A friend of mine recently met someone she described as a 'wonderful' man. But though he was clearly smitten with her and wanted to progress their meeting, she said she didn't 'feel' anything and wondered if any light could be thrown on her situation. If he liked her so much, why was there no feeling of 'chemistry' on her part, she asked?

Lots has been written about that elusive chemistry that makes the balloons pop, the hearts stop and the pulses race between two people, but the actual nature of it has been hard to explain. It has been a subject that has exercised our thoughts, and bodies, for ages, and yet it could be as simple as three little words: comfort, value and excitement.

COMFORT
Often we meet people for the first time and feel really good with them. We have a great rapport in conversation, we are animated in their company, and we enjoy the encounter, but something still appears to be missing. That is because we are only at the first stage of real chemistry: COMFORT. We feel at ease with the other person, we might actually enjoy their attention, but won't necessarily have them even as a friend. That's where it would stop.

VALUE
If, however, we feel really good about the person, we believe that we really like them, and we could even see ourself with them, however there is no spark of excitement, that is because there is great VALUE between both parties, which is often misinterpreted for love. Value takes the form of respect, admiration, lots of attention. It is likely too, in this scenario, that one person likes the other more than is reciprocated. In these cases, where the spark is absent but there is much value, one is likely to find relationships based on companionship and security. It is also likely that one person will feel highly disillusioned when that spark is not there further down the line, especially if they hoped it would develop over time. This kind of connection emphasises a mutual feeling of security between the couple rather than love; or, in other mutually agreeable relationships, it could even be for convenience or expediency, especially if the two people are happy sharing each other's space.

EXCITEMENT
However, true chemistry between two people occurs only when there is a feeling of EXCITEMENT; a definite electrical spark that one physically feels for the other person; the excitement and physical charge necessary to actually fall in love. This is the stage where hearts race faster, as one gentleman said recently, he felt his 'spin-dryer whirring around furiously'. We wish to be near that person as much as possible, to touch them, to be in their presence, to communicate non-stop and simply to bask in the attention and great feeling that envelopes us at these moments.

Incidentally, when there is only excitement without value that is simply lust going nowhere, except for the possible benefit of one person. And when there is excitement without comfort or value it means that one person is being used without any real commitment from the other, and mainly for their benefit.

The Spark of Romance
It seems that COMFORT, VALUE and EXCITEMENT lie at the heart of true chemistry; the secret of falling in love. Where a relationship isn't really going well it is because one or both parties are missing elements of that chemistry. For example, the comfort and value might be in place (representing a warm feeling of security) but the real spark to get it off on a high level is absent or has eroded. Hence why one or both persons will continue to feel that something is missing in the relationship and to keep hoping for something better. Sadly, when that spark is non-existent, when the opportunity for experiencing it arises outside the home, few people are able to resist it, which leads to the inevitable affairs.

Chemistry is a very powerful force between two people, designed by Nature to bring them together to keep the species intact, but it has very little to do with lust, as some people believe. It's strength depends on whether MUTUAL comfort and value are also in place and, above all, whether that mutual spark is ready to ignite!

My friend who triggered my thoughts on the matter obviously felt much comfort in her admirer's presence, and much value for him too. However, they clearly differed in that, while he felt the spark of excitement (wanted to hold her, touch her and be with her at every opportunity), she hadn't felt that and had no inclination to touch him either. She valued him, yes; felt comfortable with him, yes, but she certainly didn't wish to progress it with him except on a platonic level, and he wasn't interested in just friendship. He couldn't understand how she didn't feel like he did. A clear mismatch of real chemistry.

But that's the mystery of chemistry. It cannot be manufactured. It is simply there or it isn't. Most important, those three elements have to be there before one truly feels it.

As random as attraction appears to be between people, there is nothing random about it at all. It works on a complex level with definite rules. Attraction is primarily about one person possessing the qualities to satisfy five crucial factors in another:

* To fulfil the needs of others; 



* To enhance their feeling of significance and value;

* To make their experience more meaningful and pleasurable; 


* To increase their level of excitement;

* To increase their emotional well-being.

