SHOUT of the WEEK
60 Years Old - And Luvvin' It!
Other Articles on this page.
*Should Criticism at Work be Simply Negative?
*Why Do Some Men Cheat?
*Are New Year's Resolutions Really Important?
*Is it Better to Have Loved Than Not at All?
*Which god punishes someone for naming a toy?
*Why Do People Use Stereotypes?
*Are New Relationships Based on a Lie?
*How Would You Make the World a Better Place?
*Can Pupils Learn 'Britishness'?
*How Do I Love Myself When I Feel Like Crap?
*Are People Inherently Good?
I was 60 years old in April and it feels fabulous! Yes, you read that correctly. It feels fabulous. In fact I am not only a sensational sixty but I am also sexy, super-duper, seductive and savvy, intent on soaring to new levels of my life. I am not sure how you, who are reading this, view your life and getting older, but I love it. Last year I was 59, the year before that I was 58 and five years ago I was 55 and it doesn't feel any different today than it felt all those years ago. So if ageing feels different to you, in a negative way, it is mainly in the mind. Nowhere else. I have no wish to be 30 or 20 or 40 again because there is nothing I was doing back then that I can't do now. I might not be as agile physically but my mind is even sharper than it used to be because I exercise it so much. I also have a beautiful face, with a beautiful smile, because I use that smile so much too!
I start of my 60th year and 7th decade with an awful lot of pluses. I am beautiful, gorgeous, loving, caring, wonderful and serene. I have shelter, food, enough money for my needs and amazing friends. But most important, I am breathing. I am alive. I have a pulse. How could I take that for granted? I have a life threatening illness, yes, but who cares? We all have to die sometime. So I give gratitude for being favoured. In fact, I might keel over tomorrow if my blood sugar runs riot, but I am darn well going to make the most of today because that is all I am sure of, and what a day it is. Phenomenal!
I took some pictures, as I do on every birthday, I met up with friends and I relaxed at the end to reminisce before getting on with business as usual. I start the new year being one of the top 12 writers on Helium.com, out of 100,000 writers worldwide. That's nice. I am also among the top 7 members on Newsvine as well as their top writer (I can live with that! ), and pioneering the recognition of a branch of health that has been long overlooked and underrated - emotional health. :o)
As of today, I have written 660 articles in only three years on my subjects: emotional health, self-empowerment, relationships and dating. Put with all the other things in my life that I have already achieved, I feel fantastic about me. I am living proof that life is, indeed, what you make it and every day brings me new opportunities to make it what I want. Somedays will be crap and some will be incredible, but my own sense of value and perception will keep my happiness levels at top rate and a sense of reality in place.
For my 7th decade I have 7 main things I wish to do now:
1. To reconcile with my two great children. I love them dearly and just want us back together to get on with it. I am sure we have much to share with each other.
2. To meet a wonderful man who doesn't fear ageing either and wants us to live disgracefully ever after!
3. To complete my doctorate, or be honoured for my writings.
4. To advertise a product (the question will be which one, as it has to be something I agree with),
5. To run/walk the London marathon to raise money for people suffering from diabetes.
6. To have my own TV show around ageing and emotional health issues
7. To meet Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama and my lifelong hero, Denzel Washington (scrumptious, isn't he?)
So there you have it: my feelings and all my hopes, ambitions and expected achievements over the next 10 years. Of course, it goes without saying that I shall still be looking sexy and sensational throughout each of those years. I have deliberately written this article (Part 2 of my birthday blog) to encourage people who dread ageing. To show that it can be what we want, not what everyone else has!
Thank you my friends, supporters and fans -especially Gwenllian in Wales - for your wonderful encouragement, affirmation and simply being with me on my fascinating journey in my 50s. I now look forward to your company again in my 60s and all the amazing surprises waiting in store or us.
What a time we are going to have! Cheers!
Should Criticism at Work be Simply Negative?
Q. What do you do when someone criticize you, your work, your behavior and attitude so much so that you feel as if that person is literally tearing you into pieces?
A. Some criticism is necessary at work but the way criticism is done is what seems to cause most of the problems workers have with their appraisal. Criticism carried out in a constructive manner is designed to do five main things. To:
a. Give valuable feedback.
b. Alert the individual to inappropriate or unacceptable actions.
c. Direct the individual to more appropriate behaviour.
d. Remove the negatives while building on the positives in their work.
e. Affirm that individual's value for their contribution so far, while suggesting ideas for even greater achievements.
These five elements, especially the last one, are central to any criticisms done at work to maintain that individual's self-esteem, drive, motivation and loyalty. People will go to the ends of the earth for you if they are treated with value and respect. When those are lacking, they become resentful and negative. You can easily tell which element(s) your criticisms/appraisals are missing by doing a checklist of the above points.
