Relationships

According to a recent survey in the UK, more than 55% of people are unfaithful to their partners. The rise of the mobile phone, Internet dating sites/chat rooms and greater work freedom for both men and women, ensure that it is far easier to have an affair, or start a new relationship with someone, without current partners knowing about it. It is also very easy to get indignant when our partner strays, to condemn them in vitriolic terms and accuse them of being 'bastards' 'whores' or 'terrible cheats'. But sometimes getting self-righteously angry, without acknowledging our part in the process, simply delays the inevitable: the final break-down of the relationship.

There are many reasons why partners cheat, each specific to that relationship, but four main ones seem to cause the most damage:
1. Loss of Attraction and Communication
2. Lack of Gratitude and Appreciation
3. Lack of Affirmation, and
4. Loss of Significance and Value.
No matter why the partner finds someone else attractive, that infidelity will be tied to at least one of these major causes.

1. Loss of Attraction and Communication
When we fall in love, there is no law which says we will remain attracted to that person forever. In fact, mutual attraction and communication depends heavily on the other three reasons being positively embedded into the relationship. Without feeling appreciated, wanted and valued, or being positively affirmed by someone else, we soon lose our feeling of significance, that we actually matter, and go off that person rapidly. In those circumstances, we are bound to find others more attractive because we would stop communicating at home and communicate to others instead.

Often, partners change in unexpected ways, like physically getting bigger in size, or getting more mean and selfish in their actions, which were not there at the beginning. That might cause attraction to wane because it is then tempting to compare others to our partners and find them wanting. In those situations, we tend to find it hard to express our feelings as we are not quite sure what to say. Nothing tangible has caused the discomfort and unhappiness with our partners, but it is there like a bad smell, constantly making us unhappy. We cannot make someone find us appealing if they don't. So the only certain thing with this reason is that, once attraction goes, communication quickly follows and the relationship is doomed. It is likely to disintegrate gradually or continue in a very unhappy and resentful way after that.

2. Lack of Gratitude and Appreciation
Most relationships buckle under the weight of this reason. We all like to feel appreciated, being shown gratitude for our efforts and the trouble we take to fulfil our partnership role. When we perceive (and it is a matter of personal perception) that the person is not being very thankful or appreciative, it makes us resentful. We then start to pay more attention to the negatives than the positives in the relationship, which is likely to make both parties feel that they cannot do anything right.

There are many relationships in which one party might withhold praise, expressions of love or verbal thanks. BAD MISTAKE! Never assume the other partner should 'know' how you feel. We all want to hear it, see it and be the physical recipients of any appreciation. If we have to wonder about that gratitude or value, the rot has already started to set in. Sometimes gratitude is perceived to be missing because of how we express such thanks. For example, one party might love to give gifts like flowers, chocolates, clothes, etc., because they believe giving gifts show their love. But the other party might just want to be hugged or TOLD they are wonderful. They do not wish for gifts. Just having the presence and ATTENTION of their partner regularly is thanks enough, and that's their way of showing of love. In this mismatch of expectation, the parties are hardly likely to please each other unless they discuss their needs!

3. Lack of Affirmation
The greatest glue in any relationship which holds it together is mutual affirmation. The worst thing is to tell someone how much you value and love them, but to have nothing coming back at you in a similar fashion. Soon one gets tired of affirming that partner without being affirmed themself. Very soul-destroying and demotivating. Wherever resentment begins to take over, look no further than a lack of appreciation and affirmation. It means one person is taking far more than they are giving and this increasing imbalance will be the death knell of that relationship. This is a pity, especially when many people are not used to being affirmed and find it hard to affirm others. But we all have to learn sometime and appreciating our partners by affirming them regularly and letting them know how much we value them keeps them attracted to us.