The more you can provide those core elements, the more attractive you will appear. Some people never seem attractive enough to others, remaining single for long periods, or they tend to have relationships which do not last very long because many people are pretty selfish and introspective, focusing primarily on themselves. Yet the essence of attraction is outward-looking. It is about fulfilling the needs of others, not just worrying about our own.

There are many different ways couples can experience attraction and when it works at key levels we often say that the couple is experiencing great 'chemistry', referring mainly to the physical and emotional part of the attraction. Appearance and body shape tend to become the key barometers of attraction between two people. But, as important as physical attraction is in drawing potential mates together, finding that crucial chemistry is seldom based upon just looks. Where that is the case, the relationship is bound to fail, and soon afterwards too, because looks do not last forever. Emotions have to play a major part too.

Being changeable, highly superficial and dictated by the ageing process, appearance is a poor stabilising force in keeping partners bonded together. That is why some insecure people move from one 'trophy' partner to another. All they see is the outward appearance the beauty, but not the brains or emotional hang-ups. Yet it takes other important personal qualities for the two people to be compatible. An absence of those qualities might be fine in the short term but usually spells long-term disaster.

Emphasis on Beauty
In general, we tend to become attracted to others who:

* are physically attractive; 


* are similar to us in values, interests and aspirations;

* have appealing qualities that appear to outweigh their negative ones;


* are associated with positive, seemingly successful experiences; 


* provide us with reinforcement and approval; 


* are warm, confident and competent.

When I first saw the picture of a guy I once fell in love with, I didn't like it. I did wonder what I had let myself in for and whether I should meet him at all. However, I had been talking to him on the phone and loved his voice and, bearing in mind that pictures depend on mood, I decided to see him. When we met, though he was much better-looking than the picture, I decided he was not my type (famous last words!).

Despite the fact that he immediately fancied me, I actually told him there and then that I didn't fancy him and was not expecting our meeting to lead anywhere! He just sat there looking at me in some kind of wonderment without saying much and then steered me towards having some lunch.

Over the meal, I got the chance to appreciate his personality as he relaxed a bit more. He suddenly began to reveal his humour and a wicked smile. We had two amazing years after that. Now I think it unbelievable I didn't fancy him on impact when we were so stuck together! I am also thankful he was confident enough to ignore my negative comment at the start. I think it was probably a defence mechanism to protect myself from any possible emotional angst, especially as I was feeling rather vulnerable at the time.

Imagine you go out on a date. The guy or gal is charming, you get on like a house on fire, you want to see them again but you still feel that something is missing. You can't put your finger on it and you can't understand why you don't fancy them more than you do. You are naturally disappointed because you clearly like one another. Well, there's an important reason for that.

Everyone knows that for two individuals to be attracted to each other there has to be some kind of 'chemistry' between them, that elusive ingredient that allows relationships to form. Romantic chemistry is usually seen in a one-dimensional light, where one either experiences it, or one doesn't. But real chemistry isn't as flat and predictable as that. Real chemistry is more complex with a hidden secret.

The secret of chemistry between any couple is that it has TWO parts: physical and emotional. If you meet someone where you are physically attracted to them that's the easy part because most of the instant chemistry we feel on meeting someone is purely physical. The real element of chemistry that matters comes in the emotional bonding which is often not in evidence because we don't bond easily with strangers unless our values, aspirations and expectations align together. That is why when we meet someone where the chemistry is both physical and emotional we are blown away by the force of it. That's when we get the butterflies and hear the bells and whistles, when we want to sit on the phone with that person forever, to have their company as much as possible and to bask continuously in their aura.