All workers are there for the same two things:
First, to boost the productivity, bottom line and reputation of their organisation. And, second, to improve their own opportunities and professional development in the process. It means everyone is on the same side, working together for the common good, and the same overall aims, whether they are managers or workers. It means no one at work is more important than the other, though people might have different responsibilities within the system for the smooth operation of the organisation.
It follows that criticism done professionally and in a detached way should not be"literally tearing you into pieces" because it should not be a means of 'telling off' someone or making them feel inadequate. It should uplift them, praise them and reinforce what is acceptable, while diminishing what is not. Most people are thin- skinned when it comes to criticism, that's natural. Our egos dominate our lives. But we all know when some criticisms are needlessly harsher than others.
If criticism is used in in a purely negative way it shows five things about the manager /person doing the criticism:
a. Immaturity in developing their staff.
b. Lack of training in dealing with professional well being.
c. Lack of confidence in themselves and knowledge in managing others.
d. Lack of understanding of the content and objectives of the appraisal process.
e. Having a personal agenda against that employee to boost their own low ego.
Handled well, any appraisal can make the difference between a mediocre and an excellent employee. The main problem seems to be getting the right appraiser to allow that positive process to take effect.
Why Do Some Men Cheat?
Q. Elaine, why do some men cheat when they have a good woman? Surely, such men are no good bastards! (Marnie)
A. Obviously, we know that women cheat too, Marnie. But as the question refers to you personally, I will only deal with men here.
Men cheat for all sorts of reasons, sometimes it is simply because they can do it, or the opportunity is available. But cheating is done primarily by three types of men: those with low self esteem, those who are unhappy at home and those who are afraid of commitment and are seeking 'fun'.
Low Self Esteem
Overall, cheating is done by men with mixed, conflicting or weak values. They are not firm in their commitment, in their identity of who they wish to be, neither are they sure of what they really want in life. They tend to have low self-esteem and a lack of trust in others. No matter how 'good' or faithful the partner is, having one woman is not enough. There is always someone better outside. Perhaps being deprived of expressive love when they were younger, particularly from their mothers, there is always a doubt in their minds as to how worthy they are to women. Add to that, the competitive nature of their world, where they are always trying to impress their peers, and the usual answer is also to try to impress as many women as they can to uplift their feelings of self worth - regardless of the quality of life at home. But that merely causes heartache for the chosen women, while reinforcing the men's low self-esteem as 'bad' guys or 'bastards' in a never-ending circle.
The serial philanderer is marked by a strong desire to 'prove' something, though he is not quite sure what that is. However, it is usually about his virility, control of women, or ability to attract women. Men who go from one woman to another are also the worst at having that done to them, always feeling indignant at their women daring to fancy someone else because that is all part of what they are trying to prove, that they are the best lovers. Yet they are likely to be very poor lovers because it is always about them, no one else, and so they tend to take instead, finding it very difficult to truly give of themselves.
Unhappy Men
Married men, and those in long term relationships, cheat mainly because they believe that having a short-term affair will temporarily resolve any problems they have at home and prevent them from 'hurting' anyone long term. The fact that their partner is already being hurt by their lack of attention and affection - and being prevented from finding love too - does not seem to come into the picture. There are three problems with this approach. First, it stops the major conflicts in the relationship being acknowledged, explored and addressed. Second, it makes the situation worse because any liaison only proves starkly what is already missing at home, especially sexually. Thirdly, it deliberately ignores the fact that the man is taking his affections elsewhere which begs the question: How does giving one's self to someone else shows love and affection for the person left at home and, above all, accord her due respect for her love and support?
Finally, men in relationships stray through a conflict of perception. What their women perceive that men want from them might not be necessarily what those men actually desire, and women seldom seek to find out because they are afraid of the answers! So after the honeymoon period is over, when their heartfelt desires haven't been fulfilled, spouses soon seek it elsewhere. In the meantime the women who are affected turn on the men and blame them for their 'bad' behaviour instead of looking into themselves to see where they have missed a connection and, at worse, getting out of their demoralising situation. It is always easier to vilify others because it stops us looking at ourselves, but women aren't tied to philandering men. They can actually make a life for themself on their terms by CHOOSING to act differently. Each person is responsible for their lives. It is fear which keeps them stuck while they wait in vain for the men to change.
Fearing Commitment
The next major group of 'cheating' men are the ones who fear commitment. They want a 'secure' home, with all the trimmings, one they can return to at the end of the day, but they do not like to perceive themselves as 'married' or long term partners, stuck to one person. They like to keep their options open and so they seek 'fun', which carries the implication that marriage, or being in a relationship, is 'serious' business so one has to get the fun outside! They miss the supreme irony that if they are in a really great relationship, it would be automatic in fun and enjoyment because any relationship is supposed to make them happy. Not make them feel so terrible that they need to have 'fun' elsewhere. This category also contains ageing men who are worried about getting older and believe that by starting again with someone else, usually someone younger, it will give them a new lease of life and make them feel better, while they preserve the status quo at home to ensure the benefits from both sides.
