I found a wonderful person on the internet not long ago ago, but we had a dfference of opinion on where the relationship should go. Sadly, we went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year friendship. I wasn't ready for a new 24/7 life with someone else yet, despite the deep love we had for each other, and he wasn't keen to start afresh either because of his age. But what a fellow and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!

The passionate feelings are still there between us but I have moved on, enriched by his presence. I would not have missed the journey for the world because it all adds to our learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship and I give thanks for it. That's why I am so certain of what I want now and feel good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.

The Four Reasons for a Relationship

Everyone thinks that we all connect with strangers that we like for one main reason: being our long-term spouses or partners and that unfulfilled expectation causes the biggest disillusion in life. But that belief is a myth. Many of us do not know this, but people come into our lives for many different reasons, especially four main reasons:

1.To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn - and the lesson could be either positive or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR

2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR

3. To build up our confidence to deal with the next person in line - who could even be the big one for us - AND/OR

4. To be the genuine article: our long-term soulmates or partners.

So hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress too. Notice too that finding the right person for us has only a 25% chance of occurring whenever we meet anyone!

I thought David was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 - there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my marital crisis while I taught him an alternative view of life. And boy, did we learn! He will always be a beacon for me. I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.

Unrealistic Expectations

However, the main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships which end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4, and burden it with our expectations! But nothing could be further from the truth.

The trick is to let that first contact gradually reveal the nature of itself without too many expectations, while taking an interest in that person. Instead of just focusing on yourself, be detached, yet reciprocal, to give yourself some enjoyment and happiness in the learning process. Often we are too busy focusing on our needs, being anxious about how the relationship is going to shape up that we miss the early incompatible signals. But they are ALWAYS there!

For those in failing relationships which are proving increasingly unhappy, let it go! You have both done your jobs and are merely preventing each other from carrying on your work elsewhere, from personal self-fulfilment or even meeting the REAL one. Painful, I know, but it is really about choices and results. The ones you want for your life. If you have genuinely tried to keep it going without much change, hanging on will only lead to a bottomless pit of unhappiness and frustration which robs you of self-esteem and makes you feel worse. If you are not being validated and affirmed, you will feel awful, which shows in your actions and body, making you unattractive to others.

One of the first tell-tale signs of an unhappy relationship are people who rarely smile, with haunted looks in their eyes and weighty bodies! It never fails. But they don't even realise that's how they look! I weighed 157 pounds during the last months of my marriage. Today I am a slim 138 lbs and my confidence and happiness know no bounds. Proof that letting go of a dying relationship creates space for something new and, more likely, something magical.

You could be surprised at the outcome! When we let go, it is ALWAYS for a good reason which is not visible at the time and the rewards are usually unexpected. We just need the courage to ACT.

Without exception, all relationships have stages. Even though everyone is unique, there is enough consistency in human action to demonstrate noticeable patterns in behaviour. It is difficult to put a time frame on their evolution, because that depends mainly on the confidence, maturity and aspirations of the people involved, but relationships have, broadly speaking, three stages: honeymoon, disillusionment and accommodation. Although more subtle ones have been uncovered, these three major stages apply in a consistent globalised pattern and, no matter what form they take, it is our expectations which define their outcome. If not fulfilled, this invisible force, which is dictated by our perception, tends to be the eventual killer of the best partnerships.

Being closely allied to achievement, expectation is not only more self-centred in its influence, it also affects the level of commitment brought by both parties and controls every aspect of behaviour in the partnership. For instance, 50 or 60 years ago, most people married with the expectation that their relationship would last a lifetime, hence the vow of ‘For better or worse, till death us do part’ – a commitment that was usually binding, and maintained regardless of the personal cost. This expectation was reinforced by a society which ostracised divorced partners and often stigmatised their children too. However, the expectations of those times have changed significantly. Despite the rising divorce statistics, most people still look at marriage as a long-term, if not a lifetime, relationship, and few expect it to end in divorce. Most are also aware that, if all else fails, they can terminate the relationship without suffering the social consequences of yesteryear. These days it’s the financial consequences which usually carry the sting.

As we all know, couples do not simply marry and live happily ever after, though we all wish that to be the case. Relationships evolve naturally, most passing from a state of euphoria to uncomfortable tension over the course of time. Influenced by life transitions such as childbirth, career achievement, retirement and ageing, each stage presents special challenges which threaten to undermine the union. But the biggest problem with any relationship is the overriding expectation that the chosen one will fulfil all our needs, be everything we desire and help us to be a success in our lives.

Exchanging Ideas and Information

However, individual happiness and development are our responsibility and it is not long before the truth is out and disillusionment sets in. Award winning author, Darryl James, echoes this point. “Unfortunately, many people believe that a relationship is all about finding someone to give you what you want,” he said, “but a relationship is about an exchange of ideas and information; the exchanging of bits and pieces of each individual to form a sense of oneness.”