Relationships that last months rather than years have the physical chemistry in abundance. Those that last a long time have the emotional chemistry too, either from the very beginning or built up over time. We might be attracted to someone physically but we cannot conjure up emotional chemistry unless it is there in some form at the outset. Often one person feels that emotion but the other person doesn't, which then causes a mismatch in behaviour between them. Some people also believe that chemistry is something that will gradually unfold between a couple but that is rare. Chemistry is electric and instant. It is either there or it isn't and when it is forced at the beginning that's how problems develop later on in the relationship because one person in the union is bound to be dissatisfied and will continue to secretly seek that chemistry elsewhere.

Chemistry is an elusive element in love but when it is in evidence it is truly awesome, especially in both forms!

In my opinion, they don't. That's like an urban myth. We hear a lot of talk and anecdotes about how people who seem so opposite in every way find deep attraction, but something else is always operating between those couples to make the relationship work.

In 1968 I met a Sikh and married, to much opposition, across the racial and cultural divide. No one, least of all his parents who tried everything at the beginning to break us up, expected the marriage to last more than a couple years, at best. We went on for 35 years and when we parted, we still had very strong feelings for each other. At the end, though the love was there to a large extent, our direction and values had changed in what we sought in our lives. And that's the key to any relationship: one's VALUES.

No matter what is happening superficially, differences with looks, beauty, personality, activities etc, people will only connect if their basic values are in tandem. Real opposites represent conflict from the beginning because there would be little alignment in needs and objectives. This would keep the parties going in different directions. For example, it is unlikely that someone with criminal tendencies will have a successful relationship with someone who believes in honesty and integrity. There would be too much conflict in reconciling their values.

Most people who appear 'different' or 'opposite' actually share a similar way of looking at life, at the things they cherish and what they value. They just project that perspective in different ways. In fact, my ex-husband and I complemented each other so much in many ways because we believed in the same things when we met. We were both rebels in our communities; we both loved reggae and Bob Marley and we both had the same outlook on maintaining a home and children. Without realising it then, I also sought a kind of protector, and he wanted someone to protect. Bingo!

Of course, when I began to feel more independent and to value other things in life, like my own creativity and freedom to act in ways I enjoyed, the dynamics began to shift and our values started to differ, especially as he grew more conservative and possessive in taste. We, in fact, became opposites in our needs over such a long time and stopped connecting and communicating with each other. We hardly did anything together towards the end and just argued a lot in our futile bid to make each see the other's point of view.

So opposites do not attract in relationships. They might be outwardly different, which merely reflects their personality, but their individual perspectives and beliefs will mutually align to form that magical chemistry.

This thing we call Love, which is often misunderstood, is most likely to emerge from a common connection between two strangers. It then blossoms out of mutual interest, mutual respect, mutual aims and a close friendship. An intentional strategy for selecting our partners can increase the odds of it happening in a three-step approach:

* Establishing our own search criteria,

* Taking appropriate action and

* Allowing nature to take its course.

However, the step that seems to thwart most inexperienced people is the first one. We often do not give enough time and preparation to the type of person we are seeking.

For example, someone might decide she wants to marry a man who was handsome and had considerable money; one who was older and of the same religion. To that end she would date only the men she found most appealing, after she checked their family’s standing in Who’s Who? or the Times Rich List and assessed their age and personal beliefs. Then she would hang out at their likely locations. That approach might appear clinical, shallow and mercenary. But such a process would increase her chances dramatically of getting the right kind of person for her. She knows what she wants, and by surrounding herself with only rich, attractive men of a certain age, and with similar spiritual values, she would have many potential husbands from which to choose, once nature stepped in.

One could say that, like building a house, she sorted out the crucial foundation while chance, or nature, finished off the actual structure. Everything else in our life has a strategy, so why not our love life?

Doing the Necessary Research
Think of the process we go through in selecting our dream car. First we spot one we are looking for: whether BMW, Chevrolet, Mercedes Benz, Porsche, etc, having established a price range. Next we choose a colour and style, or model, with the help of literature, adverts or word of mouth. Then off we go to the dealer to try out our choice. But it would have taken some planning, not just turning up to get the car. All along the way we collected information and narrowed our selection until we had almost exactly what we dreamed of, and at a price we could afford; one which reflects the function it will serve and/or the level of success we have achieved. One with which we felt comfortable.

