The 3Rs of Personal Success(1): Recognition Other Articles on this page. *Why a Permanent Job is Bad For You *Why am I Working so Hard Without Proper Rewards? *How Ambitious Are You? *What Do You REALLY Want? 5 Magical Ingredients For Getting It *Where is the 'Real' World? *How to Develop Good Interpersonal Skills *How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends A few years ago, I was absent-mindedly watching the regional news on television when I was suddenly rooted to the spot, overcome by feelings of surprise, elation and excitement. I had to share the moment with someone else and, in my rush to get my husband to see what was rapidly reducing me to a babbling state of incoherence, I knocked over the cup of tea, caught my jumper sleeve on the door handle and grazed my knee of the coffee table. I had never seen anyone I actually knew on television before, and there, being interviewed large as life in front of me, was the owner of the local furniture shop who had sold us our dining room chairs only the week before. I was so thrilled, anyone would have thought that I was on the box. Television suddenly gave her superhuman status and, having actually spoken to her, that somehow made us part of the unfolding scene. For days I could talk of nothing else. This event returned to mind when I received a Christmas card some months later from a girlfriend I hadn't seen in seven years. Her brief note said simply, "Saw you on television again recently and told everybody I knew you." Having seen me as a guest on a programme, she had reacted in exactly the same way, wanting to share vicariously in the brief moment of glory. All this behaviour is not so strange when we think about it carefully. In fact, television holds the key as to why we push ourselves to the limit to achieve our ambitions. It is the overwhelming desire to be somebody, if only for 60 seconds of our lives. It also explains why some people would do anything to appear 'on the box'. Yet this sort of fleeting success is not the real answer to what we individually seek because it seldom lasts as long as we would wish. What each of us secretly craves, yet do not often admit, comes in three interrelated forms: recognition, respect and, ultimately, reward. RECOGNITION Though we do routine acts for their intrinsic enjoyment and value, the real thrill of carrying out a particular task or favour comes from hearing someone else say how 'good' or 'brilliant' it was. These words of appreciation – of genuine acknowledgement for our efforts – provide the essential oils to keep the light of motivation burning and to grease the wheels of endeavour. When we do not hear them we become doubtful and fretful of our ability to perform well and begin to question our own competence. We also become watchful of others, resentful of their success and inevitably critical and envious. This is not surprising because nothing kills the human spirit quicker than to be repeatedly ignored, constantly passed over and criticised when one is trying so hard. We all like to feel our efforts are being recognised and, if there appears to be favourites who seem to be always getting the perks, and the attention, we tend to agonise, become uncooperative and low in self-esteem. We begin to wonder why we are treated differently and failure to get honest answers will negatively affect our perspective and production. External differences (like race, gender, disability) also become the focus as possible causes of the injustice. There are countless companies with increasingly low output because of gross mismanagement of staff. This is because all those words of encouragement are the vital forms of recognition we need to affirm our worth. When they are missing, our motivation goes with them too. We are all too conscious of extrovert employees who are skilled at attracting attention to themselves, the chief executive officers of industry - and politicians - who can award themselves big pay rises, or middle managers who are perceived to have done wonderful things, while the ordinary worker is overlooked in the rush for recognition. Yet the smallest faulty cog in the largest machine can bring the whole thing to a halt, a fact which often underlies substandard production through the mismanagement of human resources. We feel wanted when our contributions seem to count and are encouraged. When this is not the case, our opinion of ourself becomes questionable and our self-esteem falls dramatically. We begin to minimise former achievements and to believe everyone else is 'better' and more deserving. Changing Negative Labels Without recognition, no matter how small, we have no value in our own eyes. Many adults believe they are 'failures' because somewhere in their childhood they have been repeatedly told they are either 'stupid', 'not as clever' as their brother/sister, or they're 'heading for disaster' , etc. They internalise these negative comments and, in time, come to believe them because no one else has told them otherwise. Even as adults, they often find it difficult to change these negative labels. With few positive reference points around them where it matters, they lack the confidence to believe in themselves, regardless of their potential. Recognition has to be continuous too. We feel wanted when our contributions seem to matter and we are encouraged to actually make such efforts. If not, we immediately feel inadequate because we begin to doubt that we are as good as we used to be. That is why many people are often less bothered about a pay rise than getting the recognition they believe they deserve. For them, the extra pay may relieve financial burdens or improve their standard of living, but it is not a true barometer of their worth, neither does it affirm their value and competence in the eyes of peers who may also be getting the same pay. Without adequate recognition, once the novelty of the pay rise passes, they would be back to