So what has happened to change relationships from certainty to uncertainty?

Apart from key factors like the sexual revolution, the advancement of women both in the workplace and in government, the increase in financial independence and changes in institutional policies etc., the universal common denominator in behaviour, and the catalyst for changes in attitude to relationships, are the expectations within them. What makes expectation such a significant force is the way it dictates your attitude toward your partner and determines your treatment of him, while making you impotent in controlling his expectation of you.

Expectations reflect desires. When you live by yourself, you can fulfil your expectations easily as fulfillment does not depend upon someone else. But in any relationship there is a mutual sharing of love and you cannot determine how your partner will share that love with you. Hence why disillusion often creeps in soon after the honeymoon period. Her/His expectation is always a mystery, yet it is the biggest decider of the direction the union will take. In living with a partner, you not only have two sets of expectations to take into account, you also have to contemplate how each of your partner’s reaction to those expectations will impact upon the relationship itself.

That is why, faced with all the growing resentment, partners soon learn to adjust to their expectations going unfulfilled and, in an air of resignation, simply accommodate each other's individuality instead.

If you are a single person, you most likely dream of finding the right soulmate, according to all the ideal attributes you have in mind, and according to the needs you require to be fulfilled. That is how all relationships start – from an individual, selfish perspective of finding the right person who conforms to a kind of stereotypic ideal you have built up over time. If you did not follow that selfish course, you would not find others appealing. By reflecting the mirror image your have in your head, potential partners ease themselves through the door of your consciousness and take root.

However, once we meet someone, the whole situation shifts dramatically to something else, if we wish for real success in that relationship. Being basically selfish, many people do not understand or appreciate that shift because it is difficult to suddenly change from being selfish to being a sharer. Once we are in a relationship, the important fact about it is that the relationship is not about us at all, or our needs. It gradually switches to the needs of the other person. Put simply, a relationship is about your partner and their needs, not you or yours. If they regard you in the same way - you and your needs being first to them – you have the most successful and endearing union to enjoy for a very long time.

Marian met someone she regarded as a 'wonderful guy' and tried to change her work schedules to arrange meetings with him, which she found rather difficult, in her senior position, but felt it was necessary to give them both a chance together. She was excited about the potential development between them and tried to be 'as flexible as possible', despite her busy demands. However, he wouldn't budge at all in his world to accommodate meeting times, unless they suited him entirely. The result was that it became frustrating trying to do anything together so she decided to give him a miss. If he had put her first, he could have arranged more dates with her schedule in mind. With her putting him first as well, there would not have been a need for him to change things too much because there would have been greater compromise between them. However, when one person is insistent on demands from another, merely to fulfil their own desires without thinking of the other party, it just won't work over time. The pressure of one person pleasing themself will rob the relationship of its reciprocity and enjoyment.

Switch Focus To Partners

Relationships fail because people tend to care only about what they want from their very single and narrow perspective. That might be fine for the early stage of a friendship but not when they are together. People often find it hard to register the needs of their partners in the rush to fulfil their own desires. It's all about 'me' and 'me' and 'me'. However, if we stop to switch the focus for a moment, and accept that our companions are very important for the union to work, we'll start focusing on them and work more in partnership with their perspectives to ensure success. As they would also be trying to do the same thing on our behalf, understanding of each other's perspectives is bound to increase and be more accommodating, loving and compassionate.

For a start, there will be no competition between the couple because when we truly love, there is no desire to compete; there'll be no put downs, because we'll be looking out for their interests and being more supportive of their dreams; there'll be fewer unrealistic expectations, because their feelings will be taken into account more often; also very little resentment because the couple will be working more closely together to achieve mutual aims, and there will be no looking out for No.1 as the focus will always be on No.2. There will be a greater desire to compromise because the happiness of our chosen partner will gradually become more important than our own happiness, and there is no greater feeling of worth than to see our positive effect on others.

A year after I parted from the guy I called 'the love of my life' (he was separated and fearful of starting anew at his age), the one who always puts me first, he wanted to celebrate my birthday with me. He rang me a week before to ask if that was okay and to find out how I was doing. My small business had just collapsed after 14 years so I was not feeling too good and mentioned that to him. We had the most amazing 3 hour lunch and he gave me a card at the end and asked me not to open it until he had gone. I wondered at the sudden secrecy and then gingerly prised it open when I saw him off. Inside was another small envelope with a note that said simply:"Happy Birthday, darling. If your business is not there anymore, you will need this," attached to £500 ($700) in cash. Words simply failed me at this unexpected generosity. Being very proud as I am, he knew I would have rejected any offers of help. No wonder I will never forget him.

