any further and I didn't think it was a good idea to meet. He felt I was judging him from afar and that I should give him some chance to prove himself, especially when he was merely inviting me to lunch. He was sure that, if I was proved right, we could at least 'be friends'. I was not sure about that but felt I ought to give him the benefit of the doubt to meet up and allow the situation to unfold.

In the end he was old-fashioned in his views, stuck in the past wishing for the 'good old days' and rather mean in affirming people, while being quick with criticism. I didn't warm to him at all and the great personality didn't seem so great in close-up! He also kept grabbing my hand to hold it and I wasn't impressed as I dislike physical contact when I don't feel comfortable. I reminded him of what I had said on the phone and he left the date promising to be 'friends' but was noticeably peeved that I wasn't more amenable to his overtures.

I never heard from him again, which did not really surprise me, because his desire for friendship was not genuine in the first place. It was a way to get nearer to me to help me change my mind about him. His ego was hurt and, as 'friendship' was not what he really sought, he didn't care to keep the connection, even though we had shared a very good rapport. And that's what happens in most instances like these. It is difficult to be friends when you fancy the person and wish to get closer to them but they are holding you at arms' length, or vice versa. It is a clear mismatch, and in any mismatch one person is losing out, so friendship isn't possible because it has an unequal and superficial foundation.

The Basis of Genuine Friendship

Genuine friendship originates from understanding another's needs and aspirations and appreciating their pain and joy. It comes out of being able to empathise with them, in both good and bad times. Such knowledge and response are not possible until one knows another for a while and feels comfortable with their presence. Thus true friendship is highly unlikely with anyone we do not know well. When it comes to members of the opposite sex, or instances where there is clear attraction, friendship is the last thing on the cards because the feelings of attraction will overwhelm all other platonic ones and get in the way of real friendship developing.

When we fancy someone we can always fool ourselves that should the fancying not prove mutual, it can then turn into friendship and everyone will be happy. But this seldom happens between two strangers seeking to be affirmed and valued by one another. In any failure to have mutual attraction, one person is bound to feel rejected and so friendship is unlikely in such a scenario because he/she will not feel motivated to get to know the other any better. Their sense of rejection will propel them elsewhere to get the affirmation they seek.

Controlling Factors


Another reason for seeking 'friendship' in the first instance is the desire for control. To prevent 'being hurt', some people believe that seeking friendship first keeps pain at bay. But if there is going to be hurt, no amount of having friendship at the beginning is going to stave off the pain! Such hurt usually comes when we are at the familiar stage in relationships; when we take each other for granted or when one or both parties begin to lose their appeal. Not at the start of the relationship. So seeking friendship first is really delaying the inevitable in a superficial way, especially where one fears commitment. It has little to do with the desire for real friendship.

We cannot replace sexual feelings with friendship because friendship is enduring while fancying someone is likely to be fleeting. Putting the two together is a contradiction in itself, especially when true friendship is only possible when the heady feelings of romance have taken their course and we appreciate the person as someone truly valuable in our journey because we have grown to like/love them more.

Next time you are seeking friendship first, ask yourself why you need tons of 'friends' instead of lovers. You might be surprised by the answers you get. Not only that, look back at all the dates that have failed to live up to expectations and count up all the real friendships that emerged from them. You are likely to find that once there was any kind of rejection involved, friendship would be the last thing anyone wanted at the time!

I bet you have heard an excited, newly engaged person say something like: ‘It’s annoying when he just leaves me and goes out with his friends to the pub on Thursday nights, but, as soon as we’re married, that’s going to stop.’ Or ‘I have noticed how she flirts with other guys now but, once we’re married, she’ll change.’ Or ‘I know he drinks a lot while he is single, but he’ll cut down when we’re together.’

Those statements ring huge bells for any relationship because the expectations they contain are unreasonable, unwelcome and unlikely to succeed. This is because they blithely ignore the character, needs and aspirations of the other person involved. We all expect our partners to change without realising that, should they actually change into the person we desire, they might not like us at all!Moreover, we would no longer have any control in the relationship because it would be like dealing with a virtual stranger, one who is bound to expect something more than we can give.