4. Loss of Significance and Value
The final nail in the coffin of that relationship will be driven in by this cause. Everyone wants to feel they matter, especially to the person they love. Once one begins to feel insignificant and unworthy, they will seek that significance somewhere else. Anyone they meet who makes them feel the least bit valued will draw them away from their home. It is not rocket science. People go into relationships to be loved, affirmed and wanted. If that is not happening, what is the point of staying in it? Marriage and relationships are not supposed to be life sentences. They should be enjoyable and fun; to bring out the best in us, especially in love and fulfilling our potential. We then feel significant; that we matter as people. Take that away and you rob your partner of his/her confidence and self esteem; the reason for their purpose and identity. There is nothing left to hold that person to the home, especially when they are being put down all the time.

So, which of those reasons are lurking around in your relationship just now? Which ones are you neglecting while you please yourself? Which ones are missing from your life and how does that make you feel? If your relationship is broken, which of those caused it?

If someone strays from home, you can bet your life that at least one of those four elements is the culprit. Taking time to answer those questions honestly might save your current, or next, relationship from becoming another statistic. Often people cannot talk about what is missing in their lives for fear of 'upsetting' their partners or having arguments. Rightly or wrongly, they take what seems to be the 'easy' way out and get what they seek outside instead, causing much pain and deception for the partner left at home. A tiny minority of people will stray, no matter what you do, because of their own low-esteem, insecurity and desire to prove themselves sexually. But paying close attention to those four factors could save an awful lot of heartache in most relationships.

The Single Biggest Killer of Relationships

So you see the man/woman you fancy across the room at a party. You edge nervously towards him/her, wanting to make that crucial impression. You finally make the connection between you and you feel really happy. You punch the air with joy. A few weeks .. or even years .. later, everything stops in its tracks and you can't understand it. End of beautiful romance or marriage. And what killed it, you wonder? Aaahh, those expectations. They just did not match up between you.

Expectations are the biggest killers of all relationships, whether new or established, since unrealistic demands and the search for perfection invariably suck the lifeblood out of a connection. Every partnership that breaks down begins its downfall when expectations go unfulfilled, which then causes frustration, resentment, anger and even violence. High expectations and the desire for perfection in our soulmates gradually erode the love and good feelings we initially have. Disappointment creeps in, a re-evaluation takes place that pushes our feelings toward the negative, and respect is gradually lost.

There are two main kinds of expectations: those that seek to change our soulmates into some perfect ideal of the desired person, and those which are impossible to fulfil because they go against our basic values and purpose. They rob of us our freedom, free choice and unique perspectives. Worst of all, they make us feel inadequate and forever below par. Both kinds of expectations are so unrealistic they are hardly ever achieved, and yet people continue to strive in vain, every day, to realise them. Wherever such expectations are fulfilled, there is likely to be a significant element of controlling, browbeating and even bullying. There is also the anxious kind of expectation which fears commitment and assumes everyone is out to trap us into a long-term relationship, or that they should already have been partnering us!

Gender Conflict in Expectations
There is a saying that men marry women hoping they will stay the same forever while women marry men hoping to change them as soon as the ceremony is over! Expectations that involve seeking perfection are particularly soul destroying. The main trouble with wanting perfection in a relationship is that one partner..s idea of perfection will rarely coincide with that of the other, and so the desire to compete for this elusive state inevitably gets out of hand as the resulting expectations gradually damage the relationship. One can see this perfect ideal long before the two people have settled into the relationship .. at the dating stage, in fact.

It rears its ugly head whenever individuals express the desire not to connect with anyone with emotional or other baggage. They want a perfect being without negative feelings, perhaps without any feeling at all, so long as they are happy! But this so-called baggage contains our pain, hurt and essential issues to be resolved. It also contains our resources from which we can learn to rebuild our lives. It is an inevitable process that is crucial to our development and forms the core of who we are. The ideal situation is to carry this baggage in reducing amounts until we learn from it and let it go. But many people pretend they have no 'baggage' at all. They mask it with a lot of 'fun', humour or unforgiving seriousness while they die inside, becoming unfeeling and insensitive robots.