Obviously, where you have only one party being selfless and putting the other first, the relationship won't work either because it needsreciprocity, give and take, to ensure its success. However, many relationships hit the rocks because each party is merely looking out for themself and what they want, competing with their spouse to be right or to occupy the moral high ground. Of course, in a partnership built on sharing, selfishness has no place. It is a contradiction of the shared objective and becomes totally counterproductive. The key factor in the success of any relationship is putting our partners first. They would be motivated to put us first too and we could be surprised at the difference.

If your relationship is mainly about you, or them, what is the current state of it? More important, what level of love, happiness and joy are you both experiencing in it?

In any ordinary day two people might meet who come from different sides of the tracks, one a vegetarian, perhaps, and the other a meat eater. Does it really matter in the relationship? Aren’t those mere choices which people can change at any time to accommodate those they care for?

Not quite.

Being a vegetarian carries certain beliefs about not eating animals and it is those beliefs that we choose to focus on which form our perception and dictate how we react when we see meat, or come in contact with a meat eater. Perception is thus important in a relationship because it dictates our expectation of others. It is the way we see our partner, the way we judge him, the way we expect her to behave and the way we value her in the relationship, which influences its progress. It is always tied up with our background, culture, class, colour and value system, our ethos and morality – the specific way we were brought up to view our environment. Hence the deliberate personal choice in political affiliations, religious adherence or social and ethnic groupings.

Apart from ethnic sets, membership of all other social groups is based purely upon our perception of their usefulness: the individual benefit available to us and the degree of comfort we feel with them. Our experience of them will either confirm or deny that perception, which will further influence what we pass on to others as reference – which bits we emphasise, downplay or actually omit. That is why some mixed race people in a White society perceive themselves to be ‘White’ and others choose to be ‘Black’. It depends on their degree of comfort with themselves and what they believe they represent. Those who value being White more than their Black heritage will emphasise that part of themselves and vice versa. This is because perception dictates identity while identity controls behaviour. When personal perception is not validated or reinforced by others, it precipitates an identity crisis, feelings of low esteem and general worthlessness. The impotent and excluded way many minority groups feel in Britain is a case in point.

Choosing our personality
In short, life presents us with a choice of elements which shapes our personality (traditional, conservative, extrovert, introvert, etc.) and we choose which of them we wish to make the essence of our lives, the ones which enhance our personality and goals, rejecting those which reduce our feelings of comfort and impact. That narrow view becomes our perception and it is used to control our actions and to influence our view of everyone else. Being based on a highly personal and selective choice from all the available options, each individual perception will never be like anyone else’s, though it might share key elements with others (i.e. cultural/ gender views).

The strongest perception operates when we meet someone new. for example, if we are tactile, loving, romantic or emotional, we perceive the object of our attention to reflect those characteristics too. In the heightened phase of attraction, when people want to touch and be touched, personal perception might appear to be reciprocated. But it is only later on, when other invisible forces take over, especially with regard to love, sex and living together, that the true personality comes to the fore.

Later on, if the person isn’t so tactile, isn’t so romantic or isn’t so loving, the difference will start to irritate and the couple will gradually move apart. That’s why so many relationships are vulnerable after the first year or two, and why many people are left to wonder how they could have got it so wrong. Their selective perception would have been the culprit.

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One of the most common arguments in any relationship is always centred around the notion of FAIR SHARES: Some people come to the partnership believing that, as long as they do their 'half', their 'bit' or their 'fair share' all will be well. However, our perception of a genuine 'half' can be someone else's idea of 10 per cent - a discrepancy which causes the most disagreement in relationships. There is no such thing as a successful long-term relationship where each partner gives only a personal interpretation of their half. The inevitable truth is that, after a while, the differing perceptions of sharing will result in cries of "Selfish!" or "Unfair!"

What is genuinely fair is usually decided between both parties in advance of living together, or soon after moving in with each other. True halves have to be negotiated to become the couple's reality. Better to come to the union expecting to give 100 percent and find that much less is taken from you, than prepared to give 50 per cent, only to have it regarded as insufficient! If you know that your partner is contributing more than their perceived 'fair share', it's easier for you to do the same too.

Everyone knows that improving a relationship is a difficult task. However, genuinely identifying the problems will lead to their root causes which, if addressed in a caring way, should ultimately lead to solutions. The key in all this soul-searching has to be what people want in any relationship. What, exactly, do they hope to come out of it? One cannot have an improvement if one is not sure what is lacking or what could make things better. So, perhaps the best place to begin the search for improvement is with a series of surveys conducted by AboutMarriage.com. Their Marriage Qualities Survey Results collated 932 responses from their readers to identify the top ten essential qualities for a long-lasting marriage. The most popular selections, in descending order, were: honesty, love, communication, trust, respect, commitment, humour, support, compassion and being dependable.