People who expect their partners to change into their ideal after the vows will be very, very disappointed, a situation which often destroys the relationship. If you are going with someone now who has an irritating habit, don't think that when you are married or living together it will get better or the habit will just disappear to suit you. In fact, it is likely to get worse with familiarity. If it really bothers you, or you have doubts about your intended, don't go there!

Why People Change

The most crucial thing you need to accept is that the only person you can ever change is yourself. People change because they want to change, not because of outside influence, unless they wish to impress or copy someone they admire. Those entering committed relationships do change some of their actions, but they tend to be minor ones that align easily with their aspirations. It is difficult to change primary aspects of ourselves which form the core of our identity, values and beliefs, unless there is a major benefit in doing so. Furthermore, people rarely change when they are under pressure from someone else, even a loved one. In fact, that is the time they are likely to feel inadequate and will most resist any request to change. Constantly hoping that a person will change, and nagging them to do it, will only make you feel frustrated and impotent and leave them feeling hassled.

Please note that the addictive behaviour of loved ones with alcohol, drugs or other substances are totally outside your control. Any change in such behaviour is almost impossible unless engineered by the person himself. Your love cannot cure her illness, no matter how caring you are. It will require professional intervention. You may help your date/partner by providing information, making resources available, being supportive and seeking support yourself (for example, with Al-Anon), but it is up to him/her to work through their problem for their benefit.

In the end, the strongest relationships are based on the commitment of two independent individuals who accept each other, totally, as they are, in a loving environment that encourages compromise, growth and change for both parties,. Not one person giving in to, or having to endure, the unreasonable demands of another.

Share |

We are living in different times where both men and women can play the game of life by their own rules. With social independence for both genders, there is no compulsion to team up as couples, unless they really want to. That need to preserve their independence has made some men near phobic in their reaction to commitment. On the other hand, many guys also have an ideal of relationships with women. They believe that being committed to a good woman will realise their dream of a happy home with someone loving to care for them. However, once they have been hurt and suffered financially in any way, that's something they carry around as emotional baggage often until the fear of further commitment takes them over.

The key reasons behind a fear of commitment for men can be summed up in three main phrases which fill them with dread: loss of personal freedom, a fear of being hurt and fear of financial ruin. 

1. Guys fear commitment firstly because of the fear of being hurt.

Many complain a lot about not wanting to be hurt and go to lengths to avoid it, forgetting that pleasure comes before any hurt and that, if they don't expose themselves to the possibility of being hurt, they won't get the pleasure either! But hurt is not an automatic state for anyone. We are prone to get hurt when we don't love ourselves and depend on someone else to love us instead. We put all our faith and feelings on a potential partner and when they do not behave to expectations it is a really painful realisation.

We are also likely to be hurt when we really don't know what we want and put up with anything for convenience and expediency. Finally, being hurt becomes more probable when we are guided purely by superficial attributes like looks, without taking other aspects (such as personal values and communication) into account. So being hurt in any relationship is often self inflicted through the unwillingness to learn from our connections, to establish what we require to make us happy and then to actually seek it instead of settling for second best. 

2. Next is a fear of losing their freedom.

Guys tend to be very sensitive about their space and independence. Many of them are just not ready for such a responsible commitment. To them it is nice to have someone beside them in a long term relationship but in a more detached way, not too close. They do not want someone infringing their space for too long and the idea of not being able to do anything and go where they want at any time does not exactly thrill them. Worst still, they like the idea of having a variety of sexual experiences open to them with different women, even if they don't act upon it. The fact that they can date any woman they desire without having to account for it to someone is appealing to them and losing such independence scares some of them a great deal.

Another main aspect of valuing their space is the real problem they have in compromising. Most guys dislike the idea of having to compromise in a relationship and prefer to do what feels natural to them without having to ask for permission or to explain themselves. Many believe that having any compromise makes them appear weak and 'unmanly' and that, even more important, they would be the one having to do the compromise.