It is no different when it comes to making other important choices, especially the most important choice of our lives, except that with people there has to be a simultaneous match, while for a vehicle the choice is rather one-sided. Despite this potential hurdle, in the majority of cases, we tend to be attracted only to those who reinforce that attraction. Developing a selection plan with which we are comfortable increases our likelihood of success and takes much of the chance element out of our search.

But not only that, the selection plan, which shouldn't be too prescriptive, reflects who we are, what we actually want and where we're hoping to go with it. If we don't even know who we are and what would make us happy, how can another person recognise us or fulfil our expectations?

Many of us, when we speak about Love, treat Passion as an entirely separate thing from it. We often hear about dates 'falling into lust' at the beginning of a relationship when the two people are so into each other, so attracted and mesmerised by one another, they want to spend as much time together as they can and to make love as often as possible. The feelings at such times seem deep, exciting and endless.

On the other hand, there are many couples, especially in long term relationships, who have lost their 'chemistry', and their Passion for each other. They do things mechanically and without motivation as part of their settled routine. Many have not even had sex for years or affirmed each other in any way.

These twin situations have led some people to believe that any intense passionate feelings when two people have just met cannot be relied upon as a good barometer of lasting Love. That because it is tied to 'lust', the 'real Love' comes much later on or not at all. We also talk of having a 'Passion' for something: an interest, hobby or activity that gives us great joy. Thus we can usually tell how meaningful something is to us by how we feel about it; the way it moves us to want to express our feelings for it and be devoted to it to greater levels.

And that's what Passion is, in a nutshell: the intensity of feeling we have for someone or something. It is not a thing in its own right, like Love. It has to be associated with something else to have any value. It gains its existence by demonstrating how much we actually care about something that's important to us. Thus the degree of Passion is the giveaway sign.

Passion is like a marker, a ruler or yardstick, but it is not Love itself. Passion is essentially the intensity of the Love we feel. If we have rapidly lost our Passion for someone it's not because we didn't love them in the first place, or we only felt lust for them. It is more likely because, over time, as the person has revealed him/herself, our Passion has gradually decreased in its level, or increased, and we are feeling differently about them. So lust isn't really separate from Love. Both are the same at the beginning because both can take off or fall flat, depending on the level of Passion we feel for the object of our affection.

It seems that Love has a chance to blossom and reveal its true self when Passion subsides, but not too much. If we use a numerical scale for assigning levels of Passion, say 7, with seven being the greatest level and one being the lowest, lovers who have recently met and are passionate about each other (the 'lust' phase), would be rating a 6 or 7 in their feelings. As the couple settle together, passion will steady itself to a 5 or 6, depending on how much the couple continue to affirm, nurture and validate each other. Those who have started to take each other for granted, but are still in love because the Passion is strong (chemistry) will have a steady rate of 4 or 5. But it seems that, for Love to continue with the couple indefinitely, the level cannot fall below 4. Level 3 in passion becomes highly problematic and levels 1 and 2 mean the relationship is dead or on its way out - unsustainable.

In essence, Love cannot exist without some kind of Passion because Passion is the driving force behind it. Passion allows people to come alive to one another. It gives a kind of adrenalin rush, regularly, but not constantly. It is fired up by interaction of one kind or another. When that does not happen, feelings subside too and inevitably change to something else more detached or negative.

If you are trying to work out how you really feel about someone just now, especially whether you love them or not and should marry or settle together, but you can't feel much Passion or you don't feel rejuvenated, excited or getting that butterfly feeling, please don't go there. Your Passion is at too low a level to start something with a long term commitment. Yes, your feelings of Love might increase, but then the person would feel more like a dear relative to you than a lover simply because Passion is the fire that lights your Love. When that fire goes out, so does the Love, eventually!

