Q. I am currently helping a really nice fella to find his feet with some kind words while he is going through a divorce. He says he feels really sad when he sees people together because he experiences a kind of 'relationship envy'. He feels he wants to be loved and would like a relationship with someone just now, but I have been advising him against it for various reasons.

A. It is clear to me that he might need some sex with someone (he admits that he hasn't had any in years!), and that he is suffering the usual fear and dread of breaking up a marriage and heading into the unknown, because he is rather self-absorbed with the guilt and rejection around that issue at the moment. He is also very lonely but until he is fully detached emotionally - and he isn't - seeking a relationship with someone else would be a disaster because it would be all about HIS needs, not theirs. Yes, he wants to be loved and appreciated, but what exactly does he have to give someone else, emotionally, or to share with them, at this uncertain stage of his life? He admits to not knowing himself properly and what he wants, so how will he know when he gets it and whether it is right for him?

People extricating themselves from bad relationships are often in a terrible dilemma. That is the time they feel most lonely and at sea, really needing some human warmth and loving. They need to be affirmed and valued. Yet that need is likely to be strongest at the very moment when they are incapable of returning those feelings to someone else. They would be emotionally needy in themselves, yet unable to be reciprocal until they have fully detached themselves from their situation. Furthermore, he has chosen to remain in the marital home until after the divorce. But that only delays the closure unnecessarily, keeps him in limbo, and does not give him, or his wife, any privacy to move on quickly with their lives in seeing other people.

So, being penned in by all those constraints, it is not surprising that the break is proving more traumatic and painful than it needs to be. While he frets about finding a new woman and some love, he cements his lonely position with his uncertain emotions and lifestyle. Quite a tragic dilemma to be in because he is neither coming nor going. Yet, until he ceases to focus on himself and his needs, and look outward to someone else, he won't really find what he wants, neither will he seem too attractive to others either. As William Bridges (Transitions) said in his book: "There has to be an ending before there can be a beginning". However many people drag the smelling carcass, and old mindset, of a past relationship around with them, which only repel other people, and then wonder why they are still single even years later.

When we are genuinely ready for a relationship the focus is ALWAYS outwards, never inwards, and the connection we desire is more emotional than physical. ALL relationships are about commitment, support and appreciation of some kind or other. If we cannot commit, we find it hard to support or even pamper that person, and do not really appreciate them because we are still self-absorbed, we are not really ready for a relationship. We are simply ready for some sex and detached companionship!

His situation gave me the idea to create a Relationship Reality Checklist (RRC) to see how ready he would be for a new friendship. There are some key questions that separate relationships from casual connections and this quiz should help tease out those emotions. It is also divided into two parts to show you the most problematic areas because physical stuff is always easier to sort than emotional ones. Emotional takes time while the physical needs resources to be adjusted.

How many of these questions could you answer a definite YES or NO to? Are you on level 1 (Ready) or Level 5 (Still Stuck)? Try them and see. Better still, ask your potential mate to try them too (or even do it for them!) and you will be able to see just how ready thy are compared to you! It should avoid surprises later on.

Q. I read some flirty messages from his textmate on my boyfriend's mobile phone, and I was so hurt. I told him that I read the messages and he told me, "It was nothing! You are my girlfriend and I do love you! We were just textmates and that's all". It gives us quarrels until now... I told him to stop texting her but he refuses because he thinks that it was nothing. Im getting tired, I dont know if he is loyal with me. I'm not happy with the relationship and I don't know if I'm overacting. What would you do?

A. You are not overreacting at all. it sounds as if you have been very pateint. Yes, you should get out of that friendship, and quickly. This gentleman has no love or respect for you, and he is certainly not being loyal. He is insensitive to your feelings, he does not really care as much for you as you do for him, and seems to be mainly pleasing himself. Furthermore, no one has a 'textmate' with saucy messages when one has a girl/boyfriend already. Otherwise, what is it really about? how does he define his love? Would he have been happy too with you having a guy as a 'textmate'?