Women as 'Victims'
I believe your question not only affects men, Marnie. Women also condone such cheating by their behaviour in sustaining it through fear of the consequences of their own reaction, and the pay-off they get from having the men with them. Women who put up with such soul-destroying behaviour by constantly 'forgiving', have no self-love or respect either. They are prepared to forgive for their own benefit too. There is always some pay-off for doing that, otherwise they would not be living in denial hoping the men will change when only self-change guarantees real alteration in such situations. Many times it is also to 'punish' the men for their actions, but they only end up punishing themselves through ongoing bitterness, resentment and pain, while becoming less attractive in the process! Negativity only destroys, it doesn't build anything. So if your man is a serial philanderer, you really are only hurting yourself and need to get out of there. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. But if he is on his third affair, he has had two chances too many, and will merely continue doing it because your presence teaches him that he can get away with it.
Women in these situations usually believe that they 'love' the men who perpetuate such gross disrespect to them, and they are loved in return. But it has nothing to do with love. Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love. And whereever someone will continually put up with something that is detrimental to themself, while they keep blaming another for their predicament, you will find firm evidence of the absence of their own self-love and respect. There will also be the deep-seated belief that they do not deserve anything better. They are likely to believe that their man, as 'bad' as he is, will be the only one to love them. And so they stay put, trying to 'love' their man, while dying inside from exclusion, hurt and neglect. Very sad, indeed, but only they have the power to change their situation by seeing it for what it really is: simple, relentless emotional abuse which will damage them in the end.
Are New Year's Resolutions Really Important?
Every New Year's day I do my ritual of looking back at the past year to see how many of my resolutions I achieved. This year I counted 8 out of 12, over 66%. Some were not really applicable any more, so my success rate could be interpreted as even better than that. I felt very pleased with myself and have promptly made new resolutions for 2008.
Two weeks into the new year, you are likely to be struggling with those resolutions you have made to improve your life in some way. You are probably wondering why you bother, when it seems so difficult to stick to them. But hang in there! Persistence usually pays off. This time of year is rife with personal promises which reflect past disappointments, frustrated dreams, lost ideals, individual yearnings and aspirations. Some people are inclined to ridicule the idea of making resolutions and trying to stick with them. But making these objectives at the start of each year is as crucial to feelings of worth and progress as actually achieving them. Many people might get despondent at not sticking to them for a long time, but any effort is better than nothing. By focusing on something you desire, you are likely to have it because you will work harder for it.
Resolutions are not just whims or idle promises. They emphasise past progress and rekindle new hopes. They demarcate the past and the present into manageable sections which acknowledge effort as well as the obstacles. They are likely to relate to losing weight, getting a new job, meeting a new soulmate, getting promotion, starting a new course, travelling, giving up smoking, reducing excesses in our lives and developing a new attitude to life, among many others. We often get strung up on not achieving all or most of those resolutions, so we become demoralised by our perceived failures in our search for perfection and then cease to bother. However, achieving all the stated resolutions is not the point. What resolutions do, in fact, is help us to acknowledge the weaknesses and gaps in our lives and then make a commitment to improve them over the next year... a period which can be easily monitored. They also give us something to look forward to, as we will make a greater effort to achieve them. That is the essence of any resolution.
Changing priorities
Thus, achieving 100% of all our resolutions is unrealistic and a fallacy. Mainly because, by the time we reach the middle of the year, our priorities would probably have changed anyway, and what we started with as a special goal would not be so important anymore. If we achieve just 20% of our goals they will have an effect on us that was not foreseen and will actually push us along, gradually, towards the person we aspire to be, or the destination we have in mind. It is when we don't even try at all that our lives take a knocking and we stay in the same rut constantly, because the need to make resolutions means that something is missing from our life which would improve its quality. We cannot ignore it.
For example, if you made three goals (to find a partner, to see some of the world and to stop smoking), this is what is likely to happen. You may find the partner first, but she smokes too. Suddenly, the need to stop smoking might not be so important anymore because you have a kindred spirit to share it with. Or you might decide you don't want to travel after all because, having fallen in love, you will both be busy planning for life together and need the travel money. Though on the face of it, you achieved only ONE of your goals, it triggered other desires which then assumed greater priority. So you actually achieved more than you thought. It's a fixation with perfection which makes us blind to other unexpected blessings.
Making personal or career resolutions are thus very important. They provide the opportunity to review your life in the past year, review where you are going, review what you are lacking and put simple steps into place, for fulfilment within a given time frame. And that is no bad thing. Self-knowledge is the greatest route to power and self-confidence. It is all about personal development and purpose in your life. Nothing helps that process more than simple resolutions at crucial points in your life.