I was surprised at the number one choice being honesty (selected by over 700 people). I thought love or respect would top the list. But, it seems most of us just want openness and transparency. We do not want lies or stonewalling. At least, with honesty, people know where they stand in any relationship. However, when asked about the qualities of a successful marriage, love shoots right to the top. It seems that there is a subtle distinction between having a long-lasting relationship and a successful one. Perhaps being long-lasting and unhappy, with too many arguments, is not regarded as successful. Either way, love and communication head the list of our needs in any relationship with others.

In a single answer, NO. Naturally, it is far better to be independent and not dependent on a partner. But if you are labelled as 'needy' by the person you are with, or you regard a partner as too needy for you, then you are in the WRONG relationship.

I went to a seminar once, mainly to see how other people talk about relationships. But I wanted to scream out half-way into the event when one of the presenters (who obviously knew very little about the subject!) started telling everyone how we shouldn't be too 'needy', especially women. "It isn't attractive and men hate that", she informed us helpfully! What crap, I thought to myself, and walked out later when it was clear that the presentation was long on speculation and subjectivity but pretty short on real knowledge.

The starting point is that we all have needs when it comes to others. That is why Nature made us in such a way that we have to relate to each other both in the physical and emotional ways that we complement one another. We cannot exist by ourselves, otherwise we would simply go mad through isolation, loneliness and a feeling of having no value. Our validation, identity and existence come through the presence and acknowledgment of others. Hence we always have a need for interacting with other people in some way, no matter the extent we feel is appropriate for us.

If we are 'needy', it is simply that our needs have been interpreted by other people as more extensive than their own and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem comes when we are mismatched with someone whose needs are far less and who then find our expectations and behaviour overwhelming. But when we find someone who is equally 'needy', wanting everything we've got to give, and to reciprocate in turn, it is a match made in heaven!

Relationships depend on one key thing to be successful: MUTUAL ALIGNMENT. Most relationships present no problems at all if we could only find the person that matches up, or aligns, with us in four key areas:

1. VALUES
2. EXPECTATIONS
3. CAPACITY TO LOVE
4. ASPIRATIONS

Where we seem to be highly mismatched most of the time is in Item 3: Capacity to Love. People who have had little affection from parents and others tend to find it hard to reciprocate when they meet very loving people. Not having been affirmed themselves, they are often mean with outward praise, displays of affection and letting the other person feel really valued and desired. For those reasons, they would not share expectations or aspirations, hence the ensuing disappointment that is bound to arise in the relationship once the honeymoon period is over.

Second, people who have been abused in their life tend to be high on the 'needy' scale, wanting carers rather than lovers. If they find a caring type who wants to look after them, bingo! No problems in that. Finally, people who fear the development of their relationships, who are seeking perfection in them and wish to control them to avoid being hurt would also be 'needy' in assurance and guarantees. They would be constantly on alert for the possible failure they expect. Their 'need' is difficult to meet because it requires guarantees that are often impossible to give. However, matched up with a similar fearful person, that relationship could work as they would feed off each other's fears, while that kind of need would irritate someone who was less fearful, like me, and wanted things to unfold instead of making assumptions.

The most successful relationships thrive on sincerity and expressiveness, i:e, being ourselves. By being exactly who you are and showing your particular need you will always attract the right kind of people for you, the ones who want exactly that kind of feedback, but you will also repel those who don't like it. If you hide your true self at the beginning, in order to appear different from how you are, or to please someone else's expectations, you are likely to attract the wrong type who is expecting the false you, not the real one. Not surprisingly, further down the line when the pretence is over, there would be rude surprises in store for all. They might suddenly discover how 'needy' you are!

The four main relationships in my life so far have been amazing mainly because I am an extremely loving person who wears her heart on her sleeves. It means I tend to attract only similar types to me who want to receive my love and give me tons back in return, which has been heavenly. The others who are less expressive can bugger off, which makes my relationships truly affirming, loving and fantastic. I certainly cannot complain!

The message here is to be as 'needy' as you like. That's YOU, and you have to be you to be authentic and sincere. Don't allow yourself to be labelled with false terms to suit other people's inadequacies and insecurities. If you are told that you are 'too needy' by the person you are with, you need to get out of their orbit, fast, and find someone who matches you better, one who really wishes to celebrate you as you are, and vice versa.

If we have a look at men who have been wronged, especially those who caught their spouses in an act of betrayal, we come to the heart of what personal perception is all about. Men who have been betrayed tend to have a singular "victim" viewpoint of what happened. They continually blame the spouse (and later all women) without wanting to really find out why the partner might have behaved in that way.