When we commit, even if we are not married, we are maturely showing what we desire and suiting action to words. This guy sounds as though he wants the benefits of having your company without the commitment to go with it. However, the most important thing here is that, if he is already behaving that way now, he is not going to do any differently later on, so you will always be feeling anxious, undervalued and insecure. That's no way to live a relationship.

The final bottom line is not about changing HIM because he will always do what he wants to do. If he loves and respects you enough, he will appreciate your feelings and treat you the way he would wish to be treated. If he is not listening to what you're saying or doing anything different, despite your hurt, nothing else will happen. Other people NEVER change. The only person you can change is yourself, then others will behave differently too. Until you begin to do something different by getting out of that debilitating relationship, the only person who will continue to get more of the same is you. If you have no self-love, no one can love you either and you only get self love by treating yourself with respect. Staying in such a one-sided friendship won't enhance that self-love or your self esteem.

You both are clearly mismatched as a couple. He still wants to flirt around, still immature and low in esteem, while you are seeking some stability and commitment. You won't be happy together. However, you can find someone more suitable for you if you are prepared to make the break and allow yourself to see alternatives. You do deserve more than that!

Yes, it can, but it is unlikely to do so for two key reasons: our own emotional evolution and a lack of reciprocity.

First, as adults, we evolve through life as we age, and our needs are constantly changing to match our maturity. By the time we are 40, for example, we are naturally a different person from the one we were at 25. Our aspirations, needs and desires, and especially how we perceive ourself, would have changed, some in subtle gradual ways, others more dramatically. It means that the love we feel for someone at 25, based on who we were then, will not necessarily last until 40 or beyond, unless that partner has evolved in the same direction with us and we have the same feelings, or more, of appreciation and value towards them.

The second major reason for love failing to stay the course is a lack of give and take - reciprocity - in the relationship. Like anything else, love has to be nurtured and sustained. However, within a few years of the partnership, it is likely that the couple will begin to get very comfortable with one another and start taking each other for granted. In short, they stop making the effort to affirm and reinforce each other in loving ways. The love between them either becomes static or goes altogether because of increasing resentment and failed expectations.

Every person who meets someone on a date and falls in love with them has the potential of enjoying everlasting love if the following are in place:
a. If they love unconditionally;
b. If they affirm their partner regularly;
c. If they demonstrate that love at every opportunity;
d. If they have the confidence to know what they both want in the relationship and mutually agree to it.

However, all those things seldom happen in most relationships because of our emotional evolution which changes the way we view life. It means that the person we have expressed undying love for at 25, when we are inexperienced and just finding our way, is seldom likely to be the one we find attractive when we have reached a more experienced 45 years, when our expectations are different, our experience has taught us otherwise and our values and attitude to life have changed remarkably.

In the end it is our basic need for change as we develop that prevents us loving anyone forever. No matter how wonderful the person, after a good while with them, we really just want to try something new - a natural thing to do in order to encourage our need for ongoing stimulation.

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Q. My best friend told me this yesterday: "We are in relationship for more than a year now and we have already planned to get married. But I was taken back, when he introduced me to his friends as his 'good friend'. Why should he hide our relationship? Why he has not introduced me as his fiancee? It hurt me so much - what could be the reason?"

I think that's totally unfair. Any advice from your side?

A. That is not good or appropriate behaviour, if they are getting married. It shows a great deal of fear or a desire to live a pretend life, especially regarding his friends.



Let's take the fear first. Sometimes when people fear commitment they will drag out the plans for settling down, like the way the plans for the marriage is going; they will make all kinds of excuses about why the time is never right to settle down and they will be behaving differently from their partners. People who fear commitment and fear settling down also fear the responsibility of love: the caring, sharing and partnership side, though they love the excitement and sex attached to that friendship. They do not live in the present and really enjoy the moment. Instead they tend to fret about the future, and what effects committing to someone will have on their life. They also dread the consequences of their actions, any 'mistakes' that might come from what they do today. They simply live in fear of what could happen to pin them down to one person which then affects everything they do, especially living in a kind of denial.