Every part of our experience becomes a kind of baggage that shapes our perception, alters our attitude and is then put aside in our ongoing development. As I said in my other book on relationships, ..To meet someone claiming to be without any baggage is to meet a bland, fearful idiot, unable to cope with his/her emotions or feelings; someone pretending about their life; who is constantly in denial that nothing affects them unduly while denying others the right to their own emotions and feelings. However, it is not the 'baggage' we carry which is the main problem. It is how we handle that 'baggage', what we have in it, and how long we carry it for!!..(Sihera - Money, Sex & Compromise)

Conforming to Expectations
A desire for perfection means we are never happy with ourselves or our partners; never satisfied with our lives or our looks. There is always someone, or something, better just around the corner. When we meet the desired one, they have to conform to our expectations by behaving in a prescribed manner in order to merit our attention and approval. We are not prepared to let that person unfold gradually before us, to just be themselves and surprise us with something different, en route to what might turn out to be the same end. Instead, we have high expectations about how the partner should look (like the age old cliché of 'looking sexy in a little black number') and how they should act in public ('mustn't drink beer from pint glasses', or must have the right designer car and clothes) according to our identikits.

What many people don't realise is that, should their soulmate change into the perfect ideal required, they both will be seeking different partners! Think about it carefully. People come together because they are attracted to each other .. AS THEY ARE, not what they hope to be. Change one person to something else and s/he will then be looking for a new partner to match the new characteristics they have acquired. That is why people who are promoted and those who undertake self-development, or higher education courses during their relationships, tend to gravitate towards those in a similar situation, if their spouses haven't kept up with them. Their new status would create new expectations.

Moreover, expectations and the search for perfection tend to blind us the fact that we are far from perfect ourselves. There is a lot we too need to do to become 'perfect' in the eyes of others, like lose that 'beer belly', stop smoking, treat others more sensitively, become more caring etc.. The end result is that we continually circle each other with high expectations, but with no capacity to fulfil them. At the same time we miss many opportunities for greater happiness by just being ourselves and enjoying it.

*This is taken from STEP SIX - Expectation, 10 Easy Steps To...Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!, which explains the main reasons why we fail to find a soulmate or why current relationships go pear shaped.

4 Key Reasons for Relationships

I found a wonderful person on the internet 5 years ago, but we went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year relationship. He felt it difficult to start afresh with me for a variety of reasons including his age, despite the deep love we had for each other, and I have to respect that. But what a fellow and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!!

The passionate feelings are still there between us but I have to move on, I guess. But I would not have missed the journey for the world. It all adds to our learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship and I give thanks for it. That's why I am so certain of what I want now and feel good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.

The 4 Reasons for a Relationship
Many of us do not know this, but people come into our lives for one or more of four different reasons:

1.To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn - and the lesson could be either positive or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR

2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR

3. To build up our confidence to deal with the next person in line - who could even be the big one for us - AND/OR

4. To be the genuine article – our long-term soulmates or partners.

So hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress too.

I thought David was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 - there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my crisis while I taught him an alternative view of life. And boy, did we learn!! He will always be a beacon for me. I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.

Unrealistic Expectations
However, the main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships which end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4! But nothing could be further from the truth.

The trick is to let that first contact gradually reveal the nature of itself without too many expectations, while taking an interest in that person. Instead of just focusing on yourself, be detached, yet reciprocal, to give yourself some enjoyment and happiness in the learning process. Often we are too busy focusing on our needs, wondering how the relationship is going to shape up that we miss the early incompatible signals. But they are ALWAYS there!

For those in failing relationships which are proving increasingly unhappy, let it go! You have both done your jobs and are merely preventing each other from carrying on your work elsewhere, from personal self-fulfilment or even meeting the REAL one. Painful, I know, but it is really about choices and results. The ones you want for your life. If you have genuinely tried to keep it going without much change, hanging on will only lead to a bottomless pit of unhappiness and frustration which robs you of self-esteem and makes you feel worse. If you are not being validated and affirmed, you will feel awful, which shows in your actions and body, making you unattractive to others.