having feelings of self-doubt and low morale. Thus wherever pay is given the highest priority, there will also be very anxious individuals who often use the demand for extra money to compensate for their chronic lack of recognition. True recognition comes in the form of gradual self-discovery followed by the acknowledgement of peers and superiors. To be widely recognised for who we are and what we have achieved is the ultimate in public accolade because it often reinforces what we believe of ourself. It raises our status above others, making us potential role models to be emulated. Recognition through acknowledgement precedes the next stage, respect. Why a Permanent Job is Bad For You You're young, keen and 21. You may have just left training college or university. You feel you could rule the world and you have the answers to all the unasked questions. On top of that, you have an interview coming up soon, a permanent job on the horizon offering good pay, good perks and pretty good prospects. All that money and security, what more could anyone want as a starter? It is 15, maybe 20 years later and, yes, you did get that wonderful job which you had to accept, along with everything else that you found went with it: the perks, the pitfalls and the pension. You may be one of the lucky few who made it to the top and are reviewing your achievement and options from a great height, and with few regrets. Fantastic. More likely, you are staring at a blank wall in front of you, doodling vacantly on an equally blank page, bored stiff with the type of work you're doing which has long passed its done-by date, ruefully reminiscing on where it all went wrong. What have you achieved, during that time, you wonder? Nothing much, is the plaintive cry. Wistfully, you dream of missed opportunities long since gone; of things you might have done with your life, could have done and definitely won't get done before you retire. At least you still have your dreams and your pension. If only you had done this, or that, life would be so much better. But words are cheap and easy; just about the only things that are, these days, while actions are much harder. And time is flying by, much too fast for you to notice. As you already know, it's a very costly job you've got, not least for your ambitions and sense of achievement. However, there is one crumb of comfort left: you are not unique. Foiled Ambitions Millions of people are trapped in a continuous loop of foiled ambitions, crumpled hopes and fading dreams. Everywhere disillusioned staff cling precariously to delusions of enjoyment with fixed haunted smiles stuck fast to their faces, the consequence of hastily exchanging valuable talent for what looked like the key to eternal happiness - a permanent job where they never have to worry - and repenting at leisure ever since. A job for life may offer security, good conditions, a pension and career development, to some extent, but you could pay a hefty price for it in the form of a loss of personal creativity and development, freedom of thought, individual choice and personal initiative. Any job which lasts longer than 7 years without diverging or changing is bad for both employer and worker. That is why some of the unhappiest workers are in permanents jobs, especially in the public services. Fear of unemployment and not being able to pay the relentless bills keep them stuck in a groove of demotivation which robs them of their sense of worth and their confidence. It can even make them physically ill - as shown by the high absentee rate for many organisations. This is not so surprising when one considers the deleterious effects of a lack of change and challenge. Human beings need to be creative and to constantly strive for excellence if they are to attain personal fulfilment. That's how we grow and extend ourselves. Yet true creativity and job satisfaction are inversely related to any permanent post. The longer we are in situ, the less creative we are, the more we hang on to the traditional 'tried and tested' ways of doing things and the more dissatisfied and inward looking we become. The opportunities for personal growth gradually decrease as we learn the job and stay put, no longer intellectually or creatively challenged, but deathly afraid to do anything else in case we are found wanting. In fact the longer we are in any post the less worthy we believe we are of getting another job, which is rather strange considering our increased knowledge and experience. New Initiatives and Enthusiasm On the other side, employers need to take advantage of new innovations and ideas to compete within their markets. Continuous success depends upon monitoring rivals and recruiting new blood who will bring in fresh ideas, enthusiasm, new initiatives and vitality. Having the same employees forever might engender stability, loyalty, full commitment and experience but, more than likely, it also encourages stagnation, fear of change, 'yes' workers, fear of 'rocking the boat', and a lack of personal risk-taking to protect the mortgage payments. Old unchanging habits also lead to entrenched stereotypes, an unhealthy emphasis on tradition for its own sake (in place of what is right and just), narrow self-reflection, reaction instead of proaction and a reluctance to allow for other points of view. Invariably, it is always difficult for an employee to give of his/her best if there is no regular incentive. Everything attached to a permanent job, apart from bonuses, is already decided. Only an intrinsic sense of pride in the work brings its own rewards. For many people, that soon proves inadequate, though none of this happens overnight. It is a stealthy process which creeps up on us long before we are even aware of it. Why am I Working so Hard Without Proper Rewards? Q. Elaine, how is it the more I try, the worse it gets? To be happy and carefree seems an impossible request. What say you, oh wise one? I'm just feeling