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There are five main elements that draw women to men and, depending on the primary needs of the individual woman, they usually go in the following order:

1. Looks and Physicality: Forget about noble ideals like being attracted to what's 'inside' a person. That is an excuse for accepting second best. We cannot see what is 'inside' until we are drawn to someone on the outside. If the person stood absolutely still, never moved a muscle or said a word, how is a woman to discover that man's personality and inner attributes? Except through the gateway of physical attraction. If she is drawn to what she SEES, she would be more interested in finding out what is hidden. So physicality is paramount. How he looks, moves, laughs and speaks, and, above all, the pull of his face; also whether he is slim or fat, short or tall - all those are essential for any woman to find a man appealing.

2. Being Valued and Wanted: Every woman wants to feel significant and desirable. When a woman is looking for a soulmate being valued for herself, and in her own right, is most important to her. To be wanted is one of the things women crave, to belong to a man without the competition of other women. Being valued has respect and appreciation at the heart of it and so any man who can make a woman feel respected and cared-for would seem very attractive and desirable.

3. Security and Protection: A few years ago before women gained more independence, this part of attraction would have been the top or second aspect. Men used to be the head of the household and were valued for that. These days, many women take a lot of pride in providing their own security and do not feel they need any kind of protection. However, they still find men who can make them feel secure and protected very attractive indeed. Security is often in the form of money, career, power or self-sufficiency, while protection comes in taking charge, being masterful or being willing to share domestic issues equally. When a woman feels secure and protected, in whatever way she desires it, the man is half-way to winning her heart, though this aspect is likely to be more emotional than physical.

4. The Best Mate for Procreation: Though a lot of people are choosing not to have children these days, most women are attracted to men because of the subconscious search for the 'right' partner to bear children with at some time in the future. This attribute is difficult to quantify or identify, but women know it when they see it and will only be drawn to men with the right 'chemistry' and 'appeal'. For most women, the choice has to 'feel' right, otherwise the attraction won't be there, an instinctive reaction many men don't understand or appreciate. Usually, finding the right mate is governed mainly by looks and obvious flawless genes.

5. Masculinity and Confidence: Quite simply, heterosexual women like men who act like men, no in-between. The more masculine, caring and appreciative they are, the more attractive the men will be, especially if they are confident in themselves and their actions and know what they want. This element also includes having a sense of humour. If a man can make a women laugh naturally, without it being forced, he's on to a winner. Such confidence is often a big draw for women because the other attributes mentioned are also implied in this one. A confident person is perceived to bring value, protection, great looks, fun and laughter and, should there be chemistry, would make a great mate.

What more would a gal want?

Simple, naked FEAR: fear of failure, fear of difference, of love, of hurt, fear of the consequences and even life itself, in the futile search for perfection.

People get stuck in the same behaviour patterns, being fearful, fossilised and boring, getting the same joyless results, while becoming increasingly unhappy and unattractive in the process. They take their fearful behaviour to every situation and keep getting the same outcomes. Like a vicious cycle, fear gives them only the negatives, or no partners at all, which then reinforce their perceived unworthiness and cements the rejection even more.

Fear comes through either shyness, inexperience of appropriate behaviour, lack of confidence and self-esteem, a reluctance to deal with the unknown or, the most common reason, the wish to avoid being hurt, especially if one has been hurt before. But pain is the other side of pleasure and one cannot have pleasure without that pain. Moreover, pleasure always comes before pain in any new relationship, so when we avoid pain, we get no pleasure either, which then keeps us isolated, lonely and unhappy. Everything which happens in our life is meant to develop us to heights of excellence, to hone our coping and survival skills to perfection. When we rob ourself of the opportunity to sharpen our resilience and determination and to give us more experience, we remain weak, inadequate beings, dominated by fear, achieving very little and living only half the life we are capable of.