New Beginnings
One of the first tell-tale signs of an unhappy relationship are people who rarely smile, with haunted looks in their eyes and weighty bodies! It never fails. But they don't even realise that's how they look! I weighed 157 pounds during the last months of my marriage. Today I am a slim 135 lbs and my confidence and happiness know no bounds. Proof that letting go of a dying relationship creates space for something new and, more likely, something magical. You could be surprised at the outcome!

When we let go, it is ALWAYS for a good reason which is not visible at the time and the rewards are usually unexpected. We just need the courage to ACT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What does your home mean to you? Is your relationship/marriage holding you back? Try our RELATIONSHIP QUIZ to test how you feel about your partnership. A bad relationship robs you of a life because it has a domino effect on everything else. Find out the state of yours now.

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CLICK HERE ASK ELAINE A QUESTION NOW!

Elaine specialises in answering questions relating to DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, DIVERSITY, CAREERS, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM, AGEING.

Why Keeping Promises Are Very Important

David made a promise to Sushma whom he had met a couple times and fancied. He would ring her as soon as he got in from work that day, he said. She waited eagerly for his call because they were just getting to know each other and she was keen to have contact. But just before he was due to ring her, he got another call and was totally distracted by it. Sushma lost out because he forgot. He texted to apologise and suggested another call for the next day. However, he was busy calling so many other friends he forgot her again. He also reckoned on the 'Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen' approach. Only Sushma didn't know that!

This time she sent a text to remind him that he hadn't called twice. He said he forgot, apologised again but complained of feeling 'hassled' and made a third promise which he did not keep either because he went out. That last broken promise did it for Sushma. She assumed he was not worth it and stopped waiting. He also didn't call again because he felt guilty.

The Value of Promises
Very few people realise, or wish to accept, that one of the worst experiences in life to an individual is a broken promise. We all have moments when we make a promise to someone and cannot keep it, for a variety of reasons. That is understandable. However, when there is a definite pattern in breaking promises it suggests three things:

1. That the person to whom the promise is made is not really a priority in the scheme of things; not as valued as others.

2. That the person making the promise is trying to please too many people at once, perhaps to impress, but failing miserably.

3. That the promise itself is not perceived as important enough to be kept.

Promises mean a lot to people because they suggest appreciation, value and empathy and carry some pleasure in fulfillment. The effect of broken promises is resentment, undue anxiety, missed opportunities and a lack of trust in future promises for one party, and a chain of guilt and feelings of incapacity and inadequacy for the other. Furthermore, a promise prevents alternative action being taken which means everyone loses out all round.

Broken promises also give a feeling of false competence, they keep the person stuck in a mode of regret and are rarely associated with success. The most successful people tend to value others and keep their word because it demonstrates integrity - a key attribute for achievement. Finally, if not handled sensitively, broken promises can cause ill feeling, damage friendships and even lose business.

For example, if David did not promise to call Sushma on various occasions, she would not wait for him to do it then feel disappointed when he didn't call. Neither would David end up feeling 'hassled' by her. By promising to call, it gave Sushma the perception that she was liked by him, that there was the possibility of a friendship and something pleasurable to anticipate. More importantly, Sushma might have called David instead!

It means they would have both benefited from the contact, it would have lessened their anxieties, especially when David was under pressure. He would not have felt obliged in any way to get in touch when he couldn't, and he would have felt much better about himself, his capabilities and his outtling power. The first call would also have sorted out whether they wanted to talk again to any extent, which would have helped both parties to move on more briskly in one way or another.