down at the moment, nothing going my way as usual. I work 80-100hrs a week trying to make ends meet. But every time I see the goalposts something goes wrong, and I'm back to square one again. I cannot tell my wife how I feel, because she worries more than me. (Jim) A. Hi, Jim, thanks for confiding in me. You sound exactly like where I was 10 years ago. Working every hour that God sent, for very little money, very unhappy and feeling as though I was going backwards instead of forwards. Then my marriage fell apart because someone somewhere was trying to tell me something and I had refused to listen. I was stuck on this treadmill of deadlines, on and on, being too scared to give up, yet even more scared to carry on in the same vein, while debts were piling and even less money was coming in. Then one day, without warning, I suddenly couldn't go on any more and my marriage went with it too. That was over 6 years ago. Since then, I have never felt better. I had to go backwards for a while in order to go forward, but my confidence is now at is peak, I feel as though the sky is my limit, I have time to smell the roses and, above all, I feel human again instead of a robot. I have much less money but I am far less stressed too and feeling great to be alive. Often, Jim, we forget that we are not here on earth to work, but actually to be HAPPY, to live and be creative to enjoy that living. If you are working so hard, no wonder you are so unhappy. Where is your life? Where is the appreciation of that life? Reasons for Current Actions What you are doing stems from one, or all, of 6 main things: 1. A desire for perfection. 2. A lack of positive reinforcement from those you love, so you just keep on trying to please without much gratitude. 3. Lack of confidence in yourself. 4. Fear of change. 5. Insecurity in your skills and capabilities. 6. Inability to make DECISIONS because of fear of the consequences. Which ones apply to you, Jim? And how could you change them for the better? In fact, why not re-number the list in your priority order, starting from which ones apply to you the MOST. That will tell you what you need to focus on immediately to change both the approach to your life and what is happening in it. I cannot help by advising you, as I really don't know your situation fully, but I can give some suggestions. People often take their life for granted, but the only time we are guaranteed is TODAY. If we don't make the most of it, we won't have another day like it, so time to make some changes in your life. Only you know what they need to be. If you are not sure, look at your HABITS - the way you do things. That is the way to see your future because the habits you have now will continue to give you the same results forever if you do not change them. Resisting Change If your life isn't working the way you wish, and you keep banging your head against a brick wall, it means you are resisting change by living in denial in order to keep in your little comfort zone. But when you fight against change you lose your confidence because everything becomes more difficult. Moreover, life just flashes by you, leaving you stranded along the way, and feeling even more lost and vulnerable. The simple solution for sorting out your life, even before you answer the personal questions I gave you, is to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. No matter what it is, no matter how big or small, CHANGE YOUR RESULT so that you can have something to start feeling good about again. Often people get inro a rut simply through developing habits which should have been ditched or replaced ages ago. Just like people using paper lists when they should be using computers! However, you have taken the first step by coming to me. That is a subconscious acknowledgement that something HAS to change in your life. You just need to keep searching for those answers which are relevant to your situation. As to your wife and not telling her, that is your decision, Jim. But marriage is a partnership and when partners get surprises they don't expect, that's the time they normally want out because they can't cope with the truth and are likely to distrust you from then on. However, if they are allowed to share that problem, they might have solutions you haven't even thought about. Often it is our ego which gets in the way of asking for help, and a fear of the consequences. Yet, we have to fully face whatever life throws at us, especially with the support of our partners, because that's how we become stronger, more knowledgeable, even more determined and draw closer together. Hang in there, Jim. Things will improve if you face your fears, change your approach and begin to look at all the possible solutions. just change your habits and watch the difference. How Ambitious Are You? Four hundred years ago, Sir Walter Raleigh, British explorer extraordinaire, successful courtier and poet, fancied by Queen Elizabeth the 1st, suffered a crisis of conscience. He loved the Queen and she liked him too, but not being royal caused him much anguish regarding any kind of romantic liaison between them. In a moment of whimsy and heartache, he used his diamond ring to etch the following lovesick statement on his window pane: "Fain (willingly) would I climb, yet fear I to fall." The Queen, seeming a little impatient with his dithering and obvious lack of confidence, wrote underneath, "If thy heart fails thee, climb not at all"! Much closer to our own age, nearly 120 years ago, another poet, Scotsman Robert Browning, was more forthright: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" These two examples illustrated a marked difference in the degree of love ambition the two men possessed. Despite his great courage elsewhere as an adventurer, Raleigh felt inadequate because all he could see was the possibility of failing, not the thrill of the chase or the glory of winning. Browning's ambition was boundless, without