They would never admit that they might be boring whingers, who are also lousy with sex or emotion, because what one lacks one tends to seek elsewhere. They are likely to cite what a wonderful husband they were, who worked all hours in the day to keep their home intact while the hussy of a wife was disloyal!

But homemaking, and nest-building, no matter how good and luxurious, is just one aspect of a relationship. The physical, emotional and intellectual sides are all important to keep that union intact. Often it is sheer boredom, neglect and a lack of love, attention and affection why any partner strays.

As Carl Jung says, "To be appreciated is one of the strongest basic human needs." When a person is not valued, or perceives herself to be unappreciated, no matter how worthy the partner is, trouble is not far behind.

Differing Gender Perceptions

Most men tend to see themselves in terms of career and material success, which is evident in their toys, sports and activities, while most women tend to judge their value on emotional, nurturing and physical attributes. This discrepancy in perception is one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdowns.

So long as men believe that to be a good husband is to provide for material needs - to look after hearth, home and family - while women expect emotional and physical bonding, there will be a conflict of perception between the sexes and they will always be at loggerheads about what it means to value each other, especially when women can look after themselves these modern days!

My ex-husband is a wonderful homemaker. A very caring man whom I could not fault in putting his children and home first. But, as his attention and affection gradually lessened, I perceived myself to be less valued in the home, eventually feeling unwanted, unloved and unattractive. In time, feeling very lonely and low in self-esteem, I began to look outwards for that emotional attention I craved. He could not understand that. He thought I should be very happy with what I had, like "having a roof" over my head and the fact that that he "cared" for me a lot, as he used to say. I used to reply that I wasn't an "invalid" to be "cared for", that I wanted to be loved (as he rarely said he loved me) and I did not marry a house, I married a love partner. His increasing lack of attention and affection, and constant flirting with other women, especially when I had eyes only for him, gradually helped to destroyed the relationship.

His perception of all my genuine actions was entirely negative while my perception of how I should treat him was more positive. We could never achieve anything together unless those perceptions aligned with one another in a more acceptable and agreeable way and that was not going to be possible, in view of the resentment on both sides. Small wonder I began to look outwards for affirmation, which only confirmed his worst perception and expectation of me.

Different Brains

It seems that both genders have different needs. That is not so surprising in view of the difference in their brain make-up. According to neurobiologist Louann Brizendine (The Female Brain, 2006), "Women actually use different parts of the brain and different circuits than men to accomplish the same tasks, including solving problems, processing language and generally experiencing the world." For example, studies have shown that men think about sex on average every 52 seconds, while for women it is once per day. This could be because the part of the brain, where sexual thought and behaviour is generated, "is two and a half times larger in the male"!

Brizendine observes that the brains of male and female foetuses both look the same, up until eight weeks old, when the male brain is then "flooded with testosterone" which kills off the cells relating to communication and helps to grow cells relating to sex and aggression. Not surprisingly, communication is closely allied to emotion; the need for close contact, bonding, speaking and experiencing anxiety. With women getting the lion's share of that, it is small wonder that what they expect from a relationship, and what they perceive in a betrayal will be different from that of men.

Next time you expect your partner or lover to act like you do, and they are not same sex, stop and think for a minute as to the logic of this happening when different brains, attributes, hormones and ways of seeing the world are already in play!

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How to break up with a girlfriend

Breaking up with a girlfriend is never easy especially when some men are not very good communicators and tend to shy away from the emotional hassle of having to bare their feelings to others. But one reason why breaking up is so difficult is because most people expect the person they meet to be a permanent partner, yet there are other reasons why people come into our lives, not just to be with us long term.

There are five main tips for breaking up with one's girlfriend, especially if you are the instigator, that will leave the person feeling better than expected.

1. Treat her with respect and honesty

This means being open in all actions and communication. You have to accept that, if the feeling is not mutual, she will be hurt no matter what you say. So expressing exactly what's on your mind instead of covering anything up to sweeten the bitter pill is far more preferable to her being deceived. It also means telling the person as quickly as you have made the decision, not dragging it out to suit yourself. Sometimes a guy might think he doesn't want to hurt the person too much by taking his time and being economical with the truth. But we are not responsible for people's reactions to us. We cannot stop their hurt or pain because they have to react how they feel, not according to our expectations. We can only be true to ourselves on such occasions.

2. Be prepared to listen

Often, when a guy is breaking up with a girlfriend, he is so eager to get the job done and over with, he is not interested in what the girl has to say. But if the decision is not mutual, she is entitled to know why he would wish to terminate the relationship and to have her feelings heard in return. By all means be firm in your decision, but accept that any short term pain is part and parcel of breaking up for the long term gain. It is most devastating to break from someone we care for, so being heard softens that pain to some degree. At least you would know how she feels.