Sometimes the habits we develop over a lifetime can be very limiting both in their effect on us and on others. Most people don't mind a broken promise odd occasions. We all do it at times through the pressure of living. But if it becomes a pattern then it becomes part of our personality and is a pointer to how we treat others for our own feeling of power. It really does not suggest enough respect for the person on the receiving end and would also be irritating to them to some measure.

Some Tips for Keeping Promises
First, if you find yourself prone to breaking promises, ask yourself why and try to limit your promises in any one day. It means you will only do it when you feel genuine, you will have more chance of carrying it out, especially if you are not committed to too many people, and it will be appreciated even more. If you have no intention of calling someone, or doing something for them, DON'T promise it. They won't be anxiously waiting and you won't have any guilt. It might boost your fragile ego and esteem to keep people dangling, but it only upsets everyone in the end.

Second, the best kind of friendship and approach is doing a job or favour when you FEEL like it, and not if you feel obliged. Nothing should feel forced or pressured. Third, have a look at the three reasons above for not keeping your promises and try to remedy whichever one applies to you. If you are breaking your promises repeatedly to one person, chances are you are probably doing the same to others. It not only leaves some unhappy people in its wake but it merely destroys your credibility in the process. We are all very busy people but the main thing to bear in mind is that, with time being very limited, nothing is more important than our interaction with another human being.

Just think that if you promised a dear friend or relative to call them and you didn't do it, and then he/she died the next day, you would never forget that for the rest of your life! So ALWAYS try to keep a promise or don't make one at all.

Desire for Approval
It is our desire for approval why we make promises to too many people and then end up not keeping any, which then makes us feel worse and loses us our friends. It was Bill Cosby who said: "I do not know the secret of success, but the secret of failure is trying to please too many people all the time!" Not only have I never forgotten that, but I live my life by it every day.

My aim is not to please too many people at all but to make a real difference to just ONE person each day which makes me feel great as well. It means not only will that promise carry more meaning and pleasure for both of us, but in any one year I would also have affected the lives of 365 people positively rather than try to please 5 per day and end up pleasing none.

If you value someone's friendship, or truly respect them, or you value your customers, don't make promises you can't keep because it could have an impact on them that even you are unable to foresee!

The Gift of Interaction

Back in my other life of ignorance and low awareness, someone would pay me a compliment and I would feel terribly embarrassed about it; as though I did not deserve it. They might say how wonderful I looked in that smashing dress, etc. My only reply would be an awkward, lame "You mean this thing I'm wearing? It's ages old and not that great." Throwing their honest admiration back in their face.

Someone else might offer to do something for me but I was too 'independent' to accept. I wanted to keep that independence intact and, though I got real pleasure from doing things for others, I was either too great, or undeserving, to accept anything from anyone. My sense of independence and not wishing to be obliged, or be a 'burden', would stop their efforts in their tracks!

Someone else might just wish for my company, but I was too busy for them. They were not that important in the scheme of all the other occupational, social and domestic routine things that took priority. The result? I grew increasingly deficient in the joys of human interaction.

Ram Dass, the spiritual writer, describes human interaction as the 'greatest gift' between people. We are on this earth not to live sad, lonely lives of isolation, but to interact as 'kindred Souls in a spirit of reinforcement and encouragement'. Nothing matters to us except trough another human being. Our love, our affection, our reinforcement, our promotion, our encouragement, our hugs, our victories are all achieved through others. Without another human being, life as we know it is not possible. We would simply go insane without that essential interaction to affirm our existence and value. Yet we take people (especially loved ones, children, parents, relatives, friends) so much for granted in our exalted journey of life. Travelling alone and sad becomes more important to us than sharing the journey in greater happiness and fulfilment. People gradually come second place to every other inanimate priority in our lives.