false barriers, and gave him love and immortality. Your reaction to the title of this article is likely to depend upon your gender. In our modern times ambition is an ambiguous concept which lends itself easily to contrasting gender applications and sexist malice. For example, men seem more comfortable in accepting ambition as a natural and expected part of their life. Ambition is considered an essential ingredient for the dominant male in his quest for success. He is likely to be seen as a rising star and potential high achiever; one to watch and nurture. A woman similarly endowed is often regarded as 'pushy', 'aggressive' or 'butch', words that are not exactly complimentary and are deliberately meant to imply an absence of the more 'softer' feminine traits. Negative Labels For women, too much ambition is perceived as a negative attribute, suggesting notions of self-fulfilment and importance way above their 'station' in their bid to compete with men. In view of this perspective, many females are often labelled 'ambitious' and 'very intelligent' at unsuccessful interviews, the words suddenly assuming a derogatory nuance because of their female context. This attitude could have much to do with the general understanding of the word itself. Ambition is often confused with the need for power, but that is only one small aspect of it. Ambition is actually tied to realising the extent of our capabilities while coming to terms with our innermost desires. Personal potential cannot be achieved by doing nothing and hanging back. We have to constantly go forward, testing ourselves to the limit at every opportunity, pushing against individual boundaries, to ensure complete self-fulfilment. Much frustration is caused by people who are ignorant of their own potential and, for numerous reasons, are secretly afraid to find out. Like Raleigh, they are too hung up on that possible failure instead of concentrating on the experience itself and the gains to be had. In this way, their growth is stunted from the very beginning. Others might give an air of nonchalance, and contemptuous disdain for their ambitions, while masking secret, unfulfilled, frustrating desires. At some point, we have all come in contact with the seemingly quiet type who gets on with his or her job and wishes for nothing else, outwardly disdaining material things or promotion, emphasising how 'happy' they are in what they are doing and need nothing else. Or they might detach themselves from ambitious goals. Such people appear to have no need to join the rat race, having rejected the cultural and societal norms around them. Instead, they keep their distance from anything which even hints at advancement for its own sake. Well, that's what we are supposed to see, but look again closely because there is no such free spirit. What Do You REALLY Want? 5 Magical Ingredients For Getting It Do you find it easy to know what you want and express it clearly? If not, what is holding you back? Whether we pay homage to God, Nature, the Universe or whatever, there comes a time when we seek help or intervention for something important to us, something that affects our innermost desires. Very often our prayers or requests are not granted and then we tend to lose hope. But we are not likely to have our prayers answered for three main reasons. First, we tend to pray or make our request when there is a crisis, so we pray with anxiety and desperation, the panic button at full throttle, with lots of doubts and fears, and no real belief in routine miracles or getting a result! Surprise, surprise, nothing much happens, which then confirms the lurking doubt within us that our god doesn't truly care or isn't really there! Second, any prayer to a higher unseen power takes a massive leap of faith and belief in what is possible and we tend to lack such blind faith. Third, and most important, we fail to ask specifically for what we want because we have not stopped to think about it clearly. Instead we cling to a generalised idea of our situation, a kind of cure-all "Help me, please!" plea because too many things in our life need sorting out. We are afraid to make our request specific in case it might seem unrealistic, unreasonable or even selfish to others. But that attention to specifics is what helps to provide focus, and once we start to focus we begin to energise the desire, to make it an intention rather than just a fleeting wish, which then moves people and the environment to help us to achieve it. In fact, to show how the Universe (or your God) delivers when we have faith, just think of any item, like a type and colour of car, and focus on it for a while. From that moment on, a rush of cars conforming to that type and colour will come into your vision; the articles which draw your attention in magazines are likely to relate to it and unexpected occurrences around that type of car will begin to happen. The power of thought is phenomenal for fulfilling our wishes. Sooner or later, circumstances will conspire in a series of coincidences to give us that car, if it was our desire. We are on earth to be happy and healthy; to have our desires fulfilled. However, it is a focus on negativity which keeps us feeling unhappy. The Fulfilment of Dreams There is no great mystery to fulfilling our dreams. So long as we can articulate exactly what we want, we can always achieve it with action and commitment. I am in total agreement with Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner (NLP: The New Technology of Achievement) when they say, "In NLP we believe that anyone can do anything. If its not possible the world of experience will let us know. We'll find out by doing, not by thinking that we can't." In fact, I believe that we can have anything we want in our lives if we have five simple attributes, what I call my 'magical ingredients': 1. The self-belief that we can make it happen. 