A very Prosperous and Successful New Year to everyone reading this, and best wishes for the fulfilment of your dreams in 2008!
Is it Better to Have Loved Than Not at All?
My best friend, Gwenllian, asked me recently whether there was any truth in Tennyson's famous quote, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I didn't even have to think about that one because the answer was crystal clear: Love conquers all. It's at the heart of our existence, so how can we live without loving? For me there is no doubt that Love is the only influence on our life which makes it worth living.
Improved choices, in the quality and standard of living, have freed the modern generation of women from having to depend on their male counterparts. People who are hurt, particularly men, also become fearful of new relationships. Put the two together and you have an awful lot of people who prefer to boast about the benefits of the single life, while dying with loneliness inside, instead of actively encouraging potential partners for mutual enjoyment. They fear 'getting hurt' so much, they avoid one another like the plague, becoming hardened, loveless, unattractive people in the process. Yet life consists of both pain and love, manifested through death and rebirth, being two sides of the same coin. We cannot have one without the other other. The love is there to nourish and sustain us while the pain helps us to develop our experiences and to face our challenges with resilience and new knowledge. Take both of those opportunities away and we are like fossilised beings in a deepening rut, not getting hurt, but not being loved either, cynical in our expectation of the world while judging every one with our own negativity.
However, the results of a survey carried out in Denmark some months ago should be a little worrying for single people. It examined hundreds of heart disease patients and came to the sorry conclusion that people living on their own were twice as likely to have serious heart disease. Doctors found the risk was even higher among older, single people over 50. In fact, among the single men in the study, two-thirds of them had some kind of heart disease compared to only one-third of both women and those in relationships. The message was clear and unequivocal: any kind of relationship and connection with someone is good for us. According to the research leader, "Age is of course a risk factor, and when you combine that with living alone you have a group in the population at a very high risk."
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Which god punishes someone for naming a toy?
THUMBS DOWN to the Sudanese government for sentencing Gillian Gibbons to 15 days imprisonment for clearly making a mistake in her actions. If a child is called Muhammad, it is natural to assume that this name can apply to a teddy bear, which children love and use to comfort themselves, and be quite appropriate too. This teacher was not doing something nasty and negative, or denying respect to anyone. She was simply doing her job in motivating children and getting the best from them, especially by asking them for suggested names and accepting one of their suggestions to make them feel valued.
This woman appears to have made a mistake in allowing her students to choose this name. But, as children, they made this choice through the innocent ignorance of their age. Surely, the emphasis should be on teaching the children themselves what is not acceptable, inappropriate, or even insulting, not punished for making that choice. As the future of Sudan, they need to be learning right from wrong; learning that mistakes are allowed because they aid development, regardless of whether it relates to their religion or not. they shouldn't be losing their teacher because of simple ignorance.
However, her actions were turned into something political and, being a vulnerable woman, she was fair game for any punishment. Though the sentence was not as bad as feared, it was still a disgraceful punishment which does Sudan, and Muslims everywhere, no credit at all. Respect is at the heart of diversity but it has to be earned, it cannot be forced and it cannot be one way either. Only the government knows why it would take a simple matter of naming a toy, that the school should have resolved through education, not punishment, and turned it into a national matter. There is obviously an agenda there and it's mainly the children who have suffered for it because the school has now been closed for the rest of the year, and their teacher will be gone when they return. What good has that possibly done for all involved?
I have been very troubled by this case because it brings me back again to the whole issue of how religion is moving farther away from God as a loving Creator and protector and to be interpreted by man in whatever way he chooses to interpret it, no matter how brutal. Any religion that has to be coercive and violent in its actions towards others can never earn anyone's respect, neither can it carry much credibility, either. What that suggests is that God/Allah isn't capable of doing His own work for Himself. He is obviously so weak and powerless, He needs man to commit vile acts in His name and then provides divine confirmation for such atrocity. Anything based on fear might work for a time but the very nature of that fear ensures that its downfall will be inevitable. This is a sad day for people who believe in organised religion because any belief that merely seeks to inflict pain and pressure rather than love and understanding, is a very questionable belief system as it robs that system of natural balance.
Now we hear that protesters are calling for Ms Gibbons to be executed. For what, precisely? If they are going to excecute everyone for every simple act, what does it say about them and their religion. Can Islam really be taken seriously when it sinks to such levels of ignorance and unforgiveness?
As one commentator of the Sudan Forum observed: "There should be a hundred thousand Sudanese Muslims counter
protesters, protesting against those that call for this woman's excecution. Their silence implies tacit approval."
Yes, indeed. I have to ask that question too. Where are all these 'moderate' Muslims we keep hearing about? Do they ever take a stand on any injustice? What is their moral code of living, teaching and understanding? When do they ever stand up and allow themselves to be counted? What kind of god do they worship which is so unmerciful, believing only in punishment instead of education and forgiveness?
