WORK/ Interaction

Other Articles on this page.
*What Do You REALLY Want?
5 Magical Ingredients For Getting It
*Where is the 'Real' World?
*How to Develop Good Interpersonal Skills
*How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends

Four hundred years ago, Sir Walter Raleigh, British explorer extraordinaire, successful courtier and poet, fancied by Queen Elizabeth the 1st, suffered a crisis of conscience. He loved the Queen and she liked him too, but not being royal caused him much anguish regarding any kind of romantic liaison between them.

In a moment of whimsy and heartache, he used his diamond ring to etch the following lovesick statement on his window pane: "Fain (willingly) would I climb, yet fear I to fall." The Queen, seeming a little impatient with his dithering and obvious lack of confidence, wrote underneath, "If thy heart fails thee, climb not at all"!

Much closer to our own age, nearly 120 years ago, another poet, Scotsman Robert Browning, was more forthright: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"

These two examples illustrated a marked difference in the degree of love ambition the two men possessed. Despite his great courage elsewhere as an adventurer, Raleigh felt inadequate because all he could see was the possibility of failing, not the thrill of the chase or the glory of winning. Browning's ambition was boundless, without false barriers, and gave him love and immortality.

Your reaction to the title of this article is likely to depend upon your gender. In our modern times ambition is an ambiguous concept which lends itself easily to contrasting gender applications and sexist malice. For example, men seem more comfortable in accepting ambition as a natural and expected part of their life. Ambition is considered an essential ingredient for the dominant male in his quest for success. He is likely to be seen as a rising star and potential high achiever; one to watch and nurture. A woman similarly endowed is often regarded as 'pushy', 'aggressive' or 'butch', words that are not exactly complimentary and are deliberately meant to imply an absence of the more 'softer' feminine traits.

Negative Labels

For women, too much ambition is perceived as a negative attribute, suggesting notions of self-fulfilment and importance way above their 'station' in their bid to compete with men. In view of this perspective, many females are often labelled 'ambitious' and 'very intelligent' at unsuccessful interviews, the words suddenly assuming a derogatory nuance because of their female context.

This attitude could have much to do with the general understanding of the word itself. Ambition is often confused with the need for power, but that is only one small aspect of it. Ambition is actually tied to realising the extent of our capabilities while coming to terms with our innermost desires. Personal potential cannot be achieved by doing nothing and hanging back. We have to constantly go forward, testing ourselves to the limit at every opportunity, pushing against individual boundaries, to ensure complete self-fulfilment.

Much frustration is caused by people who are ignorant of their own potential and, for numerous reasons, are secretly afraid to find out. Like Raleigh, they are too hung up on that possible failure instead of concentrating on the experience itself and the gains to be had. In this way, their growth is stunted from the very beginning. Others might give an air of nonchalance, and contemptuous disdain for their ambitions, while masking secret, unfulfilled, frustrating desires.

At some point, we have all come in contact with the seemingly quiet type who gets on with his or her job and wishes for nothing else, outwardly disdaining material things or promotion, emphasising how 'happy' they are in what they are doing and need nothing else. Or they might detach themselves from ambitious goals. Such people appear to have no need to join the rat race, having rejected the cultural and societal norms around them. Instead, they keep their distance from anything which even hints at advancement for its own sake.

Well, that's what we are supposed to see, but look again closely because there is no such free spirit.

WWhat Do You REALLY Want?
5 Magical Ingredients For Getting It

Do you find it easy to know what you want and express it clearly? If not, what is holding you back?

Whether we pay homage to God, Nature, the Universe or whatever, there comes a time when we seek help or intervention for something important to us, something that affects our innermost desires. Very often our prayers or requests are not granted and then we tend to lose hope. But we are not likely to have our prayers answered for three main reasons.

First, we tend to pray or make our request when there is a crisis, so we pray with anxiety and desperation, the panic button at full throttle, with lots of doubts and fears, and no real belief in routine miracles or getting a result! Surprise, surprise, nothing much happens, which then confirms the lurking doubt within us that our god doesn't truly care or isn't really there! Second, any prayer to a higher unseen power takes a massive leap of faith and belief in what is possible and we tend to lack such blind faith. Third, and most important, we fail to ask specifically for what we want because we have not stopped to think about it clearly. Instead we cling to a generalised idea of our situation, a kind of cure-all "Help me, please!" plea because too many things in our life need sorting out. We are afraid to make our request specific in case it might seem unrealistic, unreasonable or even selfish to others.