It means that one partner is having to walk on eggshells to preserve the relationship, always having to go by what the other person desires instead of it being a mutual friendship. One person is always calling the shots, which leaves the other party feeling insecure, vulnerable and often unhappy, yet feeling impotent to do anything about the situation. As the other party is never in control where commitment-phobes are concerned, such a relationship will be always fraught with difficulties.



Secondly, if he is living two lives, that is a pretend one with his friends where he probably acts the eligible and available bachelor, while acting the potential groom with her, of course he would introduce her as his 'good friend'. That is what he probably told his friends when he is with them, that he has no real girlfriends. So when he is with her, he has to keep up the pretence and appearance of being single, otherwise he will lose credibility with his friends. Worse still, he could have another girlfriend/wife already which the friends know about so he has to explain this girl's presence in a non-threatening way.



Either way, it is not good. The only answer is to break off with him and let him know that she is prepared to take him back only when he is ready to commit or to acknowledge who she really is in public.

Otherwise she really should be seeking someone else. Things which start off badly in courtships do not get better on marriage. In fact, they get worse, so she would be better off out of there. If he is has so little love and respect for her that he would not be proud to show her off in public or acknowledge what she means to him then that is no relationship at all and does not augur well for their future.

Q.If you love a person to the extreme, and he or she doesn't love you, do you have the right to still love that particular person?

A. Everyone has the right to love whomever and at whatever time in their life. But love doesn't start with someone else. It starts inside of us, loving ourselves. If you love someone 'to the extreme', you are actually wanting their love to compensate for the lack of love you feel for yourself and they would find it off-putting.

When we truly love and appreciate who we are, we do not love anyone else more than we love ourselves. We meet them half way. By loving someone too much, it carries the essage that their love is more important than yours and you have to hang on to it at all costs. Furthermore, the less you love yourself and love someone too much, the less attractive and appealing you will be because that person will eventually feel claustrophobic with your constant attentions. It also carries the risk that when that person stops loving you, your world will fall apart because you have depended on them so much for their presence and affection, it will be difficult to let go. You would have done nothing to provide a strong emotional base for yourself as a fall back position, should the relationship fail, which makes any break down unbearable.

Everything in life which is most enjoyable and affirming is done in moderation. The best way to love and be loved is to begin by learning to love, appreciate and to value yourself. You would then be strong and confident enough to leave or take someone else's attention. Their love will enhance yours, not be a substitute for it. You won't need their approval or love to feel great because you are already great without them. You will be able to reinforce yourself when things don't work out.

If someone doesn't love you or want you, they are giving you a powerful message of choice and you should respect that. To still want to 'love' that person is to imply that you are not good enough for anyone else and you only belittle yourself in the process because you will continually feel inadequate and unhappy. You also stop yourself from meeting someone else by hanging back in the past feeling rejected, which makes you even less attractive. That's no way to live.

Love is something we have to give every moment of the day, every day of our lives. It is not restricted to one person or situation. However, it starts inside us through self love, confidence and self value. Once we have that fully developed within us, our capacity to love others is abundant, while at the same time keeping our distance from being too possessive or clingy. In fact, we will then have the assurance to pick and choose our mates and to readily say, 'NEXT!' when it doesn't work out as expected.

Revealing your sexual past entirely depends on the two people involved. For many people who are insecure, and desiring exclusiveness, they cannot cope with their partner's past involvement with anyone else. They often get jealous, they are apt to judge that person and it might sow the seeds of resentment. Yet acknowledging that past in some way, and connecting to it when necessary, is very important because only knowledge and acceptance of our past makes us truly whole.

Most important, the past is what makes each of us. We are the proud product of our history, whether good or bad. And every bit of that history has to be recognised, accepted and celebrated, where possible. We would not be who we are if we did not have our unique experiences. The bad and good bits together give us our identity, so we cannot pick and choose what we wish to be associated with from our past. Every person who shared our individual journey added to it and taught us something, whether positive or negative. If we pretend we didn't have those experiences, or we didn't love certain people, or didn't sleep with them, we are immediately denying who we are; hiding our past in order to get approval from someone else. But what would we be ashamed of?