And, most important, what kind of god punishes a woman for simply naming a toy in our 21st century world?
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Why Do People Use Stereotypes?
Stereotypes are used to deal with the unknown on a macro level. When we fear anything, we don't understand it, lack information on it or we wish to feel superior to it, we identify observable characteristics of a few representatives (e.g of a group) and apply them to the whole. It makes everyone in the group seems less threatening or overwhelming and makes the person using the stereotype feel more comfortable and powerful. It is often racist, but it can be sexist, ageist or applied to people with specific political and religious labels like Liberals, Conservatives, Catholics, Muslims etc.
Stereotypes reflect flat, one-dimensional caricatures of people which bear little resemblance to the variety and diversity inherent in any group or race, but they surface all the time in many interactions for easy categorisation and comprehension of social and cultural behaviour. We hear a lot about stereotypes and why we should not use them, but there is nothing wrong with stereotypes, per se. We tend to judge each other by generalisations in order to understand every aspect of life, especially when faced with difference for the first time. It's a kind of shorthand way of addressing new groups without having to note every minute detail about them every moment of the day.
The brain, like any computer, works from the macro to the micro when absorbing information, seeking coherence and order by using the information it already has to sort items and people in the fastest, most stereotyped and efficient way until more data becomes available. At the first, or macro, stage, the only effective way to view people of all ilk is to focus on their similarities, what they are perceived to have in common from our state of ignorance, especially what links them together, whether positive or negative, in order to appreciate their culture/behaviour/perspectives/values, etc.
When more information becomes available, sorting switches to the micro, or individual level, to focus on the differences that set the person or group apart in their own right, and to establish the level of familiarity and comfort in dealing with the strangers/new situations. This automatic second stage process by the brain uses the diferences to assign individual characteristics to a host of original 'sameness' features. Once we appreciate the uniqueness of that individual, we begin to feel more comfortable with them and there is no further need for stereotypes. We tend to accept them as they are and tend to respect their individuality.
Generalised Labels
We are all guilty of using stereotypes at some point because, as a rule, when we have only heard of something different second-hand, and never been exposed to it, we tend to approach it in stereotypic form because we have little data to change our perception until we experience it. We tend to start with certain assumptions about it, based upon our limited knowledge of its background and origin, which then turn into generalised labels to help our understanding of it. These would include the primary differences relating to gender, race, ethnicity, age, ability, religion and nationality - the more readily observable characteristics. There's nothing wrong with that state of ignorance until we are educated about it. However, for those who wish to be prejudiced or discriminatory, or who lack confidence in themselves, this is where the process stops. They would then catalogue the group or person into a 'rigid box of acceptance or rejection', dominated by stereotypes and feelings of fear.
So, while it may be wrong to assign something negative across a whole group of people, it becomes offensive as a stereotype ONLY if we know better. When we are more aware of the uniqueness and individuality of the group, yet still persist in classifying those people in stereotypic ways, we are saying a great deal about ourselves. It is also the negative nature of stereotypes that makes them offensive because we really cannot accept a positive stereotype like, "Many African Americans are great athletes"(which appreciates and applauds their prowess), or that "Asians are good academic performers who end up in high status professions" (something which enhances that ethnic group by increasing its social and economic appeal) then react in an aggrieved manner when negative stereotypes are used as well.
The main thing to note about stereotyping is that, If the original perception of difference remains unchanged, despite added knowledge to the contrary, that's where negative stereotypes become damaging and prejudicial. Any further assumptions would be deliberate and used for a particular purpose that is rarely ever meant to be complimentary to that person or group, and is designed mainly to make the perpetrator feel superior - in effect, their own personal derogatory power tool.
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Are New Relationships Based on a Lie?
How many of us accept change willingly, or are prepared to compromise in a partnership, unless there is a great deal of personal benefit in it? Not many, it seems. Most people prefer to live in pretence in order to get what they want so that they can then enjoy the presence of someone else without really sacrificing anything to get it.
The three greatest focus in any modern relationship are money, sex and compromise. A failure to deal with these satisfactorily is not caused by the relationship per se, but merely worsened by it. The readiness to deal with them is controlled by our desire to impress which is itself dictated by individual life experiences, culture, values, personality, perception and aspirations. These influences dictate our approach to life through our personality traits and, when there is a crisis, they reveal themselves in their full glory.
Anyone can cope with life when it is calm and rosy, but the real character and worth of an individual shine through when there is stress and chaos. The main reason for this dual entity relates to our desire to be ourselves on one hand, yet to constantly impress others on the other, particularly potential partners. So, we are never likely to reveal our true selves while we are comfortable and well settled. For this reason, the longer the comfort time enjoyed in the relationship the less likely we are to truly know our partner. This is because, early in the relationship, we prefer to mirror the needs and expectations of others who matter to us until we are forced to reveal our true selves.