But that attention to specifics is what helps to provide focus, and once we start to focus we begin to energise the desire, to make it an intention rather than just a fleeting wish, which then moves people and the environment to help us to achieve it. In fact, to show how the Universe (or your God) delivers when we have faith, just think of any item, like a type and colour of car, and focus on it for a while. From that moment on, a rush of cars conforming to that type and colour will come into your vision; the articles which draw your attention in magazines are likely to relate to it and unexpected occurrences around that type of car will begin to happen. The power of thought is phenomenal for fulfilling our wishes. Sooner or later, circumstances will conspire in a series of coincidences to give us that car, if it was our desire. We are on earth to be happy and healthy; to have our desires fulfilled. However, it is a focus on negativity which keeps us feeling unhappy.

The Fulfilment of Dreams
There is no great mystery to fulfilling our dreams. So long as we can articulate exactly what we want, we can always achieve it with action and commitment. I am in total agreement with Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner (NLP: The New Technology of Achievement) when they say, "In NLP we believe that anyone can do anything. If its not possible the world of experience will let us know. We'll find out by doing, not by thinking that we can't."

In fact, I believe that we can have anything we want in our lives if we have five simple attributes, what I call my 'magical ingredients':
1. The self-belief that we can make it happen.
2. The faith in our abilities, and a higher power, to carry it out.
3. The action and effort to bring it to fruition.
4. The willingness to pay the price in focus and commitment
5. The COURAGE and patience to see it through.

There is nothing so great about my suggestion. It is the power of thought and belief that has built our world. When I use my computer I am writing on someone else's thought which they brought into being through their belief. When I use a microwave, I use someone else's thought, the direct manifestation of their faith in what is possible. When I drive my car I am enjoying Henry Ford's thought and experimentation for my comfort and journey. Every time I turn on the electric light we take for granted I am using Thomas Edison's thought and the personal courage and determination that took him 10,000 attempts and a massive leap of faith to get it working. And as you read my article you are sharing my thought and creation, the end result and confirmation of a deep faith and belief that I could actually write an articles or a book for public consumption, take action on it and find the courage and determination to bring it to life! I simply asked, believed in it, took action, and it was given.

Where is the 'Real' World?

How often have you heard the statement, "Welcome to the real world", especially from someone trying to change your view of life?

No matter how well intended to shock, or to show you 'reality', there is no such thing as the 'real world'. The world will always remain how YOU see it, no matter how it is seen by others, until you choose to change it. If you take away all the bricks and mortar which clearly represents our tangible world, there is no other 'real world' for us to see. The reason for that is very simple. The only world we have exists inside our head and is dictated by our emotions. Nowhere else. We alone make the world we live in which explains why we each react differently to that world. That is why no two people will ever see the same world or experience the same reality. There is a key reason for this and it is called PERCEPTION. What we perceive, we are.

Our individual world comes out of our cultural, gender, class, religious and social experience unique to us. If you were raised, for example, as an Amish girl, devoid of material things, and you never ever experienced the outside world in any form, your world and what you perceive it to be, will be vastly different from another girl who grew up in Manhattan in the middle of all the innovations and technology. That Amish girl would find it hard to believe that such a technological world exists until it is physically proven.

Again, if you grew up under the shadow of Big Ben in the UK where guns are banned and people cannot use guns to defend themselves, you will actually feel strange, even vulnerable, if you are from America, where guns are allowed and having to live in London without a gun to 'protect' you.

Different beliefs
Thirdly, if you are religious and believe in God, your real world would be quite different from that of someone who does not believe in God and cannot be convinced of such. They cannot see what you see unless they genuinely wish to. Whatever we were brought up to experience, to value and to cherish, becomes the essential core of the world that we see, which is why it is so difficult to change the hearts and minds of religious fundamentalists, racists, sexists and other fanatics who genuinely believe they are right to impose their version of 'the truth' because they have not been exposed to the 'world' or 'truth' of others.

Our individual perceptions of what the world should be owes nothing to a generalised reality we all share. In fact, we share nothing with anyone else except our humanity. All the social and cultural clothing we wear define our world, which is what makes agreement, negotiation or even having a relationship with someone so difficult to do. We are all operating in different worlds which shape our perception, ones that are difficult for others to access.

The bottom line is that you cannot make someone else see your point of view if they have never experienced it before, unless they wish to open their minds and learn more, because it would be alien to them. What you are saying would have no meaning and therefore be irrelevant to their needs.

Next time you are tempted to tell someone "Welcome to the real world", meaning yours, just remember that they might look at your 'real world' but they cannot enter it. To do so would mean giving up what they value and cherish to accommodate what you cherish. In effect, they would be leaving their own heads to go inside of yours and that is near impossible. They already have a 'real' world for themselves, whether we like it or not .. and it's theirs!

How to Develop Good Interpersonal Skills

Developing good interpersonal skills socially and at work begins with looking outwards; being very generous with praise and having a genuine desire to listen and encourage at every opportunity. Too many people are only interested in hearing their own voices, or putting their colleagues down. This could explain why many organisations are short on innovation but long on windbags who, having the authority and a captive audience to match, drone on relentlessly because they believe their utterances to be paramount.