Every stage of your life is necessary to take you to the present time and most of what you do in that life starts with experimenting. That's how you learn. You might have experimented in certain ways which might not make you feel too happy now, thanks to your maturity, but those actions moulded you into the wonderful person you are and were necessary then for your growth. You should be free to express them, free to explore how you learnt, assess what you learnt from a former lover, whether good or bad, and how you dealt with a past relationship. All your former lovers are markers to your development. For example, how I manage my relationships now is far more confident than I did then. I am now able to see quite clearly what was wrong with the failed relationships because I feel free to discuss them, celebrate the good bits, explore the bad aspects, being more knowledgeable now, and am able to use all that experience to good measure.

The greatest relationship has free communication at the heart of it. Any couple should be able to talk about anything in their lives if they feel like it, without being judged or without being the object of jealousy or censorship. If the two people would rather not mention it, that is okay too. However, if a relationship has visible no-go areas in it, because of personal insecurities, that is not a good partnership. It wouldn't be based on honesty and true acceptance of one another. When someone loves us, they will affirm us as we are, not what they wish us to be, and will celebrate our life with us, no matter how we lived it. That's what loving someone else really means: being totally without conditions and with complete acceptance of their past in order to share it with them.

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Q. My ex dumped me over 2 years ago because he said he needed his space. We had been together for 5 years and I never stopped loving him. Just before he was to go in for bypass surgery he got in touch with me to apologize for the way he had treated me. I had been hoping for two years that he would eventually come around, so I offered for him to stay with me while he recuperated after surgery and he has been here for over a month now. He referred to me as his girlfriend when I visited him in the hospital, but we haven't talked about any relationship yet.

A. There is nothing wrong with getting back together with an ex. People are evolving every day, week and year of their lives. It means that the person who is here today is unlikely to be the same person a year from now because they would have gained in knowledge, experience, confidence, assurance and self-awareness. In essence, they would be more mature than they are today. So they are likely to be better people down the line, if they have learnt from past actions. 



However, because you still have feelings for this man, the issue is more cloudy and needs to be resolved. You need to ask yourself whether you are just being used because he is going through a traumatic time and needs someone in his corner, and whether he will still need more 'space' when he feels better. For some people, it is amazing how they might have little use for their friends and girlfriends when they are all right, but suddenly appreciate them when they are ill. It is thus very important for you to have clarity, and soon. You need to ask him what is the position between you, whether he wants you both to try again, or not. Otherwise he will just carry own in a way that pleases him until he feels better and then he might be off again. I am not saying that will definitely happen, but it is a distinct possibility and you should be mindful of it. 



On the other hand, he is probably waiting for you to broach the subject to sort things out. If he refuses to discuss it, or to make excuses, it would be time to ask him to leave. You see, while he is occupying your heart and home without anything in return, he is stopping someone else from coming into your life, from loving you and treating you with value. Self respect means that we are never second best. We decide what is best for us and work towards it. We do not wait for the crumbs to fall off another's table, we actually make the bread ourselves.



My guess is that you could be afraid to hear his answer if you discuss the situation and so you go along with whatever he is doing, hoping for the best. But that is the biggest recipe for more hurt and is not advised. You need to bite the bullet on this one, in view of your feelings, so that at least you know where you both stand to proceed with your lives the way you both wish to.

Are you still churning inside at the loss of a relationship? Feeling wronged by it? Can't seem to let it go? Wishing you were still together or feeling angry at their actions?

The loss of a partner, especially if not by mutual agreement, means a loss of belonging and self-esteem. We suddenly cease to be attractive in our own eyes and we often do not care about anything else until our perception changes for the better. We become isolates whose value has dramatically fallen. Like Glen, a member of a dating club, who said that after his marriage broke up, he joined a few dating agencies "to make friends as quickly as possible and to avoid feeling the crap my breakdown made me feel". Interesting word he used to describe his emotions.