3. If she still likes you, do NOT offer to stay friends

When breaking up with a girlfriend, often a guy makes himself feel better by offering to be 'friends'. Not only is that patronising, if the girl did not suggest it, but it merely drags out the pain because only one person is benefiting from that. If she still likes you, refuse any offer of friendship too because that is just one way of delaying the inevitable and it really does not help the situation.

Very few people can keep friends in a detached way with someone they still love, or value, while they watch that person taking his affections elsewhere. That is terribly painful and demoralising. You can renew a platonic friendship, if you both desire, when you have both clearly moved on with your lives and there are no intimate residual feelings getting in the way. But both of you need a cooling off period away from each other to allow the break to take effect without any idea of a seond-best 'friendship' coming into the equation to confuse the issue.

4. Stress all the things you liked about the relationship

You are breaking up with someone, try not to look at the negatives. It really doesn't matter why you are breaking up because attraction comes and goes in human beings. All that matters is an acknowledgement that you enriched each others lives for the period you were together, you enjoyed each other's company and you both benefited from the time spent together. Resist the temptation to become negative to justify the break-up. This is the time to be the real gentleman and leave her feeling good about herself by pointing out some things you loved and appreciated. If she insists on reasons for the break then emphasise the new direction you wish to take with your life rather than her inadequacies in matching it.

5. Thank her for being in your life

This is the simplest but greatest form of affirmation when you are breaking up with a girlfriend: reinforcing how much you appreciated her presence, even though you are saying goodbye. Apart from saying it face to face, a great place to do this would be on any social networks you share, like Facebook. Thank her for what she brought to the relationship and show her how much you valued it. Just because you are breaking up does not change the basic personalities you are. Some people focus on what was lacking but this is the time for gratitude too, an important point which is usually lost in the pain of these stressful times.

If you follow these five simple tips when you wish to leave a relationship, you might not see the benefits at the time you are breaking up. But the self esteem they will engender, and the memories they leave with your girlfriend, will ensure that you not only get the desired result but that you are also thought of in a far more positive way than might otherwise have occurred.

How often have you heard the sad statement, "I've been dumped" by so and so, or you've used it to bemoan the loss of a valued partner? It is a common term used to express regret and perhaps resentment at not being the right person for someone else. But is there such a thing as being 'dumped' by anyone? Let's look at the situation closely.

When people enter our lives it is likely to be for one of four main reasons:

1. To boost our confidence for the next stage of our journey;
2. To teach us something;
3. To help us out of a crisis;
4. To be our permanent partners.

Notice how we are likely to meet our soulmates ONLY 25% of the time that we come in contact with potential dates. However, the eagerness to find a partner tends to cloud our vision and judgement so that our expectations are dashed when the person does not conform to them. We then miss the real point of why they were with us in the first place. Yet, because of our ongoing development and evolution, it is difficult for two strangers to live forever and ever, no matter the wish for this to happen or the religious expectations placed upon any union. As we develop from one age to the next we CHANGE in expectations and aspirations, otherwise we would still be thinking like a teenager, with the same needs and desires, when we are 40 or 50!

We are all spiritually connected to each other in some way, so whenever anyone enters our life, it is for a reason. But we are so often judging that person, or burdening them with our expectations, we miss their mission entirely, then feel great disappointment when they fall foul of what we expect. We miss the main point that they are likely to be incompatible with our values, our desires, our needs and our aspirations. They are on their journey of discovery too and have to learn by experimenting and experience. Instead, we try to make them 'fit' our world, or we hope they grow to expectations. Many people, who are not even sure what they are looking for, often find that too difficult to live up to and continue on their way, which is then interpreted as being 'dumped' by the affected party, but there is no such thing as anyone being dumped by another. Relationships simply come to an end when there is not enough between the couple to sustain them, especially if the parties are at different stages of development.

To feel 'dumped' is to assume permanence where none was meant to be. Both partners are on their individual unpredictable journeys which will gradually unfold. Moreover, a feeling of being 'dumped' comes from a lack of self-esteem, and a failure to acknowledge that you were both unsuitable in the first place, or the friendship has come to its natural end; a failure to give thanks for what they brought to your life, and to move on. By feeling 'dumped' you refuse to acknowledge the reality and actually hand over your personal power to someone else to dictate your life. While you are feeling sorry for yourself and what has happened, you could be missing someone else who is even more suitable but would not be attracted to your self-pity or negativity.

Next time you are tempted to feel 'dumped' because someone does not wish to continue with the relationship, stop feeling inadequate and start loving yourself. Give thanks for having the person in your life, wish them well on their way and perhaps grieve for a very short time, if you feel the need to. That's normal. But prepare for the next stage of your journey, hold your head high and shout very loudly: "Next"!