3. Finally, a fear of losing everything they have worked for financially.

Some guys have been through very painful and costly divorces while others have seen friends and colleagues who have suffered from them. In their eyes, the women always seem to come off better, leaving them in ruins. The number of men who actually put on their dating profiles how their wives have 'cleaned' them out is legion! They feel hard done by, resentful and angry when they have gone through a divorce where they have to share their possessions unfairly, and they dread a repeat of it. Anyway, the whole cost of marriage or settling down puts them off the idea altogether. 

By keeping things fluid and noncommittal guys get the best of all worlds: regular friendship, regular sex and someone to support them emotionally while they keep their freedom, their space and independence without any long term responsibility, or the anxiety, of losing anything too valuable in the process.

People have to date after being dumped because that is a natural part of life: dealing with both pain and pleasure. Our life does not consist of single events or just the nice, enjoyable moments. We are on a journey of self-development, self growth, self-knowledge and self-realisation from the day we are born until the day we die. Pleasure and pain are thus two sides of the same coin of life which help us towards that ultimate development. We cannot have one without the other.

Not having another relationship might keep you from getting hurt, but it won't give you a life. You will then be stuck in negativity, with the past trashing inside your head forever, while you cower cowardly in a corner, shying away from the setbacks in life which actually make you more resilient, more experienced, more confident in yourself and far more attractive as a person. Worst of all, it makes you unloving too. You cannot deny love then claim to love others. The two are incompatible. That's like trying to give away what you haven't got. The only way through life is to face everything it throws at us which helps us to develop survival and coping skills.

Every relationship teaches us something. Often, when we don't want to learn, we go inside ourselves and ignore the message. But relationships break and cause hurt mainly because of the expectations we burden them with. People come into our lives for any of four main reasons, of which only one is permanent. However, as we expect every person we like to be permanently with us, our expectations are soon dashed when it does not work out that way. Yet, when we allow a relationship to unfold without trying to control it, or having too many expectations of it, we make room for the unexpected and are likely to be surprised.

Why break-ups really hurt

Most important, break-ups really hurt when we don't love ourselves and expect others to love us instead. Once we love ourselves first, it doesn't; matter who doesn't love us, because we are already of value - to our relatives, parents, family, friends, to name a few. When we merely expect love from others to compensate, once they reject us, the pain is harder to bear because that rejection merely confirms what we already believe - how unlovable and unwanted we are. Furthermore, relationships do not just consist of hurt alone, though that is all we focus on when we get hurt. Relationships consist of PLEASURE first. To get to that hurt, we have to experience pleasure and when we deny ourself the opportunity to be hurt, we also deny access to that pleasure too which keeps us stuck, unloved and unloving.

Our character is built on dealing with setbacks in life, no matter what they are. If we deny ourselves the opportunity to deal with those setbacks, to pick ourselves up and carry on in life along our journey, we become stunted in our growth, and also boring, one-dimensional people who simply want to control everything without adding to the store of rich knowledge and experience that makes us appealing and empathetic to others. The only way we learn in our life is through mistakes and pain. We cannot deny that aspect of our evolution.

Finally, the main reason for dating as soon as possible after being dumped is because you cannot afford to use the judgement and actions of ONE person to dictate your life forever. Are you so low in value that just one person out of the millions in this world can dictate how you feel about yourself and who you are? You would actually allow one single person in this world to affect your esteem and progress? What happens to all the other men or women out there waiting to meet you, admire you and love you? Don't their opinion count for anything?

When we stop dating because of being dumped we allow ourselves to be judged by a single human being, placing them as chief arbiter in our lives and reducing our value to nothing. That is no way to live the precious life we are given or to appreciate th

It seems that the main place for finding love and romance is where we work. According to a survey sponsored by Glamour magazine and Lawyers.com, "41% of employed Americans aged 25 to 40" admitted having had an office romance. That's a significant statistic, being almost half the work force of that age range, and especially when relationships among more than half of them led to marriage.