At such times, it is pointless telling someone to snap out of it', or that things will get better. Their lack of belonging and feeling of being unwanted means they cannot see what well-meaning advisers can. They have to go through a painful period of denial, anger, grief and acknowledgment, followed by reluctant acquiescence, then anger and, finally, full acceptance of their situation before they can even begin to come to terms with their loss and rebuild their self-esteem.

Generally, women suffer from a lack of belonging more acutely than men. Being more emotional and tactile because of their nurturing role, they are constantly questioning the behaviour of partners towards them, frequently assessing their role in the family and requiring reassurance of their place and value within it. Hence the desire to be told that they are loved, and physically shown appreciation, instead of it being merely implied. This attitude is not easily understood by many men who may be reluctant to display any form of affection too often (perhaps being deprived of it in their own childhood) and wish it to be taken for granted.

This desire to belong and have absolute commitment to the relationship means that women are deeply affected by illicit affairs while, for men, it is their egos which take a roasting (especially if their rivals are perceived to be more powerful and have higher status). They often become non-persons in the process. Both partners' sense of belonging and, indirectly, their value and usefulness in the relationship, are determined by their place within the home. Competition from other love rivals immediately brings this role into question, confuses their sense of belonging and devalues the perception of their own significance.

Allowing Natural Grief


I remember not being able to contemplate divorce for the first three months after I left home. I could not tolerate the thought of a permanent separation and saw an early reconciliation as the best result. Six months later, after the most awful isolated December I ever experienced, despite my attempts to engage dialogue, filing for divorce seemed not only natural, but long overdue. I was such a different, positive person, it was unbelievable. In effect, I had gone through all six stages without even realising it. The two weeks spent entirely on my own that Christmas (the absence of my family killed my desire to see any friends), while deeply grief-stricken, feeling sorry for myself, then very angry, was the obvious key point to see me on my way.

Allowing myself to grieve naturally, instead of wearing a 'happy' front to please others, was the most important element in my new life. It pushed me forward to full acceptance of my situation with a greater faith in me as a new single person. The death of my young sister and father during this period on my own (everything coming in threes!) served not only to increase my own appreciation of being alive but also to focus my attention even more on the need to be independent and to rebuild a positive life.

Some people who lose their jobs, their loved ones or relationships never reach the fifth and sixth stages of 'acquiescence' and 'acceptance'. Remaining locked in perennial grief and anger, they continue to question the obvious, or to be bitter and vengeful for years. The present means little to them while they cling to the past because, with the memories being so painful, they are difficult to relinquish. By living in a kind of limbo in which they feel insignificant and wronged, while clinging to a scapegoat, the past remains unresolved. Hanging on to the pain of loss, as hurtful as it may be, means they still have a cause and a 'victim' status as a crutch; one to attract continued attention and sympathy but one which prevents action, keeping them stuck in their ex's orbit, while providing a 'good' reason to do nothing to change their situation.

Emotional Void


However, along the way, they lose their sense of purpose and respect in relentless negativity. They soon develop an emotional void, which not only saps their capacity to maintain positive relationships by emphasising distrust, but also reduces their personal appeal. This often irritates potential partners and employers and keeps them at bay. It is difficult to move forward when one party is still stuck in time. Only reinforcement and affirmation from others can help, but often these times are precisely when such 'victims' are denied encouragement.

Feeling hurt and unable to bear it, people in this predicament are not exactly exciting to be with, so they often fail to attract the very sympathy, and new partners, they desperately need. At such times friends or relatives, who would be fully conversant with the story by then, often shy away to avoid feeling further discomfort, embarrassment or simple boredom. They are likely to have heard the tales of woe or seen the consequences too many times and feel powerless to effect any change.

We are on individual journeys from birth to death, developing all the time. NOTHING is permanent in life because it it's ale about change, like the four seasons. Thus everything in life happens for a reason and for our development. We should take all relationships in our stride, give thanks for them, LEARN from them, and move on being more knowledgable, more aware and more skilled, aremed with the belief that the right person for us will pass by in time. That is the only way to deal with life instead of perennially looking backwards. There really isn't anything happening back there!