Why Partners Seem Different After Marriage
Thus, any new relationship is based on a kind of lie involving two strangers, who are rarely what they seem, for the primary purpose of eliciting maximum satisfaction from the new bonding. That is why partners appear to be markedly different after marriage, or after years of living together. As the saying goes, 'men marry women hoping they will stay the same forever, while women hope to change their men immediately after wedlock!'
The agenda is apparently set by both parties from the wedding day, except that each is careful not to reveal it until later. It only becomes noticeable over time as their individual personalities take over, especially if they are frustrated in their personal aims. So long as life is chugging along happily, and each half feels comfortable with the partnership, only a few easily observable characteristics will be exposed. The important ones will remain dormant and deadly for a long time until they are required.
Come a day that is stressful and problematic and new elements of the spouse's character, particularly negative ones, will be pushed to the fore. It is only a matter of time before those invisible forces take effect. Years later, when the couple seem almost like two strangers, they are likely to marvel how little they really knew their partners when they honestly thought they did. Hence the proverbial, "My wife/husband doesn't understand me", a statement which might appear rather odd, considering the near-perfect understanding during courtship! Sometimes we are fortunate to meet others whose invisible forces align with ours in a very positive way, but that is not the norm, tending more towards the exception.
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How Would You Make the World a Better Place?
We have all had this challenge before, improving the state of the world, but the world is so vast that finding something that works for everyone would be overwhelming and very few remedies would have immedate impact. Except a major one, I think.
I would make the world a better place by putting more emphasis on emotional health and well being. This sounds like common sense, but it isn't. This branch of health is little understood, or noted in any meaningful way, so one could say I am a pioneer in its content and promotion. Emotional health seems to be lumped with mental health without being recognised as the lynch pin which dictates both physical and mental states, yet is quite separate from them.
Emotional health is all about FEELINGS and SELF-LOVE. How much we love ourselves and our perception of being included and wanted by others. When feelings are negative, especially with youngsters and jilted lovers, they are likely to precipitate changes in mental and physical well being because feelings of inadequacy have to be transformed somehow, into feelings of power. We tend to feel a sense of injustice at such times and are veritable loose canons when we feel rejected, excluded and disrespected.
For example, depression is a mental state caused by the degree of negativity and inadequacy the person FELT, their emotional health, before they became depressed. One state leads to the other. It means you can be both physically and mentally at ease but emotionally screwed up, a situation most apparent in relationships, especially with partners or parents. Yet that is seldom addressed, so the person keeps repeating the same detrimental emotional pattern of behaviour everywhere they go then wonder why their relationships repeatedly fail, or give them the same results.
At the core of emotional health is personal value, confidence, self esteem and inclusion. Focus on these in every human being to make them more positive and enabling, and you have an immediate answer to many of the world's ills, especially those who feel lonely, undervalued and emotionally excluded from their society/ community, enough to become deviant and aggressive. You only have to gauge someone's emotional wellbeing by asking them how they see themselves, and rating themselves out of 10. Most people will say 6 or under, because they have a desire to be perfect beings and, in their eyes, they fall well short of that. So they focus on their perceived weaknesses instead of their uniqueness and strengths, feeling truly inadequate in the process. Without the resources to change that perception, it is guaranteed to have a knock-on effect on others, jobs and home. Yet a little self education, self-love and appreciation usually change such negativity.
Additionally, an enormous amount of money would be saved in dealing with the physical and mental ill health which often results from feelings of exclusion and insignificance, not to mention stemming the level of crime that is always associated with emotional crises and a lack of self love. Time to give emotional health its priority in human life and change the narrow way we deal with human rejection, exclusion and deviance. The world would certainly be much better for it.
The challenge is over to you now. How would YOU make the world a better place?
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Can Pupils Learn 'Britishness'?
The short answer is: No, they can't.
 You have to 'feel' something about a country to really appreciate it, and that takes time. One can learn the history of it, learn about the lifestyle, the crime, the values, the traditions, but one can only appreciate what the country truly represents by being part of it for a while. We have to feel comfortable about that particular country, being in alignment with its aims, values and mores, before we can truly realise what it represents for us. Otherwise one simply pays lip service to an ideal while feeling exactly the same. Worst still, one will also be caught in a kind of limiting limbo, while hankering after a lost 'home'.
Another important element is the whole concept of 'Britishness'. With its obvious fluidity and continually changing mores, who defines it for whom? Politicians, civil servants, sociologists? What do we leave out of those lessons and what becomes acceptable? Reggae is now an embedded part of the British culture, despite its Jamaican heritage. Will that be part of any information, question or discussion provided, or will it be some outmoded monocultural interpretation of the essence of Britishness? And what about the elements of Britishness that will not make it to the lessons but which are regarded as equally integral to those who adhere to them, practise and value them?