Grateful Acceptance
But that compliment or affirmation should be returned calmly with a reciprocating compliment of acknowledgement and thanks. The act someone wishes to do for us should be accepted without a murmur and with thankfulness that someone really cares enough to want to do it. We do not have to prove our independence at all in any selfish way. By living our lives our own way, without dependence on anyone, we are already giving loud signals as to who we are and wish to be. Finding time to call, to chat, to arrange a visit for someone could be the last wonderful thing you do for them in their lifetime. We do not know how long we each have left, so every day should be lived as though it could be the last, to be savoured and shared. Finally, forgiving someone - or ourself - a negative action is crucial if we are to let the past go, to savour the moment and to anticipate all the other wonderful moments coming up in our journey of life.

All those actions are extremely important because every time we deny someone the opportunity to interact with us through a compliment, an action or forgiveness we negate their efforts to reach out to us, we belittle their humble offering, we diminish their admiration for us and we exclude them from the process of living to THEIR fulfillment. In short, we deny them the opportunity of feeling good about themselves through joyful positive actions and association with what is good within us.

Interaction is a gift between two human beings. They both feel special, valued and significant from the exchange. Don't withhold that compliment today, give it freely and joyously. You don't know what it could mean for that person. It could be like an oasis of water in a parched desert. Don't refuse that kind deed, welcome it warmly and reciprocate where possible. It helps to make someone else feel special, while giving us a warm glow of usefulness. Don't withhold that forgiveness. It shows your ability to be divine rather than just human, to move on rather than hang back in an emotional rut.

I feel very special sharing this with you today and I hope you feel special for receiving it. That's the essence of life - to share with love, and being enriched by it, while we each continue on our personal journey.

AnSer Publishing (2004) ISBN 095173413X. 384 pages. Special Price: £11.99 plus £2.75 postage until 31 December 2007 ($35 US inclusive)

Most of the population are in Relationships but what state are these actually in?

The average marriage in Britain now lasts just 8 years; in the USA it is 4 years, and falling. Something is not quite right with relationships when the rate of divorce is competing with that of marriages for equal parity.

In our modern world, with all its technological advances, it is actually getting more difficult to meet the potential partners, to get married or to set up home, to stay together or to interact confidently with one another. Even worse, we are unaware that, once in a relationship, there are actually hidden forces which are working against the couple even from the day they meet!

The FIRST in-depth book on this subject matter to be written in the UK. Guaranteed to raise nuch debate and argument while providing lots of little known information about YOU, your development and YOUR relationships.

MONEY, SEX & COMPROMISE has something for everyone, including:
* How to select an ideal mate;
* The PIE secrets of personal attraction - how to be more appealing to a potential partner ;
* The power of confidence and self-esteem to dictate our actions and affect others;
* The 5 key stages of a relationship;
* How to improve your relationship and your sex life, and make them more enjoyable - and last longer;
* Why marriages should be short-term and licensed every ten years;
* The effect of perception on how teenagers are treated;
* Why men fear commitment;
* The main differences between men and women in their approach to sex;
* The effect of personal evolution on relationships.

EXCERPTS
".....Human beings do not remain fixed at any given point. As we mature in life, our attitudes, values and character change too. With life being a journey, ongoing personal exploration and development is inevitable, even if it is resisted. It follows that if someone marries young, the maturing process will ensure that their view of the world, their expectations of life and their feelings about themselves (which are all shaped by personal experience and impacted by the presence of others) will be different years later than when they first started out on their adult journey.

Thus making vows on our wedding day to live happily ever after, for better or for worse, to love each other no matter what, is sheer pie-in-the-sky which ignores life’s essential evolution! A fine pledge for that exciting and unreal moment in time, when hot love moves us to make such promises, but it often becomes a meaningless, emotional straitjacket when applied to the rest of our lives. The two people making such rash commitment will be very different by the familiarisation stage of the relationship, especially if there has been significant personal development during that time, like acquiring new skills, or a higher qualification, which tends to change our perception.

MONEY, SEX & COMPROMISE is a MUST for anyone seeking, or already in, a relationship!

How do I Get my Girlfriend to Respect me?