The Power of Habits To Limit Experience
With fear being a debilitating and paralysing force, it tends to keep people with the same habits as they take refuge in behaviour which makes them feel comfortable. It won't yield them anything much, but at least it makes them feel 'safe' and secure. As it is habits that decide our future, such behaviour merely gives more of the same and keeps the person in a rut of negativity. Of course, there is only a 6 foot different between a rut and a grave!

When we are fearful we prefer to hang back, to find numerous excuses as to why our actions won't yield anything of substance and why someone isn't good for us. Our search for the perfect mate makes 99.9% of people we meet highly unsuitable. We gradually convince ourself of the negatives while the positives seldom get the chance to affect us. That's why some people remain single for years, their dating skills gradually being eroded until they feel totally inadequate to deal with a potential date.

Anything we do, or any decision we make, is merely a result. We can change the result every time we wish by just changing our expectations and approach, by doing something in a different way and having an open mind about the possibilities. If you have been living the same way for a while, making the same kind of decisions and getting the same results, get out of that comfort zone and ditch the fear today. TRY SOMETHING NEW! The least you will get is another result. It could be one amazing, unexpected surprise to change your life for good.

At this competitive time in our lives, when the demographics are skewed towards women living a very long life, with an acute shortage of men in the later years, it might look as though eligible partners are thin on the ground. But it really depends on where you look for your ideal mate. There is more than one partner for each of us, if we are willing to change our attitude, to let people reveal themselves to us and are less prescriptive in what we want.

If we are only interested in blondes, we immediately rule out women of all other hair colours who may carry the same characteristics as blondes, yet who might need nothing more than a colouring shampoo to complete the picture!

We will always have types of people we prefer, but the more limited the parameters, the narrower the choice and the more difficult these people are to discover. Finding romance is no different from any other aspect of our life. We have to take the responsibility for making it happen, alongside realistic expectations. We are all after 'perfection' in our partners, in some form or other, always forgetting that we are far from perfect to the other party and so any perfect match will be difficult to attain.

Nevertheless, to make a start on that ideal relationship, you must develop a plan of action. Sitting at home waiting for the person to come to you will yield nothing because they do not know where you live! And you might be dead set against any 'commitment' too. This word 'commitment', by the way, seems to strike fear in the hearts of men, in particular, and prevent many relationships. As one psychologist said. "Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen." Yes, indeed. But with commitment coming toward the top of the desired list of all marriage qualities, it demonstrates beyond a doubt that one cannot have a successful relationship without some form of commitment.

Make Space for a Potential Partner
Some people also believe that luck and romance go together. They just have to sit tight in their living rooms and their knight in shining armour will ride by and sweep them up side-saddle. But the right person for us is hardly connected with luck, a concept which merely maintains the illusion that we have no power to affect our fate; that we are helpless bystanders in the game of life.

Being attracted to people on a PIE level (physical, intellectual and emotional) means that luck plays little part in it. We would expect to feel the first stirrings of love when we meet this person who strongly matches our PIE requirements. People who search for a partner while they hope for the best, without any real conviction regarding their own personal appeal, have little chance of winning because it is they who have to set the pace and the course for success.

On the practical side, Feng Shui experts advise that, if you want to attract a new romantic partner - or to move a casual relationship closer to commitment – make sure there is space for that person in your home, especially in the bedroom. Look at your wardrobes, shelves and dressing tables. If they are all filled to capacity with your own stuff, clearing some room for your current or future partner needs to be made a priority. One expert advises, "Aim to free up 25 per cent of the space in your bedroom for someone else’s things. When you are finished, take a moment to visualise your loved one’s belongings finding a home there."

Additionally, remove old relationship energy. Go through your home - especially your bedroom – and remove anything that reminds you of past failed relationships. This could be an ex-boyfriend's old sweater, photographs of you with a previous partner, a gift that reminds you (unfavourably) of a giver with whom you are no longer in love - anything that reminds you of a love that went badly. You are advised, "No matter how incurable a romantic you may be, do not keep old love letters anywhere in your bedroom, unless they are from someone with whom you are still blissfully paired up."