However, if not handled in a professional way, romance at work that turns sour can also be damaging to one's career, among other things, so it has to be handled sensitively and maturely. Furthermore, with the threat of litigation around sexual harassment being ever present, some employees are naturally concerned, and even confused, about dating at work in case it is misconstrued negatively by one party.

While it can be a heady experience to find love at work, as it makes it much easier and convenient for regular contact, dating can present a threat to professional and organisational effectiveness due to the negative impact on both the participants and other co-workers. For this reason, a simple guide to dating in the workplace should provide greater confidence in progressing any romance and help make the relationship a more enjoyable and longer lasting one.

There are 9 useful tips to note in this guide:

1. Dating at work is more detrimental to some professions than to others, like in the medical or legal professions, because of maintaining the confidentiality and privacy issues around clients. Before you request a date, find out if your workplace has a dating policy because at least 14% of employers have an unwritten but clearly understood policy on work relationships.

2. Learn about the person professionally before you try to date them. You will soon know how they are likely to react towards you if you make a pass. By finding out as much information as you can before your approach you will also learn whether they might already be dating someone else in the department/organisation, whether they are different in sexual preference and whether they might actually warm towards you.

3. Learn to accept that 'No' ALWAYS means 'NO', even if you think the person might not mean it and you could encourage them to be more amenable to you. That is fine outside of work but pushing the boundaries might just get you labelled in a negative way. Be very sensitive and alert to responses once you have made your approach. That person might genuinely like you but there could be many reasons why they might not wish to progress it while you are both in the same organisation or the same career.

4. If you both decide to date, keep the relationship private and discreet until you are ready to make a formal announcement that you are an item. This is the most important part. There is nothing worse to other colleagues than to have a couple flaunting their relationship too much, spending time chatting and enjoying themselves, when they should be working. It can be very demoralising and often cause unnecessary resentment.

5. Always act professionally while you are a couple. This means no flirting in the office with others, no open displays of affection or neglecting your work to spend time with a date during work hours. In effect, nothing should change about your work behaviour at all. The responsibilities of your role should always come first.

6. Ensure that you continue to act according to the demands of your role and department. It means that you would be speaking your own opinions, exhibiting the same skills and knowledge as before and sticking up for your own colleagues instead of being influenced by your date or being guided by them in your work. The essential point is that you should conduct yourself in the same manner prior to your new relationship and that should, hopefully, engender more trust and confidence in you both from your co-workers.

7. Be open and honest, particular in regular communication, regarding the possible impact of your relationship, the effects it might have on others and the concerns you both might have noticed. By discussing any problems which might emerge from the relationship you would be alert to them well beforehand and be able to take appropriate or evasive action.

8. If you are a manager, you would need to be extra careful and vigilant about dating other staff, especially if they normally report to you. The nature and responsibility of a manager's work means any action towards a particular employee could be perceived as favoritism by others. There could be conflicts of interest, especially when it comes to appraisals, discipline and enforcing work policies. It is always best to date on a vertical level with an employee of similar status than a hierarchical one which could be misinterpreted as having ulterior motives.

9. If the relationship doesn't turn out well, try to keep any animosity or conflict outside. Once again, professionalism and discreteness are of the utmost in such a situation. If any conflict becomes public, it could adversely affect other workers and ultimately affect your career if you have to change jobs or leave that workplace altogether.

By sticking to these basic guidelines, it should make it much easier to find a date at work and enjoy a fulfilling romance without too much angst or concern.

Share |

(Photo images used on this page (ID:861762 & ID: 1145614) courtesy of stock.xchng).

The Sihera Relationship Guide© is a FREE website
for your information and enjoyment.

If you find something useful, why not make it happen for someone else?
A FREE information site takes a lot to upkeep. If you enjoyed the articles and quizzes, please help it to continue its work.
DO GIVE SOMETHING BACK!
In this way the site can be maintained for many others. THANK YOU!