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Q. We're both 41, previously married. He has lived with me nearly 2 yrs. Proposed unromantically standing in kitchen with a ring my aunt gave him which was bought from a pawn shop. Thought maybe he's not romantic, but found out he proposed to ex wife with balloons she had to pop to find message inside. Shows he can be romantic. Almost 4 months later he hasn't expressed interest in setting a date. He has done very little for me overall.

A. People can only treat us the way we treat ourselves and the fact that you keep comparing how he treats you to his other wife suggests that you are low in confidence and esteem and do not feel good because your constant comparisons make you feel even more inadequate. But you should not even have been noticing his ex. His proposal, or time spent with you, is not a competition where you are the judge and you have to continually mark his progress for him to be worthy. Time to leave his past and concentrate on your present. That relationship failed so why would you be jealous of her? You are the one with him now, not her.

From his slow actions, the type of ring he gave you and the way he has done things, it does not appear that he really loves you. I think you sense that but fear losing him too, so you blame him for your disappointment instead of leaving him to his life. We can never change anyone in their behavior. We can only change ourselves. I think you might have a decision to make so please stop right there and start again, perhaps in this suggested way.

Ask yourself what it is that you want from this guy, not just what HE wants, but what suits you. It is not about him. It's about you to begin with. If you really care about him, then decide how you wish to be treated. If you seem to be interested in being treated less than the best, that's how he will continue to treat you because all you do is reinforce his actions when you accept them without complaint. You have to set the the boundaries and the standards and those boundaries should have nothing to do with the past or anyone else, but only to do with you both and where you are heading.

Currently you are just noticing his actions but not noticing the negative way you are acting too. How have you made him feel loved recently? When did you last praise him or appreciate anything he has done for you? Your actions are important too in the equation. Talk to him about the future and, if he still seems reluctant, get out of there. Start believing in you, loving yourself, and deciding what you really want and the right person will come along for you... as night follows day. But you have to know what you want and seek it because it might literally be under your nose and you don't know it!

Love is unconditional. It is not dependent upon one person doing anything in particular, and it certainly does not depend upon expensive things or whatever. It depends on what comes from the heart, especially when both parties share commitment, respect and love. It seems that both of you are a little superficial just now and need to go back to the basics of what you really mean to each other, if at all, before you can really talk of a future.

Change in any relationship is inevitable because the two people involved are continually evolving from one stage to the next in their lives. They are bound to behave differently as they mature and their perspectives change. It is difficult to remain the same in a marriage because, almost immediately after the ceremony, the perceptions and expectations of the couple change in an unrealistic way, especially the desire to change each other into the longed-for ideal.

Many women mistakenly believe that once the ring is on and the vows are taken, they can change their men into the perceived ideal. They would like to make their men more romantic, loving, caring and appreciative. They live in the hope of changing men after they begin to live with them, to make them into the shining knight they seek. They perceive men as the clay which they can shape to their idea of perfection over time, but this is often futile as the men resist it at every turn. After all, if women find it so hard to change themselves, how can it be any easier to change their men?

For many men it is the opposite. They live in fear of the women they marry changing at all. They wish their partner to stay the same throughout the relationship, to be the exact individual they loved so much in the attraction phase: for them to stay slim, svelte and beautiful, always. But that is not possible because we all have to change as we get older and age soon take its toll. Men change too, hence the bald heads and wider girth they acquire later, but many do not acknowledge this change. They are usually too busy focusing on their partners' growing lines and sagging parts to notice anything about themselves. In fact, by living in denial regarding their own physical development, it provides the rationale to keep them from changing themselves in any way.

Additionally, the more we try to change someone, the more likely he/she is to resist and to perceive it as an assault on who they are and prefer to be. Changing others then becomes a futile process but one which, ironically, occupies a major part of our lives. Gradually we learn that only by changing ourselves and our perceptions will we get the change we seek in others. But often, by then, it is too late.

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Poor communication is the most common complaint by couples (as stated by 68 per cent of couples seeking counselling). Apparently, the average couple talk for only five minutes per day! Yet communication is the most important aspect of a relationship. Once we stop communicating, stop being affectionate and stop making love, we no longer have a relationship. There are many partnerships that lack those three essential ingredients and are still limping along to infinity, with two very unhappy individuals.