I have read so often the desire of many single people to find the 'right' person to love. Not right for now, for two weeks, or for a couple of years but for the ideal 'rest of my life'. Yet they actually pronounce a life sentence of singledom on themselves with that little recurring phrase because it keeps them searching for that perfect person who should last the rest of their lifetime while they miss the imperfect ones they could enjoy TODAY!

We will never get what we totally want in any person because no one gets what they totally desire in us. We have to assess what we are looking for, make a list of them, prioritise them and then settle for the few we couldn't do without while we compromise on the rest. It's a lack of self knowledge about what we really want which helps us to seek perfection instead of valuing a person for what they might bring to our lives.

When I met my ex-husband at 20, and he proposed, I never thought I was getting married for the rest of my life and told him that whatever years we had, I would be thankful for it. Worse still, after he proposed, I used to tell him that "If we are still going next year, then I'll marry you'. He used to find that very strange and unsettling, and was unhappy and insecure with it because marriage was for life in his world. He also couldn't understand that, if we did love each other very much, why shouldn't we still be going together then? His perception of long-term love and mine were different. He wanted someone to share the rest of his life while I wanted someone to share today. Somewhere in my psyche, I dreaded the thought of anything lasting 'forever'. It sounded so long and foreboding, so stale, still and stagnant, on without end.

Yet I was an evolving human being, not a robot. What I liked, wanted and desired at a very naive and youthful 20 years I guess would not have a place in my 40 year old experienced and mature world. And that is the main problem with seeking anything for the rest of your life, especially when you don't know what the rest of your life will mean for you - this desire for unchanging perfection

When it comes to relationships, the best ones work without a set timescale. It means we leave ourselves open for some surprises, we do not have time to take that partner for granted, and we have few expectations of how long it will last. We will also work harder for its success and enjoy that relationship much better because we will treat each day as if it is the only one we will have. Relationships should be long term, but as we tend to change personalities, aspirations and direction over the years, very few last for more than 10-15 years and the average is now 7 years.

There is a lot of angst when the relationship ends but the nature of humanity is constant CHANGE over a set and predictable cycle: birth, growth, death, rebirth. When we ignore that natural cycle in our lives we open ourselves to some recurring pain because we are not prepared to deal with any loss. We expect too much from the relationship and are then surely disappointed when the attraction wears off or we simply fall out of love with partners. We cannot deal with any break-up because we expected the union to last 'forever'.

Utopian Dream
Having someone a whole lifetime is a Utopian dream, no matter the degree of love between you, because within, say, five years of marriage, one of you could be dead, an unplanned but very likely eventuality. It is always best to let life unfold. To seek someone for NOW and enjoy that person for however long it may last. It means you won't burden your search with unhelpful thoughts of 'forever' which then would demand a near-perfect being to match that longevity.

The aim of life is not to spend it searching for someone but to spend it WITH someone from now because today could be your last. Whatever the person is like, if you really desire him/her, just go with the flow and propose. What looks short term might very well turn out to be a lifetime because you would not have killed it with unrealistic expectations. Don't let thoughts of the rest of your life ruin what you could have today because the rest of your lifetime could be just one more week!

And my marriage? I gave thanks for every new year and enjoyed 35 years with him, some of them truly awesome. We both evolved into different people and, sadly, the old magic gradually disappeared. Five of my friends who married 'forever' lasted between 6 and 14 years each. There is a lesson there somewhere.

Many people who are seeking dates are limited by their fears of a lot of things in their life which they cannot affect, but are vainly trying to control. They continually carry around a naked fear of failure like a bad smell: fear of difference, of love, of hurt, of the consequences and even life itself, in the futile search for perfection. Worst of all, they fear commitment to someone for a long time. They might not get hurt by hanging back, but they stay stuck in their fear, fossilised and boring, doing the same old things, with the same expectations, but getting the same joyless results, while becoming increasingly unhappy and unattractive in the process.