Q. My girlfriend doesn't think she "disses" me but I can't get her to understand what respect is. She thinks of it as courtesy. When we are together, we do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this. I wonder often why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone. I feel very close to her when she does cry about something in my presence. I am the empathy type of person and like to express my love through channels of communication. I get so frustrated when we just have sex and there is no "pillow talk"--and then she will want to play Scrabble or watch a movie. Have you any ideas how I can get her to recognize what respect is? (Paul)

A. Paul, I don't promise to have all the answers, because it is difficult forming opinions when one has info for only one side of a situation to go on, mainly your perspective. However, I'll simply raise some scenarios, purely from a woman's perspective, and see if they help in any way.

A few things leapt out of your query and I'll use them as examples.

1. "We do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this."

Paul, we shouldn't be just TELLING partners what to do, but negotiating a compromise. Only controllers dictate and expect people to follow. If you merely tell her what to do and leave her to act, or constantly complain about her efforts, she will keep doing what she has always done just to defy or punish you. Especially if she puts her needs first. What you also don't realise, is that when you do what she wants, and then tell her you don't like it, you are reinforcing the very thing you dislike. Of course it is harder to change it then. The time to express your feelings is BEFORE you both do it, then either join in on mutually agreeable terms or not at all.

You have two choices here. Either to sit down together and have some genuine, calm dialogues about what makes both you and her happy, mentioning how you feel excluded and undervalued at such moments when she merely pleases herself. Then negotiate some sort of compromise so that you BOTH get what you want as often as possible. OR you simply stop playing ball for a while, don't try to please her or join in, and then see what she does.

2. "i wonder often why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone."
Often when people stop talking, or appear angry, it is because they feel they are not being heard and are festering with resentment but lack the courage to say how they feel. Your girlfriend seems to be keeping talking to a minimum because she probably does not find the process enjoyable or endearing. So she deliberately engages in activities which give few opportunities for talking and is also silent in bed (perhaps as a form of punishment for the way she feels). I am not sure how long you have been together, but something seems to have gone in the communication and would need some genuine LISTENING on both your parts to get it back.

They say we cannot truly love another until we love ourself. The same with respect. We cannot expect it if we don't give it, neither can respect be demanded. It has to be earned too. So the first path towards getting your girlfriend to recognise respect and treat you accordingly is to do some self-examination of your way of giving respect.

3. How much do you really treat her with respect? How much does she feel valued and respected for her contributions and opinions? How equal is the partnership? Do you just notice her weaknesses and flaws with little praise for other things?

4. You say that when she cries you feel very close to her. Is it because she is more vulnerable then and more easy to control? You then feel more in charge and less threatened, more protective then as the 'man'? What about closeness at other times? Do you feel as close when she is not crying? If not, why not? Do you feel 'useless' at other times? Those questions need answering because, if you perceive your girlfriend to have a strong personality or independence, some men can find that difficult to deal with as it threatens their feeling of value, status and even their identity.

As I said, it is difficult for me to advise when I do not know your situation from both sides. Nevertheless, it is surprising what a little bit of listening rather than just telling can achieve. You might not hear what you want to hear, but at least it will provide some clues as to the root causes and also how you can both begin to remedy the situation. Or, more ominously, it could be that either one or both of you has lost your appeal and, when that goes, sadly, it never comes back which then keeps respect at rock bottom. If that is the case, or if all else fails, you might have to let that one go and seek someone more affirming and reciprocal.

I hope this is of some use, Paul, and that the new year brings tons of happiness and joy and better communication between you both. However, apart from getting her to read my blog, you cannot teach someone about respect. They have to FEEL they want to give it because it usually comes naturally when we truly care about someone and feel at one with them.

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It was Maya Angelou, the writer, who said,
"We were given two hands, one to throw and one to catch."
If you find this page, or the site, useful, DO THROW SOMETHING BACK.

Please give whatever you like to keep this informative site in place. It helps to provide more answers to many more people around the world.

The Silent Destroyer in Relationships