You will feel tremendous for it too.

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It is very easy for our self-esteem to take a nosedive the minute we have had a break up, especially when we did not instigate it and feel rejected, because breaking-up is emotionally draining. Nothing prepares us for it. The reasons for the low self-esteem are threefold.

First, we all want to be liked and desired and tend to judge our worth by the significant others in our life, the ones we admire the most. Once they reject us, we are likely to believe that we are worthless and have no value to anyone else either. It would take quite a while for us to feel differently.

Second, if we did not love ourselves in the first place, that rejection would have cemented the negative view we have of us as 'bad' or someone not capable of being loved. To break-up with someone we really care for confirms our worst sub-conscious fears.

Many people expect their relationships to last a long time and when they break up it leads to self-blame and deep disappointment as their expectations are dashed. But relationships often break because there is one taker and one giver instead of two givers. This usually happens with people who expect to be loved but give little back in return.

The best way to keep a break-up from affecting our self-esteem is to recognise five main things.

1. Our life is a journey from birth to death. Everything we experience is designed to develop us, to help us evolve, to make us more resilient in coping with setbacks and forms the route to where we are going. Events in our lives are like signposts to the next stage, not ends in themselves. They are means to achieving what we really want. Just because one relationship did not work does not mean there is anything wrong with us. It is likely to mean a need for more experience in dealing with relationships, or a greater understanding of potential partners and their needs.

2. Begin the process of self love by daily affirmations. Most people don't really love themselves at all because they are more used to finding fault with who they are than to appreciate themselves. They expect others to love them instead to compensate for that lack, but no one can love what we reject. We have to start to accept ourselves as we are, to affirm ourselves daily as wonderful human beings before we can begin to love another person and appreciate their feelings for us. We have to stop the self-criticisms and self-negation and be happy with ourselves before anyone else can truly appreciate us.

3. Know who your are. We cannot have successful relationships and greater self-confidence if we do not know who we are, what we want in life and where we are going. Otherwise we won't recognise what we want when we see it. For example, the signs of incompatibility in a relationship are always there at the beginning, but a lack of self knowledge and our desire to make others 'fit' our grand plans blind us to their presence.

4. Accept that life consists of both pleasure and pain. We cannot have one without the other. Like pleasure, pain is a natural part of our lives, a natural twin of the pleasure we seek: birth and death, joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness - they are all double-sided coins in life. We have to accept them totally when they come our way without seeking to expect just the pleasure while missing out on the pain. It is not possible in this life. By expecting pain as well as pleasure we will keep the self blame and the self-pity to a minimum and strengthen the way we cope with break-ups.

5. Accept that we do not need someone else in our lives to make us lovable human beings, but they are desirable. It means learning to love and nurture ourselves first, to know who we are, what makes us happy and to value our independence. It keeps us from being dependent upon another human being to reinforce us while we reinforce ourselves. When that person is no longer there, it is easier to accept because we were the cake in the first place. They were mainly the icing and, as we all know, icing is not mandatory!

6. Let events in life unfold and try not to control them. Often we burden new relationships with our expectations of perfection instead of accepting whatever they bring and letting them gradually unfold before us and . We want the fairy-tale ending so much, we tend to worry and fret about what might happen in the end when that day could be our last! The best thing is to just enjoy life, each moment at a time, without too many expectations of what we want. In that way, we allow life to give us some surprises.

The essence of preventing our self-esteem from being affected by any break-up is to learn self love. By learning self-love and appreciation we will gradually accept that people will come and go in our lives but we have to live with ourselves 24/7. In that way a lover's departure might affect us briefly, but loving ourselves as we do, our journey would continue with greater determination and self-acceptance than ever before. Hopefully, we would have learnt more from that association about ourselves and move on with greater pride and clarity in who we are, our self-esteem fully intact and even higher than before.

The main rule for success from dating to marriage is: DON'T CHANGE THE RULES!

It is amazing what transformation in a couple the two little words 'MY husband' and 'MY wife' can bring. There they were, getting on fantastically during the dating process, and suddenly they are married and everything changes, then the marriage itself is blamed for what happens next. But what really changes people are three things:

1. The security of having a spouse: People become more comfortable with their dating partners and cease to do the little things which they did on the date to make that person feel wanted and loved. They begin to take the spouse for granted and become complacent in how they treat their partner. Resist the temptation to sink into complacency and security. Always keep the relationship fresh. Reciprocate that person, affirm and value them as though you are still dating and take nothing for granted. Yes, one can feel secure at not having to look for anyone else. But having a wife/husband is not the end of the loving or appreciation process. It is just the beginning.