Communication is not just verbal. It includes every message, feeling, desire and thought we convey to the other person by way of eye contact, emotion or body language. The secret of communicating effectively is knowing how to avoid the unhappy, harmful interactions. Poor communicators tend to compete with one another in discussions, to blame each other constantly, to boost their egos and to find scapegoats. Everything is a competition for them and they are more interested in being right than having a successful relationship. They perceive themselves to be all-knowing, never giving an inch to anyone, while consistently demanding their own right of way.

They are not usually focused on the relationship they share, only on the arguments, tending to be secretive, self righteous and in denial, so conditions tend to be tense as they compete for control. It is mainly about who 'wins' and who is 'right' or 'wrong', with little acknowledgement of the other's feelings or fears. In their eyes, there is only ever one way of doing or seeing things and that is theirway. No one, or any other method, is ever valid or accepted.

Characteristics of poor communicators are the following:
* Criticism: They usually have a steady flow of criticism, put-downs or blame for their partner. But the trouble with blame is that it keeps us focused on our partners to prevent us seeing, or accepting, our own faults.

* Defensiveness: Neither partner feels cared for or listened to. They are both too busy defending themselves in the abusive onslaught and fighting to get their points in.

* Denial of Discussion: They respond to criticism with defensiveness, often denying everything even discussion, making excuses and accusing their partner of being 'emotional', 'stupid', 'silly' or 'mad'.

* Gift of Sanity: Poor communicators are usually the ones who claim to be 'sane' and 'reasonable' and 'caring'. They always feel put-upon and the victim.

* Biased Perception: Individual perception is usually biased, distorted or contradictory. There is also likely to be lots of exaggeration and anger instead of compromise.

* Straying from the Issue: They tend to stray from the main issue and find no solutions, especially when it is not going their way, throwing all kinds of complaints and insults at their partner, but without aiming for anything constructive.

* Mind Reading: They tend to mind read' and/or 'psychoanalyse' their partner excessively, as well as name-call and show contempt by mocking, rolling their eyes, being insulting, counter-attacking and interrupting constantly.

* Holding Out: There is a determination by poor communicators 'not to give in', only to show they are right, with lots of anger, and, eventually, deadly silence.

* Stonewalling: When the attacks get too much, or when they hear something they do not like, there is likely to be no response (stonewalling), unless it is more of what they have given before.

There are over 8 million people in Britain registered on dating sites. Considering the small population compared to other countries, that's a staggering amount of Brits using websites to find a partner - and we won't even mention the number of Americans on theirs. From a single woman's point of view I can see the benefits: it is private, as one does it from one's home and computer, much safer than going to a club or pub on one's own, there is more control over whom one sees or chats to and there are plenty of choices according to one's preferences and expectations. In fact, it is so discrete, there was even a titled Earl not so long ago on one of the posher sites, for any females who fancied being a 'Countess'! However, the only fly in the ointment is the increasing number of married people using those sites. For the very reasons quoted above, they seem to find them ideal. They can have a clandestine relationship, anywhere they happen to be in the world, thanks to their laptops, without anyone ever knowing, particularly the unsuspecting wives or husbands they live with, and so quietly have their cake and eat it.

There appears to be three types of married members. The first type seems to just need someone to talk to. They are not interested in meeting, are often articulate and wish to have new stimulation and the flattering attention of someone else. The second type are clearly unhappy in their relationships, are desperate to do something about it and are seeking support, affirmation and advice in taking the next step. Many of them are 'separated' inside the home or have acknowledged that the relationship is over but lack the courage to finalise it by themselves. Those two types one can understand to some degree but it's the third type that worries me most. The ones that are reputedly looking to spice up their life either with similar married others or single people who don't mind that kind of liaison. Seeing the comments they make on their profiles, one wonders why they bothered to get married at all, especially the ones like this man's: "I am married, intend to stay married, but I am looking for 'FUN'!"

