Is Your Relationship in Danger?

Is Your Relationship in Danger of an Affair? (Quiz)

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AFFAIRS DO NOT CAUSE MARITAL DISCORD. They are the SYMPTOMS of the problems already there! How close is your relationship to falling apart? Couples tend to take unhappiness in their relationships as 'normal' until one partner cannot stand it anymore and then drops a bombshell or has an affair. People affected by affairs, especially the victims of it, tend to spend a lot of time blaming the perpetrator or wondering why it happened.

But though many relationships are often killed by an affair, according to John M Gottman, a marriage psychologist and author of The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, who studied over 650 married couples, "An affair is usually the symptom of a dying marriage (or relationship) rather than the cause of it". It means that affairs do not come out of nowhere. They are triggered by a dysfunctional relationship which is burdened by negativity, has lost most of its positivity, has seen little real friendship between the couple and is highly unequal.

In such a situation, the people involved begin to experience more pain than happiness, but are not sure how to resolve those negative feelings. Instead, they cope by disengaging themselves from each other emotionally. Gradually, they begin to feel lonely because of that emotional separation and begin to look outwards for affirmation to stem the loneliness and lack of joy.

There are seven triggers of unhappiness in a relationship. How many of them are in your relationship NOW and to what extent?:

QUIZ: Is your relationship heading for a a breakdown? Here is your chance to find out!

For each statement, select a reply that DEFINITELY applies to your situation now.

HARSH STARTUPS (Discussions that begin with criticism, sarcasm or contempt instead of a willingness to listen).

CONSTANT CRITICISM (Always carping and complaining).

CONTEMPT (Lack of respect that could include sneering, eye rolling, mockery or name calling).

DEFENSIVENESS (One person tends to make out that the other person is always at fault).

STONEWALLING (Opting out of a discussion by refusing to listen to the other party).

EMOTIONAL FLOODING (A partner is frequently overwhelmed by verbal attacks from the other, or both engage in this to get their points across).

No REPAIR MECHANISMS (Not stopping heated arguments to pause and take stock, to calm down or to use humour to lighten the atmosphere).

Thank you for completing this quiz. Poor relationships affect your well-being and achievement . If you scored MORE THAN 17, you would find one of our DATING WORKSHOPS useful! More than 24 and you definitely need to attend one!

ALTERNATIVELY, you could try one of the ALERT ACTIONS listed after the Scoring Key below.

SCORE KEY
Match your score with the explanation below:

7-11: A perfect state. Great relationship!
12-17: Very good relationship as long as there is no complacency!
18-24: Possibility of salvaging something, if you are both willing to work at it! But the differences between you are very sharp and prickly.
25-30: Pretty problematic and heading for disaster.
31-35: Absolutely doomed. Is this a relationship?

Keys to a great relationship
Gottman's research revealed that the key to a wonderful mutually enjoyable relationship is simple 'friendship' between the couple, routine give and take, which I prefer to call 'reciprocity'. They have a 'fondness and admiration' for each other as equals; they are there for each other to support hopes and ambitions and they are willing to make sacrifices for one another so that both can achieve their dreams instead of one person losing out at another's expense. Moreover they do not wait for special moments to show how much they care for each other. This is expressed on a daily basis in "small, routine, trivial acts of appreciation" and love. It seems that it is when couples stop acknowledging each other and stop sharing power that the rot begins to set in.

What do I do if My RELATIONSHIP STATE Score is not very good?

There are TWO actions you could take RIGHT NOW!

1. READ an article from the IMPROVING RELATIONSHIP or the CHEATING and BETRAYAL page.

2. OR You could ask Elaine a question relevant to your situation:

Which Type of Question do You Wish to Ask?

(See ASK ELAINE before deciding on your question.)