The people who fear the most about potential relationships live in regret. They tend to be the ones who don't make use of the opportunity in the first place because of the constant fear of failure and hurt that dog them daily. They would rather dither over their decisions, or take no decisions, allowing the opportunity to pass, then berate themself later on for not acting on the moment. It is very easy to sit and fret, or to live in regret; to worry constantly about what might happen in the future while feeling sorry for ourselves. Constant regret about the relationship which didn't take off, the man or woman who hurt us, the partner who behaved badly or the person who rejected us, rather to chalk it up to life and use the experience for better growth. Living in fear and regret takes no skill or courage but it certainly keeps us single!

None of us is perfect, yet we spend our life in a futile effort to achieve such perfection through control. That little word control' accounts for the numerous regrets we have, especially when we fail to control our lives at every turn and regret our mistakes' and the hurt we had. Instead we use everything which goes wrong' to prove how terrible we are or how bad our partners were, fuelling our fear of the future, which then prevents us from getting new dates and moving on with our lives. Fearing a repeat of our hurt, the next person we meet is likely to suffer from our pain without knowing what they have done, and are then deprived of the commitment they rightfully deserve. Men are particularly guilty of this. Often a man will tell the next woman who treats him well that she has restored' his faith in women, as if the one woman who caused his pain represents the whole gender species!

The Importance of Commitment
The most important word behind love and respect is commitment. When we respect or love someone, we commit to them for whatever time required in the interaction. That's the price we pay for more happiness with someone else. We commit to affirming them, aligning with them, to reinforcing their aspirations and self-belief, to valuing them as a significant person we admire and to enhancing their happiness while expanding our own. Through commitment come enrichment and joy. So when we cannot commit to another person, we are only half alive without the contentment we seek. Regret and fear keep that commitment at bay.

Human value comes from interaction, affirmation and love. We do not need anyone to complete us physically, but we do need others to enrich the quality of our lives if we are not to become mechanical robots with fossilised emotions. Our life becomes joyous only when we are enriched by someone else, and vice versa. If we are not reinforced in any way, we are likely to feel excluded from the social contact we crave. People give meaning to our lives. Without them we feel invisible. When we fear people, fear commitment to them, or fear repeats of past hurt, they all negatively effect our living. Thus, if fear is keeping you single, you'll be missing out on a life.

The short answer is 'Yes', but with conditions.

Men and women cannot be friends from the very beginning because the reason why a man, in particular, will be interested in a woman is not platonic. It is most likely to be sexual. At the start, two strangers of the opposite sex are always drawn together through basic physical attraction, nothing else. There is always the hope, by at least one party, that the friendship will lead to something more intimate, and possibly permanent. Friendship under that guise cannot ever be platonic. There will always be active tension as one person tries to keep the other person as a 'friend' and the other tries to move that friendship along to something else.

The only time real friendship is possible between a man and a woman is when the expectations, on BOTH sides, have been satisfied, or clearly understood by both parties. Then they can move on to something more platonic without sexual needs interfering. By that time, both parties would either have fallen out of love, if they were lovers, and now enjoy a different level of understanding and appreciation, or they would have accepted the conclusion that only a platonic friendship is possible between them. This could also be true for childhood friends too who have grown up together and see each other as 'mates'.

There are a few exceptions to this, of course, but there really are very few, because when it comes to men and women, sex will always be in the equation. That's how two people get together to reproduce our species and that will always be at the forefront of any meeting: the potential to mate. Obviously, once that is sorted, in one way or another, a different kind of friendship is possible. Each person will then appreciate the other in a more general way, feel more confident with the situation and more comfortable with having the person as a genuine friend. Only then will real friendship be allowed to develop because the sexual motives would have receded.

(Photo images used on this page (ID:939233 & ID: 1043948) courtesy of stock.xchng).

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