As this kind of sentiment is repeated often in such profiles, it got me thinking about the current perception of marriage among certain folks. To them it is obviously a place for soberness and unhappiness, for grim reality, almost like a prison, perhaps, and a place for behaving 'properly'. Above all, a starchy, limiting place you leave to get the real 'fun' outside. These days, I avoid the word 'fun' altogether on dating sites, as it now carries a completely different connotation. It seems 'fun' is what you have when you do not wish for any commitment, when you think of no one except yourself and what you get outside when you are married! What a depressing way to view the most important relationship in our lives? But let's examine this perception of 'fun', for a moment.

Real fun does not come outside marriage or without any kind of commitment. That's a short term situation which suspends any long-term marital problems very briefly but which are always recurring until addressed. Furthermore, in many cases, such 'fun' makes the marriage/relationship worse because it shows the cheating partner what he/she is missing at home. Worst still, it sets up a trail of guilt which drains the relationship of its trust, openness and gaity.

The origin of real fun

Real fun comes inside us when WE are happy with ourselves, when we are honest, sincere, transparent in what we do, and respect the person we are with enough not to cheat on them. It is the most magical and enjoyable time of our lives when we are with the right person. We just want to be with them all the time, to ring them up, text them, love them and laugh with them. That happens at the beginning of almost every relationship, in the heady days of courting and romance. However, the fun starts to drain from relationships when partners stop wooing each other. Once married, they mistakenly believe they don't have to treat their partners lovingly anymore as they become overwhelmed or distracted by domesticity and career issues. Gradually, a state of neglect seeps in.

They stop thinking of each other's needs, stop loooking after one another, stop doing things together, stop taking time out for each other, stop praising and communicating to one another as all attention switches to the kids and other extraneous matters. Soon resentment creeps in as they start witholding affection and sex, start dissing each other, start carping and fault finding and blaming each other instead. In short, they begin to take their partners for granted and treat them badly creating constant emotional stress and low self-esteem, often in a desire to control or to dictate only their needs.

Of course, many people in such unhappy situations often find it difficult to say how they feel, to talk through their fears or their pain. Being afraid of living alone, they exist in a kind of internal loneliness and fear while they rob themselves of a life. Too many people seeking a 'quiet life' and not keen to 'upset' the other person ignore their basic rights of expression and deliberately conceal their anxieties, their pain or problems from their partners. Some are trapped by monetary considerations because of their material assets, should they divorce - things taking precedence over their quality of life. They stay put, pretending all is well and being 'model' partners, while busily cheating outside. They might get that 'fun' they lack in their home, yet it is no 'fun' at all in any real sense as they always have to return to the unresolved issues they have. Furthermore, the deceptive nature of such fun merely causes added emotional stress and greater feelings of inadequacy.

Need for marriage debate

Now that there are actually well subscribed sites designed for married people to get extra-marital sex and affection, and the increasing number of married people now cheating online, is it time for a public debate on the whole question of marriage, its purpose and its fallibilities? Perhaps we need a re-appraisal of marriage itself, it's worth and its function because the Internet is here to stay. We cannot go back in the past to what we had then, neither can we pretend that infidelity is not on the increase.

It must be a very painful discovery if one's partner is on a dating site, especially if you're both supposed to be 'very happy' together! So maybe it is time for everyone to ask themselves what their relationship is really like. Could it be better with a little more effort? Is that person beside you feeling really loved, wanted, desired and happy? Are YOU feeling happy too? Do you take your partner for granted and unwittingly ignore his/her needs because you've been together a long time? In short, is your marriage a 'fun' place to be or a virtual prison where either of you feels trapped, sad, neglected or resigned?

Do not accept your situation if it isn't comfortable for you because, chances are, one person is already pleasing themself elsewhere and so is quite happy with the status quo! Only some honest soul-searching could give you some answers and stave off much heartache further down the line. This is one situation where ignorance really isn't bliss. Fidelity in a relationship cannot be taken for granted anymore in the 21st century because of online distractions. It really has to be worked at, every step of the way.

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