This is a cultural minefield, the effect of an evolving multicultural society, one that only very courageous people would dare to tread.
Personal Experience
On a personal note, it took me 10 years after arriving in Britain 40 years ago to actually 'feel' British. Until then, I strongly resisted getting a British passport, despite my ex-husband's constant encouragement, hankering back to Jamaica at every opportunity, with strong loyalties to match. I was the epitome of Lord Tebbit's yardstick for measuring British disloyalty. During those early years, I certainly felt little loyalty to Britain because the only cricket team I ever wanted to win was that of the West Indies!
The main effect of this split allegiance was that every time my British Sikh husband and I travelled anywhere with our family, he and the children would be whisked off to the fast queue while I was held back for a good old search for any ganga I was perceived to have, the dreaded 'weed' that I might have carried back with me! It didn't matter that his suitcase could have been full of it too as he passed without scrutiny. I was Jamaican so I would be automatically guilty. I soon learnt to give him all the extra bottles of rum we had that might have attracted extra attention! Being searched with little respect was so regular as to be ad nauseam. Having a Jamaican passport condemned me to the ritual of immigration racism and handy stereotype which I felt powerless to change. I certainly didn't feel 'British' when I was clearly excluded and being treated differently.
Then one morning 10 years later, I just didn't wish to be Jamaican anymore. I wanted a British passport. I had gradually realised, on subsequent visits back to the homeland, that I had little in common with the folks back 'home' and now wanted to formally acknowledge my citizenship. My perspectives had changed dramatically over the years, yet with a slow realisation of that fact. I thought like a Brit and did things like a Brit. Fellow Jamaicans used to point at us in some mirth noting how we 'acted funny'. My children and immediate family also lived in Britain and I felt I truly 'belonged'. Until that Eureka moment of acceptance, that feeling of being at one with one's homeland, any talk of teaching 'Britishness' is sheer pie in the sky.
I took 10 years, someone else might only take five, but today I adore Britain, I enjoy living here, and certainly wouldn't live anywhere else. Yet it took 10 years to have such a contented feeling of confidence and belonging in order to leave Jamaica behind. Sadly, many people never make that transition, depending on their experience. If it is negative, and they feel excluded, they tend to hanker forever after the perfect 'home' they left behind, one that would have been moving on with time, in reality, but had fossilised in their heads in an idealistic way - a situation that tends to have a tragic effect on their children's sense of self, identity and belonging too.
Pupils can learn what a narrow perspective of being 'British' is all about, from a dubious monocultural perspective, but they can never learn what it is to be truly British in the essential emotional terms of appreciation and love in such superficial process. Only time can teach them that. Nothing else.
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How Do I Love Myself When I Feel Like Crap?
Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me and my past. However, my childhood was a pretty traumatic one. In the bad old days, as I call them, I would pass a mirror, momentarily liked what I saw but then suddenly, and inexplicably, would start telling myself that I was 'crap', that I 'hated' myself and I was 'pathetic'. I had buried my trauma deep inside me, refusing to face them and, slowly, it took its toll in a continuous lack of self-love and low self-esteem. Gradually, and painfully, I learned that I had to sort out my past, face it and move on, and then begin the slow process of self-love. The wonderful result is clear to see now.
At the root of our main problems is likely to be a lack of self-love. It is much easier for us not to love ourself because the natural instinct to blame always seeks a scapegoat. When we do not wish to blame someone else for the hurt, pain or unappreciation we feel, we go inwards with the anger and beat ourselves up instead.
For example, victims of racism are likely to loathe themselves or their children, likely to tell their children how 'ugly' or 'horrible' they are, externalising the self-hate they feel. The same with victims of domestic abuse. They usually blame themselves for the violence, being willing to believe that they must have done something to deserve it and they are not worthy of anything else. This lack of self love merely perpetuates the negative situations, reinforcing the very behaviour which is hurting them.
Self-love is the Key
To value, feelings of worth, inclusion significance and ultimately respect. We cannot earn the respect of others if we have no respect for ourself. We cannot expect others to love what we reject if we have no love for ourself and we cannot expect value from others if we give ourself no value. What happens in our life happens in circular motion: whatever we feel we then give out to our world which comes back to us ten-fold through the natural Law of Attraction. So if we feel awful and negative, we give that out, the energy we send out attracts similar negative energy which then returns to haunt us even more. That is why certain people constantly have negative experiences. Nothing will change until they change their thought processes. So you need to be careful what you focus on because that is all you will get in life!
However, how do you begin to love yourself when others might not have affirmed or loved you?