2. The faith in our abilities, and a higher power, to carry it out. 3. The action and effort to bring it to fruition. 4. The willingness to pay the price in focus and commitment 5. The COURAGE and patience to see it through. There is nothing so great about my suggestion. It is the power of thought and belief that has built our world. When I use my computer I am writing on someone else's thought which they brought into being through their belief. When I use a microwave, I use someone else's thought, the direct manifestation of their faith in what is possible. When I drive my car I am enjoying Henry Ford's thought and experimentation for my comfort and journey. Every time I turn on the electric light we take for granted I am using Thomas Edison's thought and the personal courage and determination that took him 10,000 attempts and a massive leap of faith to get it working. And as you read my article you are sharing my thought and creation, the end result and confirmation of a deep faith and belief that I could actually write an articles or a book for public consumption, take action on it and find the courage and determination to bring it to life! I simply asked, believed in it, took action, and it was given. Where is the 'Real' World? How often have you heard the statement, "Welcome to the real world", especially from someone trying to change your view of life? No matter how well intended to shock, or to show you 'reality', there is no such thing as the 'real world'. The world will always remain how YOU see it, no matter how it is seen by others, until you choose to change it. If you take away all the bricks and mortar which clearly represents our tangible world, there is no other 'real world' for us to see. The reason for that is very simple. The only world we have exists inside our head and is dictated by our emotions. Nowhere else. We alone make the world we live in which explains why we each react differently to that world. That is why no two people will ever see the same world or experience the same reality. There is a key reason for this and it is called PERCEPTION. What we perceive, we are. Our individual world comes out of our cultural, gender, class, religious and social experience unique to us. If you were raised, for example, as an Amish girl, devoid of material things, and you never ever experienced the outside world in any form, your world and what you perceive it to be, will be vastly different from another girl who grew up in Manhattan in the middle of all the innovations and technology. That Amish girl would find it hard to believe that such a technological world exists until it is physically proven. Again, if you grew up under the shadow of Big Ben in the UK where guns are banned and people cannot use guns to defend themselves, you will actually feel strange, even vulnerable, if you are from America, where guns are allowed and having to live in London without a gun to 'protect' you. Different beliefs Thirdly, if you are religious and believe in God, your real world would be quite different from that of someone who does not believe in God and cannot be convinced of such. They cannot see what you see unless they genuinely wish to. Whatever we were brought up to experience, to value and to cherish, becomes the essential core of the world that we see, which is why it is so difficult to change the hearts and minds of religious fundamentalists, racists, sexists and other fanatics who genuinely believe they are right to impose their version of 'the truth' because they have not been exposed to the 'world' or 'truth' of others. Our individual perceptions of what the world should be owes nothing to a generalised reality we all share. In fact, we share nothing with anyone else except our humanity. All the social and cultural clothing we wear define our world, which is what makes agreement, negotiation or even having a relationship with someone so difficult to do. We are all operating in different worlds which shape our perception, ones that are difficult for others to access. The bottom line is that you cannot make someone else see your point of view if they have never experienced it before, unless they wish to open their minds and learn more, because it would be alien to them. What you are saying would have no meaning and therefore be irrelevant to their needs. Next time you are tempted to tell someone "Welcome to the real world", meaning yours, just remember that they might look at your 'real world' but they cannot enter it. To do so would mean giving up what they value and cherish to accommodate what you cherish. In effect, they would be leaving their own heads to go inside of yours and that is near impossible. They already have a 'real' world for themselves, whether we like it or not .. and it's theirs! How to Develop Good Interpersonal Skills Developing good interpersonal skills socially and at work begins with looking outwards; being very generous with praise and having a genuine desire to listen and encourage at every opportunity. Too many people are only interested in hearing their own voices, or putting their colleagues down. This could explain why many organisations are short on innovation but long on windbags who, having the authority and a captive audience to match, drone on relentlessly because they believe their utterances to be paramount. Like a former colleague who used to boast that, as director, he was the only person who talked at his meetings because he tended to have the best ideas. He did not like suggestions and emphasised that he always had to tell his staff what to do, because 'they never have anything to contribute'. It was no surprise that he went bust a few months later, his business having become sorely short of new input, tolerance and general goodwill. If you have any doubts about your skills in dealing with others, you could improve the situation by following some simple suggestions. 