2. Possessiveness: Just because you might have a wife or husband does not mean you own a human being. You weren't cloned at birth. You are still two independent, feeling, thinking people with your own aspirations, emotions and feelings. Expect to share a lot as a couple, but not everything in your lives. Give each other space for the individuals to continue to develop and you won't feel so claustrophobic or dependent on each other. Furthermore, you will always have something new to experience with each other. Acknowledge and respect the two people in the marriage, the same two who were dating. Nothing has changed from that time except the public commitment you made regarding a private love between you. You can feel proud of your new spouse without crowding them.

3. Taking Vows: Marriage shouldn't change anything between a couple because it is simply a public ritual to confirm a private fact, a public affirmation of the feelings felt by the couple. It shouldn't change the way they act towards each other, in reality. However, the act of marriage seems to affect a lot of people emotionally, especially in perception. They believe they have to change, to become more controlling, possessive or restrictive in their behaviour. Worst of all, expectations of partners begin to become unrealistic. The same expectations during the dating process should be carried over into marriage. Pointless expecting someone to change their behaviour or behave differently once they have tied the knot. The same person you have been dating will remain the same after the vows, and will develop even more into their personalities too. Please remember that important fact and keep those expectations at bay. It will save a lot of disappointment and frustration later on.

The main thing to remember is that whatever worked for you both during the dating stage will work perfectly well during the marriage state, except that you will both feel a little more secure with each other and the love you share will now have the foundation to grow to even greater levels if you both allow it.

Stress affects everyone to some degree, but severe stress is a feeling of being unable to cope and is a reaction to excessive demands and pressures made upon the individual. It is most likely to be maintained by a feeling of personal rejection, insignificance and worthlessness. National Statistics in Britain have reported that approximately one in six adults (excluding those in institutions) has some form of mental health problem, the most common being anxiety with depression caused by stress.

Stress is usually short, sporadic or intermittent, designed to sharpen up our capabilities in coping with life and to improve our resilience. In most cases we do just fine in reacting to it. However, it is when stress continues for long periods that trouble looms. Stress robs you of your good looks, your disposition, your health, your youthfulness, and can even take your life. It is particularly unpleasant and harmful when pressures build up or are prolonged indefinitely; when we are unable to control the demands placed upon us, when we are constantly anxious, and when support is not there when we need it. The Trades Union Congress actually attribute the causes of stress to: "Excessive work loads, long working hours, unrealistic targets, insecurity, fear of redundancy, harsh disciplinary regimes, lack of management appreciation, poor working conditions and low pay.” With a deep recession in progress, the stress would be even more unbearable as people worry about their future.

Thus there has been some welcome focus on reducing stress in the workplace. However, what has escaped everyone’s notice in the bid to make work less stressful, is the lethal level of stress caused by simply moving between relationships, especially where the desire for a break is not mutual, or where one is stuck in a relationship which makes one or both parties feel impotent, unhappy or simply miserable. These situations occur on a regular basis, often taken for granted as a necessary part of life. But wherever stress is recurrent and overwhelming, it can become life-threatening and does affect our health, particularly in lowering individual resistance to fighting illnesses. If nothing is done to reduce such stress, we can be affected by a whole range of ailments, of which the short-term ones may include headaches, sleeping difficulties, irritability, depression, forgetfulness, lack of concentration, increased consumption of alcohol, aggression or social isolation. Long-term stress is likely to cause stomach pains, panic attacks, worsening of asthma, strokes, mental breakdown, heart attacks, family breakdown or suicide, among numerous other problems. Certainly not a subject to be taken lightly.

Routine Life Crises

The primary causes of stress have always been connected to routine life crises, such as family illness, death, moving house or divorce. But, with many relationships lasting only between six months and a year, most people can expect some additional resulting trauma on at least five to six occasions in their lifetime. These are problems which most people try to avoid without ever quite succeeding, because the mere notion of expecting relationships to fail ensures that they do, in a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Stress from a break-up is thus the worst kind of stress because it contains personal rejection, momentary insecurity and loss of status/esteem for at least one party, not to mention the financial costs which may be attached. Yet it has been underestimated in its effects and overlooked by government provisions.

When we feel rejected, controlled or unappreciated, everything else in our lives pales into insignificance because we lose our sense of belonging, joy and worth. This affects whatever we do until we feel better. Bereavement of any kind and moving house might come top of the list of any stress-inducing activities, but being stuck in an unwanted relationship, which affects at least 20 per cent of couples, or being momentarily rejected by a partner, should go right to the top of that list because of the ongoing consequences they have for everyone involved.

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(Photo images used on this page (ID: 1206653 & ID: 1094930) courtesy of stock.xchng).

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