A very good question, not so glib to answer because it is difficult to do. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and being undervalued by parents or lovers. However, it starts with establishing 5 things:
The value you place on yourself,
Gratitude for your life and blessings,
What you wish to do with that life,
Self-appreciation and living in the present and
Self-forgiveness.
Who is Your Personal Manager?
First, begin by looking at yourself from the outside. Ask yourself, if you were your own manager would you employ you? Would you employ someone who puts you down, tells you how terrible you are, beat you up for every mistake, loathes you and does nothing to motivate you? One who forces you to put up with violence or putdowns, to be treated like a doormat? Of course not. Yet you constantly do that to yourself! Time to sack that personal manager, that little voice of negativity within you, and get a new motivational one!
Second, begin to give thanks for your LIFE and its blessings. Your time on earth is very precious because many people have no life. Theirs have been taken while you are still enjoying yours. Appreciate that simple fact and give thanks. It is a fact of life that the more we give thanks is the more we have to be thankful for (that Law of Attraction again). Our gratitude energy goes out and attract other similar energy and bring us back much more in return.
To begin the process of self-love, we have to ask ourself these questions. When did I last give deliberate thanks for...
- waking up and seeing another day?
- the people in my life?
- the things I have been blessed with?
- the talents I have?
- the faculties that still work?
- my beauty, life and experiences?
Do I just take everything and people around me for granted?
When did I affirm and reinforce someone?
Third, what do you wish to do with that life? We are not talking about your job here. We are talking about your PURPOSE. What makes you want to jump out of bed in the mornings, makes you want to fly, thrills you with a warm glow when you think of it? That's your purpose. If you are feeling generally unhappy, you have not identified your life purpose yet, otherwise you would be almost delirious with excitement, as I am every day of my life. My work is just magic. I can actually see the difference it makes to others and that is so empowering - both to me and the receivers. You are probably just doing your job for the sake of the money, trapped by a mortgage or being a slave to material things. That will not make you feel good in the long term. It will not give you much value. When we are living to purpose the world is our oyster and everything we want gradually comes into being. We don't even have to try too hard, we just do our best and the Universe delivers.
Keep out of the past unless it is positive!
Fourth, I have learned that when we keep ourself in the past it is because we don't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded, unloved, unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself, we use our depression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienates us from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, our current unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourself of how terrible we are while making our situation worse.
We keep the negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead of facing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others and moving on. I could not forgive until I found love .. my own self-love. To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first. No one can love you for you.
But people who live in the past tend to take their present for granted, while many others have not been so privileged to have one. We have no present or future if we live in the past. We are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make a future or to appreciate what we have. Hence we come across as selfish and ungrateful.
Someone once said, "If you want to know what your future will be like, look at your habits now". Whatever habits you have today will dictate your tomorrow. If you have negative habits that keep you stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've always got. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the way you do things now, will guarantee that.
So, in a nutshell, we have to stop beating ourself up over past actions, stop aiming for perfection and stop comparing ourself to others, otherwise we will always feel inadequate. You also have to appreciate your limitations, praise yourself DAILY for being a wonderful and unique human being. Stop seeking the approval of others when the only standard should be your own, and look outwards to others in love and appreciation than just focusing on yourself.
I have found all these to be most helpful in developing self-love but, most of all, accepting myself as I am and giving thanks for every new day of my life, instead of taking it for granted, has been the biggest factor in nurturing my self love and moving me from feeling like 'crap' to feeling fabulous and fantastic.
I hope this has been of some help.
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Are People Inherently Good?
Yes, people are inherently good because they are programmed to react to love, the greatest influential force in their lives. They seek love, desire it, need it and lavish it on others because love connects them to others. When it is missing from their lives the effects can be catastrophic. Babies know no evil. It is the way they are brought up, the way they are valued, the way they are treated and the respect they get which turn those young toddlers from feel-good worthy children to angry, resentful deviants.
People simply react to how they are treated. The way they are valued dictates how they perceive themselves and their world and then they react accordingly. If it is a negative perception, then there will be the behavior to match. Even the hardest hearted person will melt with kindness and love than with anything else. If they are greeted with criticism or rejection instead, they begin to question their worth, they lose stake in their environment and community and become unfeeling monsters, in some cases, wanting only to hurt and destroy. There is always a connection between a person's experience, especially in childhood, and how he/she comes to see the world they are in. They will either welcome their life and opportunities and make the most of them, or go off the rails to be vengeful or to get attention.
One of the most subtle things which change the nature of people are expectations. Many good people change over time trying to conform to expectations while others who were likely to be deviant have actually improved their lives because of the faith and trust placed in them and high expectations of them. So people are inherently good and, if we expect them to behave in a positive manner, we are likely to get that reaction than if we assume the worst of them, yet expect them to be behave differently. So long as they are loved, appreciated and valued, we will always get the best from them.
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