1. Never be afraid to make the first move, but try to be positive, not negative. Try to compliment, where possible 2. Aim to be clear, brief and courteous on the telephone. 3. Try to address someone by their exact name. Remembering a person's name is a sincere sign of interest, is highly flattering, and never forgotten. 4. Try to LISTEN more than you speak. You are likely to notice certain unspoken elements which would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Not only that, the person will feel you are genuinely interested in what they are saying. 5. Keep meetings short and interesting. Try to involve everyone present. It is easy to notice the articulate ones while you miss the ones who could really make a difference through encouragement. 6. Praise first and criticize later, and only if you have to. 7. Make constructive criticisms, not destructive ones, bearing in mind that there are many routes to the same end. If you show colleagues how to build on what they already have it will be far more productive than destroying the foundations they've laid mainly for your own ego. 8. Try to be more persuasive than divisive. People will go to the ends of the earth for you if they feel valued and appreciated. It means you get much more done that way. 9. Always acknowledge another person's point of view, even if you disagree with it. Their view is important to them, just as yours is important to you. If there is a deadlock, think about it for a while and agree to differ, if nothing changes. 10. Above all, it is your right to express yourself freely, to support what you believe in, as long as you remember that this right also applies to everyone else and carries much responsibility for both compromise and sensitivity. These simple guidelines may not reduce all your anxieties, or solve all your interpersonal problems, but, with regular usage, your skills should dramatically improve and your personal approach positively enhanced. In time, the quality of your interactions should become far more enjoyable and infinitely more rewarding all round. How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends It is always a difficult process making new friends and bridging that interactive gap, especially for people seeking new dates and partners. But wishing, hoping and dreaming about finding our ideal partner, without any form of strategy will lead nowhere. Serious people do not leave everything to chance. They try their utmost to increase the possibilities of meeting that ideal person by doing something about it, even if it is to strike up a simple conversation. A lack of interest in others, exaggerated fears, a need for approval, a focus on ourselves and social protocol (especially for women) make it hard for us to communicate or use our initiative to bridge that gap with a stranger. A man at a club once said that he didn't ask me to dance because he feared rejection. But he lost the possibility of acceptance too by doing nothing! Another day, I was in the local car park in my town and saw a shy-looking man gazing at me intently. He went on his business, returned to the car park at the same time as I did, and continued to look at me, hoping I would probably indicate some form of acceptance. He was quite appealing and I exchanged eye contact but said nothing. He drove off soon afterward, again lacking the courage to make a move towards me. I often wondered about him, who he was and where he was going, and I am sure he wondered about me too. But when we make no effort in such situations, nothing ever happens. For this reason, for fear of our actions being misinterpreted and because of the perfection we seek, men now dance by themselves, or talk among themselves, and women do the same, each gender lacking the courage to make a move while they drift further apart in the selection process and remain on their own for much longer. In fact, at another club, a man walked in and took up a position leaning against a wall. He never left that position for the rest of the night, not even to get some drinks. He looked sad, lonely and dejected and everyone ignored him. I wondered why he bothered to come out of his house if he wanted to just exchange one wall for another! But that's what fear and low self-esteem do for us. They rob us of opportunities to join the human race. The Art of Conversation Any interaction or conversation is like a game of tennis. If the ball is held by one person and never passed back and forth, there would be no game and it would be very boring. The ball, in our quest for a partner, refers to all the questions we ask others to reflect our curiosity. With many people being rather self-centred, they cannot see that connection and so the one-way attempt at interaction makes it difficult to sustain a dialogue, let alone any kind of relationship. I was not afraid to speak to that man in the car park. I was single and available. In fact, I never engage prolonged eye-contact with anyone unless I really want to talk to them. However, even though I responded to his gaze, the social brainwashing of a man being expected to make the first move took hold of me as I looked at him and did nothing. His fear of my rejection prevented him doing nothing too. Result: Opportunity lost. Another limiting factor is that too many people believe there is only one partner in this world who is ideal for them. But that has no basis in fact. If that were the case, we would not meet and fall in love on multiple occasions with very successful results. Our love life would be finished, once our first partner leaves the scene! It is our narrow vision of acceptability, the low expectations we carry, the lack of skills in wooing others and the preoccupation with being hurt rather than being loved, which keep us without any partners or stuck in negative relationships. Next time you see a potential soulmate, try plucking up the courage to ask just one question about them with genuine interest and see the difference. The 4 Key Steps to Resolving Personal Issues