Like a former colleague who used to boast that, as director, he was the only person who talked at his meetings because he tended to have the best ideas. He did not like suggestions and emphasised that he always had to tell his staff what to do, because 'they never have anything to contribute'. It was no surprise that he went bust a few months later, his business having become sorely short of new input, tolerance and general goodwill.

If you have any doubts about your skills in dealing with others, you could improve the situation by following some simple suggestions.

1. Never be afraid to make the first move, but try to be positive, not negative. Try to compliment, where possible

2. Aim to be clear, brief and courteous on the telephone.

3. Try to address someone by their exact name. Remembering a person's name is a sincere sign of interest, is highly flattering, and never forgotten.

4. Try to LISTEN more than you speak. You are likely to notice certain unspoken elements which would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Not only that, the person will feel you are genuinely interested in what they are saying.

5. Keep meetings short and interesting. Try to involve everyone present. It is easy to notice the articulate ones while you miss the ones who could really make a difference through encouragement.

6. Praise first and criticize later, and only if you have to.

7. Make constructive criticisms, not destructive ones, bearing in mind that there are many routes to the same end. If you show colleagues how to build on what they already have it will be far more productive than destroying the foundations they've laid mainly for your own ego.

8. Try to be more persuasive than divisive. People will go to the ends of the earth for you if they feel valued and appreciated. It means you get much more done that way.

9. Always acknowledge another person's point of view, even if you disagree with it. Their view is important to them, just as yours is important to you. If there is a deadlock, think about it for a while and agree to differ, if nothing changes.

10. Above all, it is your right to express yourself freely, to support what you believe in, as long as you remember that this right also applies to everyone else and carries much responsibility for both compromise and sensitivity.

These simple guidelines may not reduce all your anxieties, or solve all your interpersonal problems, but, with regular usage, your skills should dramatically improve and your personal approach positively enhanced. In time, the quality of your interactions should become far more enjoyable and infinitely more rewarding all round.

How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends

It is always a difficult process making new friends and bridging that interactive gap, especially for people seeking new dates and partners. But wishing, hoping and dreaming about finding our ideal partner, without any form of strategy will lead nowhere. Serious people do not leave everything to chance. They try their utmost to increase the possibilities of meeting that ideal person by doing something about it, even if it is to strike up a simple conversation. A lack of interest in others, exaggerated fears, a need for approval, a focus on ourselves and social protocol (especially for women) make it hard for us to communicate or use our initiative to bridge that gap with a stranger.

A man at a club once said that he didn't ask me to dance because he feared rejection. But he lost the possibility of acceptance too by doing nothing! Another day, I was in the local car park in my town and saw a shy-looking man gazing at me intently. He went on his business, returned to the car park at the same time as I did, and continued to look at me, hoping I would probably indicate some form of acceptance. He was quite appealing and I exchanged eye contact but said nothing. He drove off soon afterward, again lacking the courage to make a move towards me. I often wondered about him, who he was and where he was going, and I am sure he wondered about me too. But when we make no effort in such situations, nothing ever happens.

For this reason, for fear of our actions being misinterpreted and because of the perfection we seek, men now dance by themselves, or talk among themselves, and women do the same, each gender lacking the courage to make a move while they drift further apart in the selection process and remain on their own for much longer. In fact, at another club, a man walked in and took up a position leaning against a wall. He never left that position for the rest of the night, not even to get some drinks. He looked sad, lonely and dejected and everyone ignored him. I wondered why he bothered to come out of his house if he wanted to just exchange one wall for another! But that's what fear and low self-esteem do for us. They rob us of opportunities to join the human race.

The Art of Conversation
Any interaction or conversation is like a game of tennis. If the ball is held by one person and never passed back and forth, there would be no game and it would be very boring. The ball, in our quest for a partner, refers to all the questions we ask others to reflect our curiosity. With many people being rather self-centred, they cannot see that connection and so the one-way attempt at interaction makes it difficult to sustain a dialogue, let alone any kind of relationship. I was not afraid to speak to that man in the car park. I was single and available. In fact, I never engage prolonged eye-contact with anyone unless I really want to talk to them. However, even though I responded to his gaze, the social brainwashing of a man being expected to make the first move took hold of me as I looked at him and did nothing. His fear of my rejection prevented him doing nothing too. Result: Opportunity lost.

Another limiting factor is that too many people believe there is only one partner in this world who is ideal for them. But that has no basis in fact. If that were the case, we would not meet and fall in love on multiple occasions with very successful results. Our love life would be finished, once our first partner leaves the scene! It is our narrow vision of acceptability, the low expectations we carry, the lack of skills in wooing others and the preoccupation with being hurt rather than being loved, which keep us without any partners or stuck in negative relationships.

Next time you see a potential soulmate, try plucking up the courage to ask just one question about them with genuine interest and see the difference.